[Editor's Note: This is a long one. Lotta words. Maybe print it out and take it to the crapper with you. And enjoy!]
If you're into sporting drama, the next fortnight is your cup of Earl Grey, even if you just focus your attention on what's going down in English soccer (with a brief German fling). Starting Thursday with Manchester United's Champions-League clinching win over an abysmal Chelsea, no fewer than 12 matches in England, two in Germany, and one in...Istanbul (?) will have either title, promotion, or relegation implications.
Let's get the gnarly stuff out of the way. Heading into the final matchday of the season, three Premier League teams are in full on crabs in a bucket mode, grasping at each others' ankles in an attempt to pull each other back down. Only one of the three (Everton, Leicester, and Leeds United) will survive, the other two becoming among the larger clubs in history to be relegated. Everton, who needed a final-day win last season to stay up, is in 17th place on 33 points, two more than both Leicester and Leeds - the Liverpool club has the current longest streak of seasons in the top division, with 70. The Toffees host already-safe Bournemouth on Sunday, needing a win to guarantee safety. Leicester have the best goal differential among the three sides, and Whitney's team will stay up if they win at home against West Ham and Everton loses or draws. Leeds has the longest odds, needing to beat Tottenham at home and losses by both other combatants. Squeaky bum time, indeed.
Turning to much more fun, if perhaps not more consequential stakes, let's go in chronological order. Each of the major Continental leagues has already crowned a champion (Manchester City, Napoli, PSG, and Barcelona) save Germany. Bayern Munich have won 10 consecutive Bundesliga titles (which, honestly, is one of the reasons the German first division isn't as popular as it might be), but their 3-1 loss at home against RB Leipzig last weekend opened the door for Borussia Dortmund to claim this year's championship. Dortmund lead Munich by two points headed into this weekend's final matchday, and host 9th-place Mainz needing a win or Dortmund loss or draw to clinch the title. Munich travel to Cologne to play the 10th-place side having to win and get help to keep their streak alive. Though they wear the colors of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Dortmund have historically operated more like the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox, so there will be some nervous folks on the pitch and in the stands at Signal Iduna Park today. If you have a heart and aren't a front-running dickhead, you'll be rooting for Dortmund.
Later this afternoon, Luton Town and Coventry meet at Wembley in the English League Championship Promotion Play-offs Final. The winner is promoted to the Premier League. The loser, a gutpunch and a return to the Championship grind for another season. We're pulling for Luton Town because, a) the Hatters have never played in the Premier League, having been relegated from the First Division in 1992, the last season before the advent of the current setup, b) because USMNT third-string goalkeeper Ethan Horvath is their starter, and c) because they have a Zimbabwean midfielder called Marvelous Nakamba in their starting lineup. Much has been made of the fact that Luton Town will have to spend £12.5m to make their quaint little ground comply with Premier League standards. As the photo below shows, away fans today have to enter Kenilworth Road through a pair of row houses. Brilliant, that.
Sunday afternoon, while we Yanks are tucking into our Memorial Day beers and brats, Carlisle and Stockport tangle at Wembley in the League Two Play-off Championship for the right to play in League One next season. Loser gets to play Wrexham twice in League Two in 2023-24, so there's some consolation there. Then, on Memorial Day, Sheffield Wednesday hopes to complete their storybook playoff run when they face Barnsley. Wednesday were left for dead after the first leg of their playoff semifinals when Peterborough whacked them, 4-0. Darren Moore's boys got up off the canvas and stunned Peterborough, 5-1, in the return fixture and won the match and the tie in penalties to advance to the final. Shit was capital B Bonkers:
Moore is one of the very few Black managers in English (European, really) soccer, and he's dealt with the predictable shit one might expect with more grace and dignity than he should have to display. We're rooting for John Harkes' former Wednesday side to come up to the Championship.
Couple amuses bouche in the midst of all of these big events, as Sevilla take on Roma in Budapest on May 31 in the Europa League final and West Ham and Fiorentina square off in Prague on June 7 in the Europa Conference League final. Hey, a trophy is a trophy. Noteworthy, too, that Italian clubs are competing in all three EUFA club finals.
We get a few days to rest after a frenetic weekend before the big boys take the stage. On June 3, Premier League champions Manchester City take on their cross-town rival Manchester United in the FA Cup Final at Wembley. Pep Guardiola's Blues are considerable favorites, but weird things happen in derby matches, and City may well be focused on an even bigger prize.
And just one week later, they get a chance to take it. Manchester City take on surprising Inter Milan in Istanbul in the Champions League Final. City absolutely wrecked Real Madrid in the second leg of the semifinals, winning 4-0 on the day and 5-1 in the aggregate. Milan was impressive against their rivals AC Milan, winning 3-0 over two legs. As in the FA Cup, the imperious Manchester City are big favorites (-240 or so), but lots of weird shit happens in knockout soccer. It is no secret that the Champions League trophy is the only piece missing from Pep's run at City, and the club have never won the ultimate European prize. Pep's outsmarted himself before in big games (see the 2021 Champions League final loss to Chelsea for a recent example), and Inter's gonna play with nothing to lose. I think City will win (and I've got $50 on the Blues to win the Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League treble), but it wouldn't stun me if Inter pulls off the upset.
Trigger warning: you may well get whip-sawed by the changes in content theme, tone, and quality in this space over the next several months. Of course, one might argue that you've been in that position lo these 4,901 posts. In any case, on with the whimsy.
I really dig design. Z, Mark, and I regularly trade texts about kicks, and I get frequent messages from Z about cars that look cool. I'm also a big fan of soccer and its culture. Blending those two interests has become a bit of a problem for me.
It started with the Seattle Sounders. I was watching the U.S. Men's National Team play a match at CenturyLink (now Lumen) Field in Seattle, and the packed house of 68,000 or so made such an infernally awesome noise that I was inspired to buy some Sounders merch. The multi-beer buzz I had going didn't hurt, at least in terms of my lack of spending inhibitions. And from that modest t-shirt, things might've gotten out of hand.
The picture below depicts some, but not all, of my soccer fashion. Notably absent, the initial Seattle Sounders t-shirt (which I know I still have but can't find), an FC Pinzgau Saalfelden shirt (ditto), a Marcus Rashford England jersey (ditto on that ditto), a Fulham kit from 2016-17 (ditttooooooo), literally dozens of pieces of Loudoun Soccer gear from my coaching and Board of Directors volunteering, and a handful of Tuscarora High School soccer stuff. Not to mention the Senegal World Cup jersey with Sadio Mane's #10 on the back that I ordered earlier in the week.
Some of these have a story. Others I just kinda thought looked cool. Here's the key:
Top row, left to right: Club Tijuana Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente, Liga MX (this one's the Dia de los Muertos version from a few years ago - thought it was a badass design), Atlanta United, MLS (bought this one because I loved the way the team played attacking, fun soccer in 2018 when they won MLS Cup), Netherlands, World Cup 2014 (purchased in Schipol Airport on a layover while headed back to the U.S. from Switzerland), France, World Cup 2018 (N'Golo Kante is my favorite player, and he's with Chelsea. I dislike Chelsea, so I got a France jersey).
Second row: USA, World Cup 2014 (Won this in a charity auction. It's a crap kit, if I'm being honest.), Sporting Kansas City, MLS (My brother-in-law used to work for Ivy Funds, SKC's kit sponsor for a time. He got me this for Christmas. Always liked him.), Ajax Amsterdam, Eredivisie (Ajax have a long-standing affinity for Bob Marley, and this alternate kit from last year honors that relationship. On the back, just under the collar, there are three little birds. Dope.), D.C. United, MLS (Last year, the league did Pride warm-up tops for all its teams. I got the local one.)
Third row: Minnesota Aurora, USL W League (The second-division Aurora won their league title this season. The logo is phenomenal.), FC Pinzgau Saalfelden, Austrian Regionalliga Salzburg (Humblebrag, I know, but I'm an owner of this club.), Costa Rica, World Cup 2018 (The U.S. didn't qualify for the 2018 Cup, so I chose the Ticos as my side. Didn't go all that well.), Minnesota United, MLS (Best logo in American sports.)
Fourth row: Angel City FC, NWSL (Might be even better than Minnesota United's badge), FC St. Pauli, 2. Bundesliga (My wife was in Germany for New Year's Eve several years ago. She got me this one.), USA, World Cup 1950. (Throwback, and it looks cool.), Atletico Madrid, La Liga (Another airport purchase, this one in Madrid on the way home after celebrating my 20th Anniversary in Spain.)
Fifth row: Nigeria national team warm-up shorts and 2021 jersey. (Bought the shorts because they look cool, and I had a few beers in me. Was given the shirt as a gift by my Nigerian-Canadian colleague. I wish it fit me better.)
Joy and pain, those paired gut-level responses, were on full display over 90-plus minutes yesterday at fabled Wembley Stadium in London.
Oxford United and Wycombe Wanderers played in the English Football League (EFL) League One playoff final, hoping to join auto-promoted Coventry City and Rotherham United in the English League Championship, the second tier of professional football in the UK.
Despite being on the wrong side of the possession statistics and chasing the game for the better part of
the 90, Wycombe rode left back and captain Joe Jacobson's 79th-minute penalty conversion to a 2-1 win and promotion to the Championship. Despite having been in continuous existence since the club's founding in 1887, Wycombe has never before risen this high in the EFL professional pyramid.
And that's barely half the story. Wycombe's got character, for sure, but they've got characters, as well. Manager Gareth Ainsworth looks for all the world like an aging rocker. Because he is. Ainsworth is the frontman for The Cold Blooded Hearts, and rescheduled several practices this season in order to make room in his schedule for gigs. On the sideline at Wembley yesterday, he sported a monochromatic jeans/shirt combo, unbuttoned insouciantly, over a pair of deep red boots covered in some kind of exotic animal skin. You'll dig this cover from the Hearts, recorded in 2016:
While Ainsworth cuts a unique figure in the modern professional coaching ranks, he barely ranks as Wycombe's most interesting cat. 38 year-old striker Adebayo Akinfenwa is known as the strongest footballer in the world. The veteran can play - he's scored 226 goals over 717 appearances in all competitions, toiling mostly at the lower levels of the English game. In that respect, he's a little like Crash Davis. Physically, though, he's nothing of the sort. Akinfenwa carries roughly 300 pounds on his 6'1" frame. He bears a resemblance - facially and physically - to former Viking John Randle. And he's still effective, scoring 10 goals in 36 games this season. He enjoyed the win:
Must-Watch Bolt of Joy: Adebayo Akinfenwa 38-year old cult hero wins promotion to the Championship (tier below Premier League) with miracle minnows Wycombe. Akinfenwa has been rejected and derided throughout his career. His words tonight will give you Life pic.twitter.com/OZ2xgEhlnA
At the final whistle, players from both teams fell to the ground, Wycombe in joyous relief and Oxford in gutted despair. In such moments we find humanity in its flawed, grasping range. That's gonna have to carry us through for a while, it seems.
If you like the world's game, it's an embarrassment of riches for you over the next month or so. And in two particular cases, just embarrassment, FIFA-style.
For starters, the Women's World Cup kicked off yesterday with hosts France thoroughly
dominating South Korea on the way to a comprehensive 4-0 win. Les Bleues are one of the title favorites, with seven players from Champions League winners Olympique Lyonnais on its roster. The U.S. Women's National Team, who are defending their 2015 title, are the other side widely acknowledged as likely to win. Should both teams win their groups, an overwhelming probability, and win their Round of 16 matches, they'd meet in the quarterfinals. Shrewd move, that, on the part of the brain trust at FIFA.
Trying not to be a homer here, and recognizing that the overall quality of the women's game continues to improve by leaps and bounds, I still think it's Jill Ellis' Americans' title to lose. Australia is really good, as are Germany, Brazil, England, Japan, and the hosts. But our ladies are tested, tough, and talented. Pay attention to the final game of the USA's group run, when we play Sweden. Both teams will likely have clinched advancement in a weak group (with Chile and Thailand). The winner of the group will get France in the quarterfinals, while the loser would get a marginally easier route.
The CONCACAF Gold Cup, our regional competition, starts in earnest a week from today. Gregg Berhalter's team dropped a desultory match on Thursday in D.C., losing 1-0 to Jamaica, though they were without their full complement of players. The USMNT plays against Guyana on the 18th before a revenge match against Trinidad and Tobago on June 22. At the very least, Team America should get to the semifinals of this tournament. The very, very least.
Later today, the US Men's Under-20 team take on Ecuador in the quarterfinals of the U20 World Cup in Poland. The young Americans (young Americans, she wants the young Americans...aaaaalllllll right) came back from a 2-1 deficit against tournament favorites France in the first round of the knockout stage. (Foreshadowing?!?) This is the third consecutive U20 World Cup that's seen Tab Ramos' side make the final eight. Third time's a charm, hope the red, white, and blue.
CONMEBOL, the South American federation, hosts its irregularly timed Copa America this month, as well. The tournament starts next Friday in Brazil. The hosts just lost erratic (and annoying, and probably a rapist) superstar Neymar to an ankle injury sustained in a friendly win over Qatar.
The Copa America final at the Maracana in Rio will take place on July 7. And here's where we get to the other (most recent) FIFA gaffe. See, the CONCACAF Gold Cup final is also scheduled for July 7. That's two of the most prominent non-World Cup tournaments in the men's game slated for the same day.
Which is also when the Women's World Cup final takes place in Lyon. This, to put it mildly, is a slap in the face to the women's game. At a time when the U.S. women are suing U.S. Soccer for equal treatment, and ladies Ballon D'Or winner Ada Hegerberg from Norway is sitting out the World Cup to protest her national federation's lack of funding for the women's game, you'd think that FIFA would be able to figure out how to at least pretend to showcase the distaff elite.
You'd think that, if you didn't know anything about FIFA's clusterfuckery.
While all that is going on, our domestic leagues are taking a break, but both the MLS and NWSL are having highly entertaining seasons. D.C. United and the Washington Spirit pace their respective leagues, but second-year Los Angeles FC is threatening to run away and hide on its way to being one of the best sides in league history.
And in case that's not enough soccer for your entertainment dollar, the transfer window is open across the globe. Real Madrid just signed Chelsea star Eden Hazard. Paul Pogba's rumored to be on the move from Manchester United, as is Romelu Lukaku once Antonio Conte gets ensconced at Inter Milan. Money's gonna fly fast and furious, and the action in the boardroom may be as heated as the on-pitch stuff.
The major European leagues are a mere handful of games from wrapping up their seasons, and there's very little drama at the top of the tables. In England, Manchester City ran away with the Premier League title months ago - all that's left is to see how badly they break the league's records for points and goals. Likewise, in Germany and France, Bayern Munich and Paris Saint-Germain lead by more than 20 points, long-since clinched their titles. Juventus leads Napoli by seven points atop Serie A with two to play, though the Neapolitans have a game in hand. But it's over there, too.
In Spain, there's nothing to play for in terms of the championship, as Barcelona coasted to first place in La Liga. But there's still history at stake this evening in Madrid. Barca are unbeaten through 34 of 38 matches, with 26 wins and 8 draws. Tonight, their bitter rivals Real Madrid offer the last realistic chance to take points from Barcelona. Madrid have scuffled through a mediocre season by their standards, lagging in third place behind Atletico Madrid, but they're into the Champions League final against Liverpool, and a win over their hated foe would be a brilliant knife-twist. Fuck Cristiano Ronaldo, though, that preening bastard. Vamos Leo Messi!
While there isn't much to play for at the top of the Premier League table (Chelsea still harbors long-shot hopes of sneaking into a top-four finish and a Champions League berth), there's a bunch of action in the relegation zone. Stoke City became the first team relegated this season after a loss yesterday to Crystal Palace, leaving West Bromwich Albion (31 points), Southampton (33), Swansea (33), Huddersfield Town (35), and West Ham United (38) to scrap to stay out of the bottom three.
Darren Moore walks on water
Five matchweeks ago, West Brom was left for dead, with 20 points through 31 matches and nine consecutive losses. Alan Pardew was sacked after an ignominious and embarrassing stretch in relief of Tony Pulis, himself fired after a poor start to the season. The Baggies elevated former player Darren Moore to the head job on an interim basis, and the team hasn't lost since, beating Manchester United, Newcastle, and Tottenham Hotspur, and drawing Swansea and Liverpool - the latter with two goals in the final 10 minutes of play. Yesterday, needing a win to avoid relegation, West Brom scored in stoppage time to beat Spurs, then watched Everton score in the sixth minute of stoppage time to record a draw against Southampton. A Saints win would've also relegated the Baggies.
West Brom's fate still very much hangs in the balance. They need Southampton and Swansea to draw on Tuesday, then they need both of those sides to lose next weekend. They also need to beat Crystal Palace on the road, and make up a four-goal net differential against Southampton. It's possible, and if they pull it off, it'd be one of the greatest escapes in soccer history. Up the Baggies!
By the time you read this, the matches I really care about today will be well underway. Fulham are on a magical run of form, shaking off early-season somnambulism to rip off 19 consecutive games without a loss. Many observers tip them as the best team in the league. The Cottagers have rocketed from the middle of the League Championship table to third, one point behind Cardiff City. The top two teams in England's second division are automatically promoted to the Premiere League, while the third through sixth-place teams play a mini-tournament to decide the third promotion spot. Needless to say, there's a massive difference between second and third.
Ryan Sessegnon is a golden god
At 7:30 Eastern this morning, Fulham kick off at Birmingham City, while Cardiff host Reading in the final matches of the League Championship regular season. Birmingham sit 20th in the table, not yet out of the woods from a relegation perspective, so the game matters quite a bit to them. Reading are 19th, tied on points with Birmingham, so they've also got something to play for.
Fulham's chances of auto-promotion aren't quite as long as West Brom's odds to stay in the top flight, but they're still on the slim side. But I'm sayin' there's a chance. Come On You Whites!
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