Ask the Oil Spill . . . More Advice from Lesser Known Sages

IN A BOLD ATTEMPT TO RESURRECT A RECURRING FEATURE DESTINED TO STOP RECURRING, I AM SCREAMING THROUGH A MEGAPHONE WHILE IN A HELICOPTER ABOVE THE BP OIL SPILL!

THAT'S RIGHT. I AM SEEKING ADVICE FROM A LESSER KNOWN SAGE! PREVIOUSLY, I INTERVIEWED THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER, A DUNGEON MASTER, AND MATTHEW CLEMMENS! BUT I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING AS EXTREME AS THIS!

SO HERE I AM, SEVERAL HUNDRED MILES SOUTH OF MOBILE, ALABAMA, HOVERING OVER THE SPILL'S GAPING MAW. THE SPILL'S BREATH SMELLS LIKE A MIXTURE OF RAW SEWAGE, ROTTING SEAWEED AND DECAYED PELICAN. I'M GOING TO ASK THE SPILL A FEW QUESTIONS.

ME: Mr. Spill? Is that what you liked to be called? Or should I stick with Mr. Gulf Spill?

THE SPILL: I prefer Mr. BP.

ME: Is that so people know who is to blame? So they recognize who created you?

THE SPILL: No. It is an acronym for Big Penis. I'm hung like a derrick.

ME: Okay, let's get serious. Who is more to blame for the current financial crisis? Is it the banking industry, with their deleterious lending practices? Is it the Bush and Clinton administrations, which pushed the banking industry to provide a wide variety of unregulated mortgage products? Or is it the Wall Street bond market wonks who designed synthetic CDO's and never realized that the "diversification" in these bond funds was not really diverse at all?

THE SPILL: Those are good questions, but, honestly, I don't give give a flying fuck. You're talking about abstract, digital money. Boo hoo. Have you seen my handiwork? Look at this oil-soaked otter! How can you think about property values while beholding this otter! Behold the otter! I will light this oil soaked otter on fire! Fuck yeah! The sub-prime mortgage crisis bows down to me! I am the greater crisis! Me! The sub-prime mortgage crisis pales comparison to me. Pales! Get it? It is pale in comparison to my dark and oily complexion. I am the new black!

ME: Have you finally stopped spewing oil?

THE SPILL: Maybe. But it's building up in my shaft! You can shove as much mud and concrete as you want down there, but I still might ejaculate another load onto your clean blue ocean! Ha ha ha! Get it! Like your ex-leader ejaculating on that blue dress! But I stain better than him. You'll remember me long after you've forgotten his stain. You'll remember me every time your child steps into a sludge ball at the beach. You'll remember me every time you bite into a tuna salad sandwich and it's not tuna salad . . . it's a sludge ball! Fuck yeah! You will remember me! I am a match for even the great tsunami! Do you remember the tsunami? The tsunami bows down before me! I stain the tsunami! Ha ha ha!

ME: People seem devastated by the environmental damage you have wreaked, but I don't see anyone proposing drastic measures about curtailing our oil consumption. What do you make of this paradox?

THE SPILL: The paradox is beautiful! People have shifted their blame and anger to BP, but they need to look at me. They need to look in the mirror, the mirror-like blue waters of the Gulf and see their reflection. I am their reflection! The Gulf is not mirror-like and blue any longer! They will see black and grained spots. Out, damned spot, out! But the spot is on their soul. Two Shakespeare allusions! Oh yeah! The tsunami bows down to me. The tsunami was an act of God, but I am an act of you! Oh yeah! Who is more bad ass? I am more bad ass! Oh yeah! What was the question?

ME: Will humans curtail their energy consumption as a result of you?

THE SPILL: Right. Here is the beautiful thing. Oh yeah! I thought about this. It's so sweet. Because of global warming, it's too hot to walk! You see it? You want to save energy, you want to stop driving, but it's so fucking hot that you can't! You can't stop! It's too hot to walk around out there! Your fat-ass kids need an air conditioned mini-van to make it to the ice cream parlor. You're trapped! So it's all your fault. Oh yeah! Do you remember the earthquake that hit Turkey in 1999?

ME: Not exactly. Why?

THE SPILL: Oh yeah! You don't remember that, but you'll remember me. Every time an oily smoldering osprey flies by your house, you'll remember me! Every time an oil soaked whale beaches itself on your drive way, you'll remember me. I am an indelible stain on your soul! Oh yeah!

ME: On a lighter note . . . what bands do you listen to? Midnight Oil? Gaslight Anthem? Built to Spill?

THE SPILL: Ha ha! Very funny, but also very predictable. But I prefer Greasetruck.

ME: Where do you plan on vacationing this summer now that you've ruined the Gulf?

THE SPILL: I don't vacation in the Gulf anyway. That's where I work. You don't eat where you shit. I'm thinking of hijacking a plane and going to Alaska. I've got an old friend there. Plus, I'd love to stain some sweet white snow. And I've never engulfed and smothered a polar bear. It's always been a dream of mine to engulf and smother a polar bear.

ME: It's good to have goals. One last question: what do you think of Matthew Clemmens?

THE SPILL: I LOVE that guy. He's strictly small potatoes, but still, spewing up toxic liquid onto a sweet pure unblemished eleven year old girl . . . you can see how I admire that sort of thing. But who are you going to remember in ten years, Matthew Clemmens or me? It's me, baby! It is so ME! Every time you bite into a piece of crispy calamari at your favorite restaurant, and your face gets sprayed with burning hot oil sludge, you'll think of me! Not that mining disaster in West Virginia or that unpronounceable volcano in Iceland or the Hanta virus! Even though I don't have legs, I've got legs, baby! Oh yeah!

Ask the Large Hadron Collider

For the third installment of advice from lesser known sages, G:TB heads to Switzerland. Mr. LHC is predictably unbiased in his guidance, but his breadth of culture is unexpectedly large--he's the Synchroton Booster who knows more than just the Higgs Boson!


Dear Mr. LHC:

When I first started dating my girlfriend, there was plenty of romance and adventure, but now it seems like all she wants to do is watch reality TV and chill out on Facebook. What should I do?

Timing in a relationship is a difficult thing. There are certainly peaks and valleys, and if you can't navigate these, then the relationship is doomed. Perhaps it would be best to remind your lover that soon, in a universal sense, the sun that your planet is orbiting will die out and all life will end in your corner of the galaxy. So why not jump into bed and use all the orifices your species has for pleasure?

Hey Collider,

What is the truth about dark matter? Is there enough of it to prevent the universe from expanding until it becomes a cold lifeless void?

Although many people do not prefer dark matter, it is essential for making a tasty soup stock.

Dear LHC:

Do you think the Giants number one draft choice Jason Pierre-Paul's ability to do thirteen back flips will have any correlation with his potential as a defensive end?



Gravity is known as the "weak force." Pierre-Paul's ability to temporarily defeat this force won't change the fact that the Giants now have five defensive ends vying for playing time. I will list them in order of how cool their names sound to me: 1) Osi Umenyiora 2) Mathias Kiwanuka 3) Justin Tuck 4) Jason Pierre-Paul 5) Dave Tollefson. Tollefson is going to have a hard time competing with names like that.

If this draft choice worries you, remember that in five billion years, your sun will turn into a "red giant" and expand rapidly until it either completely engulfs your planet or-- the best case scenario-- it boils away your oceans and atmosphere, turning your blue and green paradise into a barren lifeless rock. Choosing an inexperienced athlete from a less competitive conference in a position that you already have a wealth of talent at will be the least of your problems.

And what about the McNabb trade?

It is odd for the Eagles to set up a collision with a force they know is potent and momentous. It is my guess that while Michael Vick was incarcerated, he studied quantum physics, and has now postulated what will happen during the next run of experiments inside my bowels. He obviously shared this information with the front office. I don't want to ruin the surprise, and I'm not saying that a black hole may tear your nation's capitol loose from the space-time fabric, but don't be surprised if a black hole tears your nation's capitol loose from the space-time fabric.

Ask Matthew Clemmens

Number two in a series of advice columns from lesser known sages.

This is not the Matthew Clemmens who intentionally vomited on an 11 year old girl at a recent Phillies game. You can read about him here. Our advice columnist Matthew Clemmens is a purely fictional 21 year old from Cherry Hill, New Jersey that is in no way related to the real Matthew Clemmens, who allegedly intentionally vomited on an 11 year old girl at a Phillies game. G:TB would never seek advice from THAT Matthew Clemmens, even for the sake of humor. And this fictional Matthew Clemmens does NOT look like the following citizen. Not in the least.

Dear Mr. Clemmens:

I recently shifted the balance of my Roth IRA into a 403B and I'm wondering what the consequences will be with the IRS. I own my own business, and for the past seven years I've been putting 25 percent of my income into the 403B. Will the Roth transfer default the tax benefit?

Confused in Kentucky

Confused:

There are several catch-up provisions available in regards to 403B contributions, and as long as you haven't contributed 25,000 dollars into your fund, then you can utilize these. If you have, then you might owe the government some money. Your closest IRS office is in Charlotte, NC. I would address a large manila envelope to your regional office, stick your fingers down your throat, and upchuck a bile filled load of undigested pork into the envelope. Then send it express mail with delivery confirmation so you know it gets there while it is still moist.

Dear Matt:

When I'm on a date, I never know if I should reach for my purse once the check comes. I know we live in a time when women are supposed to be liberated, but I still think when a man takes a girl out he should pay. What do you think?

A Curious Lady

Curious:

Although your date will most likely pick up the check, you should still offer to split it with him. You are showing your date that you understand the zeitgeist of this modern age: women are no longer to be protected from reality. Things cost money, and you'll show that you understand this, and that you understand the value of money. Most importantly, you'll show him that you know what it takes to be independent in society.

Just the other day, I gave an 11 year old girl at a baseball game a similar lesson. She thought that because she was young kid enjoying a sporting event with her dad, she wouldn't be intentionally vomited on. I showed her! That's a girl who will understand what it's like in the real world!


Hey Clemmens:

I'm pretty sure this bitch that I work with at the Stop and Shop scratched my car door. I'm pretty sure it's her because she always parks next to me and she's old and senile and she'd probably do something like that and not even notice or leave a note or anything. How should I get revenge?

Pissed off in PA

Pissed:

I will quote Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel here. "You really can't dust for vomit." Eat a shitload of Cheetos, drink a case of beer, stick your fingers down your throat, and give her driver side door a paint job she'll never forget. Not only will you exact your revenge, but if you're not caught in the act, it will be near impossible to prove that it is your vomit. Even though you get an employee discount at The Stop and Shop, you should buy the Cheetos in the next town over.

Ask the Dungeonmaster

G:TB presents the first in a series of advice columns from lesser known fonts of wisdom.


Dear Dungeonmaster, Most Esteemed Lord of Sorcery and Probability, Controller of Fates, Manipulator of Space-Time:

I humbly seek your opinion. My alma mater has adopted a new mascot, a most fearsome and terrible beast, a monster stitched together from the leftover pieces of the most violent and predatory of animals. The griffin! I ask You That Knows All, what is the best way to attack and defeat a griffin?

A 12th Level Archer from Jersey

Adult griffins have between 75 and 200 hit points. They are extremely maneuverable and have low encumbrance, so I would not recommend attempting to load and fire your crossbow. You will be eviscerated before you load the bolt. If you have high charisma, you might be able to approach the beast, and once you have gained its trust, I would recommend using a mace or vorpal sword to inflict as much damage as possible. If you have Elvish blood, you might be able to tame a young one and eventually ride it into battle.

Dear Dungeonmaster, Master of Fate and Dice, Lord of All Things:

Night after night, my wife has been working late on a project at her office. When she gets home, she has neither the time nor the inclination to polish my weapon. Her boss is a handsome man and he has a reputation as a lady-killer, but I can't prove anything. How should I proceed?

A 4th Level Druid


I need more information here. Is your wife's boss a dwarf or half-blood? Dwarfs are notoriously randy and half-bloods have no conscience. If you must assume the worst, then-- similar to the method I detailed above-- approach him cautiously and politely, and then suddenly accuse him of cuckolding you. If he seems guilty, if he furrows his brow or fingers a charm that he wears around his neck, then I recommend inflicting damage with a mace or vorpal sword. A white collar office worker has between 20 and 40 hit points. You will probably have to inflict two blows with the mace, unless you roll an 18,19, or 20. The vorpal sword may work with one blow, but they are harder to get through security. A rock duct-taped to a stick will work if you cannot procure any other weapon.

Dear Dungeonmaster, Knower of Stuff:

I lost my job last year and my health benefits have just recently expired. I didn't have the money to get on the COBRA continuation health plan, and now I have an unsightly wart growing on the side of my head and I don't have the cash to get it removed. I have tried a variety of spells and charms, to no avail, and I haven't been able to find a paladin to lay hands on me. I'm really at my wits end. What should I do?

Bob in Cincinnati

Bob, if you cannot call a succubus to come to you in the night and then convince her to drain the fluid, I recommend getting a trustworthy friend to hit the wart with a spiked mace. Once the fluid has suppurated, use a vorpal sword to cut the remainder of the infected flesh from your head.

Dear Dungeonmaster:

I was recently at a ball game with my daughter, and someone maliciously vomited on her. Would I be justified in a court of law if I bludgeoned him with my mace and then stabbed him through the skull with my vorpal sword?

Angry in PA

Bludgeon away! If your conscience bothers you, pay a visit to your local cleric.