Wednesday, August 29, 2012

They Shoot Tight Ends, Don't They?

I think we both knew this would happen, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. But we had some great times, didn't we?

I'll always remember October 27, 1991, when you were 7-0, but the Giants took a 13-0 lead into halftime at the Meadowlands. That douchebag friend of ours called to rub it in, and we all knew what was going to happen next. You rolled New York in the second half on the strength of two Mark Rypien to Gary Clark touchdown connections and a Chip Lohmiller figgie. We gleefully transposed that very same douchebag's name into any premature jinx from that day forward. It was probably my favorite moment in our relationship.

I loved the championships, too, it goes without saying. In your day, you were something to behold. You were so classy, so loyal, so...Gibbsian.

But in May 1999, you changed. I tried hard to rationalize it, to ignore my gnawing doubts, to focus on what should have been important. But that asshole you started hanging out with changed you. Where once you valued doing things the right way, you started looking for shortcuts. Where patience and persistence once reigned, flash and cash became your currency. After the litany of Deions and Georges (soooo not Gheorghes) and Smiths and Ol' Ballcoaches, you almost seemed to recognize what you'd become.

And then there was Donovan. And Beck. And Rex.

I didn't change. You did.

Today, sadly, you finally went too far. As The Washington Post's Mike Wise eloquently notes:
For every bad move, every moment of utter chaos in Ashburn — for every Albert Haynesworth, Adam Archuleta and all the other bad actors, for every impulsive free agent buy, draft pick or Jim Zorn hire that Snyder regretted, for every tight end or offensive lineman suspended because of a positive drug test — Cooley became the one, true thing fans could rely on every Sunday.
(Man, I'd almost forgotten about Zorn. How could you?)

Cooley. You let Cooley go. I resisted this for so long. Against my better instincts, I continued to care, even as you reduced the sainted Joe Gibbs to a confused timeout machine, as you turned Mike Shanahan into a hack, as you blithely trashed your good name again and again and again. But Cooley, man? Cooley.

So this is it. I'll always remember the good times. But I'm done. You're not my team anymore, and I'm not your fan.

I don't know what's next for me. I can't root for an NFC East squad, for sure. And though I had a childhood fondness for the Patriots, it'd be gauche for me to jump back on that juggerwagon. The Lions are interesting, as are the Texans. And it's no secret how tight I am with Jim Irsay, so I might be checking into the Luck/Fleener thing. But I'm not in a hurry. I've got fantasy football to get me through, and though it's a one-season stand, it's something.

See ya, I guess. Hope you have a great life. But it's better for both of us this way.

47 comments:

G:TB said...

did you quote the Mike Wise slurpfest he wrote about Cooley? c'mon man, you're better than that.

rob said...

i quite enjoyed the slurpfest. and cooley quite deserved it.

G:TB said...

it was a shit column. sorry, I like Cooley, but I am not a Redskins fan and have nowhere near the attachment you and half of twitter seemed to have for him.

rob said...

you shut up

G:TB said...

go pick another team, and soon...and someone else comment on this thread please

TR said...

I love the smell of the Harlem River Drive in the morning.

Jerry said...

Unless you have the NFL package, it will be hard to watch your new team's games. #Wetblanket

T.J. said...

I'd like a martini, shaken not stirred. #wetbar

zman said...

It smells like victory.

zman said...

rob does not have an NFL package. His package is much smaller, which is unsurprising given his stature.

Danimal said...

I had a vivid dream last night that my wife was having an affair. With James Spader. She was so flippant about it. I think our emotions were similar this morning Rob. Fortunately mine weren't based on anything real and am now back to living my dream. I am, right honey?

rob said...

it's between the texans and the colts. i will entertain arguments each way from the assembled wise men.

Danimal said...

Both foes of the Jags. Punk ass bitch.
Come on down to us dawg....owner spending cash. He's all-in for Christ's sake. Nice place to visit plus Danimal has tix. We can run on the beach!!!!. Join a re-builder.

rob said...

the jags' uniforms are the worst in american sports. i can't in good conscience support them.

Danimal said...

Irsay's a dipshit. If he were a stock I would be selling. McNair on the other hand....well he is good people and a winner. The Texans will have a dynasty by end of the decade. Which makes both options lame. Get in at the bottom. I am so sickened right now.

G:TB said...

frankly, I don't think you have it in you to switch teams. I think this is all a ruse, sir.

Danimal said...

Gay.

Danimal said...

Oh, Rob has no problem ""switching teams""....so I hear.

Danimal said...

And yes that is an extra set of quotes.

Danimal said...

Am heading to Pittsburgh. Any great movies filmed there? Besides the Bruce Willis one where he is a cop on the river.

G:TB said...

that Willis movie is awesome. his female co-star is that horse that likes to drink cosmos.

Jerry said...

Here's another idea. Pick a team at random every year. Immerse yourself in that team and move on.

Con: You'll never invested
Pro: You'll never be invested in IND/HOU anyway

Pro: You'll get to experience life as a fan of a lot of different teams.

Pro: It's an interesting conversation piece
Con: It might be too interesting and people will think you're weird

Pro: There's nothing more exciting than selection day.

Pro: You might be able to turn selection day into a drinking festival

Con: You can't buy any fan gear
Pro: You balk at paying more than $2 for a t-shirt

TR said...

I am off to Pirates-Cardinals tonight at PNC Park, step two of the most random sports odyssey week I'll probably ever have. Step one was Jets-Panthers exhibition on Sunday night. Step three is Bama-Michjgan.

Bummed I am missing AJ Burnett. Ok, that's not true.

TR said...

Just saw Danimal's post now. Great minds descending to western PA, apparently.

Clarence said...

Rob, beware going anywhere just north of the Beltway if you choose the Colts. There is more hatred in the greater Baltimore region for the Colts franchise -- still -- than just about anywhere in sports. Just ask the owners of Mayflower Van Lines.

I'd steer clear of that ire.

Marls said...

I'm on the line with time warner cable. They are giving me the zman treatment.

Marls said...

As for the Skins, I really doubt you are out for good. Does not seem very Gheorghie, notwithstanding Danny's supreme ungheorgheness. However, if you are really serious, why not become a fan of the Ravens? Just sort of a reverse of what all the former O's fans did not that the Nationals are relevant.

Plus little dudes look great in purple, just ask Prince.

zman said...

You could pretend that you like UVa and choose the Texans to root for Schaub. Wouldn't it make a little sense to become a Ravens fan?

zman said...

zman and Marls, when two become one.

Clarence said...

I like Jerry's plan. Or you could just cheer for MLS instead.

You've been threatening to dump the Skins for years, so it's probably time to either put up or shut up. I think it's a bad idea, of course. 6 or 7 years ago I toyed with dumping the Mets when the Expos moved to DC. In retrospect, it seems like I should've. But I was an idiot for even thinking I could. Jerry said as much then.

The Redskins have brought me more aggravation than joy for the last 20 years, no question. And I wish Danny Snyder would get permanently lost somewhere in a 4' maze. That's a given.

But every Sunday in the autumn that team moves me to throw on the Riggo 44, invite a few commiserating friends over, cook some wings, crack some beers, and yell at the television for three hours. Hooting. Hollering. Rooting. Bemoaning. Bringing up players, games, stats, and stories of yesteryear. Wagers. Ragers. Lagers. I can't imagine having to start from scratch.

Look, we adopted teams from the XFL when they came out. We picked EPL teams to pull for. We picked Olympic sports and little-heralded nations to cheer for. (Sort of.) This is different. It's the NFL, and we've only had one team since we were 5. They were called the "Deadskins" in the 70's when we first became fans. And that our embarrassment of riches from 1982-1992 turned into a debacle of two decades doesn't diminish the fighting spirit of every idiot Redskins fan who cheers for the hideous burgundy and gold, sings "Hail to the Redskins," and fondly recalls Joe Lavender, Dave Butz, Timmy Smith, the Hogs, the Smurfs, the Fun Bunch, and yes, Chris Cooley. On the eve of watching yet another well-hyped acquisition strap it on for the sons of Jack Kent Cooke, I am fired up. I still say 6-10, but I am ready to watch our boys soil themselves all over again in some new embarrassing fashion.

I'm just waiting for the bedlam that will be the party when the Skins are finally back on top someday. Should be a doozy.

Shlara said...

Rob, the Steelers are the best-run and classiest franchise in the NFL. And they win. Constantly. Snyder is the exact opposite of the Rooney family.

Plus, Mike Tomlin is the coach.

Donna said...

Okay, so normally I just read y'all's sports stuff bemused, but I'll enter the fray:

My husband feels just like Clarence, I think.

Shlara - really? Yes, I like Mike Tomlin, too (obviously), but the fact that the Rooney's and all their "ethical morality" that they claim continue to employ Big Ben, the rapist...I don't think so. The Steelers lost whatever childhood loyalty they had of mine long ago.

I vote for the Packers (gotta love the town/city element there) or the Texans...on the way up...nothin bad about that.

Best in your deciding!

rob said...

honestly, clarence, this team hasn't moved me that way in years. i've tried to pretend i still cared, but i really haven't for a while.

i'm intrigued by jerry's idea, but it seems like a lot of work. the pageantry surrounding selection saturday would be fun, though.

jim irsay sent me a colts tie, so i've already got some merch. that's a plus. but the texans logo is sharp. and they've got jonathan grimes. such a hard decision.

Clarence said...

If logo is a deciding factor, the team with the outdated if not racist Native American dude is definitely out of the running.

I can only hope you've been the hex. I don't really believe that to be a possibility.

TR said...

Houston is an ass city. Indy isn't cosmopolitan, but it has some Midwest charm. I think the potential fun of a visit to that city for a game has to be taken into consideration.

rob said...

excellent points there, tr, and i concur in full. hadn't thought about the geographical angle.

Jerry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jerry said...

You could do it NBA lottery style to build the suspense. Set of cards with team logos..."and rob won't be a fan of..." (hot stripper turns over the card).... "the Miami Dolphins" repeat until you get to the last one.

Stripper puts on a sexy outfit of your chosen team. Stripper takes off a sexy outfit of your chosen team. Lap dance. Beer. Corn hole. Great day.

It would be awesome if you ended up with the Redskins.

G:TB said...

Let's hope Grimes makes the team, rob. This is a good sign:

Surprises: Running Back Jonathan Grimes has been exactly what the Texans look for in a 3rd/4th RB. Grimes runs with conviction and shows a good deal of burst, but he also has shown an ability to help out on special teams. Last year, Kubiak kept four RBs on the roster for much of the year and I expect that he’ll do the same thing to open up 2012.

G:TB said...

can the team be chosen each year at OBFT?

zman said...

Combining TR and Jerry's comments, you should choose the team in the city with the best noodie bars. So the Packers are likely out.

Danimal said...

Toronto. Argonauts.

Squeaky said...

Well if it's the best strippers, then it has to remain the Redskins. Hello, Good Guys in NW.







Ok, Good Guys is awful. Never knew what cellulite was until I went to that place in high school. I think Large Marge worked there.

Mr KQ said...

Some rugby buddies of mine were once at Good Guys back in the day for Sunday night "Amateur Night". An eager performer came on and instantly got the crowd going with her patented pull up flip move. As the crowd cheered her on, she promptly knocked herself unconscious on a low ceiling pipe. Trouble there.

Dave said...

this post is so SoD.

http://sentenceofdave.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-retire-from-professional-sports.html

and, of course, it didn't happen.

Shlara said...

Can I talk baseball for a sec? Everyone needs to chill out about Bryce Harper's outbursts. He's passionate AND he's 19 years old. Most 19-year-old boys have issues with self control.

T.J. said...

Shlara, I have no issue with Harper, but he was begging to get tossed one of these games. C.B. Bucknor is the worst ump in baseball, and it was only a matter of time before he decided to show everyone who was boss.