We Need Meddling Kids, Or At Least a Kickstarter

News today coming round Roanoke way, deep in Rootsminer territory, of criminal activity so brazen, so bizarre that there's only one group of sleuths that can crack the case.

On Monday night, a group of obviously knowledgeable and motivated thieves snuck onto the property of Firefly Hill Vineyards and harvested nearly 2 1/2 tons of grapes growing on vines over 3 1/2 acres. Zoinks.

To be serious for a moment, if it weren't such an amazingly shitty thing to do to hard-working vintners who've invested their lives in their business, this would be a remarkable caper. The harvesting process usually takes several days - the group of thieves accomplished it between dusk and dawn and escaped with their loot.

According to co-owner Allison Dunkenberger, the stolen grapes were worth $20 - $25,000, and the company's insurance will not cover the loss, nor the loss of income from the wine that was to be made from them. Her husband David minced precisely none of his words in a statement the vineyard released, saying "To the pieces of cowardly, human scum that came in the night and stole the grapes from my vines. I want to thank you for proving our society has hit rock bottom. May you die a slow and agonizingly painful death so that when you are writhing in pain someone will be kind enough to offer you a drink of wine so you know for what you suffer.”

The Dunkenbergers have been in business since 2007, and it's a family affair. We'll keep our eyes out for the grapes, but even more importantly, we'll be looking for their wine. It's a small gesture, undoubtedly.

People suck sometimes, man.