Forgotten Gaylord?

G:TB loves movies. And G:TB really loves bad movies, the kinds that are so bad they'e eternally re-watchable. Classics like Tango and Cash, Roadhouse, Stone Cold, Big Trouble in Little China and Cobra. We know the lines, we know the stars and we enjoy laughing at everything and everyone in the movie.

These movies are great on cold winter days. You're brutally hung-over, yet you've turned the corner because you popped 3 Advils, drank a quart of Gatorade and threw down a heaping plate of greasy breakfast foods big enough to stagger an elephant. You drag yourself out to the couch, scan through a list of bad basketball games, and then settle into some classic Hollywood schlock, with periodic breaks where you grab the Sunday Sports section and adjourn to the toilet for 20 minutes.

Amongst the favorites in Casa de Rhymenocerous are the sports movies of my youth. Classics like Younglood, North Shore and Over the Top are always entertaining. These movies will bubble up in popular culture on occasion, mentioned by friends, or in widely read blogs. But one classic sports movie always seems to get swept under the rug.

I'm talking, of course, about American Anthem. Perhaps you've forgotten about the tension, the action, and the rise and fall of the protagonist. Or perhaps you've forgotten what Wayne Gretzky's wife looked like in tights twenty years ago. Either way, I hope you enjoy this refresher course on the movie.

The title: American Anthem

The players:

Star: Olympic Gold medalist Mitch Gaylord as mercurial gymnast Steve Tevere

Love interest: Famous 1980's hottie and Gretzky wife Janet Jones as Julie Lloyd.

Little brother: R.J. Williams as Mikey Tevere

The plot: Bad boy athlete broods over family tension and lost dreams and tries to look like he knows how to smoke a cigarette. Sexy female gymnast with the body of a supermodel inspires him. Sexy gymnast and bad boy try out for Olympics. Bad boy makes squad because he does an extra rotation on the horizontal bar. Sexy female gymnast makes squad because she does her floor routine to an unorthodox synth-fueled tune composed by her wheelchair-bound friend with a curly mullet. Little brother high-fives his biker friends who have accompanied him to the Olympic trials. Wheelchair-bound friend fist pumps the air because he is also there, but there alone because he looks generally creepy. Spunky little female gymnast does not make squad, but impresses the event's emcee so much that he says her name in a slow and over-annunciated fashion every chance he gets. We'll see you in Barcelona, Becky Cameron!

Anger management coping mechanisms of the characters:

Steve: He copes with his anger by looking angry, yelling at his father and working out on the makeshift gymnastics equipment he has wisely set up in the middle of a leafy forest. While working out, he often tries the most reckless move that a gymnast can ever attempt: Spinning a fourth time on the horizontal bar before dismounting. We know this to be the case because the film score gives us omenous tones during Tevere's rotations when he practices in the forest.

Julie: She copes with her anger towards her strict Bela Karolyi-esque coach by changing the music to her floor routine. To accomplish this feat, she enlists the help of Danny Squire, a wheelchair-bound friend who bears a disturbing resemblance to Eric Stoltz' Rocky Dennis character from the movie Mask. Danny is a superb mixmaster who compiles a hot track of fresh 1980's synth beats for Julie. It sounds like what you'd hear if you played Herbie Hancock's 1980's hit Rockit from a tape recorder...while that tape recorder was in a dryer running at full speed.

Mikey: He deals with his anger in two ways. First, he storms off from arguments, hops on a bike, rides through trails in his own yard, and heads towards a cliff that he doesn't realize is on his own back yard. Second, he seeks solace in the company of his friends. These friends, naturally, are adult male bikers that seem to enjoy the company of a young boy.

Things American Anthem teaches about The US Olympic Gymnastics Trials:

- You don't have to possess any visible upper body

strength to be an elite female gymast. Janet Jones showed that she and her adult figure could hang in there with the muscular, pre-pubescent girls, despite looking she just left the video shoot for David Lee Roth's "California Girls" video.

- The promoters of the US Olympic gymnastics trials like to make their events as exciting and visually entertaining as possible. To do this, they turn the lights low at the event, crank music and have spectacular light shows going off at all times.

- Bikers like to watch the US Olympic Gymanastics trials with 10 year old boys.

Life Lessons Learned from American Anthem:

- Never ever ride dirt bikes in your back yard unless you're absolutely sure there are no cliffs on your property.

- Bring your earplugs to the Olympic trials. And get there early because it will be packed.

- You don't have to be a Gaylord to be a champion! But if you are a Gaylord, and you are a champion, you can get a second wife like Valentina Agius in real life: