Monday, September 03, 2012

Fan Free Agency: These 11 Go

Cue vaguely martial instrumental score.

We're live in 3...2...1

Hello, friends. Welcome to Day 2 of One Man's Fan Free Agency and Erotic Journey from Milan to Minsk. (I hope the Minsk thing doesn't give away the ending.) Yesterday brought the death of the dreams of 10 fanbases, while hope remains alive for 21 others. Today, 11 more will find fate a fickle and cruel thing.

After this brief commercial interruption, we'll break some more hearts.

We're getting to the point where the cuts are harder to make. Many of the teams let go today had compelling positives, and with a couple of exceptions, I struggled to add them to the list. I didn't get this far in life by shirking hard decisions, though, and so we march on. (I got here, instead, through a combination of height-based affirmative action and sleeping with the right people.)

The next 11 cuts are:

Carolina Panthers

For whatever reason, I still don't really consider Carolina (nor Jacksonville) real NFL teams. I know they've been to a Super Bowl, and technically play a 16-game NFL schedule, but they still seem gimmicky. And their star quarterback went to Auburn. That's a problem.

St. Louis Rams

There's a lot to like about the Rams: solid uniforms, Jeff Fisher, Steven Jackson, baked ravioli. But I can't work up a really good attraction to the city. Sorry, St. Louis.

Cincinnati Bengals

We're back to that inept owner thing again. Though Mike Brown has seemingly gotten out of the way a bit of late, I think I'd still find it hard to root for his team.

Cleveland Browns

I refuse to participate in the dumbing down of America. Dog is not spelled with a 'w'. You're on notice, too, University of Georgia.

Miami Dolphins

Dan Marino's not walking through that door. Mercury Morris isn't walking through that door. And even if they did, they'd be really old. More importantly, I've just never really cared for the Fins.

Kansas City Chiefs

We're getting down to the squads that took some effort to cut. This is going to be a really fun team to watch this year, but Romeo Crennel reminds me of this guy I used to work with who really disliked me. Which I find impossible, because I'm likable as shit.

Chicago Bears

True story: I've never been to Chicago. I blame Brian Baschnagel.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

When I was about 10, I got two football jerseys for Christmas: a Bucs #76 and a Denver Broncos #14. I really don't have a clue what my parents' were thinking, because I was a New England Patriots fan at the time. But I wore that white Bucs jersey with the creamsicle orange numbers all the time. I still don't know who #76 was. If they still wore those jerseys, they'd probably have made it into the Final Four.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Hard cut here, especially given the Mike Tomlin factor, but I have too many friends and family who are Steeler fans. It'd feel a little bit bandwagony.

Buffalo Bills

I want to like the Bills - I really do. The whole underdog thing has a lot of appeal. But there's no there there. Plus, G:TB already has a couple of Bills fans in the extended family.

Denver Broncos

One of my earliest sports memories is watching the Orange Crush Broncos get hammered by the Cowboys in Super Bowl XII. According to my parents, I met Red Miller in an airport as a toddler. I'll be pulling for Peyton Manning this season. But my disdain for orange and blue is fairly well documented.

And then there were 10. Six more cuts tomorrow will give us the Final Four, which will be narrowed to My New Favorite Team on Wednesday in preparation for the season's kickoff.


G:TB said...

I still contend that you should choose the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

rob said...

dieter brock!

rob said...

via twitter, mgl informs me that #76 on the bucs was dave pear, a defensive tackle and the team's first pro bowler. the internet, and stuff.

zman said...

Anyone else working today? In Delaware? Probably not.

zman said...

All the women in Newark Penn Station are dressed like they're going to a "pimps and prostitutes" party. Even the pregnant ones. I feel like its Halloween and no one told me.

Mr. Truck said...

who works on "labor" day? isn't that a crime?

zman said...

I am immune from labor related crimes. Apparently everyone is going to the Caribbean parade in Brooklyn so you have to dress like you're at the beach.

Mr. Truck said...

hey, did you know that mike tomlin went to william and mary?

my father knows this fun fact and mentions it to me EVERY time the steelers are on television.

rob said...

i just found out who the final four teams are. tell you guys tomorrow afternoon.

Clarence said...

I think I know which team's wagon Rob's hopping on. It's the logical choice.

Mark said...

St. Louis and Tampa didn't want you anyway. And it's toasted ravioli, not baked. I'm the one who's baked. Hi-yo!

rob said...

logic really isn't much of a factor in this, clarence

Mark said...

Forgot to mention how shocked I was that Rob's never been to Chicago. What they hell are you doing with your life? You need to get on that. Like soon.

zman said...

I can't believe Swint isn't taking action on this. My final four predictions are:

HOU - rob said they're in the running
IND - ditto
SD - rob would look cute in powder blue; who wouldn't enjoy road trips to southern California?
MIN - their long tradition of futility should appeal to a Sawks fan.

All the other contenders are too good and thus bandwagonny, except for Seattle. Minnesota gets the edge over Seattle because Seattle has atrocious uniforms while the Vikings rock fratty colors.

zman said...

Andy Murray just might win the Open. He's out of his gourd tonight.

zman said...

My hotel has scrapple on the menu!

mayhugh said...

I like San Diego for Rob's final pick for the following reasons:

Classic looking uniforms and helmets - who doesn't like the Bolt?

They were 8-8 last year - won't feel like a bandwagon pick

To go along with their recent very modest succes, they have some decent football history (Fouts, Winslow, Allworth, Tomlinson, Seau) without feeling too "America's Team"-y.

If they ever won the super bowl, Rob could say he was a fan before they ever won a super bowl. I feel like this is important.

Wide open offense with a confident, perhaps even overconfident, QB at the helm.

A kinship with Ryan Leaf? Their most famous draft bust was a powder keg with a short fuse (I've only met Rob once, but that was always how he was described to me, too)

Coach Norv Turner provides at once a Redskins tie and a symbol of someone else driven away by Snyder.

If he ever does attend a home game, it will be in San Diego.

mayhugh said...

I forgot to include the catchy fight song - San Diego... Super Chargers.

zman said...

Was it the ladies who described rob's short "fuse" to you?

rob said...

dynamite comes in small packages, z. that's right, ladies, dynamite.

G:TB said...


Danimal said...

'lil dynamite

rob said...

2:00, teejus. patience, grasshopper.

zman said...

Touch that illafilth dynamite!

zman said...

Touch this illafilth dynamite!

Mark said...

Nice Roots reference by Z.