Robocop (Officer Alex Murphy), aka Matt Hasselbeck
Yeah, I’m going with Hasselbeck over Big Ben, because I truly believe the Seahawks are going to win this game, so he gets to be the hero (and initially the victim of much violence by a fired up Steelers defense). It also doesn’t hurt that both guys are bald, dry in the humor department and extremely good at what they do – the oft-dismissed Hasselbeck was the 4th highest-rated passer in the league (1st in the NFC) and also threw for the 4th most TDs. The toughest part for Hasselbeck will be the new play-calling directives given to him by the coaching staff:
1. Serve the Public Trust
2. Protect the Innocent
3. Uphold the Law
Once he adjusts, watch out Old Detroit…and when the wreckage is clear, you can bet your ass we’ll see Matty on “The View”.
Dick Jones, aka Jerome Bettis
Second in command at OCP, slimy corporate executive Dick Jones is the creator of the ED-209, a precursor and competitive product to Robocop. Unfortunately for Dick, his product is a tad bit faulty. Jones’ employer, OCP, is an unethical corporate giant who also just happens to own the police force (not unlike a certain RB who seems to own the media these days). I know, I know, Dick Jones is a big, smug prick and Jerome Bettis is the loveable, feel good story of the Super Bowl. You know what, blame the media, because I officially hate Jerome Bettis. The last straw was Bettis getting the key to the city the other day. I get it, he’s from Detroit, he’s a hometown hero, but do we all really care this much (and yes, Saddam also got a key to Detroit). I don’t want to hate Jerome this much, but whaddya gonna do…someone has to flourish in the role of Dick Jones. Sayeth Dick, “You know what the tragedy here is Jerome? We could have been friends.”
Clarence Boddicker, aka Bill Cowher
Long before he was the curmudgeonly father on “That 70s Show”, Kurtwood Smith excelled in Robocop as an intelligent and completely insane bad guy. Yet there were definitely times in the movie where you thought, “Hey, he isn’t so bad”. Much like Boddicker and Jones, Cowher and Bettis are forever linked, through the good, and the inevitable bad that will take place Sunday (they also need to be linked for the sake of this contrived post). Cowher looks the role of movie villain, and to top it off, he may or may not have wanted to fire the bus company that took the Steelers from the airport to the hotel Monday, though the team denies it (not quite the same as blowing a man’s hand off, but work with me people). I’m buying that rumor for a dollar.
Bob Morton, aka Ken Whisenhunt
Bob Morton was the man with the (alternative) plan - Robocop was his idea, and he had no qualms fucking over Dick Jones in the process (which in retrospect was a very bad idea – if only he had listened to his Greg Gumbel-esque colleague). Whisenhunt, like Bob Morton, is the shifty idea guy – just look at Ken try to get three QBs on the field at one time. Well, sorry Kenny, but I say the two weeks of prep for the Seattle defense means you and your gadget plays are going down just like Bob. Too bad you won't have his coke and strippers to dull the pain.
ED-209, aka Joey Porter
I mean, is there any other choice? When I think methodical, emotionless killer, I immediately think Joey Porter. Just think what would have happened if Joey malfunctioned during media day. Jerramy Stevens would have ceased to exist. Joey Porter’s so crazy he thinks Moviefone is talking shit to him. Tell me he wouldn’t have done the same damage in the boardroom as ED-209…"Please put down the football…you have 20 seconds to comply”...just ask Peyton Manning. Win or lose, Porter-209 will be leaving carnage on the field Sunday night.
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13 comments:
This made me laugh:
"New Zealand filmmaker Lee Tamahori, who directed the James Bond movie "Die Another Day," has been arrested in a Hollywood prostitution sting while dressed in drag.
Tamahori, 55, was arrested on January 8 when he allegedly sought sex with an undercover policeman while clad in women's clothes, according to a criminal complaint filed in the Los Angeles Superior Court."
Robocop may actually be the best thing about Detroit. So I hear -- I've never actually been, but I believe our little buddy Rob has. I met a woman in a bar in San Francisco a number of years ago, and when I asked her where she was from, she replied, "The worst city in America." After a few instinctive guesses (Philadelphia, Dallas, Hartford), she responded with the obvious: Detroit.
And Cubby Broccoli rolls over in his grave.
Hartford really misses the Whalers.
By the way, the amount of Robocop websites out there on the interweb is staggering...
Detroit is the worst place I've ever been, and I've spent time in Cortland, NY and Cullowhee, NC.
The best thing about Dtroit is the southbound drive into Windsor, Canada.
"Joey Porter's so crazy he thinks Moivefone is talking shit to him." Man, I was doubled over on that one.
Apparently it's spelled Detroit...who knew?
Speeling is overated.
Further proof that Matt Hasselbeck is indeed Robocop:
Matt Hasselbeck has apparently been hit by lightning. Twice.
(info courtesy of Turf Toe and Deadspin)
Someone shut SportGuy up:
9:50 -- Big Ben scrambles for a backbreaking first down on a QB keeper that looked so disheveled, Madden openly wonders whether it was a busted play. I'm officially in "the Patriots would have killed either of these teams" mode. Damn it all.
do you think peter king has a hard time doing his job with hines ward's balls in his mouth?
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/peter_king/02/06/mmqb.super.bowl/index.html?cnn=yes
And boy, did Madden & Michaels shy away from even mentioning Ward's early drop of a sure touchdown pass. Jerramy Stevens was trashed (rightfully so), but Ward came out unscathed on that play.
The referees put a fitting finish onto yet another shite season. Not bad enough to cause national uproar, just bad enough to stick in the craw of the losing team and its fans while annoying football fans who would think it could be done better.
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