Saturday, August 30, 2014

The Mark and Danimal Pickarama Returns


Those first few Saturdays in February are hard, sobering. Reality sets in. It starts in early January when the bowl games docket thins. The long-term forecast?  Really Dark. Depressing. You yearn for that FBS game cuz it’s gonna be a good one, yet you don’t want it to arrive because of the inevitable. It’s probably exactly like the walk to the chamber, but way different, ya know, with not as much finality or the death thing. You hear me though. You know what I’m sayin. With that one final whistle goes your hope and dreams, your Saturday mornings filled with giddiness and afternoons of burrrbins. What are those replaced with? Dread motherfuckers, that’s what. So unfair. EIGHT (8) MONTHS is the length of the college football off-season.  Technically it’s a hair under 8 months, but we are still talking about days that number well into the 200’s. Twoooooo……………hundreds.

Well it has finally returned and it will be welcomed indeed. And best of all, it brings with it locked at the elbows the weekly football picks by Bad News Hughes and yours, Danimal. We weren’t going to let you down. You had faith in us, right? Many of you likely thought otherwise with so many unanswered letters and autograph requests during our little respite. Apologies, but we are pretty busy guys. Lots of stuff going on up in here. Well, you can simmer your asses down now. Grab a seat and relax. Systems are a go.

The inaugural season of “Mark & Dan’s College Football Picks,” (catchy name) finished with a Mark dubwa. By week 5 and down 6 games it was going to be a grind, but very doable. The headwind couldn’t contain me forever though, could it? Ultimately, yes, it could, and it did. Some old fashioned grinding however got me within one game about halfway through the bowl schedule before the Hughester shut me down permanently. Effer.  Well, another season begins….now.   And p.s., if you’ve never read Wright Thompson’s piece on CFB, get after it.

Danimal’s Picks

Penn State +2 vs Central Florida (Dooblin, Ireland!)
Like my other picks, I don’t know much about these teams. Here is what I do know:
1) CFU is without 2 of its studs from last year, Storm Johnson and Blake Bortles. How do I know that? Because they play for my Jags now stupid! Not too late to jump on the Bortles bus! Come on over to Jaguar Town!
2) It’s in Ireland.
3) George O’LEARY coaches CFU. He’s Irish – his last name could be Pewterschmidt but you’d still know he’s Irish just by looking at him. The map of Ireland is drawn on his face for the love of Pete. At tis writing, it’s dinnertime over in the motherland and George, sources tell me, is knee deep into da corned beef and a bottle of Paddy’s. He’s pissed drunk and enjoyin da craic! As he should be for chrissakes! He’ll finish his session at half midnight and get up with a bit of da pressure and as a result make a poor decision or two and lose the match!
Penn State wins by tree!

These dudes are the f'ing worst.
UCLA -21 vs YOU! VEE! Meh.
12:00 PM EST
The Bruins travel east to take on a team from Charlottesville that spent all year getting made fun of after an abysmal showing in 2013. What’d they win, like, two games last year? They blew. Mike London – how’s that swamp ass treating you from the heat on your seat? UCLA can’t possibly travel east and play a game at a time they are normally kicking tan-legged blondes out of their bed and cover a 21 point spread can they? And UVa is supposed to be a much improved team this year with lots and lots of returning players. So what’s that mean? 6-6? 7-5? UCLA is a Top-10 team with not one but possibly 2 Heisman candidates on the squad, one on either side of the ball. You UVa boys better place a kerchief in those blazer pockets.
Bruins Ruin!

Rice +21 vs ND
3:30 pm
Ha ha ha!  Just kidding! New Rule: No betting on ND in 2014 under ANY circumstances.

FSU -17.5 vs Oklahoma State (Arlington, TX)
I made the mistake of betting against the ‘Noles last year a couple of times due to the many a points they were always giving. Not this year pal. Do I think they’re going to be as good this year? Yes, yes I do. Who doesn’t? I’m just going by what every pundit out there is saying, that they will be as good and maybe even better than last year.  Despite that, I REALLY believe they will falter at some point and hopefully against the cheating Irish. But they won’t falter this week toughy. No siree.  Though Gundy is even more so of  “a man!” …he’s got a little less spring in his step and more webs in the old noggin.
Seminoles

MARK PICKS


Since Danimal did all the heavy lifting and crafted a nice little intro to welcome he and I back this year I'll keep it simple and say that I too am overjoyed at the return of College Football. My Saturdays once again have meaning. Well, a meaning besides yard work and home improvement followed by thinking of an excuse to go have a few beers by myself at the bar late in the afternoon. Don't judge me. There's nothing but women/girls in my house. A man needs a break. Said man may have a bit of a drinking problem as well but we're not here to discuss that. We're here to pick winners.

UCLA (-21) @ Virginia- UCLA is this year's trendy pick to make the College Football's Final Four. For that reason alone I see them slipping up at least once and maybe twice this season. That will happen during their run in the PAC-12 though, certainly not in Charlottesville against Mike London's bunch (he's, somehow, still the coach their, right?). Virginia's best offensive player, Jake McGee, is now starting at TE for Florida (he should be a significant upgrade over either of the two converted DE's who started for Florida last year...) and Virginia hasnt exactly been bringing a load of 4 and 5 star skill position players over the past few years. UCLA can score in bunches. Brett Hundley might be the best NFL QB prospect in College Football and two-way wonderbeast Myles Jack is poised for a monster season after breaking out midway through his freshman season last year. Three TDs is a bunch of points to give up. Less so when you're giving it up to an ACC team that sucks out loud. UCLA.

Arkansas @ Auburn (-19.5)- Once again, I'm giving up a bunch of points. Once again, I don't GIVEAFUCK (Smokey Voice). Bret Bielema's first year in Fayetteville was a disaster and while he's starting to recruit well he can't make up for the lack of talent left to him by Bobby Petrino. Petrino is a hell of a coach but he's a dick with a bad reputation. Not a great recipe for competing with the rest of the SEC West in recruiting. Arkansas, quite simply, doesn't have the horses to run with Auburn. The Tigers are now in Year 2 of running Gus Malzahn's system and should be even more explosive than they were the second half of last year. Nick Marshall's weed arrest means he won't start the home opener but he'll play plenty. Writers who've been down on the Plains to see Auburn practice say they might be the most athletic team in the SEC. Auburn is going to score early and often. I'd advise you to bet the first half line for Auburn and this line. There's no rule against making too much money.  War Eagle.

Utah State (+5.5) at Tennessee- After the disastrous Derek Dooley Era (read some of the quotes on Dooley from former Vols), Tennessee showed some legitimate signs of life last year. Losing to Georgia at home by a FG and then knocking off South Carolina a couple weeks later. Butch Jones followed that up by bringing in a top 10 recruiting class to Knoxville. The Volunteers, much to my chagrin, are on the rise. There's one (actually two) big problem though. Tennessee is the only FBS school replacing every starter on it's Offensive AND Defensive lines this season. That's, um, bad. Meanwhile, Utah State gets the one man show known as Chuckie Keeton back after tearing and ACL last season. If you're not familiar with Mr. Keeton's work, take a few minutes.


I think there's a shot that Utah State wins outright in Knoxville tomorrow night and few things would make me happier. That doesn't matter for these purposes though. Vegas is giving us 5.5 points, so take them and root for the Fighting Chuckie Keetons.

Sweet Jeebus it's nice to have football back.

87 comments:

zman said...

"Houston Texas home of the Texans" doesn't rhyme. Tuuuuurible chorus.

zman said...

But an excellent effort to start the CFB season.

rob said...

penn state is getting points from ucf? that's just embarrassing.

zman said...

I've never heard of Sam Groth before but he has a hyoooodge first serve AND a serve-and-volley game. And he might be a psychopath based on the way he treats the chair umpire. I like.

zman said...

Groth took a hiatus from tennis in 2011 ... to play Australian rules football.

TR said...

Man U now has two points total in their first three matches. Relegation zone, here we come!

T.J. said...

Okie State fans made a turrible sign for GAMEDAY. Rob, post that link in here.

T.J. said...

I AM GROTH

Danimal said...

10 days ago a neighbor invited us to go out on his boat today. Not doing the math, I said "sure! ". Will be missing the majority of the afternoon ball games. Dagger!

Danimal said...

In looking at the halftime stats of this psu game you'd think they were up by 3 Td's.

rob said...

per your request, teej. just turrrrrible on the part of the pokes fans. noles backers don't cover themselves in glory, either.

http://t.co/750KVpuNO9

zman said...

Hopefully the trail of tears hashtag doesn't get any momentum. The hands up sign is a fucking travesty.

zman said...

If you catch a rerun of Federer/Groth watch for 15 minutes at least. Classic throwback tennis, you just don't see matches like that anymore style-wise.

Whitney said...

College football kickoff today here in Norfolk. ODU/Hampton. Now C-USA Big Blue looking for their potential lone win of 2014.

Clarence said...

With a little Groth you can Roger.

Mark said...

Poor tackling by UCF on the final drive but still a pretty impressive two minute drill by Hackenberg.

Mark said...

Stone Cold Steve Austin picked Utah St straight up. Great minds...

Decided to drop a little $ on Navy +15 this morning.

Mark said...

I did not anticipate UCLA's offensive line being hot garbage.

mayhugh said...

That's okay. Grayson Lambert is not quite a finished product. Defense might score 2 of the tree TD's you need.

Mark said...

Is there a more UVA name than Grayson Lambert?

mayhugh said...

He's probably wearing a white shirt and power tie under his jersey. Good thing because he'll be a spectator in the 2nd half.

Mark said...

UCLA looks awful. I should've sniffed them out as frauds when they became the trendy Final Four "sleeper" pick this year. Navy on the other hand is making my day in multiple ways.

Mark said...

Fact that probably only interests me: 6 QBs starting for FBS teams started their careers at UF or FSU. 3 each for both schools.

Mark said...

Nice to have the post back up.

mayhugh said...

Tribe looks like the belong on the field anyway. They can't muster a pass rush. I'm at a furniture store sitting on afloor model watching the game. Wife probably spending all my money.

mayhugh said...

All "our" money, she would say.

Clarence said...

Tribe was looking good. Then a jailbreak sack fumble returned to the 3. Two great stuffs then a close call on defensive holding. Two great stuffs and an illegal formation. Then the DB made a great play to be in perfect position for a pick and somehow fell down and handed the ball to the WR for a TD.

It's a progression that often turns a would be upstart spoiler into a dejected ass kickee. We'll see if Laycock can keep them on point.

Danimal said...

You at game Clarence?

Clarence said...

Tribe center just snapped the ball into the QB's ass as he was communicating with the sideline. Wheels and cart getting some separation here.

Mark said...

You'd be doing. Rey well today if you just bet the opposite of me.

Mark said...

Really, not Rey. Not sure what Mr. Sanchez is up to.

Clarence said...

I tailgated at ODU/Hampton with some delicious homemade Sriracha sauce wings and a bunch of Knob Creek. It's always 50/50 whether someone offers us a free ticket. The key is getting a ticket with the proper insignia to get you in the end zone bar. Didn't happen. Came home and both that game and the tribe game are on TV. Lovely.

rob said...

sitting at a local brewpub called adroit theory. great, experimental beers and a heavy metal theme. metal on the stereo, hardcore graphics. my oldest daughter is in heaven.

rob said...

that field goal might be important, gambling-wise

Mr KQ said...

These fucking calls for Alabama are fucking ridiculous FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Mark said...

Lightning delay pushes back kickoff of Gator. Why? Why???

rob said...

jimmye fucking punted down 25 with the ball on the w&m 41? fuck you, you fucking fuck.

rob said...

and mr kq, when you're the best, you get certain accommodations.

Danimal said...

Reow!!!, fit fft!

Mark said...

Gator game now delayed until 8:05. I guess I'll be drunk at kickoff.

Mark said...

Now kickoff is 8:34. This is torture.

I know none of you care.

TR said...

Clemson-UGA looking like a good one. Family back home safely after a great vacation. We underrated the impact of a short flight on a small United Express jet (~80 ppl on flight). When you fly into a tiny airport on a small jet, logistics are so much simpler.

Mark said...

Yes they are. I always try and fly out if my local airport if possible. I show up 20-30 minutes before my flight. I'm home 20 minutes after landing when I return.

Marls said...

Would love for north Texas to take a big steaming dump on the longhorns tonight.

Marls said...

Love small regional airports except for the fact that the TSA agents all seem to take thir job super seriously. Grand Rapids airport is fantastic except for the cavity search.

Danimal said...

#wings

Mark said...

9 pm start now. God. Damn. It.

Mark said...

Teej has flown in and out of the Melbourne airport. It's a joy.

Marls said...

That NASA "museum" out front is a peach.

Mark said...

Beside the obvious annoyance of having to wait two hours for the Gator season opener, I have a fantasy draft at my friend's bar tomorrow at noon. I need my rest, dammit.

Mark said...

Pure class, Marls.

Danimal said...

Gurley leading in the Heisman race. Golson a close second.

Mark said...

Florida kickoff now scheduled for 9:50. Better late than never?

Mark said...

Kickoff. Big return. Immediately followed by another lightning delay. In. Fucking. Real.

rob said...

i've clearly failed as a brother. not only did my sister become a rabid florida state fan, she's in dallas this evening watching the noles. inreal, indeed.

zman said...

Dinner tonight included seared scallops, gnocchi with fried pancetta, veal porterhouse, chocolate tart, and some Blanton's mixed in along the way. I am happy and massively bloated.

Mark said...

That's a hell of a dinner.

Rob- did your sister go to FSU or just adopt them while in Florida? Bad call either way. Gators are the way to go.

zman said...

zsister-in-law kindly babysat tonight. She asked me "what's the deal with the man in the yellow hat?" and I have no good answer. Who wants to live with a curious chimp?

rob said...

jesus, zman. i bow before your gustatory prowess.

mark, she married an fsu grad and bought in all the way. i failed her.

zman said...

A gaggle of neighbors has congregated on the front lawn across the street and are cajoling us to drink with them. I have no room for anything else in my belly but what type of frat guy am I if I can't drink a few beers at 10:30 on a Saturday night?

rob said...

shots, z. shots.

Mark said...

The long slow crawl is over. Florida's game is cancelled. Fuck.

Mark said...

Drink some liquor, Z. I'm as anti social as they get but you can't deny a neighbor's free drink request.

My kid loves Curious George too. A blessing considering the cartoon alternatives.

Mark said...

Rob- should I send you some Gator gear to taunt your sister? Because I'm good with that.

TR said...

It's fun and easy to root against Jameis Winston. I have developed a few ties to OKC and know how much an OSU victory would mean to that area.

rob said...

jimmie manners appearance on my television this morning. i've got a fired up little girl up in here.

zman said...

David Ferrer is rocking a tye-dye-ish shirt today. I guess this is why you don't see much Lotto tennis gear is the US.

Danimal said...

My oldest is only 6 so am still getting accustomed to crazy parents at sporting events. This a.m. I was a volunteer for a local kid's tri that he was taking part in. I saw 6-9 year olds in personalized custom suits/kits, many with REAL (felt's, trek's) road bikes, I saw an aero helmet and one kid with a set of $2,000.00 WHEELS! It was disgusting. The bike portion mind you was 2 miles for juniors and 4 for the older kids (9-11). A couple of parents were observed post race disputing times that are kept electronically. It was quite a show. These were the exceptions and most were normal kids with normal parents but jeezus.
My kid rode a bike I got for $20.00 at Play It Again Sports. #baller

zman said...

Speaking of crazy triathletes (but in a different way) zsister-in-law recently completed a half tri in 6:03:29. That seems really impressive by itself, but the degree of difficulty was extra high because she participated through Achilles International--she ran it as a team with a blind athlete. So she was tethered to someone else for the swim and run and did the bike portion on a tandem. This seems like a really good way to get maimed but she's done this successfully several times now.

T.J. said...

Walter White Pizza Toss!

zman said...

You know your teams sucks when you're excited that they signed Kyle Orton.

rob said...

we've been really lucky when it comes to parental insanity, perhaps because my kids are good but not elite at the things they've chosen to do. but even so, i've seen some crazy shit. last year one of my daughter's dance studio teammates was verbally accosted by the mother of another girl during a competition because the little girl had the audacity to get a higher score than crazymom's daughter. these kids were 12 at the time. fucking loonbats, man.

Danimal said...

That's good stuff for the z sis. Great time and cause. I need to do that one of these times....2015

zman said...

Sharapova vs. wozniacki.

Mark said...

Fantasy draft at a bar. Three good friends are in the league with me and I barely know the rest of the people. We sit together, make fun of everyone and drink. Good times.

Two of my good friends (brothers) are heavy smokers. Less good times.

Mark said...

Also an open bar at this draft. Can get dangerous. I was rocked by the end last year.

zman said...

That's when you wind up with David Nelson and Jesse Palmer.

Mark said...

Thankfully I am not that level of Gator homer. One of my friends just left because his wife is going into labor. He showed restraint and refrained from drinking. We're in charge of the back end of his team now. We should ruin it, right?

zman said...

100%. Draft only Bills.

Clarence said...

Under an umbrella next to a cooler at 69th Street in Virginia Beach. Perfect ocean day. And the eye candy is not bad. More "hey, look at that" than "ew, look at that." Life is good.

T.J. said...

27 episodes down.

rob said...

friends had a pool party/crab feast. drank too much. ate too much. dove into the pool trying to make acrobatic football catches too much. life is good.

clarence, scotti says hello.

rob said...

as does holly. worlds colliding.

mayhugh said...

Teej - let me know when you get to the epidsode where Walter White undergoes a sex change. Oops, hope I didn't spoil anything...

T.J. said...

Will do, Mayhugh.
Bitch.

Clarence said...

Ooh, I love me some Scotti. Most beautiful eyelashes ever.

Holly? Bienia? Love her, too.

Clarence said...

Aloha, Gheorghies!