G:TB State Fair Month

Molten cream cheese hurts when it spills from within the crispy envelope of a perfectly fried pickle and lands on one's hand.

This was one of many things I learned when I visited the Minnesota State Fair last week.

Like the Teej before me, I ventured boldly into that Midwestern staple on a mission to see, smell, taste, and experience all of nature's bounty. At least all that can be fried.

I went with colleagues on the Fair's opening day. I was told by everyone that the first day of the Fair's two-week run is generally the best, because the grounds are in the best shape and the yellowjackets haven't yet figured out where the good trash cans are. Everyone was right.

The first day of this year's Fair set a new attendance record, with more than 133,000 Minnesotans (and me) passing through the turnstiles. As you can see in this shitty photo I took as I turned onto one of the main thoroughfares, that's a shitload of folks.

Shortly upon my entry, I met up with my team, and one of the fellas who works for me made it a point to grab me a beer. It's good to be the king. Our meeting point was Fresh French Fries (one of two on the 322-acre property). We met there because it's operated by the family of a colleague of mine. His father started the concession 40 years ago. It's grown to the point where each of the two stands go through 240,000 pounds of potatoes each year, and gross more than $1.2m in 12 days. My colleague Dan always takes vacation during the Fair to run one of the stands. Pretty tidy little business.

And so my first fried food of the Fair was all in the family.

After we scarfed a good helping of fries, we played some midway games. I lost at a shooting game where one shoots actual bb's at target, at whack-a-mole, and at that stupid game where you try to knock over three leaded bottles with a softball. Then I lost to Tony at bumper cars. Tony's a former Green Beret, so he knows how to handle his ride.

Trained killer, that Tony

It was at that point that I went to the fried pickle stand. Man, do I love fried pickles. It turns out that I also love fried pickles with cream cheese, but I didn't learn that until after I received a second-degree burn on my hand and realized that the prudent course of action was to wait until they cooled down.

I recovered quickly, numbing the pain with another beer, before enjoying cheese curds, lefse, shrimp and grits balls, fried feta, and roasted corn in relatively rapid succession. I closed out my gustatory efforts with a sampler courtesy of the Minnesota Brewer's Guild.

I didn't take any pictures with my head inserted into a cartoon body, but I did visit The Current's booth, which was cool. I missed out on seeing Belinda Carlisle and Hootie & The Blowfish, because bad planning, but I saw Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar's teams working their booths with gusto. Saw the Trump booth, too, but gave it a wide berth.

Crowds annoy me as much as the next guy, and perhaps more, but the Minnesota Nice vibe in St. Paul, combined with postcard-perfect weather, several tasty brews, and gleeful work friends happy to be playing hooky to make for a most excellent afternoon. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

Just let your cream cheese-filled fried treat cool for just a minute.