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Spanning the globe to bring you...whatever it is we bring you:

Item: Greg Paulus is 1-2 as Syracuse's starting QB

It's fashionable in the snarkosphere to mock the former Duke point guard for his uberhonkiness and earnest floor-slapping rah rah mien. But who among you wouldn't trade a testicle, or at least a few toenails for a chance to play both Division I football and basketball? Paulus threw for 346 yards and 2 scores in leading the Orange over Northwestern last weekend, and while he won't ever be my favorite player, I can't help but admire his talent.

Item: Chipotle Burrito

The manifold causes of American's obesity are well documented. But for the love of God, Chipotle, how do you sleep at night? I just ordered a burrito that's almost literally the size of my head. If I ate the whole thing I'd gain at least 11 pounds, law of conservation of matter be damned. At long last, have you no decency?

Item: My New Favorite NFL Team

We're taking applications. The rules are: a) the team must not have made the playoffs in 2008 (to limit the bandwagoning options); b) the owner must not be an insufferable, fan-hating jerk (which unfortunately rules out the Saints, who look like a lot of fun); and, c) the team must not be the New England Patriots (see explanation for a) above).

Item: Women, Though Inattentive and Dangerous Behind the Wheel, Can Serve a Purpose in Society

Hi, honey! Happy almost Anniversary.

Item: Futile Superfan Update

Your William & Mary Tribe enters the weekend 3-0 and ranked #5 in Division IAA. Jimmye Laycock's boys open their conference schedule this week, hosting Delaware's Fighting Blue Hens under the lights in Williamsburg. W&M, who ripped the Hens, 27-3, in Newark last year, comes into the game with the country's 15th-ranked defense. That was not a typo. Should the Tribe prevail, their 4-0 start would the the school's best since 1994, aka Whitney's 7th year of college. With 4 CAA teams in the IAA Top 10 (none of them named Delaware), this is a crucial game for the Wrens.

Item: Russian Oligarch Wants to Buy the Nets, Move Them to Brooklyn

Because what we need is yet another easy angle for our sports media: Russia has mobsters with ties to sports gambling. So does New York. Presto, headline!