It's a bit of cliche that stepping on Lego bricks is one of the banes of parental existence. Cliches, my friends, have a kernel of wisdom in them. My kids are now 18 and 15, so it's been a long time since the corner of a Lego dug deep into my hypodermis, eliciting howls of pain and creative cursing, but it happened more than once. Now it's my daughters' steadfast laziness that elicits most of the cursing.
Legos have been around for 66 years. Only now have those sadistic assholes decided it might be in their customers' interest to solve this pain-delivery problem. Lego teamed with a French advertising agency (I don't know, man) to create purpose-built anti-Lego slippers, which feature a heavily padded sole to protect tender dadfeet (momfeet, too, though Moms seem better equipped to deal with a little bit of temporary pain).
Apparently the Lego jerks are only making 1,500 of these, to be distributed randomly this holiday season. Because they like mocking our pain.
Just one short month ago - a far more innocent time - we took a break from holding our hands over our eyes and practicing nuclear blast defense drills to celebrate soccer's ability to render grown men weepy.
That was just a prelude to the events of the past few days.
As qualifying for the 2018 World Cup draws to a close, national sides both legendary and little-regarded have clinched their berths in the 32-team competition. Their fans have celebrated appropriately.
In Alexandria, Liverpool striker Mohammed Salah scored a pair of goals to send Egypt to Russia, the first time since 1990 that the Pharoahs qualified for the finals. The broadcaster was...happy (the first 1:48 or so will give you the gist).
And those that weren't celebrated Viking-style with the team.
Manchester United midfielder Nemanja Matic has played in his share of big games, but the Serbian was overcome by emotion after his country qualified for their first World Cup since 2010 with a 1-0 victory over Georgia.
And much, much closer to home, the U.S. Men's National team put aside weeks of panicked commentary and punditariat hand-wringing in a stirring display, drilling visiting Panama by a 4-0 score that probably could've been 7-0. Or 7-3, given the several defensive lapses the visitors failed to bank. Christian Pulisic opened the scoring with a bit of skill rarely seen by American players, then added an assist on the second goal. It's already reasonable to argue that Pulisic might be the best American ever to play the game.
The Americans play tonight in Port of Spain against Trinidad and Tobago. A win guarantees our ninth consecutive trip to the World Cup finals. Barring some epic goalscoring binges by Honduras and/or Panama, a tie will be good enough, too. A loss against cellar-dwelling T&T would be both unthinkable and disastrous. So we won't think about it.
Some of the biggest teams in the world still haven't done all the work, and find themselves in the same place as the USMNT. Portugal and Italy will have to win a qualifying playoff to book their tickets, while the Netherlands are all but out. Tonight, Lionel Messi and Argentina currently sit in sixth place in CONMEBOL qualifying, where four teams automatically go through, and the fifth gets to drub New Zealand for the pleasure. The Albiceleste are tied with Peru on 25 points, only three behind second place Uruguay. Paraguay is only one point back with 24 points. Six teams are legitimately in the mix for the final four places.
But at least they're not Wales. Needing a win over rivals Ireland to clinch at least a UEFA playoff spot, the Christian Bale-less Welsh yielded a second-half goal to James McClean to fall, 1-0, and extend its World Cup finals drought to 60 years. The Welsh fans opened the match with an amazing rendition of their national anthem.
But in soccer, as in life, there are winners and losers. Yesterday, the Welsh finished out of the money. Here's hoping (praying) that tonight tells a different story for the red, white, and blue.
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