G:TB's Week 9 NFL Picks: Saaaaaaved by zeeeeero!

For some reason I feel like buying a Toyota...

Miami @ Denver (-3.5)

Courage. It elevates mere men to something greater. It’s also how Dan Rather enigmatically closed his nightly broadcasts, but that’s not really relevant to the point. The courage to stand alone as those around you clamor against your conviction is among the most vital pillars of our ruggedly individualistic society. This week, friends, I stand before you in full knowledge that the rest of my colleagues hurl brickbats against the fortress of my gambling knowledge, assailing the forthcoming selection on the grounds that Wildcats trump mountains and mediocrity knows no geographic distinction. The vigil of the courageous is a lonely one at times. Nearly as lonely as the vigil of the stubbornly stupid.

Once more into the breach, then, gentlemen, with the Broncos covering at home.

Tampa Bay (-9.5) @ Kansas City
By now I think we all realize how bad the Chiefs are. And sadly, its not just the product on the field. Just look at Carl Peterson and company's recent decision making. They chose to let an elite pass rusher who had cleaned up his life get away in free agency while also deciding to retain the services of a good, not great, tailback who has a penchant for excessive drinking, violence towards women and a complete lack of respect for authority (Which brings up the question? What the hell was going on when Larry Johnson was in Happy Valley? Was he running absolutely fucking wild whilst the coaching staff and athletic department covered it all up or did he lose his ever loving mind when he got away from Dad and Joe Pa? But I digress). The point here is that Kansas City should be glad that Detroit wasn't relegated to the Arena League or else they'd be the laughingstock of the NFL. HOWEVA, there's not a chance in hell the Bucs will score enough points on the road in one of the league's loudest venues to cover this spread. Not with Jeff Garcia hop, hop, hopping his way around the pocket and surely not with Michael Clayton dropping passes and cutting off routes. The Bucs are a good team but they depend on their opponents' offensive miscues for big offensive days of their own and Kansas City will be just average enough to cover in Arrowhead.

G:TB’s First Annual Conrad Efraim Selection:

New York Jets (+5.5) at Buffalo Bills
The name Conrad Efraim may not ring a bell to you. It should. It is the given name of Teej’s wrestling hero, S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. Mr. Jones was a hard-working wrestler for many years in the WWF. He toiled in the nether-regions of the sport – famous enough to be cheered, skilled enough to put on a good match, yet absent the sufficient flair required to be a consistent winner. He was lumped in with the (pre-killer B’s) B. Brian Blairs, Iron Mike Sharpes and Steve Lombardis (aka the Brooklyn Brawler) of the wrestling world in the 1980’s. He staged some memorable bouts against the likes of “Dr. D” David Schultz, Adrian Adonis and Ken Patera. He always came up short despite putting on a good show for the audience. He was such a memorable performer that Counting Crows' frontman Adam Duritz wrote a song about hanging out with the guy in an effort to impress Courtney Cox. I think.

Mr. Efraim passed away yesterday in Antigua, suffering a heart attack at the age of 63. May we all stain our rugs tonight, pouring out some of our 40 ouncers in memory of our homey.

We will honor Mr. Efraim’s spirit with this week’s pick. We focus on a blue-collar team that shows promise, yet lacks the flair to reach the top. That team is the New York Jets. They show flashes, they seduce their fans, yet they ultimately can’t get the job done. I speak of their season, and I speak of their game this week. Getting 5.5 points against a Schobel-less Buffalo squad is too enticing to pass over. Yet the Jets face their own injury problems. Multiple players have suffered concussions recently. ILB David Harris got nicked up last week and will miss the game. Jerricho Cotchery and Tony Richardson are suffering from various ailments and will be less than 100%. Blocking tight end Bubba Franks will also be out. And QB Brett Favre has played like he is mentally impaired.

The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will keep it close. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will give fans a reason to think they can pull off the upset. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will ultimately lose. Jay Feeley will end up as a goat in this game, as his atrophied leg will fail to provide the “Special Delivery” needed in a close game. Take the Jets to keep it close – Buffalo 16, Jets 13.

Philly @ Seattle (+5.5) and Pittsburgh @ Washington (-1.5):
Picks - Eagles and Steelers
There's a song originally written by Phil Ochs many moons ago called "Here's To The State of Mississippi". It's a song filled with anguish of the common man as he is deceived, tormented, and misguided by those that govern him. It has mutated from its primal form over the years to fit the current times in which it resides (e.g. "Here's To The State of Richard Nixon", "Here's To The State of George W.", etc.) - all of which reflect the same sentiment of communal negativity. In the spirit of forthcoming change (and to make this bit work properly), G:TB will not only change the lyrical content of this simple, but brilliant piece; but the theme as well. The current state of Pennsylvania has become that of overwhelming jubilance and hope culminating with this past week's World Series victory for the Phillies. It has the Penn State Nittany Lions, who are poised to bring JoPa a National Title at the age of 112, after having beaten the Bucks at the Horseshoe for the first time in 30 years. Finally it has two NFL teams that are teetering on greatness...

Here's to the lads of Pennsylvania
They're laying olive branches as they open the prison door
Their bellies bounce inside them as they pick you up off the floor
No they don't like taking prisoners in their private little war
Behind their broken badges there are martyrs and more
Oh, here's to the land you've torn out the heart of
Pennsylvania, there's no other country to be part of...

Booze, Booze, Booze and, oh yeah, some football squeezed in there too...

By the time you read this, I'll be in Jacksonville and, more than likely, extremely drunk. Ask a Florida fan what their favorite thing about the last weekend of October is and they are almost certainly going to say the Florida-Georgia weekend/World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (or Fantasy Fest is they're gay like Burr). Not only is it a weekend that features more booze per square mile than any other college football weekend you've ever laid your eyes on, but its also the perfect embodiment of SEC Football in its overall display of fan passion, football tradition and flat out redneck ridiculousness. If you can't tell, I absolutely love everything about Florida-Georgia weekend. And, I'm really looking forward to this year's edition, and the University of Florida settling some unfinished business come Saturday at 3:30.

However, there is one thing about this weekend that's a bit disappointing to me. You see, this weekend was supposed to be even better, more wild and memorable than it promises to be. Two years ago, TJ, Greg, Jerry and Slater flew in to Jacksonville on the Thursday night before the game and, to borrow a phrase from the kinds, it was on. Basically, the weekend started with Slater knocking out some poor underaged Georgia fan for pushing me (Slater had known me for maybe 3 hours at this point) and ended when Greg caught the world's most disgusting nose bleed late Saturday evening. To say the weekend was memorable doesn't do it justice. By Friday evening, our crew had swelled to 10 as one of Greg's rugby buddies later flew into town which was quickly followed by the arrival of two of my friends from my time at Florida (Roberto & Socks...ask TJ). From this point on, it was completely and totally out of control...and we were all set to do it again this year. Sadly, it wasn't in the cards. Jerry's playing Jack Bauer over in Switzerland, Socks has a wedding, Slater's a pussy (his words, not mine) and TJ has to take inappropriate pictures at some state fair this weekend. Roberto will be joining us at some point Saturday morning but, for all intents and purposes, the weekend will consist of Greg, Vitas, myself and a revolving cast of characters we either know or have just met. Just three guys who've known each other since 7th grade getting drunk, acting like idiots and trying like hell to not get arrested (Believe me, its happened to more than one person I've gone up to Jacksonville with for this weekend). And you know what? It might not be the same, but I guarantee that it will be a ton of fucking fun. The fact that Halloween occurs on the night before the game will only make the weekend that much better (Can you say hot Georgia girls in slutty halloween costumes?).

As for the game, I'm not sure how it will turn out. I think Florida should win. Their defense is much improved, the offense is far more diverse, Tebow's healthy and, perhaps most importantly, the Gators have a revenge on their mind. Georgia pulled some bush league shit last year with that planned celebration after their first TD. Honestly, I don't blame them. They've made a habit of getting their asses handed to them by the Gators in Jacksonville over the past 15 years and Mark Richt needed to find a way to energize the players and fans. Mission accomplished. Unfortunately for him, he also awakened the Gator fanbase and pissed Urban Meyer off something fierce. Florida fans had begun to take Georgia for granted a bit. FSU and Tennessee were considered bigger, more important rivals over the past decade and LSU had become a more celebrated conference opponent as well. Thats certainly not the case anymore. Florida fans have a renewed sense of hatred for the Bulldogs and would like nothing more than to beat Georgia and maybe even run up the score a bit. Now, don't get me wrong, Knowshon Moreno scares the shit out of me and AJ Green is the best WR that the Bulldogs have had in many years. On top of that, Georgia's defense is extremely talented and has gotten healthy recently. With that said, I think Matthew Stafford is overrated due to his physical skills (Seriously, Gary Danielson may have an aneurysm on Saturday with all his fawning over Tebow and Stafford) and the general public doesn't quite realize how much more balanced the Gators are as team this year. If I'm right about this game, the weekend will be as memorable as the last Florida-Georgia weekend, albeit for entirely different reasons. If I'm wrong, well, at least I can take solace in a weekend full of booze, Georgia girls and Greg ending the weekend with another spectacular nosebleed...and I'll get pictures of it this time.

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

We've got a Florida/Georgia post on the way from Mark, and some Week 9 NFL picks to satisfy our readership (I'm even jumping back on the pick train), but for now, a clip that has absolutely nothing to do with Halloween and everything to do with the comedic brilliance that was Animal House:

T.J. Helping T.J.

For some odd reason, T.J. Whosyourdaddy felt the need this week to guarantee that his 0-8 Bengals will not go winless this year:

Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh told Adam Schefter of NFL Network that his team, currently 0-8, will not finish this season 0-16. “If the season ends and we don’t win a game,” Houshmandzadeh said, “I will walk from my house to the NFL Network studios.”

In fact, in what can only be describe as sadly comical, he guaranteed the Bungles would win TWO games this year. Well, honestly, the guy might be dead wrong, but I thought we'd at least take a look at Cincy's remaining slate to see if we can find those two imaginary wins for my boy T.J...

Week 9: Jags come to town
The Jags just lost at home to Cleveland. Shaun Rogers single-handedly destroyed Jacksonville all day long. They will be one pissed off bunch this weekend. 0-9 here they come.

Week 10: Bye
Insert whatever lame bye joke you want here. Or whatever weird ass photo someone emails you.

Week 11: Eagles come to town
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Jim Johnson will blitz the shit out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. I imagine that will lead to a 12-31, 179 yds, 2 INTs line for Mr. Harvard...and yet another loss for Houshmandzadeh's Heroes.

Week 12: At Pittsburgh
Thursday nighter vs. Steely McBeam, having played (and most likely been mauled by Philly) four days earlier. If I may steal a phrase from the gents over at Mr. Irrelevant, the countdown to epic fail continues.

Week 13: Ravens come to town
Hold the phone. Might we have something here? Home game against a division rival, most likley 0-10 at this point, playing for pride (I would hope). Perhaps Joe Flacco gives this one away. Perhaps. We might've just found Win #1.

Week 14: At Indianapolis
The Colts will be desperately trying to make the playoffs. The Bengals will be coming off their first win of the season, which sadly will make their millionaire asses complacent. Colts in a laugher.

Week 15: The Skins come to town
As much as I would enjoy saying the Bengals win this one, I simply don't see it. But if they did win, man oh man would I want to catch Czabe Monday morning...

Week 16: At Cleveland
I know what you're thinking, here it is, Win #2. Not so fast my friend. By this point Carson's brother has been installed as Cincy's QB and his game proves to be Leaf-esque. A pick 6 or two, some fumbles...in fact he almost gets Houshmandzadeh decapitated on one throw early in the game. Browns win, setting up this doozy...

Week 17: Hosting the Chieves...get the Futility Bowl t-shirts ready
Honestly, at this point, we could be watching 1-14 vs. 1-14. The Bengals should intentionally lose this game if that's the case. But they won't, and will muster enough offense to beat the hapless Chiefs, who for shits and giggles replace Herm at halftime with Ty to see if anyone notices. They don't. Jordan Palmer outduels Tyler Thigpen. Laughter and tears and vomiting follow.

So T.J., we did it man. I got you to 2-14 (though I still think you should tank and end up 1-15, but what do I know). Something to be proud of, I guess. And seriously, if Marvin Lewis doesn't get fired after this season, I demand a full investigation into what blackmail material he has on owner Mike Brown.

Reader Request

I was told at lunch yesterday that G:TB needed more wrestling interviews. Then I was sent this clip, and after that dose of Mean Gene and Macho Man I might have to agree:

Leon Powe welcomes Delonte West to the 08-09 NBA Season

In emphatic fashion:

Tuesday Afternoon Post

How's that for a creative title? You can find all kinds of nonsense on the internet (witness the picture to the right), and we here at G:TB are happy to provide internet searchers nothing but the best...our latest list of (possibly) satisfied searchers:

neil diamond wrote after killed drifter get an erection
It's a great bit. What can I say. And that is some fantastic sentence structure.

bo jackson barehanded catch
How in the world can there not be a clip of this on the web?

susan clements + moose jaw
I have no freaking clue what this is, but it sounds dirty and could easily have a definition in the urban dictionary.

dwight howard blog
No, no, sorry, you're got the wrong NBA big man. You're looking for the blog with the Magic logo and Jesus fish.

here comes the rooster sabbath
Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe, man - that song is done by Alice in Chains.

zamfir concert 2008 ny
This one makes no sense at all. It's Pan Flute mania at G:TB.

canadian equivalent to live-aid
Well, I'll be damned, Whitneypedia finally proved useful.

follicular clampdown
Hey, if we can become the internet's #1 source for "follicular clampdown" knowledge, I'll be satisfied.

valentina gaylord family
I have no clue who that family is, but I'm willing to bet G:TB spit out some rock solid Mitch Gaylord info for this searcher. Well done Rhymo, you male gymnast-loving homo.

todd bouman
Mark, I know that's you.

who was charlie when o.j. killed nicole
Boy have you come to the right place...

melissa stark gang
Gang...what? Am I the only one who thinks that search ended a word short?

Dustin Pedroia height contrversy
rob is blushing.

Alfonso Ribeiro shirtless
God damn you Whitney.

cameltoe olimpics 2008
Spelling is overrated obviously. Just give the man (or, perhaps, woman) the damn cameltoe they so desperately want. And none of that vintage cameltoe either - it needs to be fresh 2008 'toe.

its christmas eve in washington
My hate for this song is well documented. For those that say I'm overreacting, go here...and wait for this tune. "But TJ", you say, "it's October 28th. There won't be any christmas songs on yet"....ah, Kato, my little yellow friend, you are dead wrong. Butt trifling 97.1 WASH FM started playing holiday tunes LAST WEEK. And you wonder why I want to firebomb the station?

merry christmas kiss my ass kiss his ass kiss your ass
Here's looking at you WASH FM Program Director.

"kansas city tornadoes" team
I guess someone other than Michael Jack is a fan of this team name. I'm still partial to the Blazing Saddles-themed Kansas City club, but somehow I don't think that's making it by the censors.

what does "click clack" mean
At some point we really need to recive a check from Under Armour...or at least a free tee that will cling to my man boobs.

jeff garcia noodle arm
My favortie search term of this entire post.

she has a lazy eye
Survey says...Katie Holmes.

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA
See Mark, there is a huge demand for all that Florida-based crap I send you daily, about horrendous parenting, electoral fraud, meth day care centers, etcetera etcetera...

dan the man going to work got his tie got ambision
Best. Commerical. Ever. But who the hell spells ambition like that? And it's Glen going to work dear ghoogler, not Dan.

Follow me! Follow me to freedom!
Or is this the best commercial ever?

Come on, these guys were gay?

I find that hard to believe...

The Fall Guy

Reading about other people's college homecomings and their overlarge share of inside jokes, heroically inflated memories, and maudlin remember-whenisms is a vastly overrated thing. So I'll spare you most of the retelling of (4/7ths of) Team G:TB's trip to Williamsburg, VA.

There was, however, a singular element of the weekend that must be recounted in an effort to save the masses from repeating our mistake. In this case, that mistake is now almost 20 years old. To wit, don't make friends with swarthy black Irishmen named Gus. At least if you value your physical being.

The latest installment in an ongoing lesson in inadvisable ideas that are a lot funnier after the fact? A seemingly harmless-sounding shot of tequila, accompanied by salt and lime. Innocuous, no? We've all downed more of Jose Cuervo's elixir than we'd probably care to admit to our parents and employers, I'm sure, and to no real harm. Lick the salt, drink the shot, suck the lime. Easy, peasy.

Change the name of the shot to The Stuntman, keep the order the same but the orifices different and you've got a recipe for moronic disaster. As in, snort the salt (rock salt, not that sissy Morton's crystals stuff) into your nose, drink the shot, squeeze the lime into your eye. Commence laughing and crying until near-vomit with the 6-8 like-minded idiots in your midst. Do not repeat.

And that's...one to grow on.

Fashion is dumb: Pulp Fiction Edition

"Bring out the Gimp."

"Gimp's sleeping."

"Well, I guess you're gonna have to go wake him up now, won't you?"

G:TB's Week 8 NFL Picks

At this point you would think we weren't even trying...

Buffalo @ Miami (+1.5)

This is dumb. Really dumb. I'm about to pick a road favorite to cover against a team that drilled New England and San Diego this season. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Somebody stop me. Wait, New England and San Diego are shadows of themselves for a number of reasons in 2008? The Dolphins lost by two touchdowns to Joe Flacco at home last week? Trent Edwards leads the AFC in completion percentage, is second in passer rating, and has only thrown two picks? Ah, fuck it. I like the Bills.

Arizona @ Carolina (-4.5)

Last time the Cardinals flew East for some hot pigskin action, they were beaten by the Redskins and annihilated by the Jets in successive weeks. Western teams in the Eastern time zone this season are 0-fer. Carolina just took the Saints' lunch money. It'll take more than Anquan Boldin's Steve Austin impersonation to carry the Cards over the Panthers in Charlotte. Gimme some Carolina, and load it up with plenty of sauce.

Atlanta (+9) at Philadelphia
G:TB is drunk on Matty Ice and feels that this 4-2 Falcons squad is not getting its due against the 3-3 Eagles. Much has been said about the strength of the NFC East, but that is a classic example of pundits trying to craft a story too early in the season. Philadelphia has been up and down all year, but remain overhyped because of their one quality win against the Steelers. Atlanta has a couple decent wins this year, on the road against Green Bay and home against Chicago.

Both teams are coming off bye weeks heading into this game. Falcons fans will enjoy the efforts of a rested John "Hamstrings of Porcelain" Abraham. The Eagles will have a somewhat healed Bryant Westbrook ready to go, but he will likely still be less than 100%. Another key item - Eagles fans may be less cruel than normal if their Phillies hold a lead going into Sunday. That means less battery dodging will be needed by Michael Turner and Rowdy Roddy White.

We think this game is much closer than the spread indicates. The Falcons may not win, but they should keep it close. Take the Falcons

Tampa Bay @ Dallas (-2)
I'm not quite sure why I keep picking Bucs games. I mean, I don't have very good luck with them and I've already admitted that my fandom precludes me from seeing things as clearly as I would if I was picking, say, the Carolina-Arizona game. But, with that said, I've been busy today with work, a fantasy draft and discussing fashion with Geoff and TJ in a chat room this afternoon, so I might as well stick to what I know if I want to get this thing finished in time for TJ.

It's been well documented that Dallas is a hot mess. When you're starting a QB who's 40+ and thats not even among your 3 biggest problems, well, you're in a heap of shit. Seriously, want to know how old Brad Johnson is? He was the starting QB for the home team in the first ever college football game I ever attended. I turned 31 two weeks ago, if that gives you any idea how long ago that was. Now listen, I love Brad Johnson...he won the Bucs a Super Bowl, but I have a hard time believing that he's going to carry the Cowboys to victory in this one all by his lonesome. That said, I also have a hard time seeing the Bucs putting up a ton of points against a Dallas front seven that should constantly pressure Jeff Garcia. Additionally, Garcia's noodle arm and the lack of playmakers on the outside for Tampa make it highly unlikely that the Bucs will be able to burn the inexperienced Dallas secondary enough times to make the Cowboys defense stop what promises to be a constant barrage of exotic blitzes (Are exotic blitzes from Asia, or some small Cental American country? What makes them so exotic?). Honestly, this game is probably going to suck. Even if you're a Tampa fan (Greg) you might want to have another game as your primary viewing option come Sunday. I dont want to do this, but I'll take the Cowboys.

Presented Without (Much) Comment

Little article in CNN.com today about the growing trendlet towards tiny houses (really, really tiny, like me-sized tiny). I appreciate the idea of eliminating some of the inefficiency of the modern American home, but there's probably a happy medium. The question for the panel is this: how long could you live in a 154 sq. ft. house before losing your everloving mind?

Yawn and Stretch and Try to Come to Life

Slow absurd news day here in G:TWorld. While you wait eagerly for our next contrived and useless feature, check out William and Mary basketball coach Tony Shaver's video blog (yeah, I know even less than you what that means, but Friend of G:TB Michael Litos did the interviewing) from yesterday's CAA Basketball Media Day. Watch the whole thing - there's a terrific story about VCU coach Anthony Grant and Shaver's son, Austin from last season's CAA Tournament.

Bonus points and/or punches if you know the provenance of the headline.

A Forgotten Gem

Quite a cast in this one: Gheorghe, Lil' Penny, Kilborn...

Money, It's Gotta Be the Shoes

From the Picture's Worth 79 Billion Words File (or the Sports Bog, whichever), a preseason shot of Danny and Vinny. G:TB's crack captioning staff took our best (not really) shots below. We welcome yours in the comments.


“Danny, get Smoot on the horn; time to get mine.”

"Danny, you gotta stop drinking Mountain Dew if you want to lose that gut and get a 6-pack like me. Put your pager down and feel these abs. Right here"

"I don't know why Cooley's so proud of his junk...wait till that cheerleader wife of his gets a load of this!"

“No way. Last time you told me to pull your finger we wound up drafting a punter.”

"Hey . . . these rugburns on my knees keep food on my table, dick."

"This remote doesn't seem to work."

He would've HATED Alexei Lalas

Yesterday a Japanese newspaper reported that North Korean despot/dictator/tyrant/all around grumpy pants Kim Jong-Il is indeed alive and well, despite rumors to the contrary, and he's feeling so well soccer is on the agenda. Uh oh...

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il bans long hair for men

BEIJING -- In his first reported appearance following news of his hospitalization, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il lost his temper while watching a college soccer match, denouncing several players' long hair as "disgusting," according to a source close to the North Korean government. The outburst was followed by a nationwide ban on long hair for men.

OK, wow, where do we start? Obviously, this seems like a perfectly natural reaction (for a lunatic). Climb out of death bed for fear-inducing appearance, realize soccer players like sporting long, flowy locks, and immediately get insulted to the core. Consequently ban long hair on all men in THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. Kim Jong Il, when keeping it real goes wrong.

The follicular clampdown is the first concrete report of Kim's behavior following his reported illness.

I don't know if this phrase came from the translation of the Japanese paper, but "follicular clampdown" is a fantastic term, and should definitely be used more often. You choose the context.

Kim was watching a special match between Kim Il-sung University -- his own alma mater, which was celebrating its 62nd anniversary -- and Pyongyang University of Railways. According to an insider, after realizing that several of the Kim Il-sung University players were sporting long hair, Kim declared it to "look disgusting," and said "I can't tell if this is men's soccer or women's soccer."

Throw out the records when KIU and PUR get together. And if North Korean women had the right to speak, I'm sure they would be appalled.

His mood grew steadily worse until the end of the first half, at which point he announced he would not be watching the rest of the match. Whether he was actually watching from the stadium or on television is unknown.

Shortly after the incident, a notice was posted in workplaces across the country banning long hair for men. Staff at Kim Il-sung University were witnessed carrying out particularly stringent checks.

How stringent does a test for long hair have to be really? I mean, what's the sneakiest move a long-haired North Korean has in the arsenal - hair under hat? Hair wrapped around mouth as fake beard? Even TSA employees could carry out these long hair checks.

Kim's viewing of the match, which was broadcast by the Korean Central News Agency on Oct. 4, is his first officially-reported activity since he was rumored to be suffering a major illness.

Power hungry authoritarian overlord in failing health who hates long hair? Hmmmmm, remind you of anyone?

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

If Shane doesn't make you smile just a little, well, you're probably in the wrong place.

Leroy Hill will damage your brain

Not only did the hit below knock Bucs WR Ike Hilliard (seriously, this guy's still in the league?) out of the game, but it also knocked out Seattle LB Lofa Tatupu (fantastic name) with a concussion. Bad Bad, Leroy...Hill:

Adding insult to injury: Seattle challenged the play and won the review, with officials ruling that Hilliard caught the ball and fumbled it, allowing Seattle to take possession of the ball.

Fashion is dumb...wait, what's this?

It's pays to have readers who look out for us...here's the first reader submission for the *cough* wildly popular "Fashion is dumb" segment. I must say I find this new trend more intriguing than dumb. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's this model's ass...who's to say really.

"No pants is the new skinny jean"

G:TB's Week 7 NFL Picks - Rut Ro, Raggy

Tennessee @ Kansas City (+8)

Brodie Croyle is the quintessential Alabama quarterback - white, floppy-haired, dating a cheerleader, moderately talented, completely incapable of carrying a team. And as much as I love Brodie Croyle, he's as unqualified to be an NFL starting quarterback as Sarah Palin is to be President. Much like Jay Barker before him and John Parker Wilson over the next 3-4 years, Croyle is nothing so much as the NFL QB equivalent of a fair catch. By starting Croyle, the Chiefs are giving up. They're focusing on not getting anyone injured, and living the 'discretion is the better part of valor' credo until they can draft a real signal-caller next Spring. Tennessee wins this game by a lot more than 8.

Detroit @ Houston (-8.5)
The Detroit Lions are Washington Nationals awful. There’s really no need to have a write up about this game, but, if you must… Detroit is 2nd to last in the NFL in both Rushing and Passing defense. They are starting a minor league hockey player named Dan Orlovsky at QB whose rating sits firmly at 59.6 through 4 games (and was seen gloriously running out of the back of the endzone during a scramble last week like he had no idea what the white lines meant around the field). And the team just traded their best offensive weapon on Tuesday (who they mysteriously stopped using over the past 2 years). This will be ugly…Houston 31, Lions 6.

Jets (-3) at Oakland
Much has been said about the sad state of Al Davis’ 2008 Oakland Raiders. Most of it is negative. And some of it is true. The owner is morphing into the host of Tales from the Crypt, the interim coach is a loser, the QB is fat, the defensive coordinator looks like an extra in Sons of Anarchy, the kicker is a date rapist, etc. On the field, the team has performed poorly, still waiting for its two young offensive prospects to get it going on the field. Unfortunately, this isn’t the week that McFadden and Russell will get their groove back. They will struggle against a surprisingly stout Jets defense that plays well against the run (giving up 69 yards per game on the ground - clicks) and gets at the quarterback (18 sacks in 5 games). Look for the Jets D to pressure Russell into a couple bad picks this week. G:TB predicts that Jets safety Kerry Rhodes will get his first INT of the year this week as he snares an errant 50 yard bomb that Russell uncorks. Oakland will show why they’ve only scored 81 points in five games this year.

The match-up between the Jets offense and the Raiders defense also tilts in New York’s favor. Oakland has given up at least 24 points in each of their four losses, though it came against some formidable foes (SD, Denver, New Orleans, Buffalo). And they’ve given up an average of 130 yards on the ground in those games. The Jets new and improved blocking contingent, bolstered by Alan Faneca and Tony Richardson, should be able to create openings for Thomas Jones and Leon Washington.

The recipe for Jets success is to be balanced enough that their 83 year old QB doesn’t have to break a hip trying to make plays. After an ugly win last week over Cincy last week, the Jets will be focused and ready to feast on the underbelly of their schedule (home against Cincy, at Oakland, home against KC, at Buffalo, home against St. Louis). The Jets will score enough and defend enough to walk away unscathed. Prediction: Jets cover, winning 23-14.

Seattle @ Tampa Bay (-10.5)
The easiest money in the NFL is right here. Not in the actual game mind you, but in betting that the folks at NBC will show us an old team photo of the Packers featuring Jon Gruden and Mike Holgrem as Al Michaels discusses how much respect these two coaches have for one another. I swear to god, if I lived in Vegas I'd put my entire 401K on it. Unfortunately (or fortunately if you're my septum) I don't live in Vegas so I'll have to find some other ways to make that extra cash we all so desperately need right now. In somewhat related news, John Madden won't be broadcasting this game as he says he's too worn out and needs a week off from, you know, sitting on a luxury bus, eating Bloomin' Onions and working for 5 hours a week. While this story certainly passes the smell test, I have it on good authority that Madden's not coming to Tampa because he curb stomped a stripper at Mons last time he was in town because Monte Kiffin dared him too. Monte's a bit of a sadist you see. Everybody always wonders why he's never approached for a head coaching job. Well, that's easy. He has a trunk full of dead hookers (and Shaun King...don't ask) buried in his backyard. Its a massive cover up and people all over Tampa are in on it but, honestly, things much worse than this happen in Tampa on a weekly basis (Don't believe me? Have TJ send you some of the articles he sends me each week). Anyway, as for this game, I'm a bit weary about taking the Bucs when they're giving up so many points but its a rare home night game and Seneca Wallace is starting for the first time since he teamed with Hiawatha Jones (seriously) in the backfield at Iowa State. Tampa's going to score at least one defensive touchdown and Jeff Garcia will be just efficient enough to score another TD or two. Frankly, I'd be surprised if the Seahawks break double digits. Take the Bucs.

Welcome to the Bummingdome

I'm stuck in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle of bummingness, a place I haven't visited much since I've become a father. This magical place can only be visited by following these three steps:

1) Catch a brutal cold and try to ignore it.

2) Ensure sleep deprivation all week (enhancing the effects of Step 1).

3) Gorge on processed pork and rich beer at a German restaurant on a Thursday night.

By Friday, you will understand the Bermuda Triangle and be a runny-nosed, feverish mess like me. I'm a quart deep on coffee at 9:30 AM. My first urine of the day was neon yellow, and I'm all tweaked out. Other than that I'm perfect.

I think I ate 69 mini pieces of bratwurst, weisswurst and potato pancakes last night. They were passed around on a tray by authentic German waitresses. The outfits of one of the authentic German waitresses made the restaurant experience a million times better. The husky, busty German woman had her curvy figure (and enormous bosoms) stuffed into a traditional German dress. There was cleavage spilling everywhere. It was tremendous. After my second giant mug, I was absolutely smitten. After my fourth giant mug, I was ready to tell her I loved her. After my fifth giant mug...I crawled home, unfurling noxious pork farts the likes of which haven't been smelled since...the last time I ate a lot of German sausage. Nobody won.

What made the night better (and this morning worse) was the discovery of two taps in a corner of the restaurant. I could fetch all the Spaten Oktoberfest beer I wanted without having to go to the bar. It was awesome. And costly.

I feel old and bloated right now. I will count the hours until I can retreat home.

Someone help me out here

I realize this isn't the absolute worst rap song of all time, but this has to be Top 5, right? I embedded this extended video version just so everyone can have a chuckle at the opening exchange...Michael Vick jokes are hilarious:

G:TB Song of the...Time Period

Jenny Lewis has a new record out. You know how we feel about Jenny Lewis.

Linky Housekeeping, Futile Superfan Style

G:TB notes with some relief and a great deal of pleasure that Friend of G:TB Michael Litos is back to active blogger status at his new hoops-focused blog Regarding the Underdog. MGL is both the only published author we know (other than our friend Jay, who wrote an underrated and undersold guide to the trails of Maine's Acacia National Park, and, we suppose, technically Whitney and I wrote a book on the 2004 baseball season, but there's only one copy and it's in my bathroom) and a passionate observer of CAA Hoops, so we're doubly in the tank for him. His old blog (CAA: Life as a Mid-Major) was a must-read for the futile superfans among us - we're psyched to see that he's back.

Celebratin' the Flyin' Hawaiian

Despite having no love for the city of Philadelphia and any of its sports teams, I do quite enjoy the play of Phillies OF Shane Victorino. And given his NLCS-turning two run homer off Dodgers P Cory Wade last night (the first homer given up by Wade since August 28th), I wanted to show him some love. Maestro, the YouTube clip please:

Happy Columbus Day

A lot of people have today off. Sadly, I am not one of those people. So, you get a video this morning in honor of Cristoforo Colombo, Italian colonizer, explorer and generally clueless navigator. Chris, thanks for finding The Americas five hundred years after Leif Ericson.

G:TB's Week 6 NFL Picks

Yeah, there's only three picks here...for now. There will be five before kickoff tomorrow (I think)...

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (+4)

I'm a lousy gambler. There's a reason I don't bet my own money on NFL games - I've demonstrated a profound ability to lose it faster than a Lehman Brothers broker on a derivatives bender. Part of the reason for this phenomenon, if not all of it, is my propensity for making picks on instinct rather than any thought whatsoever. In fact, this is actually in very close keeping with the manner in which I live my life. Instinct trumps preparation as a rule. So far, so good.

The purpose of this ramble, then, is to preface my preference for the Colts. I like Indy for two reasons (three, if you count pure gut feel): a) to paraphrase a paraphrase of Mark Twain's famously bastardized quote, the rumors of the Colts' demise have been greatly exaggerated - even as their line play has been terrible on both sides of the ball, they've still managed to break even on the season. I think they're due a breakout game, and b) Joe Flacco. We're talkin' 'bout Joe Flacco. Joe Flacco, man. Joe Flacco. Not Peyton Manning. Not Peyton Manning. Joe Flacco.

Oakland @ New Orleans (-7.5)
There isn't a legitimate coach in North America that would touch the Oakland job - I mean they probably couldn't convince Ty Willingham to take the gig (Hold it. I said legitimate coach didn't I? Nevermind). The Raiders will struggle mightily until they have an owner that can put together a group that actually cares about winning together. So, I'd say they have another 6 to 9 more years until Al Davis croaks and they can rebuild anew. In the meantime, they'll lack the leadership it takes to win in the NFL and keep losing along the way. This just isn't the time to run into a talented team at home coming off back to back dominating performances on the road..think about what it might be like if Peter North got paired up with a young starlet the day after coming home from to find his wife in flagrante delicto with a co-star.

Sai...Hold on. What's that noise? No. It can't be. It can't be. That...that's Zornstar's music. Redskins (-13.5) over the Rams by 2 touchdowns, 2 field goals and one giant bukakke....

Carolina (+1.5) @ Tampa Bay
You know whats I dont like about the MLB playoffs this year? No Ozzie Gullien. Sure, that guy's a dick and and complete nutjob, but its the fun kind of nutjob. You're never quite sure whether he's going to call a closeted writer gay (He'd have a field day with the Wheelhosers) or headbutt his closer as he takes the mound to close out a game. It's a good kind of crazy. Contrast that with Jon Gruden's kind of crazy and you begin to see the difference. Gruden's a micro-manager who completely over thinks just about any situation his team is involved in. For example: During the Bucs-Packers game a couple weeks ago I was talking to one of my old roomates and he asked me what I thought the Bucs would do on 3rd and goal from the 3 yard line. I replied that I wasn't sure of the playcall but I was sure that two tight ends would be involved and at least two men would be put in motion prior to the snap. Well, guess what happened? The Bucs came out with a WR split right and a tight end over the right tackle with another tight end over the left tackle. Once the Bucs got set, the WR moved in motion to the left and split out wide which was followed by the tight end on the left splitting out into the slot next to the WR, which was followed by the tight end from the right moving to the left and setting up over the left tackle. Once all these things had taken place, the Bucs ran a HB dive with Warrick Dunn (who's not their power back...I swear to god, Earnest Graham must have knocked up Gruden's wife, 10 fucking carries in Denver last week? Seriously Gruden...fuck off.) who ended up gaining a yard. Seriously...is all, hell, is any of that necessary for a HB dive? Watching the Gruden version of the West Coast offense is going to drive me back to meth one of these days.

Of course, Carolina doesn't do any of this shit. They just line up and beat you with their playmakers (Which is part of the problem I guess, the Bucs lack playmakers in a major way. During the Packer game the same old roommate and I tried to determine who the Bucs would use in their version of the Wildcat offense. We drew a blank. Honestly, try and find 3 guys on that offense who are dynamic enough to be involved in that type of offense...not gonna happen). As long as Steve Smith isn't on my fantasy team he's a beast, Muhsin Muhammad is rejuvenated and the Williams-Stewart combo is probably the leagues' best young tailback tandem. I can't figure out why the Bucs are favored here, but I do know its far too late in the afternoon for me to be this sober on my birthday so I might as well wrap this up. Take the points, and take the Panthers.

Why does 31 feel so much older than 30?

For those of you that don't know, I'm turned 31 today. As luck would have it my birthday always falls within a few days of the annual Florida-LSU football game. A game that has become increasingly important nationally in recent years. When I was a student at UF, the Gators usually dominated LSU, and then as Saban brought the Tigers back to prominence and Towlie (aka Zook) did his best to destroy Florida's program one heartbreaking loss at a time the pendulum swung the other way. However, in recent years this game has become one of the highlights of the SEC schedule. A inter-division battle that takes place every single year (each SEC team only plays one opposite division opponent each and every year with the other two games rotating every two years) between two of the conference's highest profile programs. In terms of hype and talent level, you can't ask for much more than this game provides. Plus, there really no conference that can compare to the SEC...dont' believe me? Name another conference where they fire offensive coordinators 5 games into their career. The fact that this year's game features each of the last two National Champions only serves to increase the level of anticipation amongst college football fans.

So when it came time to decide what I wanted to do for my birthday, well, it wasn't a very hard decision. Let's go to Gainesville, lets get blind drunk for a few days and lets hope Florida can beat LSU in the Swamp. This game being a night game in the Swamp is just icing on the cake. There is nothing, nothing that I enjoy more than big games in the Swamp at night. The atmosphere is electric, the air is crisp and, more often than not, the games are unreal.

Of course, this year's game has taken on even more importance after Florida's loss to Ole Miss a couple of weeks ago. In order to keep pace in the SEC East, Florida must win on Saturday. At this point, Florida stills controls its own destiny in the conference title chase. However, a loss to LSU would leave Florida in a position of having to win out and hope that teams like UGA and Vandy (I know, I can't believe I just typed that either) take another loss. Simply put, Florida's season is on the line. Not only that but Florida's season is on the line against a team whose biggest strength (D-Line) happens to line up against what, up until now, has been Florida's biggest weakness (O-Line, specifically the interior).

Florida's has had trouble keeping Miami and Ole Miss' defenses out of its backfield thus far this season and neither of those defenses come close to matching the talent level or depth of LSU. On top of that, Florida will be starting a 3rd string guard (who's really a tackle) this weekend in Carl Johnson. If you were Ricky Jean-Francois and you knew all this, wouldn't you be talking a little smack too? As often is the case in tightly contested SEC games, this game will come down to the trenches. Can Florida give Tebow enough time to run the zone read, as well as find men downfield in the passing game? Can the Gator defense stop Charles Scott and the rest of the LSU tailbacks from running wild and force freshman QB Jarrett Lee into obvious passing situations? Finally, can the Gators grind out the tough inside yardage that has been harder to come by this year than any year since Tebow stepped on campus?

To be perfectly honest, I have my doubts. LSU is a tough team to try and "get right" against any year, but especially this year with the talent they possess along the D-Line and at the offensive skill positions (Demetrius Byrd is the most underrated WR in the SEC, possibly the country) this year. However, Florida's back is against the wall and they'll be playing at home in front of a packed house at 8 pm. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility here. This game could define this season and, to a degree, Tebow's legacy as a Florida QB (The Heisman is great but he needs to win a SEC Championship to truly cement his legacy in this program) or it could end up exposing Florida as a flawed team who will lose 3-4 games this year. I dont have a damn clue which way this will go. I'm just glad I'll be there in person to find out.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to me. I may be old, short and bald but at least I'm not as old as Whitney or as short as Rob.

Best I Could Do

I looked diligently this morning for something to take our minds off the impending implosion of our way of life. I think this is about as far afield from financial woes as is humanly possible to achieve without hallucinogens.

This Day in Monkees History


On this day in 1964, Peter Tork makes his television debut today as a sideman with the Phoenix Singers who perform three songs ("Run Come See," "Song Of The Land" and "Glory Glory") on the Canadian folk program Let's Sing Out. Not long after this broadcast, the group will perform a fundraising show in Denver for the LBJ presidential campaign. Following this gig, Tork has a falling-out with the group and is subsequently asked to leave.On this day in 1966, the NBC television network airs episode #5 of The Monkees series, "The Spy Who Came In From The Cool."

Off-Day Chatter

It's common knowledge that there are only two days in the calendar year in which none of the four major sports has a game on the schedule: the day before and the day after baseball's All-Star Game. On those two days/nights surrounding the Midsummer Classic, it's nearly impossible to watch live sports of any consequence. But the lull is just a pair of days in the middle of the summer. No big deal.

Alas, this "knowledge" proved fallible over the past two nights. Nary a sporting event from the Big 4, nor from the Lesser 12 (you can figure out which those are yourself). Tough times for the sports addict.

ESPN has no idea how to handle this dearth of results. Observe ESPN.com's "news" this morning:

The big story: a(nother) preview of the ALCS/NLCS, fleshed out with Manny Ramirez being insulted by a guy who played big league ball during the Eisenhower Administration (not a joke) and some ankle-deep insight by Rob Neyer that is wholly surpassed by Rob & Nick at MLC. (Meanwhile, TJ and I will be spending more of our October over here at G:TB, of course.)

The other breaking news, in full:

* Police: Cowboys' Pacman in fight at hotel
* Dice-K, Shields will start in ALCS Game 1
* Man indicted in killing of Broncos' Williams
* McCarver: Manny's Boston act 'despicable'
* Report: Pats' Brady has left knee surgery
* Sputtering Auburn fires coordinator Franklin
* 'Embarrassed' McNabb assails Eagles' play
* Source: Cowboys' Newman out with sports hernia
* OJ rents Season 1 DVD's of 'Prison Break'
* Colts' Harrison faces 100K suit over Philly shooting
* Holyfield, 45, on brink of world-title shot at Valuev

In a nutshell: over the last 48 hours, some people did some talking, some things happened in a courtroom, some people didn't play sports because they're hurt, some people went to the doctor, some more people did some more talking, some people didn't like all the talking and got in a fight about it, and a guy who boxed at the same Olympics where Zola Budd tripped Mary Decker and Mary Lou Retton captured the world's heart with her gymnastic perfection and her winsome smile (also not a joke . . . that smile was a real heart-melter, I tell you) is going to fight again.

Please, people, bring back your games, your competitions, your contests, your feats of skill and strength, your thrills of victory, your agonies of defeat, your silly, knees-bent, running-about, advancing behavior. If only so ESPN.com doesn't look so much like Page 6.

Play ball. Gentlemen, start your engines. Let's get ready to rumble. Game on.

The Right Stuff

While we all eagerly await Teejay's New Kids on the Block concert review, the G:TB editorial staff wants to make sure our readers are prepared to properly celebrate. Thanks to the always-helpful folks at WikiHow, a few tips on properly breaking it down:

How to Do the 6 Step (Breakdancing)

1. From a pushup position, extend right leg under left. Lean on the outside of your right shoe. Take your left hand off the floor.
2. Put your right leg over your left leg (around your left knee).
3. Go into the crab position. Bring your right leg out from behind your left leg. Plant your right foot down next to your left foot (shoulder width apart). Put your left hand on the floor behind you.
4. Bring your left leg behind your right leg (around your left knee). Lean on the outside of your left shoe. Lift your right hand up.
5. Move your right leg behind you.
6. Extend your left leg back and put your right hand down, going into a pushup position again.
   
   Variation:
   
   Do everything as above except that instead of going into the crab position, put only your right hand on the floor behind you (not both). When you go to the next step, you quickly switch your hands (lift your right hand off the floor, put your left hand down as you're moving your legs).

The helpful WikiHowers would also note that proper stretching is critical to the success of this move.

I guarantee one of you knows how to do this. My money's on Zoltan.

Whitneypedia / G:TB Artist of the... Time Period

From time to time we at Gheorghe: The Blog and Music Authority receive inquiries asking, "What's that song . . . ?" Occasionally you aren't just singing Replacements lyrics, you're actually posing a question. More and more these days, you want to know what song is the backdrop to television commercials, because, frankly, there's more and more cash money being dished out by companies to acquire good songs for their ads.

The argument as to whether this practice is "selling out" by musicians is a rather circular and pointless one, and that's not what we're here today to discuss. Instead, we choose to focus on one artist who is currently defying all conventional wisdom and maintaining her cool street cred while ostensibly being just this side of Wayne Newton in terms of commercializing herself.

Her name is Cat Power. Actually, that's not true, her given name is Charlyn Marshall, and she's known to friends and family as Chan Marshall, but her stage name is Cat Power. Fairly uncommon are the rabid fans of both major league baseball and indie rock, but those of you straddling both categories have undoubtedly thought of Cat Power just about every time Cubs pitcher (and former VCU standout) Sean Marshall was mentioned during a telecast. (Alas, that's not happening much these days with the Cubbies bowing out gracelessly.) Oh, and I recently read that Sean Marshall's nickname in some circles is "Coolcat." Coincidence? . . . Yep.

But I digress. I've been a fan of Ms. Marshall's for a handful of years, mostly because her sultry voice matches her slender physique in fetching sexiness. I caught her at the 9:30 Club a few years ago, and though her stage act wasn't quite as sonically sharp as her studio work, she's well worth watching. If you want a quick sampler of her work, try the songs "He War," "The Greatest," "Love & Communication," "Cross Bones Style," or "I Don't Blame You." (And most of her work is available via eMusic, for those who utilize that.)

Cat Power has also become the queen of the covers. She released a covers record in 2000 called . . . well, The Covers Record. (Check out "Sea of Love" or "Satisfaction.") In January of this year she did another one entitled Jukebox. ("New York" is a nice rendition.) A third -- an EP, actually -- is coming out in December; it's reported she covers The Pogues, which can't be a bad thing. Clearly putting her own spin on old tunes is becoming her thing.

Now, much has been written (by me) already about cover songs and how they can either be executed deftly or bungled. For the most part, Chan Marshall's work in this area is inventive and new, and for that, she's commended and the tunes are recommended. Still, leaning too much on other people's work is risky business: you could be the next Elvis, or you could be the next latter-day UB40. (To sample UB40 when they were a brilliant young reggae act with something to say and not a tired cover band, try "Food for Thought" or "Tyler".)

Even more dangerous, Ms. Marshall has begun covering parts of songs for :30 spots on TV. Have a listen to her work for

DeBeers (covering Cat Stevens):

Cingular (covering Blondie's cover of The Nerves):

Lincoln (covering Bowie):

Throughout it all, I'd say Cat Power acquits herself fairly well in each instance. In fact, I wouldn't mind getting ahold of the full tracks in each case . . . except that they don't exist. She only bothered to record the thirtysecond snippet. Damn her efficiency.

At any rate, now you know the woman behind the voice behind those commercials. And the next time one comes on the tube, you'll tell a friend, yeah, that's Cat Power. And they'll say, "What, like the diesel engines?"

Fashion is dumb...continued

A model wears a creation by French fashion designer Pierre Cardin during the presentation of his entire Spring-Summer 2009 and Autumn-Winter 2009 collections at his villa in Theoule sur Mer, southern France, Monday, Oct. 6, 2008.

Why didn't someone tell me the blueberry quesadilla Starter jacket was back in style?

Hey Alanis, THIS is Irony (I think)

I was going to leave it alone, really I was. I mean, how much prime real estate should I honestly waste in G:TB-land on this guy. But then I saw this, and just had to say something:

"O.J. Simpson was so confident that he was going to beat the rap again that he had an acquittal party planned, it was learned.

Simpson associate Thomas Riccio, after an in-studio interview Friday with radio talk-show host Anthony Crivello and retired Las Vegas police detective Phil Ramos, invited them to join O.J.'s entourage at an undisclosed location.

Honestly, the arrogance never ceases to amaze me. Then again, after the fucking shit he got away with last time, why would he feel the need to worry? Luckily for Rollie Goldman and all the Orenthal Haters out there (you know who you are), Karma and Irony teamed up for an all-time classic duet Friday night. But first, a leap back in time...

October 3, 1995 - Orenthal James Simpson is acquitted of beheading his ex-wife and her waiter "friend" Ron Goldman.

October 3, 2008 - Orenthal James Simpson, thirteen years to the day after making a mockery of the judicial system, is convicted of 12 charges (including conspiracy to commit a crime, robbery, assault and kidnapping with a deadly weapon) for his role in the worst planned heist ever. The Apple Dumpling Gang had more success robbing folks.


Oh, why the sad face O.J.? Goodbye for now Juice...but come December 5th, I'll be tuned in to see if you get life, you miserable sack of shit. Good luck in isolation the next two months...and don't drop the soap.

Return of the Ceai

From the Department of the Blinding Fucking Obvious, courtesy of The Atlantic Monthly:

How do you like your booze: to stay or to go? Whether residents of a given neighborhood prefer patronizing bars or liquor stores to get smashed has a
significant impact on patterns of violent crime and disorderly conduct, a study
by the Urban Institute finds. The researchers mapped 1,473 alcohol-selling
establishments in the District of Columbia, and then tracked the
relationship between the type of outlet and “violence and disorder,” using
measures like arrests and 911 calls. Not surprisingly, the more establishments
selling spirits in a neighborhood, the more general mayhem occurs. But
neighborhoods with a lot of outlets offering liquor to go (like corner stores)
tend to experience more domestic violence, while neighborhoods with a high
number of sites that let customers drink on the premises (like bars and
restaurants) tend to have many more reports of aggravated assault. Although pubs
are “attractors of violence” generally, the study shows that bar districts see
considerably fewer reports of domestic violence, suggesting that drinkers may be
taking their anger out on the loudmouth on the next bar stool—rather than in the
home.

But in Teejay and Mark's neighborhoods, merchants report significant increase in Funyun and Taco Bell sales on weekends. And weekdays.

G:TB's Week 5 NFL Picks: The Keyser Soze of Sex

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.

Seattle at NY Giants (-7.5)
No Plaxi, no laundry. Seattle’s D keeps them in this one, forcing the Giants to run the ball for small chunks of yards. While I don’t expect the ‘Hawks to win, this will be a game of ball control and field goals (and probably a couple turnovers per side). Giants 16, Seahawks 13.

Indianapolis at Houston (+3.5)
This line offends me. I can only assume Peyton Manning will take exception as well. The Colts have had 2 weeks to rest and iron out the early season wrinkles. Our boy Steve Slaton will probably have over 150 multipurpose yards, but the Texans’ dormant passing attack will rear its ugly head once again. And they’ll need to air it out if they hope to stay with the baby horses. No chance. Colts win 31-13.

Chicago @ Detroit (+3)
Martin Mull, Martin Lawrence, Martin(a) Navratilova, Ricky Martin, Martin Gramatica, Billy Martin, Martin McFly, Steve Martin, Mark Martin, Martin Scorcese, Martin Brodeur, and Martin Van Buren all have the same chance of guiding the Lions to success this season as new GM Martin Mayhew. Except Gramatica. He's awful. Bears cover big.

Atlanta at Green Bay (-7)
I like Green Bay to cover at home against Atlanta. Matt Ryan has yet to impress me, while Rodgers and his sneaky enormous nose have shown something. Too many folks are quick to dismiss the Pack's chances with a banged-up Rodgers or a green Matt Flynn at the helm. Look for the Pack to remind folks that the Falcons suck. (Note - Rhymo is far too busy rescuing the American economy from sure catastrophe, or at least from a severe reduction in bonuses to Wall Street execs, to give us his normal biting humor. Funny stuff to resume next week, pending restoration of America's financial might.)

Sorry I'm late but trying to get TJ and Rob to effectively communicate is like trying to get Nick Saban to stop spreading baby blood on his English muffins in the morning...a lost cause. Anyway...

Cincinnati (+17) @ Dallas
You know how you can tell this is one of those really strange NFL seasons? J.T. O'Sullivan isn't the league's least likely multi-week starting QB less than halfway through the season. No, that honor goes to Harvard's own Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sure, Carson Palmer's listed as questionable but the only thing questionable about Palmer this week is whether or not he's going to even bother wearing a headset to hear the offensive calls while on the sideline this Sunday. Why in God's name isn't he doing everything short of fucking Marvin Lewis' St. Bernard in order to get traded away from this moribund franchise? I understand that he's the franchise player and all, but I bet he could manage to convince the Bengals to trade him if he cut a hole in the top of Levi Jones' car and pissed all over the interior. Is that completely wrong and over the top? Yes. Would it be worth it to get the hell out of the seventh level of football hell he currently resides in? Fuck and yes.

I mean, he does realize he's wasting the prime of his career playing in a shitty town on a team full of miscreants and uninspired jackasses whilst being coached by the most overrated coordinator this side of Dave Wannstedt, right? Honestly, has any coordinator turned one great season into a more lucrative career than Lewis? Are we really so sure that Wade Phillips or Dick LeBeau couldn't have done just as good (or better) of a job with that absolutely loaded Ravens defense? Nothing I've seen in the past 7 years has me convinced. What I'm saying here is, despite the completely ludicrous line, take the damn Cowboys.

Happy Birthday Dave!

Many of you remember October 3, 1951 as the day of Bobby Thomson's famous home run. Not us here at G:TB. We remember it as the birth date of a true American hero. A man drafted by four teams in three professional sports. A man who killed Rawlings baseballs with his bat, killed Canadian birds with his rocket arm, and tried to kill American fans by hurling his bat at fans sitting along the third base line.

Happy birthday to David Mark Winfield, the pride of Minnesota. We salute you by posting a picture of your 1974 Topps rookie card.

It's Aliiiiive!

As the G:TB motto goes, self-seriousness is one of our favorite tilting windmills. But we’re not so deluded as to claim that we’re above a little lack of perspective ourselves. Nowhere is that more apparent than our oft-encompassing love of our favorite sports teams. For me, balance and rationality head for the exits where the Red Sox are concerned. Mark huddles into a little ball and sings nursery rhymes when Tim Tebow takes the field. Teejay and Rhymo put on fireman’s helmets and scream J-E-T-S in unison. Dennis thinks Joe Paterno is a saint. And Whitney, well, Whitney’s a Mets fan. We just generally leave him alone in the corner, muttering to himself.

No group of people in our society outside of the navel-gazing lunatics in Congress fails the self-seriousness test more often than sports fans. In the great tradition of Dr. Frankenstein, or at least of Gene Wilder’s characterization, G:TB’s crack team of scientists spent almost 15 minutes in the laboratory (luh-borr-a-torry) to sew together the most egregiously annoying and grating characteristics of Fannicus Americanus (we left the racist hooliganism of the European soccer fan for a future experiment). Behold, FrankenFan.

We started with a little bit of Red Sox Fan's Bandwagon Douchebaggery. Sister site Misery Loves Company weighed in on this earlier in the year, and the situation hasn’t improved. It’s a painfully acknowledged truth that the growth of Red Sox Nation over the past 5 years has been measured in both numbers and arrogant doucheyness. I’m not saying I condone the increasing hatred of Sox fans, but in the words of the great Chris Rock, I understand.

Eagle Fan's Contemptible Sportsmanship adds a necessary element of just plain ugliness to the mix. Start with an entire population’s inferiority complex, add nearly 30 years of major championship drought, stir in a toxic blend of South Jersey-style machismo, and top with the most inflammatory and reactionary local sports media in America, et voila – loudmouth boorishness nonpareil.

No self-respecting undead sportszombie would be complete without Yankee Fan's Insufferable Sense of Entitlement. Our monster will rise from the table uttering “I can’t believe how bad we got screwed by injuries this year. Oh, and Jetuh’s the best friggin’ shortstop in the history of the game”.

Cowboy Fan’s Susceptibility to Manipulation is particularly critical. Generations of insecure kids have been swayed by the big shiny star and the national media infatuation with ‘America’s Team’, selling their fathers and regional loyalty down the river for a few shiny baubles. FrankenFan’s gotta have a little of that lack of spine and front-running mentality.

Since we need to dress our creation, Raider Fan's Twisted Furry Fetish will come in handy. We’ll load him up with game-worn Black Hole Halloween costumes so he won’t be so conspicuous in the midst of a gaggle of loathsome losers.

National Fan's Narcissistic Head-Swivel is a useful physical characteristic. The monster’s gonna need to network, so he’ll master the D.C. cocktail party/ballgame staple move – I’m pretending to care about what you say while really looking past you to find the more important people in the room/stands.

Dodger Fan’s Broken Watch is the final piece of clothing we’ll strap on our buddy before we send him out into the world. We can’t have him showing up to Chavez Ravine (gasp!) on time for a game.

Brave Fan’s Negligent Indifference and Lack of Originality is probably the most important quality with which we’ll imbue FrankenFan. The ability to be both ignorant and spoiled is uniquely the province of Atlanta baseball “fans” – combine it with a borderline racist rallying cry that was stolen from Florida State and you’ve got a must-have creature feature.

Finally, and importantly, because our little guy is headed out into an uncaring world representing us, FrankenFan will have G:TB’s Coastal Elitism. Nearly all the attributes above come from fans securely out of flyover country. Midwesterners are so cute and non-threatening that we can’t bring ourselves to insult them. Although that may change when we build Bride of FrankenFan, College Edition.