Fair and Balanced

We've written a lot of words over the past 18 months about Donald Trump, nearly all of them derogatory. And since he's going to be President soon, or at least pretend to be, we figured it was time to follow Thumper's Mom's advice.



It was a challenge, frankly. So much so that we had to contract it out to a FOG:TB. Our newest guest contributor hails from Pittsburgh by way of Central Jersey, and answers to the name Brother of Fat Guy in a Speedo (two or three of you will know who he is by that description - to the rest, he'll remain anonymous). He's got a lot to say about one of Trump's greatest qualities, and something Mike Tomlin knows something about:

Alright, let’s just swear in this asshole already…

Donald J. Trump is one of the most perfect assholes in the history of mankind.  Please don’t stop reading if you love DJT, or jump to any conclusions yet – just hear me out.  I am using the term “asshole” to categorize a specific behavior type.   The term “asshole” is and always should be bipartisan, it should not be relegated to a particular political party, race, group or nationality – it is a specific term to describe a specific behavior in a specific type of person.  I thought Hilary was a great asshole too, but her issue – she tried to hide and suppress her asshole-ness, and as a result she came across as just an uninspiring, bad actress.

Since the primaries I’ve been struggling daily to rationalize and understand the appeal of DJT to any human on the planet (other than his children, who were born into his Trumpian alternate reality, like the hidden tribespeople of Papau New Guinea).   I’ve been trying to categorize than man the world has deemed as “uncategorizable” and I think I’ve found a way to do it.

From my observations and readings, he was an asshole as a husband, he was an asshole to his partners and people who worked for him, an asshole at parties, he was an asshole on his TV show (you’re fired! Is such an asshole thing to be known for); he was le royal asshole to a few farmers in Scotland over a golf course.  He was an asshole to Obama over the birther movement, he was an asshole to Jeb, Marco, Kasich and Ted during the primaries, and he was an asshole to Hilary during the campaign.  He was an asshole to a Gold Star family.  He acts like an asshole around other men because he does not know how to be a “guy” “dude” or “fella”.  He is an asshole many times a day on Twitter and he is an asshole to the media.  He simply does not know how to - not be an asshole.



Again, this is not a political diatribe or an “I Hate Trump” commentary; it is merely an observation of the human behavior DJ Trump has perfected and 100% personifies day in, day out.  Beyond DJT, I would argue that this specific behavior is a necessary tool at times to achieve certain outcomes in certain situations.  Sometimes before I walk into a client meeting, I coach myself that I have to be an “asshole” in the conference room in order to get the right deal done for my company.  Or I might be an asshole to the people who work for me to make a certain point.  It’s actually kind of easy and somewhat of a lazy way to behave; it’s obviously better to properly articulate specific truths and confront people in an honest and constructive way.

Being a total asshole can get shit done too.

But when I truly came to understand that Donald Trump is one of the greatest assholes of all time it kind of all makes sense to me.  So the burning question - Why did he win the election?  Most of the U.S. population abhors Washington D.C., they think it’s full of assholes.  So how do we combat that?

We elect our own asshole, the people’s asshole, and send him down there to speak asshole, behave asshole, and antagonize the hell out of every participant in the big asshole show.  (Editor's Note: Jon Stewart predicted exactly that in one of his final shows.) Most of the globe thinks Americans are assholes, so guess what, we now have the world’s greatest asshole as the face of our nation.  We actually have the best asshole in the world – is that not most American?  To have the absolute best in every category we can measure?

So you don’t like assholes or care for that behavior?  Too bad, we have unleashed the asshole and now we have to deal with it.  At this point in time I don’t think we need major league assholes any more, thought they were quite effective throughout human history – Kaiser Wilhelm II comes to mind.  The sooner you deal with the fact that we just happen to have a big time asshole as the president of the U.S., the easier the next four years will go down for you.