We're bringing back a GTB Friday favorite today, a quick glance at the world of sports through the eyes of an 80's classic, Mel Brooks' Spaceballs (and to save Drew the effort of filling up the comments section, yes, this entire concept is stolen from Bill Simmons - my version is just much shorter and less funny)..."Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower...the kids love this one"...but apparently not as much as folks love Duke Lacrosse merchandise. They can't keep the stuff on the shelves down in Durham - sales are 3 to 4 times the norm (it should be noted the apparel simply says "Duke Lacrosse" on it, and the women's team is #1 in the country, so that could be why people are buying it...ah, never mind, no one's buying that for a second) Seriously, how long before we see a Duke Lacrosse jersey in a rap video? In other news, local sporting goods store Dick's Sporting Goods is living up to its name by pulling all Duke Lacrosse merchandise...Greg Garber probably told them that was the proper thing to do.
"Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!"...UCLA sophomore guard Jordan Farmar has declared for the NBA Draft, but has wisely not hired an agent in case it doesn't quite work out the way he
thought (he does have Yoghurt on speed dial for moral support). I saw some of Farmar this season, and unless I missed something, this seems like a bizarre move."I bet she gives great helmet"...I'm looking at you, Mrs. Jim Bowden...
"So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"...Actually, the Bowden family gets two this week, because there is no dumber GM out there, and yes, I'm including Allaird "Captain of the Titanic" Baird in Kansas City. No need for me to list Bowden's recent moves, espn.com did all the hard work for me. Is there any doubt this guy was loaded for the Brian Lawrence deal?
"Oh, my God. It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow"...I think that pretty much sums up Barry Bonds' season so far. And after mistakenly watching 30 seconds of that sycophant on that joke of a show of his, here's hoping it gets 10,000 times worse. And screw ESPN for airing that crap...I'd rather watch those lunatics on the paintball show.
"Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed"...Sloth Shelton would have been a perfect fit here, but I'd say we exhausted that topic the other day. You want ludicrous, how about Julio Franco hitting a HR last night at the ripe old age of 47. The Jack LaLanne of MLB is the oldest player to ever hit a HR, a record he is sure to break next year, and possibly in 2008 as well. As Mel Allen used to say, "How About That!"
"They've gone to plaid!"...I had a Rob Neyer joke in here somewhere, and the attempt was going to be some sort of Neyer-esque VORP or Win Shares breakdown (yikes, now it seems like I'm swiping from Whit too), but then I ate a huge turkey sandwich for lunch and threw in the towel. So, much like when you watch Sunday Night Baseball, you won't be getting any expert statistical analysis here.
"When will then be now? Soon"...The "then" in question is the Kansas City Poop being the worst team in the modern era of baseball. And it's coming alot sooner than you think...2-12 to start the year, 10 straight losses, and absolutely no end in sight. 46 runs scored on the year, 99 runs given up. Their opponents are hitting .305 on the year and slugging .508. This team is losing 120 games easy, and don't think for a second 130 losses is out of the question. GTB will be tracking two things all summer - the meteoric rise (and possible fall) of Sloth Shelton, and KC's Kwest for All-Time Ineptitude. Stay tuned.
"Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money"...A special tip of the cap to Allen Iverson and Chris Webber for showing up 5 minutes before tip-off the other night and not even sitting on the bench with their team, on what just happened to be fan appreciation night in Philly. This got very little press, because really, is anyone surprised by this type of behavior from pro athletes, especially these two? Still, maybe you should let the coach know ahead of time you planned to completely shirk your responsibilities. I have no love for Philadelphia or its fans, but it's still a dick move...
And finally, just for the hell of it...
"Man, we ain't found shit!"
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Keep up the good work Hardee's:
ST. LOUIS (AP) - As if the Hardee's family of Monster Thickburgers didn't offer enough meat, the company's latest version adds steak meat on top of an already large slab of beef.
The meat-on-meat Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, launched Tuesday, features one-third of a pound of Angus beef, along with both Swiss and American cheeses, green peppers and onions. And piled atop all of that is thinly sliced steak meat.
"We actually found in this case, the only way to make a burger taste like a cheesesteak was to literally put the steak on it," said Brad Haley, executive vice president of marketing for the St. Louis-based chain.
Oh my...
http://whatisstoops.ytmnd.com/
Charlie Weis, keep up the good work:
SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Jimmy Clausen, the most acclaimed California prep quarterback since John Elway, will verbally commit to Notre Dame on Saturday, ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz said.
Did you know the Clausen kid will be 20 when he enrolls at ND in the Spring? Kind of makes his prep career seem a little less impressive, no? And whatever happened to high school age limits for sport participation. First Hansbrough, then this douche?
Just for the record, I'm glad he chose ND over UT. Basically picking the school I have the most irrational hatred for over the school for which I have the most pure hatred. Don't worry, there's plenty of hate to go around.
It was nice of someone in the Notre Dame AD's office to throw Holtz that nugget...
On my way down to Grensboro, I stopped at a Hardees ouside of Petersburg, VA for a diet coke and a much needed piss. They had a huge banner out front touting this sandwich, and holy fiddlesticks if it doesn't look disgusting--a huge burnt quarter pound patty with melted american and a pile of overly rare "steak" like product with Swiss melted on it. Gross.
I'm sure by "gross" you mean unbelievably tempting and ultimately impossibel to resist. You stopped at that same Hardee's on your way back didn't you?
Oh those Bojangles biscuits. I honestly passed at least a dozen Bojangles on I-85...and did the annoying girl voice every time...
Bo Berry Biscuits...so good.
TJ, you forgot to mention the debacle that is your AL-only fantasy team. atrocious.
AL-only, NL-only...it doesn't matter. I am piecing together one of the worst fantasy baseball seasons the interweb has ever seen. At least Carlos Silva is real good...
Guys, how's my NL Team doing? Once again, I am really taking an active role.
You're in first, cockface.
Let the fun begin...
The three-way trade rumor has come out of New York. It goes like this: The Saints and Jets would swap positions, allowing New Orleans to select Mario Williams at No. 4. The Jets would then trade the No. 2 pick to the Raiders in exchange for the seventh selection, wide receiver Jerry Porter and additional picks, likely future choices. That move would allow the Raiders to pick either Matt Leinart or Vince Young. Meanwhile, the Jets would draft offensive lineman D'Brickashaw Ferguson at No. 7, if the Packers haven't grabbed him at No. 5, then trade Ferguson's rights to the Saints.
so the Jets get Jerry Porter and picks? eh.
in an unrelated note, i've got 7 days left here at the salt factory before heading to greener pastures. teejay, your output lately is not keeping pace with my need for entertainment. please rectify this.
that trade, btw, is a complete no-brainer for new orleans. williams and ferguson for moving down 2 slots and a few other picks? too lopsided to happen.
I'm sorry chief, I'm off to the Windy City in a few. You won't see nonsense from me until Monday...I'm sure the Red Sox can keep you entertained for a few days.
pleasepleaseplease go look at this. warning, it may cause you to shoot your drink out of your nose, so swallow your soda before viewing.
http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/random-youtube-finding-of-the-week-169722.php
Your my boy D'Brickashaw...
My two favorite names in the draft: Frostee Rucker and Montavious Stanley. I mean, seriously, Montavious?
Gheorghe hasn't been this flat-footed since that mishap while filming My Giant.
Agreed...this recent search made me laugh though:
"wade boggs facts about drinking beer"
TJ,
Are you going to weigh in ont he still simmering feud between your boy Gheorghe and Peter John Ramos? I'd like to request a full breakdown.
One of the most bizarre feuds I have ever seen...
Absolutely. I'd like to see Vince McMahon jump on this thing.
It might be more of a Jeff Jarrett, TNA-type event...
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