The Sequel Sucks Nearly as Much as the Original

Assistant U.S. Attorneys Daniel Butler and Steven Durham likely have little appreciation for irony this evening. In fact, it's fairly likely they're more than five fingers deep into a bottle of something strong after their gaffe in the perjury trial of Roger Clemens. Most reading this post already know that Judge Reggie Walton angrily declared a mistrial today after the prosecution violated his pre-trial instructions and allowed the jury to indirectly hear testimony from Andy Pettitte's wife, Laura. We don't spend much time in courtrooms, not since that unfortunate skinny-dipping/goat-tipping incident, but we suspect it's rare that a Federal judge denigrates an AUSA by calling his conduct less competent than that of a first-year law school student.

Were Butler and Durham in the mood to wax philosophical, though, they might draw some small amusement from the symmetry between today's result and that of Game 4 of the 1990 ALCS. Clemens had a lot on the line that October day, as well. He took the mound with the Red Sox trailing the Oakland A's, three games to none. He'd pitched effectively in Game 1, tossing six scoreless frames before the Sox' bullpen imploded, giving up nine runs in the final three innings. And just as the U.S. had a solid opening day in Judge Walton's courtroom, Clemens set the A's down in the bottom of the first inning of the fourth game, erasing a leadoff single by Rickey Henderson with a double play and retiring Jose Canseco on a meek grounder to second.

In both events, though, the second act proved pivotal. Clemens got Harold Baines to pop to third to lead off the second inning, but Carney Lansford and Terry Steinbach both singled, with Steinbach heading to second on a error by Mike Greenwell. The tightly-wound Clemens visibly chafed at the Greenwell error, but seemed to avoid real damage when Mark McGwire grounded to short, scoring Lansford. Willie Randolph worked a walk on five pitches (and in the movie, this is where the director employs a split screen showing the Government screening Clemens' Congressional testimony), bringing light-hitting Mike Gallego to the plate.

As an agitated Clemens received the ball from catcher Tony Pena, he began yelling at plate umpire Terry Cooney (playing the role of Reggie Walton in this bizarre shadow performance). Several of Crash Davis' magic words followed, leaving Cooney/Walton no choice but to eject Clemens/declare a mistrial. Gallego doubled off relief pitcher Tom Bolton, giving the A's a lead they wouldn't relinquish, as they swept the Sox for the second time in three ALCS matchups.

Durham and Butler certainly wouldn't appreciate this observation, either. At the time, Sox fans like me figured Clemens a bit gutless, folding under the pressure. In hindsight, it's possible that certain other factors might have caused the Texas Con Man to exhibit irrational, uncontrollable rage.

If only he'd lied about it to Congress.

This Week in Jurisprudence

The mad captains piloting this leaky vessel have our share of white whales. Or, in TJ's case, African-American whales. His obsession with O.J. Simpson is well chronicled. As is Mark's with all things Tennessee, and Dave's quest to destroy the world's taco supply.

I get the rare pleasure beginning tomorrow of watching the object of my irrational derision called to account for his sins. Sometime in the morning, somewhere in Washington, DC (both facts available to those willing to actually look for them), Roger Clemens will go on trial for perjuring himself in front of the U.S. Congress. And somewhere in Northern Virginia, I'll let out a little cackle of schadenfreude-inspired glee.

BOFOG:TB (give it a minute) T.J. Quinn offers a great recap of the details of the Clemens case today - in keeping with our why-do-the-work-when-someone-else-can philosophy, I commend his comprehensive preview to your attention. He'll be tracking the case as @TJQuinnESPN on Twitter. Mark Fainaru-Wada says you should follow Quinn's updates, and that's more than good enough for me.

I see very few losing scenarios for right-minded Americans in the Clemens case. Even if his acclaimed legal team succeeds in clearing the Texas Con Man, the trial promises to be embarrassing, with tales of clandestine injections, "misremembering", and assorted unsavory characters. Then, the inevitable film treatment (and Taiwanese animation) will follow, ensuring that Clemens will spend the better part of the next decade in a sort of dipshit purgatory.

Clemens' own attorneys kicked things off today in pre-trial proceedings, establishing that their client was "not a scholar of linguistics". That's a kind way to call someone a dumbass. We need to work on a new turn of phrase for dumbass. Thanks to the media and the U.S. Department of Justice, we'll have a few weeks to work on it.