I am, however, fully qualified to rank white people's Thanksgiving food. As our families descend upon us, or we travel to be with them, this seems the perfect time to share. And so, into the kitchen breach, my friends, with Gheorghe's Definitive Ranking of Thanksgiving Food:
Dead Fucking Last: Yams, Sweet Potato Pie, and any other derivatives.
Fucking disgusting. Too sweet, too squishy, too orange, and why would you ruin perfectly good marshmallows like that? Dislike.
12. Pumpkin Pie
Awful consistency, tastes like feet.
11. Turkey
Boring, bland, way too much effort to cook, carve, and serve. Unfortunately, this is always our main dish. White people hate change.
Too sweet. Makes my teeth hurt.
9. Cranberry sauce (from the can)
Shouldn't be as good as it is. My move is always to eat my first plate without it, then slice a little bit for my second round. Kinda like a dessert appetizer.
8. Creamed corn
Okay. Don't love the consistency, but corn tastes good. And the original Pilgrims had it with their meal, so it's historically accurate.
7. Roasted carrots
Gotta cook 'em so there's some carmelization but still some crunch. Little butter and parsley. That's an orange foodstuff I can get behind.
6. Green Beans/Green Bean Casserole
As long as they're cooked with ham, and have enough butter (and cream in the case of the casserole), these are top notch. Now we're getting somewhere.
5. Stuffing
The Stove Toppier the better. Mix it with some mashed potatoes and green beans? Oh hell yes.
4. Apple Pie
The GOAT holiday dessert. Serve it warm with a dollop of cinnamon ice cream, finish it and drift off to fat sleep.
3. Mashed potatoes
2. Creamed onions
Little pearls of perfection. You don't like 'em? Fine, I'll eat yours.
1. Booze
Red wine, beers, whiskey, whatever your tipple of choice. Alcohol is the only Thanksgiving menu item that's non-negotiable. This year, I'm making something called a Cranberry Mule, which is basically a whiskey-based Dark & Stormy with cranberry sauce. I'll let you know how it turns out.
I'm aware that there are other popular Thanksgiving foods, like scalloped potatoes (meh), roasted Brussels sprouts (dig 'em, but we usually don't have them with our meal), dinner rolls (excellent vehicles for more butter), and such, but I can only rank what I know.
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28 comments:
Interesting choice to do this food review though the lens of race. Especially since some of the foods more stereotypically associated with POC are at the bottom of your list.
I eagerly await the rest of the Gheorghe Explains White People series
write what you know, they say. and i know yams are gross.
creamed onions? never had, never seen. am i the only one, as melissa etheridge once asked?
my take on turkey is different than yours - i'm an advocate. throw in some crisp skin, salt & peppuh, a little gravy. c'mon man.
in full agreement on the booze though. the best day drinking day, period. one week from right this second i'll be fighting w/myself to hold off on that first bloody. god bless america.
Didn't have time to read Rob's post yet but jumped in here to comment on the comment about his daughter going to see The 1975. My niece who goes to UVA Law is obsessed with them. Has been to over 20 shows - traveling to London, Seattle, NYC and many, many more. And to Whit's comment on traveling to shows - I don't think I got on a plane to see a show until my early 20s once I'd left college.
Mashed potatoes and stuffing top my list. I barely touch the turkey (except for the turkey neck) but I do take home some leftover dark meat for turkey sandwiches. Not much of a casserole guy but I'll mess around with green bean casserole depending on what else is offered.
I’m Team Creamed Onion as well. But, that makes sense because I’m pretty white.
zturkey will be brined this year for the first time ever. I think this will bump it up in the ratings. Yams are fucking great. Stop being a putz and put some salt and butter on them.
big proponent of the brine z, sometimes even a 2-nighter if i'm feelin frisky.
It's been pouring here for two days straight. High winds too. Basically a massive tropical storm that isn't labeled a tropical storm.
I'm with Z, and Dan. Brine is the way to go for a turkey. Still don't love turkey though. I smoke a prime rib for Xmas. Wish we could do that for Thanksgiving too.
My wife just reminded me…we’re going to try a dry brine this year.
Mark, that’s bullshit that they didn’t name that storm! There are only two storm names left this year, and the very last one is… well, it’s a good name.
But hope you’re okay.
Except it’s the female variant?
Things we don’t need to mention, Z!
Quit eating meat roughly 30 years ago (land-based meat for lack of a better description; I eat seafood and consume dairy). My Thanksgiving centerpiece is usually crabcakes, a piece of fish, or noodles and sauce.
I enjoy most of the other sides, particularly quality mashers, stuffing that didn't come out of the bird, and veggies that aren't casseroled and creamed up. I don't mind casseroles, just not my fave. I'm all in for a baked sweet potato with butter and salt and pepper. Honestly, don't know that I've ever had yams (which is not the same thing as a sweet potato).
But to Rob's and Danimal's point, booze and beer are at least the No. 2 seed on Thanksgiving, and casseroles and creamed stuff can fill the tank to uncomfortability.
If my wife ever meets OBX Dave, I’m not going to mention that he called pasta “noodles”. She’ll shank him. Also, stuffing out of the bird is disgusting and barbaric.
Also, unrelated: Charissa Thompson is about to lose a sweet gig. All time fumble.
gheorghies will likely find this hard to believe, but i make fucking decadent mashed potatoes, so i'd rank them #2... because of course booze is #1
turkey - i like it, the wife and SIL aint fans...but this year my folks are coming to town so we're getting somkey turkey from a local bbq place and i'm hoping that delivers (also having ham)
zman, 69-hour brine. do it.
somkey = smoked, of course
without even looking up what podcast she did this on, let me guess: the one with that pft dude and the large cat?
Mark, does she call red sauce “gravy”? It’s controversial.
Yes Teejus
Zman - absolutely not. It’s sauce. She’s far more Italian than Italian-American and from what I can tell (and hate that I know) that’s a major distinction in the gravy discussion.
Hey Mark, I recall you mentioning that your wife's family is Italian. I think they're culturally obligated to refer to flour-egg-water creations as "pasta." To me, "noodles" is a little more everyman and less haughty and mysterious.
And yeah, if I ordered bucatini noodles in any decent Italian joint, they'd either spit in it or smother it with Heinz ketchup and say, Here ya go, Emeril.
.
We could all stand to go the less haughty route!
Empanadas = meat pies
Sous vide = beef a la baggie
Baked Alaska = pyro pie
Tacos = hamburger snuggies
and an oldie but a goodie
2 Martinis = a couple of bowls of loudmouth soup
Well played, Whit.
Foodie conversation -- cool!
Noodles - what? It's pasta. It's all pasta. Eat it with a spoon. That's my dad. We're Italian, too. Don't eat it for Thanksgiving, though my daughter would welcome us doing so.
Turkey - meh. Brined, definitely makes it infinitely better. Still, low on my list. I'm for seafood on Thanksgiving.
Creamed Onions - yuck! Cranberry out of a can - also yuck!
Greenbean casserole - meh.
Roasted veggies get my vote.
And mashed potatoes. Lots of them! I'm for the rustic-style, as opposed to beaten super smooth.
And dessert - if it's pie, has to be apple. But I'm happy with a chocolate dessert instead.
Drinking - sure. Though as in college, doesn't take much for me. Lately I enjoy Empress Gin with cucumber Fever Tree tonic. And rest of fam is for wine. Lots of it.
Here's to it being happy for all. And safe travels.
Enjoy JMU this weekend! GREAT FUN! Go Dukes.
En route to Saratoga Springs for a cousin’s wedding. No races this weekend, except those involving car bombs.
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