Sunday, December 28, 2014

Gheorghemas Day 10: Ten Reasons Being

So here we are in the dead zone between the rampant materialism of Christmas and the ugly excesses of New Year's (oddly, you get excess in both directions around New Year's Eve-- there will be drunkenness and gluttony at year end celebrations, of course, but there also won't be a spot available in the 8 AM spinning class at your local gym . . . very weird). It's too late for actual gifts, and it's too soon for quixotic resolutions, and so I'll leave you with something you can use all year long . . . some logic. It's not the most logical logic, but it's free and it's easy to understand, so what's not to like?

I use this reasoning on my children, but I suppose you could try it on adults if you don't have kids.

1. Because I said so . . . the Ur reason, an impenetrable umbrella under which all other reasons fall.

2. Because kids are starving in China/India/Bangladesh/Cleveland . . . this reason probably contributes to the childhood obesity epidemic in the United States.

3. Because it's disgusting . . . I usually pull this reason out after I catch my son Alex picking his nose (and consuming what he has mined) or when when one of my children doesn't flush the toilet and/or wash their hands or . . . sorry to go here. . . when one of my children forgets to wipe his ass and then I usually append a short history of cholera and the miracle of modern plumbing to this reason, ostensibly to scare the shit out of my children (pun intended) but they have a remarkable ability to ignore my stories of death and disease and continue with their hideous hygienic habits.

4. Because mom will go nuts if you don't get it done . . . this is a good one to use when you don't want to be the bad guy-- it usually comes into play when the kids have to finish their homework and/or clean their rooms.

5. Because that's incredibly stupid and you need to wear a helmet . . . this reason was used for a very specific situation, but if you have male children, I'm sure you'll run into something similar.

6. Because we love you . . . this usually precedes a serious grounding.

7. Because you're spoiled and need to suffer . . . after I cited this bit of logic, I chucked a completed Lego set into the recycling bin.

8. Because our family is a team, and we need to cooperate . . . this one is usually necessary after Lord of the Flies/Shining type family event; it's aiming a bit high (perhaps it should be "because our family has to abide by the laws of the United States of America, and therefore it is not legal to strangle, murder, torture, and/or cannibalize family members and they must be treated just as any other human in our society deserves."

9. Because you never see your mother and I behave like that . . . this is as irrational as any reason ever presented to a child . . . why would a pair of pre-pubescent boys act like a couple of forty-year olds who have been married for fifteen years?

10. Because you're damaging our family's reputation . . . this one is patently absurd, but in order to be a parent, you've got to be a hypocrite-- and it's no more ridiculous than the rest of the reasons, so don't be afraid to throw it into the mix.

The important thing here is variety-- you can string these reasons together in an infinite matrix of never-ending lectures and diatribes. Usually after I've perorated for ten or fifteen minutes, I've lost the desire to physically beat my children for their offenses-- and DYFUS doesn't care how long your spiel is-- they can't jail you for a filibuster. So just keep talking. These kids need some suffering, right? They should endure some sort of punishment for their behavior, and a long-winded speech is torture enough . . . so have fun with these reasons, liberally sprinkle them throughout your sermons, and if anyone has any extras for me, so that I'll be a little less predictable in 2015, then I thank you in advance.

28 comments:

mr kq said...

I go pretty heavy on #1. And I'll add "because you need to know good music."

For example, this morning my youngest was introduced to Fugazi 13 Songs.

T.J. said...

Watching my first ever episode of The Wire. Binge watching bonanza to follow.

Dave said...

i do the good music one as well-- they never get to choose the music. i can't wait until i get a serious concussion and can watch the wire all over again.

mr kq said...

Keep an eye out for Det. Patrick Mahon played by Tom Quinn - FOKQ (Father of)

rob said...

all these years, and still nobody's been able to explain to dave how the timing of posts works. smartest guy i know, and somehow also the dumbest.

rob said...

teej, you should liveblog the wire. all of it. i believe i'd enjoy the reliving. and greg should liveblog post. everyone would like that.

rob said...

cavs lost by 23 to the pistons, at home. i'm now willing to entertain the notion that this particular cleveland roster won't even get out of the conference semis, especially without varejao.

david blatt might not be a robot.

Mark said...

I got sucked in to the season 3 of The Wire this afternoon and have watched nearly 5 straight episodes.

T.J. said...

I'll get right on that. Now, back to the show.

TR said...

I play the spoiling/discipline cards a lot. After I caught my 7 y/o throwing some meat and carrots from his dinner plate into the garbage, I made him watch me open up a piece of candy (that was supposed to be his dessert) and empty it into the garbage. It crushed him, but he needs to respect my authori-tie.

Have never chucked a completed Lego set, but may need to soon. Those things are taking over my house.

zman said...

I typically go into an angry fugue state when I do my angry dad rant so I recall little but apparently I'm effective. It takes a lot to get me there though, sort of like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk. Only I don't shred my clothes.

I once shattered a DVD into a million pieces to make a point. Luckily zson couldn't read at the time so he didn't know it was a Dora movie, he thought it was Thomas. With that precedent set my threats of toy destruction carry great weight. Like my stomach.

rob said...

just got followed on twitter by cookie monster - which is nice.

Danimal said...

some decent games on today with texas a&m vs wvu an intriguing match-up. too bad i'm working.

mayhugh said...

I got sucked into The Wire Season 3 yesterday as well. Hard to believe Stringer Bell is an Englishman. Or how many folks from the Wire have made an appearance on The Walking Dead.

T.J. said...

Idris Elba is a handsome handsome man

T.J. said...

why is Jim Haslett still employed?

zman said...

zson is so competitive that he resorts to cheating and bullying in order to win the Thomas Number Game. I have no idea where he got this from, neither zwoman nor I are competitive people. I don't enjoy this at all.

rob said...

i have a hard time agreeing with the assertion that you're not a competitive person. i've seen you (talk about) lawyer(ing).

mr kq said...

WVU backup qb threw td then ran down field displaying John Football cash money sign. #ballerstatus

mr kq said...

This game is heading to 69-68.

zman said...

Ok, I'm not competitive about the Thomas number game.

Dave said...

my son ian is an incorrigible cheater. i come down pretty hard on him about this (because I am a raging hypocrite). my main logic is: "in the old west, if you cheated at cards, they shot you." i should have put that on the list.

rob said...

helped the sweet little asian lady at my dry cleaner search youtube on her phone to find the video for 'uptown funk' this afternoon. that put a smile on my face.

Clarence said...

I'm guessing she took one look at you and figured you would be the guy who knows.

rob said...

it's within the realm of possibility, given where i live, that i'm her funkiest customer.

TR said...

Dave/Shlara - I'm guessing you read the interview with Jay that just got published?

https://firstlook.org/theintercept/2014/12/29/exclusive-interview-jay-wilds-star-witness-adnan-syed-serial-case-pt-1/

Shlara said...

TR--YES! I saw that this afternoon and totally ignored a conference call to read it. I find Jay believable.

And, I'm planning to binge on the Wire in January.

Also, the Wizards are killing the Rockets right now.

***Now the blogger robot test is giving me cheesy phrases to type instead of numbers.**

Mr. Truck said...

good thing i read the comments-- just read the jay interview, thanks TR. i don't know if it changes anything, but some of his logic makes sense . . .