Sugar We're Going Down Swinging

Supporters of the so-called "Other 14" in English soccer watched with a combination of bemusement and horror last week as the "Big Six" joined with three Italian and three Spanish clubs to launch the European Super League. Turned out the ESL owners were flying with waxen wings, and the sun was shining brightly. Karma, as we know, is a bitch.

Rumors now abound regarding the possible penalties the six English clubs (Liverpool, Manchesters City and United, Arsenal, Tottenham Hotspur, and Chelsea) might face as they return to the fold, tails between their legs. Some reasonably credible folks have suggested they face as much as a 30-point penalty in the standings. In reality, they wield too much power for the English Football Association (FA) to do much more than slap their greedy wrists. I'm guessing a transfer ban of some sort.

But if I'm wrong, and the FA's righteous fury becomes the worst case for the six traitors, well that's at least an interesting thought experiment. At the moment Man City is coasting to a third league title in four years, ten points clear of Manchester United with five matches to play. Here's what the current table looks like:

Imagine for a moment the seismic reshuffling that would result from a 30-point deduction. The top four would be:

1. Leicester (59 points)
2. West Ham (55)
3. Everton (52)
4. Manchester City (47)

(It's a measure of City's dominance that a 30-point deduction would still see them likely to qualify for the Champions League.)

Leeds United, Aston Villa, and Wolves would grab Europa League places in this scenario. What's perhaps more interesting is what the relegation battle would look like. The legendary Arsenal would be in dead last, seven points away from safety, one point behind Sheffield United. Tottenham Hotspur would occupy the 18th spot in the table, a point behind Liverpool. Chelsea would probably be safe on 28 points, but it wouldn't be guaranteed.

Oh, and, y'know, Fulham would suddenly be in 15th, four points clear of the relegation zone. Whaddya know about that?

Back here in the real world, Fulham are seven points from safety with five matches to play. They've managed to drop seven points from winning or tied positions in the final 15 minutes of each of their last three matches (in the final minute of two of those three). It does not look good for my guys. 

Unless something changes, Fulham will be relegated for the third time since I've been a supporter of the club. I'm starting to think those greedy dudes who wanted a guaranteed place in the ESL competition might've been on to something.

Come On You Whites! Let's make a miracle. Or let's listen to Bruce Springsteen sing our 2020/21 anthem.

Fulhamerica and the Undefeated Internet

It's been a week or so since Fulham defeated Brentford in the English League Championship playoff final to clinch promotion to the Premier League for 2020-21. We're not here to recap the game in its entirety, but I will share Joe Bryan's first goal of the game because it was a) sublime, and b) the product of outstanding scouting and in-the-moment coaching. According to Bryan, Fulham coach Scott Parker told him to attempt the shot in real time. It worked out.

But that's not why we're here today. 

Parker, Fulham's young skipper, was emotional and candid in his post-match interviews, which drew plaudits. But one internet wizard was struck by the similarities between Parker's South London accent and speaking cadence and those of The Streets frontman Mike Skinner, as heard on 'Dry Your Eyes'.

And that internet genius (@markypickard) went and did this, mashing up images from Parker's playing (and childhood commercial acting) career with his post-match video:

And here is the extended, better edited version of Scott Parker vs the Streets including Scott as the Mcdonalds kid 😁 thanks to the following for the footage: @footballdaily @leisureleagues As said before congrats to Scott and @FulhamFC #dryyoureyes #thestreets #ScottParker pic.twitter.com/ZQGc5OpZv5

— Mark Pickard (@MarkyPickard) August 6, 2020

Relegate: Alive?

Please, please, please

When we last looked in on Fulham, the Cottagers were off to a mediocre start, sitting in 18th in the Premiership table having just sacked their manager. Now,with five league matches to play, they...sit in 18th in the Premiership table having recently sacked their manager (again).

While the tight battle at the top of the Premiership has justifiably received a great deal of attention, there's arguably more action down below. With just over a month remaining in the season, ten teams are within 12 points at the bottom of the table.

Fulham are on 27 points through 33 Premiership matches, ahead of only Sunderland (25 points) and Cardiff City (26). The Cottagers trail Norwich City (32) and West Bromwich Albion (32) by five points, with Swansea (33) a point further in front and Crystal Palace (34) and Aston Villa (34) yet one more point clear of the relegation line. Hull City (36) and West Ham United (37) will be forgiven if they consider themselves safe, but might wish to tie up any loose ends, just in case.

Magath has cool specs, bad team

Despite, or perhaps because of its precarious position, Fulham have actually begun to show some life over the past few weeks. The Cottagers topped Aston Villa on Saturday, as halftime substitution Hugo Rodellega scored with four minutes remaining to give the visitors a vital three points. The victory makes two in four for Fulham, who surprised Newcastle at Craven Cottage on March 15.

Fulham Manager Felix Magath, who replaced Rene Muelensteen, who had replaced Martin Jol (to say this year's been a bit of a circus under owner Shahid Khan would give the big top an undeserved black eye) said before the Villa match that his side needed four wins in its final six to avoid relegation. They had seven in the previous 32, which gives a sense of the hill Fulham must climb.

Next Saturday, Norwich City visits Fulham in what essentially amounts to a must-win for the Cottagers. A win would close the gap between the two teams to just a pair of points, and Norwich's final four matches are a murderer's row (home matches against Liverpool and Arsenal sandwiched around road trips to Manchester City and Chelsea).

'Hairy guy in a little tie...'

Fulham closes the Premiership campaign with a visit to Spurs, a home match against middling Hull City, a roadie at Stoke (40 points), and finally, a home tilt against Crystal Palace. Winnable matches all, with the exception of the top-flight Tottenham squad. No other side in the relegation battle faces as many mediocre opponents, with the exception of Sunderland, who has oddly played only 30 matches thus far. Jozy Altidore and his mates face Cardiff, West Brom, and Swansea, in addition to five of the league's top teams.

It will still take some doing, and some help from others, but Fulham's slight stirring under Magath has the Craven Cottage faithful holding out hopes. Not. Dead. Yet.

Relegate (Sung to the Tune of 'Celebrate')

Fulham lost a desultory 3-0 match to West Ham yesterday. The loss was the Cottagers' fifth in a row in Barclays Premier League play, and dropped them to 18th in the league table. Owner Shahid Khan (of the Jacksonville Khans) sacked skipper Martin Jol in a move that the internet cognoscenti (led by Sports Illustrated's terrific Andy Glockner - @andyglockner, if you're not already following him) have long advocated.

18th place is fairly dismal just on its own, but in European soccer's particular brand of Darwinian survivalism, the teams finishing in the Premiership's last three spots each season are demoted, replaced with three squads from the Championship. So roughly midway through the season, Fulham, a generally reliably mid-table squad, finds itself squarely in danger of relegation.

Since 2001, the Cottagers have competed at the top level of English soccer, earning a Europa League berth in 2010. Now, though, after selling star forward Clint Dempsey to Tottenham and watching Belgian international Moussa Dembele join Spurs, as well, Fulham has become a dreadfully boring, offensively challenged side. Glockner's plot of the squad's rolling average shots on goal in comparison with their opponents' is telling:

After a 12th place finish in 2012-13, Fulham have started this season 3-9-1, scoring 11 goals and allowing 24. In their last six matches (five losses and a win), they've managed a total of four shots on goal.

In short, they suck.

But this isn't a post about Fulham, per se. It's the beginning of a series on relegation. We don't have such a thing in U.S. sports, so it's a foreign concept to most of us. Fulham's my chosen Premiership side, on the strength of the club's history with American players (and unwillingness to pick one of the obvious choices). And while I confess to not having immersed myself deeply in the club's fortunes, I do follow them.

With 25 matches left, Fulham have lots of opportunity to reverse course and get out of danger. Interim skipper Rene Meulensteen gets a shot at Tottenham on Wednesday, and Khan certainly has the money to pursue new players in the January transfer window - it's in his interest to spend, because the economic impact of a demotion is estimated at 25 million pounds per year.

Since I won't have to worry about a national championship football game this season, I'll turn my attention to Fulham's fight to stay in the Premiership. Stay tuned.