A Travesty of Apostrophic Proportions

His name was J'Nathan Bullock.
His name was J'Nathan Bullock.

It seemed simple. Buried in the Transactions section of your local sports section on Monday, below the Favre news, the box scores, the day's Yonkers Raceway post times and some NCAA Football previews, was this brief news item:

TE J'Nathan Bullock was cut by the New York Jets on Sunday.

It is, after all, that time of the year. Each NFL team's Turks march through the training camp facilities to play Grim Reaper and cut short a dream for a prospect. "Coach wants to see you. Bring your playbook."

But this news is not all that it seems. Bullock's cut was not due to his inexperience, even though the four-year starter for Cleveland State's basketball team never played a game of college football. It wasn't due to the team's depth at the tight end position. And it wasn't due to his poor hands during drills at camp, even though he dropped every pass that wasn't chucked right into his bread-basket.

Sadly, this transaction was due to the most sinister of sectarian biases still lurking in the NFL. It's a practice not formally acknowledged, that resides in the shadows of ignorant men's minds. We are not talking about racism, anti-semitism, homosexuality or NFL rookie hazing. We are speaking about Anti-Apostrophe Bias.

As the 21st century evolves, progressive pundits in the media like to talk about the seemingly well-intentioned Rooney Rule, created by Dan Rooney, former owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, to promote minority hiring in the NFL. But what they don't mention was that Rooney, a long-time Freemason, was a noted hater of apostrophied first names. Pittsburgh's recent hiring of Mike Tomlin as head coach was merely an effort by the Rooney family to cloud that hatred under a thin veil of racial equality. But the intrepid investigative reporting team here at G:TB feels it is time to lift this skirt up and take a look at what's festering underneath.

In the days since the Rooney family cast a pall over the NFL's hiring decisions, some fine men with apostrophes have blazed trails of perseverance, sacrificing themselves for the future well-being of similarly named souls. The genesis of this movement can be traced back to the Indianapolis Colts' controversial drafting of O'Brien Alston in 1988. Not surprisingly, we saw how things played out. After a couple promising seasons, Alston fell off the NFL landscape, hampered by bad knees. What few people know is that Alston's knees were damaged when he was bludgeoned by baseball bats swung by teammates, including this noted Anti-Apostrophist, in a heinous Co'de Red assault during the 1990 training camp.

In subsequent years, brave souls such as Le'Shai Maston, Tre' Johnson, D'Marco Farr and 'Omar Ellison carried Alston's torch with mixed results. And the next generation continues that march. Men like Dre' Bly, Na'il Diggs, D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Donte' Stallworth show that those with apostrophes in their first name are neither feeble nor dangerous behind the wheel (except, well, Donte'), and can be productive members of the NFL society.

But the decision to cut Bullock smacks of a clear line in the sand to the current NFL players trying to brave the animosity and eke out a living. The Order of the Apostrophe ("OFTA"), an apostophe advocacy group created by D'Qwell Jackson, Tre' Stallings and J'Vonne Parker, was taken aback by the transaction.

"We thought we had come a long way, especially after the Giants' signing of Sha'reff Rashad, but to see this happen in a large, liberal city like New York reminds us that we have a lot of work to do to educate the masses," says the Redskins' D'Anthony Batiste, OFTA's Vice Chairman for Community Awareness.

Making the situation worse, anti-apostrophe bias seems to be proliferating. Just last week, the Bears' Will Ta'ufo'ou was granted provisional membership in OFTA after receiving death threats in the mail.

"The letters come from all over. People want me dead. Or they just want to ridicule me. Just last week, a man from Sheboygan wrote a letter to me and called me and my family a bunch of dumb dildos because we have two consonants, two apostrophes and five vowels in my last name. My kids shouldn't have to read things like that. They didn't ask for this," says Ta'ufo'ou.

So the uphill climb continues for the unfairly maligned gridiron warriors. Solid citizens like Seattle's Na'Shan Goddard, Denver's Andre' Goodman and Pittsburgh's Ra'Shon Harris will have to continue living in the shadows, watching over their shoulders, hoping the axe won't unfairly fall on their careers, thanks to the hatred fomented by Rooney, his beloved Freemasons or known apostrophe hater Jimmy Johnson. Role players like Sen'Derrick Marks at Tennessee, Le'Ron McClain of Baltimore and the Saints' D'Juan Woods will continue to see their playing time minimized in an effort to suppress their salaries.

As noted Apostrophic Equality crusader Jerry Glanville once said, the NFL stands for Not For Long. Not for long indeed when you have an apostrophe in your name.

His name was J'Nathan Bullock.