Copious amount of ennui spiked with dangerous levels of work-related stress have kept Team G:TB off the scoreboard for much of the week, so our newest filler concept is doing yeoman's work.
Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: I don't have a great deal of snark to toss Muddy's way - the Mudcats' logo is killer. I'd want some gear, as a matter of fact, if it weren't for the red/black/grey thing we've already discussed. Carry on, Mudcats, you've got the G:TB Seal of Approval.
Opening Day's now a mere week away, even as we stubbornly cling to the last threads of the basketball season. And while my colleagues search in seeming vain for the press releases detailing the Cauc Hop's Final Four results (a real stunner, in one case), I return to our ongoing celebration of the not-quite corporate.
Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: Though Los Alamos, NM is but a plutonium stone's throw from Albuquerque (we're assuming this to be true, as we're not paid enough to actually research and confirm this - in that respect, we're a lot like Bill O'Reilly, other than the 'paid enough' part), we're convinced that the 'topes name is a not-so-subtle homage to Matt Groening's legendary franchise. We're mostly convinced of this because it's actually the case. After readers of the Albuquerque Tribune voted overwhelmingly in 2003 to name the team the Isotopes, team President Ken Young admitted that the name was initially inspired by The Simpsons. Which brings us to one of the things we love the most about minor league baseball, namely the general lack of pretension and bias towards whimsy in comparison with the big-time version of the game. If Abe Pollin only had a smidgen of that bias, we wouldn't be saddled with the dreadful Wizards (name and performance interchangeable).
Woke up quick at about noon Just thought that I had to turn on CBS soon I gotta get drunk before the day begin Before Jay Bilas starts fellating Louisville's wings...
OK gang, Sweet 16 action tonight. Here's the schedule:
EAST (Boston) 7:27pm: Pittsburgh (30-4) v. Xavier (30-6) 9:57pm: Duke (30-6) v. Villanova (28-7) AKA Dennis vs TJ/TR (multiple cases of brew dogs on the line) WEST (Glendale) 7:07pm: Connecticut (29-4) v. Purdue (27-9) 9:37pm: Missouri (30-6) v. Memphis (33-3)
Of course, this post is missing something. Hmmm, what could it be? Ah yes, the appropriate tube of you...well, in honor of today being the 30th anniversary of Bird vs. Magic, I thought I'd bring you one of their most epic duels:
They've made a live-action film of the greatest children's book ever written. And Spike Jonze directed it. I am far more excited for this than a man my age should be. So excited that I'm ending sentences with prepositions, in fact. Let the wild rumpus start, indeed.
Following closely on the heels of rob's Lugnuts post, and his profession of love for Cowboy Cafe's hamburgers, comes this gem courtesy of the Grand Rapids Press. It appears the Class A West Michigan Whitecaps will be selling a burger specifically for their health conscious fans this year:
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) - Well, at least the salsa is low-cal. The West Michigan Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team, will be offering up major league cholesterol, carbohydrates and calories in an enormous hamburger being added to the menu this year at the Fifth Third Ballpark.
The 4-pound, $20 burger features five beef patties, five slices of cheese, nearly a cup of chili and liberal doses of salsa and corn chips, all on an 8-inch sesame-seed bun. That's a lot of dough!
The Grand Rapids Press reports that anyone who eats the entire 4,800-calorie behemoth in one sitting will receive a special T-shirt. Saner fans can divide it up with a pizza cutter and share.
An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from traveling.
In the midst of celebrating tournaments of all colors and sizes, we've managed to largely ignore the rapidly approaching return of our national pastime. (We'll stipulate that baseball isn't really our national pastime any longer in an effort to cut off pointless debate. We all know that our national pastime is football. And making fun of Dick Cheney.) With Opening Day a mere 12 days away, we turn our attention for a moment to a celebration of elysian fields and pastoral pursuits. Briefly, because there'a a whole mess of basketball to watch this weekend.
As we eagerly await the beginning of another campaign, Team G:TB commemorates the occasion with the introduction of yet another recurring feature destined to stop recurring. We call this one Know Your Minor League Mascot. If we need to explain it, perhaps a different blog may be more your speed. We hear Michelle Malkin's just started accepting readers who breathe through their noses.
Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: No team with the rallying cry, "Go Nuts" can be all bad, right? Combine that with a mascot named Big Lug (points subtracted for the absurdly provenanced dinosaurish execution of said mascot), and Lansing's minor league squad gets high marks for local relevance and ironic self-deprecation. We're generally not huge fans of the Nuts' red/gray/black color scheme, but we defer again to the tie with the locality-specific automotive/grease theme, even as we couldn't identify a lugnut if we were offered $100. We fear creeping anachronism for the Nuts, as their benefactors in the petrol/auto industry face impending doom, but even then, the Ultra Thin Solar Panels will be as shitty a team name as it is now.
Two great days and nights of hoops, two Gheorghe posts with prodigious comments sections. It's the most wonderful time of the year, so let's run it back once again today.
Do It Again... a number of rock and roll songs with this title have been written and recorded. The G:TB reader's survey poll results are in:
#3 - The Beach Boys
#2 - The Kinks
and the #1 . . . Yacht Rock's own Steely Dan
If you're hung over (and you should be), this is just surreal and mesmerizing. Enjoy.
After the solid effort produced yesterday by all members of the Gheorghosphere, I felt you earned this. Happy Spring, Happy Tourney Day 2...and Happy Me, because soon Dennis and I will be hitting the road with the Commodore for some Atlantic City fun.
T-minus a half-hour or so until the 2009 NCAA men's basketball championship tournament begins -- not counting the stirring Tuesday night action. Here's a little something to get the blood flowing... (not in that way, TJ, you perv).
And now, some words of wisdom from Mark, who promises he wrote this at a desk and not on a commode:
For the first time since I graduated high school I won't be planted on my couch for the first games of the NCAA Tournament. See, I got roped into working an event for one of my clients today. Now, because I neglected to thoroughly check my calendar, I'll be working while the March Madness kicks off. What's worse is that my City League Basketball season kicks off tonight at 6:30 as well. Seriously, who the fuck would schedule the opening night of a basketball league for the most exciting day of the year for basketball fans? Anyway, the moral of the story is that I won't be watching nearly as much basketball today (or tomorrow for that matter) as I want to be. So, since I can't watch the tournament I may as well write about it, right? What follows are some of my quick thoughts on the 4 days of basketball nirvana.
- You hear it every year, guards are the key to doing well in March. So, why then is everyone so high on Louisville this year? Their guards are uninspiring, erratic and the weakness of their team yet it seems that everybody has decided to disregard this fact. It may not catch up to them this weekend but it will at some point before the Final Four. If you want to take the Cardinals, be my guest. I'm not putting my money on Edgar Sosa and Andre McGee. No way.
- Speaking of the influence on guards on a Big East team, Jerome Dyson's injury will eventually prove to be UConn's undoing. You could make the case that Dyson was UConn's most valuable player prior to his injury. Not only was he their leading scorer, but he also happened to be the only big guard on their roster (Price, Walker and Austrie are all PGs). His size, athleticism and defensive ability were unlike any player on the Huskies roster and gave them an added dimension that complimented their stout interior play and the terrific ball-handling and playmaking ability of the rest of the UConn guards. I still think the Huskies can make the Final Four but they won't be cutting down the nets in Detroit.
- Everybody has teams that have repeatedly burned them in March (the Kittles/Lawson Villanova teams were my first taste of this) and thus influences the way your bracket's picks play out. For me, these teams are Pitt and Michigan State. As much as I want to pick Pitt this year, I've had them kill me with a 2 or 3rd round loss far too often to pin my hopes on the Panthers. As for the Spartans, I've finally reached the point where I can't, in good conscience pick against Tom Izzo and Co. until at least the Elite Eight. I don't know how he does it, but Izzo's got the right formula for March and I'm taking Michigan State deep into the tourney, even if I think the Big Ten is vastly overrated.
- Lost in all the talk about Ty Lawson's toe injury (by the way, anybody who makes fun of a toe injury has never had a serious one - I broke my toe late last year and couldn't cut or plant without pain for months.) is the emergence of Wayne Ellington for UNC. There's no doubt that the Tarheels need Lawson to go all the way, but Lawson's health won't matter if Ellington can't continue to play at the level he's been at for the last couple months. Ellington's always been a terrific shooter but he's now confidently taking people off the dribble and using his underrated athleticism to finish at the rim. It seems strange to say this, but Tyler Hansbrough is probably the third most important player for UNC during the tournament.
- A couple more notes on Carolina: (1) Backup PG Larry Drew, Jr. has easily the worst hairline in college basketball. Even Ron Artest thinks that Larry needs an edge up. (2) Freshman Ed Davis will be the ACC POY within the next 2 years. Despite looking like an 8th grader, Davis is a beast on the block with a lefty jump hook that he can shoot from up to 10 feet out.
- VCU is a popular pick and rightfully so. Eric Maynor is a pro, Larry Sanders is the ever so rare dominant mid-major big man and Anthony Grant is a terrific coach. However, UCLA is a bad matchup for the Rams. UCLA's going to throw both Darren Collison and Jrue Holiday at Maynor all day long and I expect their presence to bother him and force him to shoot a low percentage. As for Sanders, well, this ain't the CAA anymore. While he's a very good big man, the size and athleticism of guys like Alfred Aboya will bother Sanders just enough to allow a pretty average UCLA team to squeak out a victory.
- A lot of people are taking Utah St. over Marquette due to Dominic James' injury. Well, if that's going to happen (and I think it is) you'll become well acquainted with Luke Babbit. Babbit is a local kid who was a McDonald's All-American last year and chose to stay close to home and attend Utah State. He's big (6'9"), skilled and versatile. Look for him to give Lazar Heyward and Marquette all they can handle in the 1st round.
Okay, unfortunately I have to get going, but I promise that I'll be back later on today with thoughts on some 5-12 upsets, Syracuse, St. Marys and the impact of injuries on seedings/tournament entries as well as a rundown of teams I like and don't like. Enjoy the day, and see if you can't sneak out of work early while you're at it.
As if we weren't already late to the party with any sort of bracket talk, rob has to go and post about the Pope this morning. Something needed to bump that down the page, and that something is me coming to you via blackberry while sitting on the can. That's right folks, here are some rambling, rather incoherent thoughts about this year's NCAA Tournament, typed while sitting in the john. The post ends when I start losing feeling in my legs. Let's call it the "Shitter Twitter" for fun (be prepared for horrendous spelling errors, a complete lack of capitalization, and mercifully for you, no links or clips...IT won't give me a damn media card for my bberry):
*siena is beating ohio state. thought i'd get that out of the way first and foremost. unfortunately, seth davis and many other "pundits" agree with me, possibly leading to the reverse jinx. speaking of the reverse jinx...
*vcu will not be beating ucla. sorry resident caa pole smoker rob, but the maynor magic is not to be this year. i just don't see a club with a bunch of dudes who have been to three straight final fours losing in the first round, even though i recognize they're not as good as in previous years.
*tr and tj will be winning their bet with dennis, though i forget if it was duke winning two games or three games in this tourney. texas might not get them, but villanova will.
*i'm pretty sure the big ten is poop (see, it took me that long to make a poop joke...where's my award ribbon?) and i see first round loses for the aforementioned ohio state, minny (to tx), wisconsin (to toney douglas, er florida state) and yes, the 12/5 upset western ky over illinois. illinois' point guard has a broken right hand. he's right handed. and these clowns lost a game this year 38-33. come on.
*michael jack should be happy, because i actually buy into the whole "unique systems win tourney games" and thus think beilein and his 1-3-1 will give clemson fits. just don't leave oglesby open.
*i have absolutely no clue if washington is any good. yes, they won the pac 10, and yes, they have a very good big man who could probably carry them a long way. but jarvis varnardo (sp?) might just decide to go dwight howard on the huskies in round 1 and drop a 19/22/7 on them.
*obviously, i love the big east, and have a lot of their teams advancing a long way. not so fast marquette. you can just stop right there. no dominic james, no marquette. take utah st, even though none of us can name a guy on that team.
*if ty lawson's toe is really hurt, carolina has no chnace to win this thing. if any team gets dejuan blair in trouble, pitt can't win this thing. if mempis has to shoot free throws to win a game, they're done too.
*butler is good. very good. they have one of the top three freshman in the country, some white dude i would call hummel 2.0, but he might be better than hummel. i say they take down lsu and give carolina a game in round 2.
*let's knock off this crap about whether syracuse will be rested or exhausted when the tourney begins. these are young kids playing in the dance with almost a week of rest. you think they won't be ready for the dance? sweet 16 for sure for jhonny and mullet boy and woman face puncher and worst free throw shooter ever.
*ok, i'll give my final four teams later...riggs just came into the bathroom to get me off the john. apparently it is wired to an explosive device.
It's March Madness eve, and all is well with the world. So, naturally, my thoughts turn to...organized religion?
I'm a simple man. A short, simple man. I seek not to reap a whirlwind or tug on Superman's cape. Just tilt at a windmill every now and again, and usually an inconsequential one. Today, though, my teapot is atempest.
I grew up a Christian, attending church every Sunday with my family. I still consider myself one, at least in spirit, though I long ago parted with the organized church in a one-sided protest against the confluence of religion and politics. My youngest daughter attends an Episcopal preschool like her sister before her, and I value the lessons both were taught about the Golden Rule and the deep value of love and mercy.
There's a reason, though, friends, that Americans are running from religion in droves and that reason lies squarely in the hypocritical, self-preserving heart of the organized church. No less an authority than Pope Benedict XVI this week told the world's Catholics that condoms are not a solution to the AIDS crisis in Africa; rather, they promote the spread of disease. This is a far more complicated issue than I have the time or understanding to address completely (and you have the interest in reading from this blog), but the Cliff's Notes version is easy. Dogma trumps compassion. Power is more important than progress. This, sadly, is the story of organized religion for a lot longer than I've been ranting ineffectually against it.
If you don't hear much from me after this, you'll know that the Swiss Guards found me and I'm deep in the bowels of the Vatican being reeducated. Send Teejay after me - he looks really Irish-Catholic. Enjoy the tournament.
With all of the other hype focused on the "other March Madness," The Cauc Hop resumed today, with Round 2 offering as much scintillating action as the first round did. Have a look for yourself . . .
Eminem (1) vs. Bubba Sparxxx (8)
As the #1 entry, Eminem was unchallenged by the 16-seed Brian Austin Green. In the second round, however, it was a whole different story.
No. No, it wasn't. Bubba Sparxxx launched into "Deliverance," only to have Eminem to quip, "You got a pretty mouth, boy." The pasty hillbilly foolishly insinuated that Eminem was just Dre's puppet, only to be beaten down with a flurry of clever lyrical barbs involving incest, rednecks, and Bubba's own reliance on the Ying Yang Twins. It got "Ugly" early for Bubba.
Eminem continued on mercilessly, managing to heap insults on Bubba's girlfriend, family, friends, home state of Georgia, and everyone who ever dwelled south of the Mason-Dixon line. He went after Sparxxx for failing to bow down and pay respects . . . and then ripped Michael Jackson and Moby just for kicks.
Eminem won handily, though everyone in the arena wondered whether he ran up the score not for lack of respect for the young hip-hopster but because he's still irate at his peeps who leaked his latest album to the Net. Either way, he moves on.
House of Pain (5) vs. 3rd Bass (4)
The battle of "What have you done for me lately?" appeared to match two one-hit wonders from the early 90's . . . well, it appeared so to the Yo! MTV Raps crowd who only wanted to hear "Jump Around" and "Pop Goes the Weasel." The House book-ended their set of largely uninspired Celt-rap numbers like "Top O' the Mornin' to Ya" and "Shamrocks & Shenanigans" with "Jump Around" and . . . "Jump Around." With a paper-thin catalog, this is what happens.
Anyone looking for more of the same from the derelicts of dialect was more than pleasantly surprised with the outcome. After opening with the aforementioned crowd-pleaser to get it out of the way, 3rd Bass ran through a reading of the entire Cactus Album. From "Steppin' to the AM" to "Brooklyn - Queens" to "Wordz of Wizdom," the law was laid down by Serch, the Prime Minister, and DJ Richie Rich. (It's worth noting that the latter inspired the rap name of one of G:TB's own -- DJ Robbie Robb -- in 1991. He was accompanied by another Gheorgher -- "Honky Dory" -- and Friend of Gheorghe "D. Pave.")
It turned out to be a decidedly one-sided affair. In desperation, Everlast shoved his Housemates offstage and attempted to turn the tide by cranking out "What It's Like," but the officials intervened, pointing to the Cauc Hop ruling that states that entries are selected for either their group or solo work, not both. Whitey Ford played under protest, but 3rd Bass moves on the the semis in impressive fashion.
Slug (14) vs. The Streets (6)
While Slug leaned heavily on emo-rap classics like "Modern Man’s Hustle" and "Nothing but Sunshine" to get him through his first round match-up, the Minnesota-bred rapper chose to change up his game plan going in to his battle with acclaimed British rapper The Streets by going the battle rap route with bangers like "One of a Kind" and "Cats, Vans, Bags" early on and, clearly, stunning the pride of Birmingham, England. Though he was down, The Streets was certainly not out of this… not by a longshot. He came out of the half and responded by dipping into his past and pulling out classic tracks from his critically acclaimed album A Grand Don’t Come for Free such as "Fit But You Know It" and "Could Well Be In" and clearly had the crowd as well as the momentum on his side.
Slug later explained that he expected a competitor like The Streets to mount a comeback and it just forced him to step up his focus and finally put the game away by further demonstrating his versatility with a combination of light-hearted raps like "American Disgrace" and "Guns and Cigarettes" and then the hauntingly vivid and dark rhymes of "That Night" and "Your Glass House".
Ultimately, it was Slug’s ability to change his styles, seemingly at will, that won him this game. His versatility and innovative style was simply too much for his opponent as the overwhelmed MC finally conceded defeat as the crowd rose to meet Slug’s efforts with a loud and proud chant of “USA! USA!”
Aesop Rock (10) vs. Beastie Boys (2)
This one had upset written all over it from the get-go. Hungry youngster meets aging legends resting on laurels. Honestly, people, let's be frank: The Beasties haven't put out a new (hip-hop) record since 2004, and that one was something of a dud. Meanwhile Ian Matthias Bavitz, aka Aesop Rock, has been all over the place. Aesop proved to be no fable by delivering a stirring rendition of "None Shall Pass" -- which happened to please the Python-loving Gheorghers as well as the rap aficionados. A.R. was taking the arena over, the crowd was into it, and the Beasties couldn't be bothered to muster much of a retaliation.
And then young Ian made an egregious lapse in judgment, unleashing the new lyric "What'cha done for me lately, you're too old to chill/This ain't '86 and you ain't licensed to ill". The fans stepped back instinctively, knowing that perhaps Aesop had tugged on Supermen's cape. The very first (sampled) sounds of LTI's album opener rained down from the speakers above, as Page, Plant, Jones, Bonham, Horowitz, Diamond, and Yauch all descended upon the ears of the masses...
"Because -- Mutiny on the Bounty's what we're all abouuuuut . . ."
And that was it, really. The new kid did his thing, but legends are legends, and the merging of classic rock riffs, scratched-up hip-hop beats, and three bad brothers you know so well meant the end of Aesop Rock's run, admirable though it may have been. Beasties move on.
On to the semis. Here are your semifinal match-ups:
It hurts to type. Despite multiple tooth brushings this morning, my mouth still tastes of Riesling. I've got a 9am all staff meeting. I'm supposed to rally for "TJ and rob Fun Day". And I still can't get this song out of my head...now you won't be able to either:
See the people walking down the street Fall in line just watching all their feet They don't know where they wanna go But they're walking in time
They got Tha Beet They got Tha Beet Yeah They got Tha Beet
See the kids just getting out of school They can't wait to hang out and be cool Hang around 'til quarter after twelve That's when they fall in line
Kids got Tha Beet They got Tha Beet They got Tha Beet Yeah Kids got Tha Beet Go-Go music really makes us dance Do the Pony puts us in a trance Do the Watusi just give us a chance That's when we fall in line
We got Tha Beet We got Tha Beet We got Tha Beet Yeah We got Tha Beet Everybody get on your feet We know you can dance to the beat Jumpin' - get down Round and round and round
Besides being Greg's favorite guy in the whole world, Ronnie Mervis is the owner of Mervis Diamond Importers here in the Greater DC metro area. How do I know this? Because anytime you turn on a radio around here, one of his commercials is bound to come on, and trust me, they make me laugh every time (especially true when I picture Greg doing his Ronnie Mervis impersonation). Cue the Mervis:
Enjoyed that one? Well, too bad if you didn't, because there's more:
The latest draft prospect turned out by Rick Pitino and Louisville seems to have his supersized ego ready for the rigors of the NBA. Dick Weiss of the New York Daily News was kind enough to post the following gem.
When asked about his legacy at Louisville, Williams gave the following humble response:
"I'm not saying retire my jersey. But five years from now, at least honor my jersey, because nobody wore No. 1 before me."
That's right folks, the mid-major I have been pimping since November just punched their ticket to the dance with a 77-70 victory over game, but mighty sloppy, Niagara last night at the The Arena Formerly Known As Knickerbocker. Back-to-back MAAC Champions, the Saints now turn their attention to Selection Sunday, with doofus bracketologist Joe Lunardi already predicting them as a #10 seed. Some middling big conference school (West Virginia? Purdue?) is in for a rude awakening come Round 1.
Gator accused of starting fire at abandoned school Mar 6, 8:55 PM (ET)
NEW CASTLE, Pa. (AP) - A four-foot alligator rescued in an abandoned school on fire in western Pennsylvania may have also started the blaze. North Beaver Township officials are not identifying the owner of the former elementary school that burned Thursday afternoon near New Castle, about 40 miles northwest of Pittsburgh.
But they said the man was living with a menagerie of animals in the building, including the alligator, about 70 rabbits and unspecified "aquatic animals." The Pennsylvania Game Commission was involved in caring for the animal.
Fire Chief Paul Henry said the building's owner believes the alligator started the fire by knocking over a portable heater. Firefighters removed the animal, but only after taping its mouth shut.
We have obtained a pic of the possible suspect, and it's likely his attempt to get in shape (as seen below) is what knocked over the heater:
And here you thought I was going with a Jacques Rickerson pic, didn't you? (that link chosen to piss Mark off to no end)
Mere minutes after the Blogger hamsters haul their lazy backsides off the couch and drag this post to the internet, your William and Mary Fighting Wrens kick off their postseason in Richmond against the Dukes of James Madison University. W&M's mascot search has received a great deal of publicity in the past week, with such notables as Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post and...um...and...well... this guy weighing in on the topic.
To which we say, "Nice to see y'all. Been wondering when you were gonna show up." Let the record show the Gheorghe: The Blog officially began supporting the Wrens as W&M's new mascot on November 20, 2007. Sure, we said it was a hideous idea smacking of political correctness and William & Mary's notorious tendency towards bland inoffensiveness, but we came around pretty quickly. Especially when the Wrens started winning basketball games.
W&M lost twice to JMU this year, but that was before we rejuvenated the Fear the Wren campaign. No mercy tonight - we're beaking the Dukes all the way back to Harrisonburg. We leave you with this inspiring, if completely misguided quote from W&M Dean of Admissions Henry Broaddus:
Most usefully of all, The William & Mary Revolution serves as a double-entendre for both a central mascot and an ongoing campaign for the College to open minds, to build leaders and to challenge orthodoxies.
That's what's done at William & Mary. It's what's been done at William & Mary for five centuries, and the Revolution would be an effective shorthand for it.
Viva la Revolución!
Yes, well, that's 100% wrong on a number of levels, but I'm all for the double-entendre part. Viva le Wrens.
Without further ado, let's update you on the results of today's action. The second day of battle rappin' brought us these match-ups:
Kid Rock (3) vs. Slug (of Atmosphere) (14)
In a good old-fashioned Midwestern battle, the heavily favored Kid Rock took on the darling of the mid-majors, Slug, from the smaller and less storied Rhymesayers conference. Much like the Big Ten, Kid Rock’s overall ability and tradition seem to have become overrated in recent years and have resulted in Rock receiving a higher seed than his skills merit in this competition. As the commentators for today's match-up noted, it doesn't seem like that long ago that Kid Rock was the unlikely upstart making waves, but it's been 11 years since Devil Without a Cause. And really, what since? And here comes Slug. Atmosphere's been making records since Devil came out and helped create a genre (emo rap), but that 14-seed is a clear reminder of the lack of respect the committee had for independent artists. Slug's resignation about life's struggles heard on last year's When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold was apparently filed away for this competition, and he came out with some serious early-days fire. Meanwhile, Kid Rock launched into some sort of Skynyrd / Warren Zevon-ish rock-with-a-trace-of-rap mish-mash, leaving listeners just confused.
Slug uses his more original lyrical stylings and an innovative and independent hip-hop spirit to push himself to the huge upset and first-round victory.
Prince Markie Dee (9) vs. Bubba Sparxxx (8)
"Oh, you should see...Prince Markie Dee..." Well, Chubby, no offense, but it was pretty hard to miss the Prince... or Kool Rock-Ski and Buff Love for that matter. The Prince earned an #8 seed mainly for his road-heavy pre-conference work, flooding airwaves with Fat Boys hits and weighing down the big screen in Krush Groove and Disorderlies. He finished around .500 in conference play, releasing a solo record in the early 90's with a #1 hit single, "Typical Reasons (Swing My Way)". We're not sure we've ever heard of that song, and thus PMD stumbles into the tourney's 8/9 matchup.
And then we have our #9 seed, Warren Anderson Mathis, the pride of La Grange, GA (along with Walt Harris and Tyrone Poole of course)... soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High, June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980... wait, I'm sorry, wrong guy. This fat, pale grillz-sporting redneck burst on the scene in 2001 with "Ugly" and its hideous video (good taste prevents us from embedding it here), and in between picking crumbs from his underbelly fat rolls Bubba managed to drop a few more Top 100 hits in the early Aughts.
But in a match-up where neither rotund rapper was ever more than two beats ahead, Bubba Sparxx steals the victory in the waning seconds because of 2006's "Ms. New Booty", his collaboration with the always stable Ying Yang Twins. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during those recording sessions: talk of derivatives, souffles and needlepoint. Those boys really knew how to cut loose.
Sage Francis (12) vs. House of Pain (5)
When you look like a cross between Matisyahu and Dave Atell, you better know what you're doing if you want to be a hip-hop star. And Mr. Francis does indeed know what he's doing, which is good because he' s matched up against the finest hoods the city of Boston has produced since the Wahlberg brothers started Hangin' Tough in the late 80's.
House of Pain exploited an obvious, yet untapped resource in their rise to fame - channel the angst of young white males with stories of booze and brawling, making hip-hop accessible to pasty Irish folks everywhere. They flamed out early, but made a huge impact, at least according to beleaguered bartenders working Manhattan's Irish pubs on St. Pat's Day. Even Mickey's Malt Liquor rode the House of Pain bandwagon for much of the 1990's, until they found another angst-ridden potential fan-base with UFC fans.
The crowd was heavily into Sage Francis at the start of this match, but the legacy of House of Pain was too much for him and his indie label to take. Mickey's stinger proved fatal.
House of Pain takes a couple early shots, but comes back strong, pummeling Sage Francis to move into the quarters.
The Streets (6) vs. Marky Mark (11)
Mike Skinner, aka "The Streets," is best known as the UK's answer to Eminem. The UK has been known to export brilliant music to America, so their finest rapper shouldn't be ignored. He has been producing unique rhymes and rhythms for most of this decade, and while he hasn't been hot as a pistol or caught fire in the US, he has been in steady rotation in Prince Harry's iPod for quite some time.
We all know the tale of Mark Wahlberg, so we'll spare the stories of underwear, good vibrations and the epic butchering of Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side." Suffice it to say the guy may have won this event if it was a bench press contest. But this ain't the case. It's about talking the talk. And while Mr. Wahlberg may have walked the walk amongst the Southies in Beantown, he has little to bring to the table against the man whose rhymes told the tale of countless disillusioned British clubbers and carried the torch lit by the Lo Fidelity Allstars some years before him.
Marky Mark tries taking it to The Streets, but finds himself dancing in The Streets, ultimately getting beaten down so badly he abandons Boston altogether for The Streets of Philadelphia. The Streets wins by TKO.
So, with round one complete, we are left with the following match-ups in the quarters. Stay tuned for the results, to be announced early next week.
Have you heard about the lonesome loser Beaten by the queen of hearts every time Have you heard about the lonesome loser He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin' Oooooooh-hooooooo-hoooooooOooooooh-ooooooh-hoooooooo
1) Southeast Missouri State University 3-27 overall, 0-18 in Ohio Valley Conference play
The school's motto is "Experience Southeast...Experience success." The basketball team never got that memo. Their weak "Play the best you can" motto is visible in their team photo above. The Redhawks have officially gone quietly into that good night, showing no ability to rage against the dying of the light.
There are very few interesting things to say about this squad, but we'll try. Their roster features a tremendous array of first names (I'm looking at you Kenard, Jaycen, Bijon, LaMont, Israel and Jajuan). They lost their last 19 games in a row, by an average of 14 points. And they are located in bucolic Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And yes, the school's motto is partially italicized.
2) DePaul 8-22 overall, 0-17 in Big East play
Dallas Comegys is rolling over in his grave at the play of the Blue Demons this season. Or grimacing while working at a Chicago Arby's. Same goes for Wilson Chandler, so upset by his alma mater's play that he cancelled today's appointment for neck tattoo number seven. Last night's loss to West Virginia leaves DePaul with one last conference game to close out this season - a visit to Georgetown this Saturday. While the Hoyas' play of late has been fitful enough to cause paranoia among the fan base, we feel that G-Town will come up big in this game.
So both these schools should sing the Little River Band's seminal hit, Lonesome Loser, to themselves as they cry themselves to sleep in the months ahead. Judging by the band's photo below, these guys are intimately familiar with what it means to be a loser.
Have you heard about the lonesome loser Beaten by the queen of hearts every time Have you heard about the lonesome loser He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin' Oooooooh-hooooooo-hoooooooOooooooh-ooooooh-hoooooooo
Sit down, take a look at yourself Don't you want to be somebody Someday somebody's gonna see inside You have to face up, you can't run and hide
Have you heard about the lonesome loser Beaten by the queen of hearts every time Have you heard about the lonesome loser He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'
Unlucky in love Least that's what they say He lost his head And he gambled his heart away He still keeps searching Though there's nothing left Staked his heart and lost Now he has to pay the cost
Have you heard about the lonesome loser Beaten by the queen of hearts every time Have you heard about the lonesome loser He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'
"It's okay", he smiles and says Though this loneliness is driving him crazy He don't show what goes on in his head But if you watch very close you'll see it all Sit down, take a look at yourself Don't you want to be somebody Someday somebody's gonna see inside You have to face up, you can't run and hide
Have you heard about the lonesome loser Beaten by the queen of hearts every time Have you heard about the lonesome loser He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin' Have you heard about the lonesome loser Have you heard about the lonesome loser Have you heard about the lonesome loser Now tell me have you heard about the lonesome loser
Without further ado, let's update you on the results of today's action.
The first day of battle rappin' brought us these match-ups:
Beastie Boys (2) vs. Snow (15)
Snow never had a chance. The Beasties came into this one smarting after failing to garner the top seed, playing the no respect card from the jump and taking out their disappointment on the lanky Canadian. Three bars into 'Informer', Mike D, MCA, and Ad Rock began blasting away with killer renditions of 'Sabotage', 'Intergalactic', 'Sounds of Science', and 'So What'cha Want'. The b-boys and b-girls from up North were cringing in make-it-stop agony before the first television timeout. Midway through the first half, the Beasties started trading instruments and thrashing their way through deep cuts from 'Some Old Bullshit' - their version of Red Auerbach's cigar. The second half was a mess, with MCA going off on a Tibetan freedom rant while Ad Rock got stoned with Snow's girlfriend and Mike D filmed crowd scenes for 'Gunnin' for That #1 Spot, Part Deux'.
A no-doubter, this one, with the Beastie Boys leaving plenty in reserve for their Elite Eight matchup.
Paul Wall (7) vs. Aesop Rock (10)
You’ll have a hard time finding a bigger contrast of styles in this year’s first round. While Wall prefers to slow down the pace and grind out victories over his opponents on the strength of his production and the help of numerous guest appearances, Aesop Rock uses a unique flow and unorthodox delivery to take opponents out of their gameplan and leave them scrambling for answers to his style.
In this match-up, Aesop’s lyrical ability and diversity of rhyme styles proves too much for the much more hyped (but significantly less skilled) Houston MC, Wall, who spent most of the game playing catch-up after falling behind in the early going.
Aesop Rock successfully carries the banner for the young upstarts in the Definitive Jux Conference.
Brian Austin Green (16) vs. Eminem (1)
Eminem, perpetrator of the fastest selling hip-hop album of all time. Slim Shady, the biggest, most popular individual Caucasian rapper in history. Marshall Mathers, producer, actor, and controversy-brewing megastar. There's a reason Dre's D-town prodigy is the number one seed.
Brian Austin Green . . . uh, he was David Silver on 90210. According to reports, his hot actress girlfriend dumped him in February. According to rumors, Eminem's new single "Crack a Bottle" was written to depict what Shady was going to do over Green's head. According to anyone who has ever, ever heard Brian Austin Green rap, he's incredibly awful and without even trace amounts of merit. (Even Donna Martin concurs.)
This one was over by "May I have your attention please?"
Eminem quickly and cruelly dispatches of the notorious B.A.G. in record time.
Vanilla Ice (13) vs. 3rd Bass (4)
The editors of G:TB are big fans of 3rd Bass. They had a big run in the late 80's and early 90's, led by the strength of "The Cactus Album." They had a good look, with MC Serch and the Prime Minister (and Barry Pepper imposter) Pete Nice alternating mic duties, while DJ Richie Rich manned the turntables. They were the biggest multi-racial band of their time, and they leveraged their fame by attacking a fellow white appear. They used their powerful single "Pop Goes the Weasel," which sampled Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" to directly attack...
...our #13 seed, Vanilla Ice (nee Robert Van Winkle). What a coincidence, huh? Vanilla Ice (whose fame arc was a precursor to those of Squirrel Nut Zippers and Lou Bega), was very well-liked and very famous for a very short time. At some point, people who liked him realized what he looked like, felt much shame, threw his tapes away and quietly moved on with their lives. He gets points for sampling Queen's "Under Pressure," but loses more points than he gained by not fessing up to stealing the beats in one of the worst defenses ever presented by Kurt Loder on MTV.
This heavily-awaited battle proved more brutal than the faux beat-down of Mr. Ice doled out by 3rd Bass in the Pop Goes the Weasel video below.
Winner: 3rd Bass in a blow-out. Pop-went-the, pop-went-the-whining of the weasel. (not you, Pauly Shore).
Copious amount of ennui spiked with dangerous levels of work-related stress have kept Team G:TB off the scoreboard for much of the week, so our newest filler concept is doing yeoman's work.
Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: I don't have a great deal of snark to toss Muddy's way - the Mudcats' logo is killer. I'd want some gear, as a matter of fact, if it weren't for the red/black/grey thing we've already discussed. Carry on, Mudcats, you've got the G:TB Seal of Approval. 
Posts
