Friday, April 06, 2012

Ohio Players

I spent 20 hours in Columbus Ohio and I'm delighted to report that it's beautiful. Blame my northeastern liberal elitist bias, but I expected a lot more grit and blight. The place is almost spotless.

All I know about Ohio is this:



And this:



And this:



But what I found was this:



And this:



And this:



Everyone in Columbus is friendly and wears a shirt that says "Ohio State" or "Cleveland Indians" on it. Restaurant prices are pretty fair and everyone seems to be commited to fitness even if their waistlines don't show it. Really, look:



Columbus is full of beautiful architecture, both old and new. Look at the juxtaposition of the art deco building behind the tower of black glass!



And the beautiful skyline!



And the historical information!



And the beautiful sculpture garden celebrating Ohio's public primary schools!



And the empty pack of Dorals and the used tube of Vagisil thrown into the flowers around the beautiful sculpture garden celebrating Ohio's public primary schools!



I bet you're probably saying to yourself "Who smokes Dorals?!?"

This isn't how I intended my photo essay to end. I honestly was struck by the beauty and cleanliness of Columbus and decided to take a bunch of pictures as I strolled to pass the time, arranging the photos with short one-liners exactly as set out above. In fact, the place is so beautiful and clean that the used Vagisil tube stuck out like a sore ... thumb, that's why I noticed it. And that's when I decided to stop taking pictures. Otherwise I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the city.

That said ... who uses Vagisil in public, in a sculpture garden, and throws the tube into the landscaping?! While smoking 20 cigarettes!? I've seen lots of disgusting stuff in New York and Boston -- syringes, dead rats, live rats, used condoms, gangrenous homeless people, vomit, people passed out in vomit, people vomitting, Don King, stalactites of snotty mold driping from subway ceilings, fat girls in spandex, my own reflection in the mirror as I get out of the shower -- but nothing that made my stomach flop like this discarded Vagisil tube. Only in Ohio, I guess.

36 comments:

zman said...

Also seen in Columbus: a Prius with a Mitt Romney sticker.

Marls said...

You were in Ohio. The vagisil and smokes were just Harris getting ready Indians opening day.

Igor said...

Touché, Marls.

Geoff said...

I lived in Columbus for two summers in college. It sucks.

rob said...

did you see a gaggle of preposterously tall blond children and a dark-haired lady updating a facebook status to tell us how lazy her husband is?

rob said...

bobby petrino, boys and girls. huevos grande. cerebro pequeno.

zman said...

Geoff, was that your discarded Vagisil?

Danimal said...

good one rob.

Igor said...

Simmons has a strong article on the Gregg Williams debacle -- and the knee-jerk hue and cry -- that mirrors my own sentiments.

rob said...

agreed. i keep thinking, "well, duh, of course they talk that way. it's football." the saints' real problem is that they basically thumbed their noses at the league when they were told to stop and that goodell was looking to make an example of someone.

zman said...

Everyone ever injured by a Gregg Williams defense now has a tort claim that passes the laugh test. Maybe a criminal claim too. In my humble opinion. We have documented evidence that Williams had a business practice of injuring people on purpose. Can't do that in this part of the world.

Geoff said...

Z, I will have you know that after using my vagisil each day I discard it in a proper receptacle...and preferably one not in the Midwest.

Igor said...

SportsGuy doesn't target any specific ESPN writers/anchors, even as he mentions his own network by name, but here's one he could.

Level-headed approaches are few and far between these days, especially at ESPN, but as this author -- amid usages of words like "disgusted," "wrong," "nauseating," "suspended permanently," and "forever" -- began singling out Williams' idiotic quips, she lost her momentum. When she lists ones like: "We need to decide how many times we can bull rush and we can f------ put Vernon Davis' ankles over the pile." Meaning tackle him hard, put him on his back. Disgusting. Nauseating.

One of our JV football coaches always used to tell us to "knock his dick in the dirt." Meaning tackle him hard, put him on his back. We were 15 years old and we knew that was just an expression. But I'm grateful technology and the desire for secretly recording people wasn't what it is today, or we'd have aghast journalists like her explaining what infections could have come with dirtying someone's dick, and how old Coach Colonna had no place in football.

Williams is a jackelope and his suspension is fine, but please let's tone down the melodrama. Ask Randall Floyd -- football coaches are generally assholes who say and do just about anything to instill some motivation and fire into the bellies of players who just don't give that much of a shit.

"Randy Floyd, before next fall you're in need of a serious attitude adjustment young man. You better get your priorities straight, and watch out with that other crowd your running with. Don't think I haven't noticed!"

"I may play ball next fall, but I will never sign that. Now me and my loser friends are gonna head out to buy Aerosmith tickets. Top priority of the summer."

Mark said...

Zman: Should've gone with "OHIO" for the Ohio Players. Not as well known as 'Love Rollercoaster' but far more funky. Great song.

Speaking of great songs, I implore everyone here to find the first single of Kanye's GOOD Music compilation ('Mercy') online and give it a listen. It. Is. Awesome.

And to Geoff's point, I lived in Cleveland one summer in college. It too sucks. Actually, all of Ohio sucks.

mayhugh said...

I still know only about 10% of the GREGGGGG bounties, but I agree that there are expressions in football that are taken in context by players. I'm sure it's the same in other sports, though perhaps a bit different in tone or vernacular.

While I do not know what was paid for each type of play, a couple/few hundred dollars for a big hit seems analogous to a helmet sticker for a big hit in college or high school: Yeah, they'd be nice to have, but we're not going to change our behavior to get one.

The only thing I really take issue with is the thing about Crabtree. Everything else seemed to be metaphorical, as I wrote yesterday. "Kill the head the body dies" and related talk clearly does not mean he was instructing them to kill Frank Gore or hit him in the head repeatedly.

rob said...

another banner twitter day for me: i became tony shaver's third follower, and gary vaynerchuk is sending me free cheese.

Dave said...

i now know all i need to know about columbus, ohio . . . and i didn't use wikipedia-- i used G:tb!

Mark said...

After listening to 'Mercy' about a dozen more times today. I'm convinced that I love it as much as most hip-hop fans loved 'Otis', which I didn't really love.

rob said...

mercy has a great beat, but the lyrics and the rapping are meh. in my learned rapinion.

Mark said...

I agree somewhat. I like the dancehall style refrain.

I'm not in love with many of the rap lyrics. But I didn't expect a whole lot from the assembled cast on that track. 2Chainz, Pusha T, Kanye & Big Sean are never going to compete for Lyricist of the Year. The beat though, it's a banger. I love it. Love the breakdown for Kanye's verse too. Very reminiscent of the scene in Scarface when Tony shoots & kills Manny.

And while I don't love most of the rap lyrics, the line "White girls politickin/That's that Sarah Palin" always makes me chuckle.

zman said...

Speaking of lyrics:

http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/news/id.19286/title.mos-def-addresses-trayvon-martin-murder-records-tribute-track-with-dead-prez/

Mark said...

Based on multiple incidents. Mos Def = shitty tipper.

TR said...

Chris Hitchens eviscerated Mos Def several years ago on Bill Maher's show. He was polite to him while crushing his uneducated views, calling him "Mr. Definitely". Highly amusing.

Mark said...

I just discovered that you can customize your shoes on the Vans website. There's a 100% chance I'll be drunkenly creating and ordering Vans in the very near future. I have a problem.

Squeaky said...

Where is the Masters coverage. I'm rely on you all for updates while I'm stuck doing family stuff away from the TV.

T.J. said...

Live Online Coverage At Masters.com

11:45 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Amen Corner live video coverage

12:30 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.
Featured Group 1 live video coverage
Featured Group 2 live video coverage

12:30 p.m. - 6:30 p.m.
Holes No. 15, No. 16 live video coverage

TV Broadcast Coverage

2:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.
Live Coverage on CBS

mayhugh said...

No way Phil wins this thing wearing a zipper shirt, right?

Shlara said...

I was at Easter brunch and missed Adam scott's ace today!

rob said...

made a huge tactical error driving home today, skipping a rest stop thinking i could make it home without stopping to take a leak. near disaster and a 74-second piss.

also, kooooooch!

mayhugh said...

I'm liking Phil to sneak in here with bubba left on 16 and oost way out on the right.

mayhugh said...

Make that 17. Damn chubby fingers.

mayhugh said...

That second shot on 10 from 60 feet in the woods was amazing. And he's wearing ythis victory on his sleeve. Go bubba. You're now my favorite.

rob said...

quite a bit dusty in my house. my wife needs to get on that.

Shlara said...

Oh , I totally cried. Love Bubba, not as much as Adam, but he's a cool dude. So happy for him.

Danimal said...

that shot - unreal.

Danimal said...

bubba's going to drive the General Lee into ANGC in '13...TIGHT!