Turning Deez Nuts and Doz Balls Into Cash

Big news in the world of salty nuts! No, Zman did not run out of talc. Kraft Heinz, the poorly named consumer food conglomerate that is struggling to find ways to increase profit margins, is shuffling its portfolio of unhealthy, affordably-priced foods that will keep Americans in various stages of obesity. The company announced today it is selling its Planters (and others) nuts businesses to Hormel for a whopping $3.35 billion. The line had $1.1 billion in sales in 2020. Deez nuts are valuable, my friends. Hormel can pay up because interest rates are stupid low because Jerome Powell is fine with manipulating interest rates to overheat the economy.

In case you wanted to know, its nuts business includes the Mr. Peanut (RIP) Planters brand, as well as its corn nuts business. Corn nuts kinda suck, right? I mean, they can be salted or flavored to make them more palatable, but when you're eating them, you always know you made a suboptimal decision. It's like eating pretzels. 

So Mr. Peanuts now works for Hormel, best known for Spam. The sale also brings the Planters Cheez Balls line to Hormel. While my keto-living self no longer eats processed foods like these, I was ride or die for Cheez Balls for many years.  I ended more than one drunken night by pouring Cheez Balls into a cereal bowl and eating them with a large spoon. That kept my fingers clean. You know, because I'm classy. 

I am enough of a Cheez Balls fan that I want to buy this shirt, especially now that it is a collector's edition b/c the label says Heinz. I assume the Teej owns one of these. Or two.

This deal sets an attractive comp for Pete Schweddy's Schweddy Balls line. No word on them being bought by Ben and Jerry's, after their limited batch ice cream venture. Happy Friday, gents. 

A Differential Gheorghemas Interlude

Did you ever wonder how your car's differential works?  Do you know what the differential is?  It's that round thing behind your truck nuts.

Luckily, in 1937 a guy named Jam Handy made a movie explaining it in an accessible way.  Parenthetically, Jam Handy sounds like a good guy to have around if you need to throw a particularly large or belligerent person in the bowl.

You can fast forward to 1:55 if you don't want to watch the introductory nonsense.  Postcount!

Gheorghe Explains the Election with a Caption This!

Two recurring features colliding! Caption this while explaining the election!!

Gheorghe Explains the Election

(This is the second in an occasional series of posts that will continue until we forget to do the next one, or get bored, or see a shiny object that dis...oooh, squirrel!)

It's a measure of how low our societal expectations have sunk that the Deez Nuts phenomenon has enough oxygen to become more than just an ember, drifting at the far fringes of our national electoral bonfire. But as first Donald Trump and now Deez Nuts' rise show in stark terms, people just want to watch the motherfucker burn.

As most of you know by know, Deez Nuts is the brainchild of 15 year-old Iowa native Brady Olson, who registered Nuts as an Independent candidate for President of the United States of America. Pretty good prank for a high school sophomore to begin with, but as of this writing Deez Nuts is polling in the high single digits in Presidential polls in North Carolina, Minnesota, and Iowa.

Tom Jensen, the director of Public Policy Polling initially began including Deez Nuts in his surveys as a lark, but changed his mind when he saw the results, Says Jensen, "I would say Mr. Nuts is the most ludicrous and unqualified third-party candidate you could have, but he’s still polling at 7, 8, 9 percent. Right now the voters don’t like either of the people leading in the two main parties, and that creates an appetite for a third-party candidate."

Deez Nuts has a campaign website, and a platform best described as "decently aware high school libertarian". But where Mr. Nuts truly has struck a chord is in his motivation. As he tells Rolling Stone in answer to the questions, "Is [this] some kind of statement on our two party political system? and Why did you decide to run for President?", "Half trying to break the two-party system, half frustration with the front-runners", and "Because I really didn't want to see Clinton, Bush, or Trump in the White House, so I guess I'm just trying to put up a fight."

Burn motherfucker, burn.