Bigly Football

The English FA Cup fifth round matchups were drawn earlier this week. For the first time in history, as far as we know, two non-league sides have reached the final sixteen, with matches to take place two weekends from now. Sutton United will likely get smoked by Arsenal, and Lincoln City is a big underdog against Premier League minnows Burnley, but it's a miracle that both fifth-division teams are still alive. For what it's worth, I dated a girl named Sutton once. She was really cool and hip and I have no idea what she saw in me. The first night we met, I impressed her by putting an empty bread bag on my head. My game was strong. She still is cool and hip, actually. She's a lesbian art director in San Francisco now. 'An art director who happens to be a lesbian' might be a better way to write that sentence. So I'm rooting for Sutton United.

I'm also rooting for Fulham, who take on Tottenham Hotspur on February 19. The Cottagers are in good form, and Spurs won't necessarily field their first team. So I'm sayin' there's a chance.

We asked our so-called football expert, Fat Guy in a Speedo, to give us a fuller preview of the fifth round. We got more than we bargained for.

Okay? Look. Many, many people have been telling me many, many things about this FA Cup thing over in England. No one knows that I am a huge fan of English soccer, it’s true I am a tremendous fan, believe me. My friend, who happens to be a very famous soccer player, probably the most famous player ever, told me that no one is a bigger fan than me, no one. It’s true he said that.

 People, lots and lots of people, ask me why I’m such a huge fan of the FA Cup, they do, they really, really, do. Is it because it’s 144 years old, they ask? Look, I tell them, so what if it’s hugely, hugely old? John McCain is really, really old and he’s a total loser, big league. Could you imagine a 144-year-old broad? Please, what a total disaster that would look like. I would rather grab a total pig like Rosie O’Donnell’s pussy than some 144-year old’s. It’s true.  Believe me.

“Well,” they ask, “is it because every team in England gets to play in it, amateur and professional? David vs. Goliath?” Listen, I don’t care about a bunch of losers playing against their superiors. I mean what are we now, Communists? Wait, can we strike that quote. I actually know some important Communists, I mean they are very, very, very important and they are really great people, really great, believe me. If I ran the FA I would get rid of amateur teams, I mean, who needs them, who wants to pay money to watch their loser team do what they do best and lose? And we’re not even talking about a lot of money here, we’re talking about really not a lot of money. These are really, really, not smart people.

“Then why do you like it?” they ask, and it’s simple, so simple even that handicapped reporter the lying press said I made fun of could understand it. Fake news! Fake news! I was a tremendous soccer player when I was young, it’s true, ask anyone. I could play any position and I was the best at it, really the best. For free kicks, I used to build a wall with the other team’s players. It’s totally true, ask anyone. Everyone thought I played soccer because my tiny hands didn’t have to hold a ball but that is more fake news. True, I never had a handball but they were all very, very jealous losers. I mean, where are they now? Exactly. They all respected me a tremendous amount. I quit playing because team sports are for failures. Everyone knows this is true, go ask anyone. Winners don’t need to be dragged down by losers just because our team shirts are the same color. I mean, did you remember those shirts? How ugly were those things? I wouldn’t use them for toilet paper, am I right? Well we’re bringing the shirt making back to this country and it’s gonna be great and a lot of people are gonna have a lot of new jobs. People without jobs destroy things. What, you say they don’t? Well somebody out there is destroying those things.

Wait, wait, what’s that? You want to know who’s left in the Cup this year? All the big-league teams and some of the losers are left. Fulham plays Tottenham, I know this because Fulham are now total crap. They were good when they were owned by my friend Mohamed Al-Fayed and he had lots of Americans playing for him but he sold them and they are really, really, crap. His kid killed Lady Di, true story. I once rented him a hotel in London, the whole thing, for double the price it was worth. Then I told him he couldn’t stay there but he had to pay anyway and he did, true story.

London 0 Hull 4

Much of the press coverage surrounding tomorrow's FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Hull City focuses on the London club's nine-year trophy drought. And while it's notable that one of English soccer's heavyweight's hasn't scratched in nearly a decade, it's their opponents' story that we find more compelling.

Fourteen years ago, Hull City was locked out of its home grounds as a result of fiscal mismanagement and missed rent payments. Only ten years ago, the club competed in England's Third Division, only one rung up from what is essentially semi-pro soccer. (The English system, in all its Byzantine glory, is explained in detail here.)  The Tigers slowly found financial stability, and earned promotions in 2005 and 2008 before being relegated to the Championship, then clinched their return to the Premiership last year. Despite being an early favorite for relegation, Hull City managed to stay up, finishing 16th, three points clear of the dead zone.

"I haven't heard of me, either"

Tomorrow's match at Wembley marks Hull City's first-ever appearance in the FA Cup final. Meanwhile, Arsene Wenger's Gunners have won 10 Cups, and taken three doubles (winning the Premier League title and FA Cup in the same year). Arsenal boasts household football names like Mertesacker, Koscielny, Ozil, Podolski, Wilshere, Giroud, and Arteta. Hull, well, Hull have a nice group of lads. Maybe you've heard of Tom Huddlestone, or Curtis Davies? No? That's okay, neither has anyone else.

Win or lose tomorrow, the Tigers have already clinched a berth in Europe next season, grabbing a spot in the Europa League by virtue of Arsenal's entry in the Champions League. From a geographical and probabilistic perspective, this would be roughly akin to the Portland Sea Dogs earning a berth in the American League. (Roughly akin, as there really isn't any American equivalent to the extra-league play that's such a vital part of European soccer.)

In the Tigers' honor, and because one can never have enough Housemartins, a song that describes (at least in the title) Hull fans' barely contained anticipation of tomorrow's 5:00 GMT kickoff.