Monday, August 25, 2014

My Kingdom for a Man-Sized Fish Cannon

Alternate headline: Why Should Fruit and Salmon Have All the Fun?

For far too long, only fruit knew the joy of being placed into a flexible pneumatic tube and sucked gently, though rapidly over vast distances before landing comfortably. Today, thanks to the engineers at Whooshh, salmon and other fish are getting in on the action.

In many places in the world, human demand for electricity and predictable water supply have led to the creation of dams that have the unfortunate side effect of interfering with the migratory spawning habits of various species of fish. Though salmon, for example, can leap over barriers as high as 12 feet tall, that's often not enough.

Enter Whooshh, and their vacuum tube. Wildlife stewards, fisheries managers, and those lucky civilians with a need to shoot fish as far as 200 meters now have the mean. Fish are loaded into the safe, soft tube at one end, then propelled at 22 mph to their destination. Screaming their fishy heads off, rollercoaster-style, the entire way, I assume. (Like the little girl, not her dad.)

Here at G:TB, we're constantly seeking innovation, to repurpose the mundane in search of the sublime. Just last week, for example, we identified a way for humans to grow new appendages. (Has the engineering team completed that prototype yet? Who's in charge of the engineering team? Someone send a memo to someone.) 

And in that spirit of relentlessly seeking to improve the human experience, we've contacted Whooshh to explore the feasibility of the next, most obvious step in the evolution of vacuum-powered matter transport: the man-sized version. We're working on a name for it, but I've already volunteered by be a test subject. We'll start with simple tasks, like shooting people into a lake, but if our hunch is right, you'll be commuting this way within the decade. 

You know what Bart Scott has to say about that.

52 comments:

zman said...

Onomatopoeia y'all.

Danimal said...

Heard a reporter on the Mike and Mike show today try and use one of those $5.00 William and Mary words, "tangential". "Tangenital" was what came out. Everyone pretended not to hear it, which was very disappointing.

T.J. said...

While waiting on House of cards, Orphan Black, and The Americans to pump out new episodes, BaconBaking and I took the plunge yesterday - Breaking Bad has been started in our household. Four episodes down, 58 to go.

TR said...

Breaking Bad Binge was great late-night vacation watching for wife and me last night.

Teej - it gets better and better very episode. You will love it, even though your love of House of Cards has me questioning your taste.

T.J. said...

won't be the first or last time you question my taste

T.J. said...

and if you do not watch Orphan Black, I strongly urge you all to give it a shot. one of those BBC shows with only 10 episode seasons, so you can knock out the show real fast

Geoff said...

Any list that ranks the "social life" at William & Mary above that at UCLA loses some credibility:

http://dailycaller.com/2014/08/25/the-best-52-colleges-in-america-period-when-you-consider-absolutely-everything-that-matters/#ixzz3BPTgFFwG

T.J. said...

Um...

Jets cornerback Dimitri Patterson has been missing since Friday's game at MetLife Stadium against the Giants.

Mark said...

Surprising that Teej and Mrs. Teej are just now getting into Breaking Bad. I bought my parents an Apple TV and gave them my Netflix password with the expressed purpose of having the watch Breaking Bad. They knocked it out in less than a month.

I just started watching Sherlock (BBC show) and strongly endorse it. Already knocked out Fargo this summer. It gets my strongest white.

rob said...

this is perhaps the most sublime piece of sportswriting in the category of preseason preview that's ever been written:

http://touch.dailypress.com/#section/-1/article/p2p-81161437/

zman said...

rob's hyperbole isn't overly hyperbolic. That's some good stuff.

Shlara said...

wow Rob--you're right.
and there's no byline so the mystery journalist can't even get credit

Dave said...

i heard orphan black is good -- i will get it from netflix. meanwhile, my wife and i are binge-watching "the guild." i don't know if it's good or not, but we are laughing and can't stop.

rob said...

the mystery journalist is a fogtb who writes for the daily press.

Clarence said...

Apparently a rising W&M senior committed suicide on campus today. Bad stuff.

Danimal said...

http://thebiglead.com/2014/08/23/jean-claude-van-dammes-daughter-did-a-very-athletic-ice-bucket-challenge/#sthash.ytYATTyF.uxfs

If you've grown tired of watching Ice Bucket Challenges, watch this one. Probably not what her old man had in mind. I likey.

TR said...

Bianca Bree seems nice for sure.

Danimal said...

Can't tell yet...will have to give it another look. I'm such a perv!

Danimal said...

How's hhi treatin tr? you aren't staying at the plush, Inn at Palmetto Bluff are ya big fella? hmm? hmm? Danny?

TR said...

We are staying in a 2 BR beachfront condo in Palmetto Dunes that has a pool and beach access. Nothing over the top, and rates are good b/c Southerners are back in school by now.

We are two buildings away from the Omni, and we found out we can freeload at their pool w/o getting caught. Planning to get a round or two in. And we saw out first gator!

Marls said...

Two really ugly ladies playing tennis right now.

rob said...

at tr's place?

Marls said...

ESPN2

zman said...

You'll never forget your first gator. Or your first gumby.

B.D. Pipia circa 1992

TR said...

Has anybody ever seen Dave and Vince Gilligan in the same room at the same time? Hmmm.

Dave said...

i need to read my comments more often-- in my sentence about what a cool surname "rainwater" is, the guy's wife commented and said that's why she married him. apparently. mrs. rainwater works in my school district AND reads my blog. weird and scary.

zman said...

From where I'm sitting it looks and feels like my delicates were slammed in a car door. Or like I was vasectomized by someone wielding a grapefruit spoon. Which is to say I'm uncomfortable and bruised.

rob said...

i like how zman subtly insinuates that his nads are the size of a grapefruit.

zman said...

They are swollen from being slammed in a car door.

rob said...

starting to see rumors that josh shaw actually hurt his ankles jumping from a balcony to escape the lapd after a domestic abuse incident. slightly less heroic if true.

Mark said...

Josh Shaw was recruited to Florida by Urban Meyer so that's believable.

rob said...

mk dons, a third-tier side, beat manchester united, 4-0, in league cup action today. bwahahahahahahaha. even fulham advanced in the league cup.

mayhugh said...

If anyone is looking for a patsy to include in their fantasy football league, sign me up. have not played in 5 years, but I assume Clinton Portis is still good?

Clarence said...

He's no Edgar Bennett.

Mr KQ said...

I'm with Mayhugh lookin for some action. Former fantasy geek who played pre computers. That's right, stats from the Monday papers. Lookin to get back in the game. You guys playin cards?

Mark said...

Z- you see the new Federer/ Jordan 3 mashups? Whoooo.

Mark said...

TJ has organized a league in the past. His galivanting around Europe has probably gotten in the way of that this year.

rob said...

did a fantasy draft with my colleagues at work this evening. it was a shitshow. rg3 drafted in the 2nd round. complete mindfuck for me, accustomed as i am to a league with general competence from top to bottom. i'll probably finish last.

mayhugh said...

I assume Alfred Morris went #1 in the same draft?

zman said...

Cot dam!! I hadn't seen those yet. Ima be the only guy rocking cement RFs at my club.

rob said...

our girl elena delle donne scored 34, led her team back from 16 down entering the 4th quarter, and hit the game-winner with 16 ticks left to send the sky to the eastern conference final. she also thinks those federer/jordans are sweet.

zman said...

But those XX9's though.

TR said...

NFL trivia question (no peeking):

What's a bigger number: the number of franchises that have won the Super Bowl once, or the number that have won it three or more times?

Second part: guess the number in each bucket.

zman said...

My guesses are:

Three or more: Steelers, Niners, Pats, Giants, R**skins, Cowboys, Packers

Once: Jets, Saints, Rams, Bears, Seahawks, Bucs

No idea how many but I know they won at least one: Raiders, Chiefs, Dolphins, Colts

TR said...

The Tim Wright story keeps getting more interesting. He could have a huge year with Brady.

TR said...

Zman missed the Raiders as a three-timer (2 in Oak, 1 in LA) and missed the Chiefs as a one-timer. Colts, Ravens, Miami and Denver each won it twice.

zman said...

The Patriots will at a minimum be better coiffed now that they have Tim Wright (apparently he trained as a barber).

Danimal said...

This is a "can't sleep" Hey Gheorghies and not one of the garden variety "I'm hammered on someone else's dime while on a road trip to insert destination city/resort/Miami here" variety.

Dave said...

i am in a fantasy league as well this year, and my knowledge is low to none.

i assume elves make good wide-outs?

Dave said...

on a more positive note, i just put up the sentence of the year.

Mark said...

If I played tennis I'd definitely get those Federer's. Still considering it actually.

The Tim Wright to the Patriots move could be major. I love him as a receiving TE. If he can pick up the system in New England he could be a huge factor as their move TE.

rob said...

somebody push the fish gif down