Bigly Football

The English FA Cup fifth round matchups were drawn earlier this week. For the first time in history, as far as we know, two non-league sides have reached the final sixteen, with matches to take place two weekends from now. Sutton United will likely get smoked by Arsenal, and Lincoln City is a big underdog against Premier League minnows Burnley, but it's a miracle that both fifth-division teams are still alive. For what it's worth, I dated a girl named Sutton once. She was really cool and hip and I have no idea what she saw in me. The first night we met, I impressed her by putting an empty bread bag on my head. My game was strong. She still is cool and hip, actually. She's a lesbian art director in San Francisco now. 'An art director who happens to be a lesbian' might be a better way to write that sentence. So I'm rooting for Sutton United.

I'm also rooting for Fulham, who take on Tottenham Hotspur on February 19. The Cottagers are in good form, and Spurs won't necessarily field their first team. So I'm sayin' there's a chance.

We asked our so-called football expert, Fat Guy in a Speedo, to give us a fuller preview of the fifth round. We got more than we bargained for.

Okay? Look. Many, many people have been telling me many, many things about this FA Cup thing over in England. No one knows that I am a huge fan of English soccer, it’s true I am a tremendous fan, believe me. My friend, who happens to be a very famous soccer player, probably the most famous player ever, told me that no one is a bigger fan than me, no one. It’s true he said that.

 People, lots and lots of people, ask me why I’m such a huge fan of the FA Cup, they do, they really, really, do. Is it because it’s 144 years old, they ask? Look, I tell them, so what if it’s hugely, hugely old? John McCain is really, really old and he’s a total loser, big league. Could you imagine a 144-year-old broad? Please, what a total disaster that would look like. I would rather grab a total pig like Rosie O’Donnell’s pussy than some 144-year old’s. It’s true.  Believe me.

“Well,” they ask, “is it because every team in England gets to play in it, amateur and professional? David vs. Goliath?” Listen, I don’t care about a bunch of losers playing against their superiors. I mean what are we now, Communists? Wait, can we strike that quote. I actually know some important Communists, I mean they are very, very, very important and they are really great people, really great, believe me. If I ran the FA I would get rid of amateur teams, I mean, who needs them, who wants to pay money to watch their loser team do what they do best and lose? And we’re not even talking about a lot of money here, we’re talking about really not a lot of money. These are really, really, not smart people.

“Then why do you like it?” they ask, and it’s simple, so simple even that handicapped reporter the lying press said I made fun of could understand it. Fake news! Fake news! I was a tremendous soccer player when I was young, it’s true, ask anyone. I could play any position and I was the best at it, really the best. For free kicks, I used to build a wall with the other team’s players. It’s totally true, ask anyone. Everyone thought I played soccer because my tiny hands didn’t have to hold a ball but that is more fake news. True, I never had a handball but they were all very, very jealous losers. I mean, where are they now? Exactly. They all respected me a tremendous amount. I quit playing because team sports are for failures. Everyone knows this is true, go ask anyone. Winners don’t need to be dragged down by losers just because our team shirts are the same color. I mean, did you remember those shirts? How ugly were those things? I wouldn’t use them for toilet paper, am I right? Well we’re bringing the shirt making back to this country and it’s gonna be great and a lot of people are gonna have a lot of new jobs. People without jobs destroy things. What, you say they don’t? Well somebody out there is destroying those things.

Wait, wait, what’s that? You want to know who’s left in the Cup this year? All the big-league teams and some of the losers are left. Fulham plays Tottenham, I know this because Fulham are now total crap. They were good when they were owned by my friend Mohamed Al-Fayed and he had lots of Americans playing for him but he sold them and they are really, really, crap. His kid killed Lady Di, true story. I once rented him a hotel in London, the whole thing, for double the price it was worth. Then I told him he couldn’t stay there but he had to pay anyway and he did, true story.