Friday, January 08, 2016

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Ten

On the tenth day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:

Ten (give or take) inches of girth

Nine internet moments of levity
Eight Tribey moments
Seven books for reading
6.9 Non Sequiturs
Six All-Star Nods
Five podcasts for listening
Four posts zman meant to write but never did
Three French Hens
Two in-state rivalries
And a dork with a split personality

Like many American marriages, the union of James Sicilia and Tia Loya ended in divorce in 1997. The two split the assets of their corporation, Superhawk Novelty Company. While divvying up their assets, Tia got one copy of each of the molds used to make their products and the advertising images used to sell them. When I hear "novelty company" I think of firms like Johnson Smith, premiere purveyors of whoopie cushions and x-ray glasses. Superhawk, however, peddled sex toys.

After the divorce, Tia started her own company (TSX Toys, whose website proudly touts "TSX Toys created the first realistic horse dildo in the US and the first whale penis toy in the world!") as did James (CA-WA Corp.). Both sell sex toys, natch. And if you've read any of my posts before, you can see where this is going. Tia eventually sued James for making knock-off versions of her sex toys ... I should say of her copyrighted sex toys.

In a nutshell (pun?), Tia asserted that James (and another company, 665 Inc., at James' request) reverse-engineered molds from her toys, after obliterating the copyright information from the toys. She also asserted trade dress infringement and a few other grievances. Here's the most preposterous, unexpected, inappropriate infringement chart I've ever seen, taken directly from the parties' joint statement of the case:

Two girth posts in a row? Yes!

How do these sex toys rise to the level of protected intellectual property? The real nub (pun!) of the issue is summarized thusly in the complaint:

20. The known products at issue in the action concern TSX’s penis extensions and penis girth expander products. TSX’s penis extensions are hollow sheaths that fit over the penis to add both girth and length. They vary in texture, from being smooth to ribbed and contoured. TSX’s penis girth expanders make the penis thicker, instead of longer, adding to the circumference of the penis, and are open at the end.

21. In particular, TSX penis extensions and girth expander products have a unique “scrotum strap,” which is a band that wraps around the scrotum. The “scrotum strap” also has TSX’s signature “square-like” tab at the base. TSX hired a well-known sculptor, Christopher Pardell, to design and create the original dildo mold with TSX’s unique “scrotum strap” and signature square tab. The signature square tab contains TSX’s copyright management information. Significant time and resources were expended by Plaintiff to develop and create this mold. This one-of-a-kind mold was
copyrighted by TSX over 14 years ago as a three-dimensional sculpture, Title: “Standing Tall,” Copyright Registration No. VA 1-062-363, Registration Date: October 6, 2000 (See Exhibit A). Plaintiff is the exclusive owner of this federal copyright registration.

Aha! It's all about the scrotum strap and its signature square tab! Unfamiliar? Here's an image.

And here's some information on the aforementioned sculptor Christopher Pardell. Neat!

The trial started earlier this week. The judge dismissed the trade dress and confusion of origin causes of action, and dismissed the entire case against 665. But the copyright issue soldiers on for the jury to consider and for the parties to brief. Which should be a hoot.

Anyway, if you've ever wondered why cases move so slowly and what's clogging the federal judicial system, now you know. Girth.


TR said...

Tia Carrera > Tia Loya

TR said...

One of my favorite girth-related lines of all-time was from Borat's TV show, during the speed-dating episode: "I am big. Like Can of Pepsi."

I don't know if I've ever laughed harder than I did at the old Borat stuff on HBO.

Marls said...

There has been enough sadness since the terrible events of 7-11.

TR said...

Lighten up, pissypants.

Marls said...

RIP Schnider.

Clarence said...

665?? Come on.

And yes, those things will clog up a system or two.

Danimal said...

aka Pat Harrington Jr. And I think it's "Schneider" Marls. Come on....and you call yourself a true fan.

Marls said...

Somehow Mackenzie Phillips outlived Pat and Bonnie Franklin. I would have lost money on that bet.

Clarence said...

Norman Lear outlived them both as well.

In 15 years, he produced:

All in the Family
Sanford and Son
Good Times
The Jeffersons
One Day at a Time
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
Diff'rent Strokes
The Facts of Life
Silver Spoons
Square Pegs
Who's the Boss

among others. Not bad.

TR said...

Fast-forward to the 50 second mark to get a good laugh...

Danimal said...

Impressive indeed.
This reminds me of a story that is somewhat post-worthy. Look for it in 2017.

T.J. said...

about the same time we finish this year's Gheorghemas

TR said...

We still haven't finished last year's Gheorgemas, Teej.

Danimal said...

I hope that guy wins. Something tells me if he wins just a few hundred he'll be doing the same thing, am I right? I'm guessing he's not married. Or employed.

TR said...

That guy is the best. I'm also guessing he's not Colin Kaepernick, but I'm not sure.

Clarence said...

Live TV - always a gamble. Love it. I hope that guy wins, too, IF and only if I don't win and you guys don't win.

If Clarence wins, there will be the commissioning of a full-length party bus called Gheorghe: The Mobile Summit. Coming to your town.

zman said...

TR is Schneider.

TR said...

Anybody else watching Starrcade 87 on their phones on a train right now? Just me?

Co-main events in a steel cage! Dusty Rhodes-Lex Luger! Ric Flair-Ronnie Garvin!

Yeah, I have the WWE network. I'll admit it.

rob said...

i bet reynolds is watching it, tr

Marls said...


zman said...

John Woo.

Mark said...

Attending a high school basketball game tonight to watch the kids we scrimmage each summer (currently undefeated and the best local HS team) take on the other best team (13-1) in the area. So, its a sure thing I'll be feeling really old in the near future.

Also, I set the o/u on Odell Beckham JR style haircuts amongst the participants at 3.5. Take the over.

TR said...

Jarred Sullinger and another Celtic are rocking that look already. It will filter down shortly. I expect to see Zman wear it when we hit a local charity dinner tmrw night.

Mark said...

Oh, it's already trickled down. Half the damn team had it this summer. Only 3 spotted on the court tonight though. Big win for Greg's alma mater though.

Whitney said...

ESPN FiveThirtyEight ran a bunch of math crap and says the Packers have a 3% chance of winning the Super Bowl. Washington 1%, only 3% to make the big game, the lowest among the field.

So you're telling me there's a chance.

rob said...

redskins should play powerball

Danimal said...

Hey G's
Game planning for our first flag football game tomorrow. Go ducks.

Mr Mixpo said...

Women Lie : Size DOES Matter

And if you've ever taken a girl home, gotten hot and heavy and then felt embarrassment and PANIC when you take off your pants and see the look of DISAPPOINTMENT on her face, you need to go check this out right now . . .

===> Don't Disapoint Her With Your Little Guy <=====

I'll tell you right now (and I've got proof), that anyone who tells you "size doesn't matter to women" is flat out lying to your face and trying to make you feel better . . .

Heck, just recently I asked a focus group of women via an anonymous online survey if size matters, and again and again they said "Oh my god, I HATE IT when it's SMALL."

For a long time I didn't know what to tell the guys who'd write in to me and ask how to get "bigger."

I'd say something lame like "Women actually like guys who are smaller . . . you just have to get good with your hands."

Then I found "THE BIBLE of Penis Enlargement" by this guy named John Collins . . .

===> They HATE It When It's Small <=====

What's crazy about this is that John has ACTUAL VIDEO PROOF that his stuff works . . .

He's got a literal mountain of testimonials from customers not just SAYING that they added 3 or even FOUR inches . . .

But actual VIDEOS that can't be faked.

I was 100% skeptical until I saw these vids, so even if you think it's "impossible" to get bigger (and there's no pills or suction devices or any of that crap) go check out the overwhelming proof on John's site.

===> Women Lie : Size DOES Matter <=====



P.S. There's absolutely nothing in the world that will make you smile as wide as pulling down your pants and seeing a look of AWE and ANTICIPATION on a woman's face. The first time you hear her say "It might be too big" in a soft, excited voice, you're going to feel a thrill through your spine like you just snorted 3 lines of cocaine.

If you aren't at least 7 inches you owe it to yourself (and to the women in your life) to check this out.

===> Proof Of REAL Growth <=====