Songs to Learn and Sing

A little lagniappe for you to close out the workaday week. You all undoubtedly know of Zamfir, master of the pan flute.

His first name? Gheorghe.

This blog just took on a whole new set of meanings.

Ceai Complet: May 30, 2008

We almost had another Darwin Award winner...

What. A. Moron.

Man uses gun for backscratcher, shoots himself

A Fort Worth man trying to scratch an itch on his back used a revolver and accidentally shot himself. Jorge Espinal, 44, was drinking beer and playing poker around 3 a.m. Sunday in his home in the 3500 block of Montague Street, when he got up from the table and walked into another room, said Fort Worth police Lt. Kenneth Dean.

“He told officers he had an itch on his back and grabbed the first thing he could get a hold of, which was a revolver,” Lt. Dean said. “The gun went off."

Mr. Espinal went back and told his buddies that he shot himself. “They didn’t believe him until they saw the blood coming down his back,” Lt. Dean said. Mr. Espinal was taken to an area hospital, where he was treated and released with non-life-threatening injuries.

Bonus Afternoon Ceai

If you've ever wondered exactly how much damage a ladle beating can cause, the answer is apparently eight stitches worth. And, just like flopping in the NBA next year, ladle beatings will cause you to lose some yen.

Sumo wrestler has to take pay cut after hitting apprentice with ladle

TOKYO -- A veteran sumo wrestler who attacked a junior grappler with a cooking utensil has been ordered to take a salary cut for his violent outburst. Toyozakura, whose ladle-wielding assault left the 18-year-old victim bleeding and needing eight stitches, will take a 30 percent pay cut for three months, Japanese sumo officials said on Thursday.

The same punishment was meted out to gym chief Magaki for beating a junior wrestler with a bamboo sword in the latest in a series of incidents that has tarnished sumo's image. Toyozakura, 34, apologized after admitting he used a ladle to hit the apprentice on the head. "I asked him to do something, which I don't remember exactly, but he couldn't do it," Toyozakura said, according to Agence France-Presse.

Sumo dates back some 2,000 years and retains many Shinto religious overtones, but the sport has been plagued by scandal in recent months. Violent hazing, or beating during training, has long been seen as customary, contributing to the sport's struggle to attract new recruits. But there was a public outcry over the death last year of a teenage apprentice who was beaten with a beer bottle and a baseball bat.

Japan's government has weighed in on the issue, ordering sumo officials to clean up their act.

So, to recap, ladle beating = 30% pay cut for three months, and bamboo sword beating = same 30% pay cut for three months. That's some damn fuzzy math if you ask me.

And yes, you got me, I read this story and was just dying to throw up a shot of Fat Bastard from Goldmember. Sue me.

Ceai Complet: May 29, 2008

I hate to throw videos at you on back-to-back days (who am I kidding, I'd throw you videos everyday if I could), but I thought everyone would like to see the Big Ticket emasculate Theo Ratliff:

Ceai Complet: Greatest. Video. Ever.

It looks like the crack staff at Whitneypedia HQ missed this all-time classic when drafting their "USA for Africa/Live Aid" post:

Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo

A few weeks ago Rob promoted the new Old 97's album, Blame It On Gravity. While I cannot officially endorse the record at this time, since it has yet to grow on me, I can and will insist you make your way to one of their shows this summer. In addition to the dates on the poster above, there are a series of dates to shows listed below, many of which coincide with G:TB's largely east coast fan base.

I have Richmond tickets (presale via the official website), and I'm investigating the possibility of making other dates. Based on my recent performances at local social engagements lately, that's a whole sideshow to any of these concerts. Just last Friday I heard a couple more new stories about my behavior at the Spoon show in April. Blacking out on Bermudian rum -- it's the gift that keeps on giving.

June 26 Waterfest Concert Series Oshkosh, WI
June 28 Summerfest Milwaukee, WI
July 18, 7pm Floore Country Store Helotes, TX
July 19, 8pm House of Blues New Orleans, LA
July 21, 7pm Work Play Theatre Birmingham, AL
July 22, 7pm Variety Playhouse Atlanta, GA
July 23, 8pm Mercy Lounge Nashville, TN
July 24, 8pm The Orange Peel Asheville, NC
July 25, 8pm The Visulite Theatre Charlotte, NC
July 26, 2pm Downtown Live at Moore Square Park Raleigh, NC
July 27, 7:30pm Toad's Place Richmond, VA
July 29, 7pm 9:30 Club Washington, DC
July 30, 7pm The Trocadero Theatre Philadelphia, PA
July 31, 8pm Bottle & Cork Dewey Beach, DE
Aug 1, 6pm Webster Hall New York, NY
Aug 2, 8pm The Wellfleet Beachcomber Wellfleet, MA

Ceai Complet: May 27, 2008

I eagerly await this "ripped from the headlines" episode of Law and Order:

Man: Neighbor killed by owl, not husband

DURHAM, N.C., May 26 (UPI) -- A former neighbor of a Durham, N.C., man convicted of his wife's murder claims the death was not caused by a human, but rather by an aggressive owl.

Larry Pollard claims his deceased neighbor Kathleen Peterson was killed by an owl attack in December 2001, not by her husband, novelist Mike Peterson, who is serving a life sentence in prison for the crime, the Raleigh (N.C.) News & Observer reported Monday.

Pollard, who formerly worked as a lawyer, said he has spent years gathering information that indicates Kathleen Peterson's wounds were caused by an owl, not by assault with a fire poker. He said that despite repeatedly informing the media of his theories, he has not presented his ideas to the Durham district attorney.

"I want it to be the best I have," Pollard said.

Durham District Attorney Jim Hardin, who led the prosecution of Peterson, said he has heard of the owl theory and discussed it with medical examiners. He said they dismissed the idea.

G:TB has obtained a police composite sketch of the suspect:

Ceai Complet: May 23, 2008

This guy stole Whit's retirement plan:

LONDON (AP) - A judge has reprimanded a British pensioner who plagued his neighbors by repeatedly playing Bruce Springteen's hit "Born in the U.S.A." at high volume in the early hours.

John Norman, a 61-year-old, was on Tuesday given a three week anti-social behavior order, or ASBO, after residents living close to his home complained.

Prosecutors told a court in Mansfield in northern England that officials received more than 100 complaints. Neighbors said Norman blasted out the Springsteen hit on repeat night after night.

Norman's ASBO, a punishment designed for troublesome youths, bans him from playing loud music for three weeks. The court can also impose a further ban and he can be jailed if he doesn't comply.

G:TB Celebrates America, The Grand Finale

So far on G:TB's Memorial Day walkabout, we've learned about Butler, PA, spent a few moments by the shore in Manasquan, NJ, and settled in for some quiet seaside reflection in Little River, SC. In this, our final pre-holiday travel post, the destinations take a back seat to history.

Before we get to that, though, we'll let Dennis talk about his weekend plans. G:TB's Inter-Regional man of mystery weighs in with a thought-provoking itinerary, examining the undeniable societal tension between want and need, luxury and necessity, Titleist and Nike:

On Saturday morning I’ll stay in Alexandria and walk in the park as much as possible. I’ll then drive to the nearest local grocer for cooking supplies in my hybrid car at a cool 35 MPH. When in my house that evening, I’ll have the windows open and the air conditioner off. After dinner, I’ll read books, sing songs, and tell tales of a world replete with renewable energy sources until I drift asleep.

On Sunday morning, I’ll wake up to a 32 oz. cup of Starbucks coffee. My friends and I will then each drive our separate SUV’s to a golf course 45 miles away and spend $150 for the rights to ride gas-powered carts around a 10-acre rock quarry turned lush green meadow.

On Monday, I’ll sit around wondering whether I’m an environmentalist or a masochist.

Whitney, meanwhile, will be hitting for the little-known Suburban Cycle, supping first in Ashburn, VA and then in Kensington, MD. Ashburn's the home of the Washington Redskins' training facility, Old Dominion Brewery (recently purchased by the soulless bastards at Anheuser-Busch) the first home I ever purchased, and...well, some nice jogging trails interspersed with a handful of tasteful strip malls and planned neighborhoods. Kensington, meanwhile, is home to Matthew Lesko, the question-mark-festooned latenight pitchman, and a lovely little community in its own right.

Speaking of festooned, the highlight of G:TB's Memorial Day this year, as the last two, is the District of Columbia's Memorial Day Parade. If there were even one iota of justice in the world, the trip down Constitution Avenue would be every bit as world-reknowned as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day and Rose Bowl Parades. Sure, balloon creatures, lip-synched pop songs performed by one-hit wonders, and flower-bedecked flatbeds have their own special appeal. But those cultural touchstones lack one thing: neither of those festive events feature the world's leading Abraham Lincoln scholar/impersonator.

In the words of Chris Farley, "Awwwwesommme".

Abe and G:TB wish you and yours a spectacular Memorial Day weekend. And a magnificent beard.

Ceai Complet: May 22, 2008

Pub urinal computer games launched

TWO Belgian beer fans have launched a video game named Place to Pee, which allows players to fly down ski slopes or kill aliens while relieving themselves at urinals.

Werner Dupont, a software developer and Bart Geraets, an electrical engineer, got the idea while drinking beers.

The Place to Pee' booth is designed for two users at a time and offers two games - blowing up aliens in outer space or skiing down a virtual slope.

Gamers hit their target by aiming at sensors positioned on either side of the urinal.

A specially designed paper cone allows women to play too, the inventors say.

Their Place to Pee logo resembles Manneken Pis, the little urinating boy fountain that is among Brussels' top sightseeing attractions.

Too bad Mayhugh's "stage fright" will prevent him from ever enjoying this. And I just changed my AL-only fantasy baseball team name to "Manneken Pis".

Ceai Complet: May 21, 2008

Sometimes they just write themselves...which is good, because I sure as hell can't write 'em:

Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior

TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico (AP) - A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery.

The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday.

Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills. "Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said - "no matter who they are."

The owner, Mauro Gutierrez, told The Associated Press he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men's bills, estimated at US$420 (euro270).

The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle. "All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said. Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro.

Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before, including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March. In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. His owners were fined US$18.

This might be my favorite "contrived morning post concept", er, Ceai Complet, yet.

G:TB Celebrates America

We'll hew close to the shoreline in today's travelogue, bypassing our new internet friends in the Outer Banks (and we'll be compiling our own list of songs at some point, and it's safe to say there won't be any England Dan) and heading all the way to Little River, SC, Home of the Annual Blue Crab Festival.

My parents' early-retirement homestead lives under the motto, There's Something Here for Everyone. Which is true, so long as everyone enjoys chain restaurants, rednecks, chain retail outlets, theme restaurants (chain or otherwise), and a disconcerting racial tension. The picture at left, courtesy of the town's official website, depicts the new post office. So let it not be said that the gentle breeze of progress has stilled in Little River's slow-moving waters.

I kid, I kid. (Dad, if you're reading, you realize that this congenital wiseassery is all your fault, right?) There's golf, too, by the large bucket. And beaches - miles and miles of really nice beaches, plenty of which are uncrowded and unsullied. The northern end of the Grand Strand is a quaint, slow-paced haven for refugees from colder climes - my kind of beachside community. Just don't wander too far south, or all that stuff I said above starts to apply in larger and larger measure.

Little River, though. That's all right by me, now that I've found a good cup of coffee and a place I can get fresh seafood and hush puppies on a paper plate.

Almost done with G:TB Across America, or whatever the hell we're calling this. I promise you, unconditionally, that you'll be stupefied and amazed by Thursday's finale. There exist pictures that will take you back in time, and forward in your appreciation for one of G:TB's own.

Ceai Complet: May 20, 2008

Really, it's not our intent to make this segment a Red Sox compendium. Merely a coincidence. We'd say that Jon Lester's efforts last night are worthy, though. And so we tip our cap to the Sox' young lefthander after his no-hit performance last night against the Royals.

Wally the Green Monster is a nice Gheorghian touch, dont'cha think?

G:TB Celebrates America

As much as we know you were itching to read about Myrtle Beach today, we’re gonna shake things up a bit. Mostly because someone else was kind enough to do the work.

Today, via the magic of the internet, we take you on a scenic journey to Manasquan, NJ, site of Rhymenocerous’ summer home and Memorial Day destination.

Among other things, Manasquan is noted as the town where Jack Nicholson went to high school. It’s a mere 5 miles from Bruce Springsteen's Asbury Park and but a single mile from Wall Township, where Eliot Spitzer's paid paramour grew up. Finally, Manasquan’s a mile from Point Pleasant, where the American Idol chick who took risque internet photos a couple years back grew up. Piper Perabo grew up there too. You all remember her from Coyote Ugly. The movie, not the collegiate dating technique.

Celebs and sluts. Welcome to New Jersey!

As for Manasquan itself, there's not much to say other than it has the best surf break in NJ and all the teenagers are burnouts. Most of the parents are veteran party animals themselves who own beach cruisers. They (our friend included?) use these cruisers to bike to the local bars or house parties, where they can get sloshed and teeter home on side streets without getting a DUI.

As for Rhymenocerous’ time there this weekend, he’ll be healthy and sober Friday night, healthy on his 5-mile run Saturday morning, dehydrated that day, very drunk that Saturday night (To quote him, instead of just steal his words, “I have a 50% track record of blacking out and/or vomiting on the nights of my runs because I usually start drinking by 4 PM and never stop until I fall down”), and very hung over that next morning.

On Sunday, he'll procrastinate about the long list of things to do at his new place, including fun items like painting, installing child seats on bicycles and spreading cedar mulch over the weeds growing around the perennials in the front yard. He’ll putter around in his yard and start to feel better as frozen margarita #2 kicks in by 5 PM. He’ll then make a quick drunken bike ride to the local supermarket to buy some red meat to cook up on his unnecessarily large and expensive Weber grill. (The Genesis. It’s so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.) He’ll then drink until he passes out and/or gets put to bed by his wife. Hopefully, he’ll have some company during the drinking stage of the night, although it's sadly not necessary.

Ceai Complet: May 19, 2008

Welcome back Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr.

G:TB Celebrates America

With Memorial Day rapidly approaching, the G:TB staff will be spreading our whimsy to the four corners of the globe. Or at least to a few select resort destinations mostly confined to the Eastern United States. (While the silliness and immaturity of our worldview knows few metaphysical bounds, it is fairly geographically limited, basically encompassing the landmass from Nags Head, NC to Boston, MA. And Romania.) In celebration of the coming holiday, we present you with this series of travel primers.

First up, Butler, PA.

The seat of the cleverly named Butler County, Butler is the ancestral home of both Big John Studd and Bret Michaels. Little known fact: 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' is an homage to Rose Pankowitz, Michaels' elementary school girlfriend and now proprietor of the Aunt Sarah's Pancake House in downtown Butler.

Butler's also memorialized on film, serving as the location for the legendary 'Night of the Living Dead'. G:TB's own Teejay O'Doul will be reenacting several scenes from the classic picture as he visits his in-laws in bucolic Western PA over the holiday season.

Next on G:TB's whirlwind tour: Myrtle Beach, SC

Ceai Complet: May 16, 2008

Fast-Food Workers Spit In Customer Drinks

EUNICE, La. -- Two fast-food workers at a Sonic eatery in Eunice spit into customers' drinks, a company representative said.

Several customers at the restaurant said their drinks were spiked with saliva.

"(My daughter) came up here and got a soda and come to find out some girls spit in the drink" father Joe Lawrence said.

G:TB has obtained exclusive footage of the incident:

Ceai Complet - May 15, 2008

You've all seen the video by now (it's here, if you spent yesterday on another planet), but we still celebrate Manny Ramirez this morning, because he's a singularly exquisite embodiment of the Gheorgian way of life. There's not one other player in all of professional sports who would think for a moment to high-five a fan in the middle of a play. He's goofy as all get out, and surpassingly good at what he does. We're half-way there.

(h/t to The Gowanus Rotisserie Baseball Gazette for the screen caps.)

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

Love letters come in lots of shapes and sizes. Witness the following email, from one of G:TB's own to a friend of ours who'd sent an innocent email asking for recommendations on diversions for his impending trip to New Orleans. Ignore the first sentence, which is parry to the thrust of another friend's email. The rest of it manages in a few short paragraphs to pack in 10+ years of good times, good friends we have, and good friends we've lost in a mash note to a city.

From: Whitney whitneyxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: xxxxxxxx@williamandmary.org
Sent: Tuesday, May 13, 2008 5:35:12 PM
Subject: Re: Nawlins and vacation home

Clyde,

Chip is right. . . about my old girlfriend. Actually, she's a bloody nice girl and is actually in my current circle of friends, much to her husband's serious chagrin.

Anyway, about New Orleans. Chip is actually right about the music joints. I saw Wilco a couple of nights at Tipitina's Uptown in March and I am still reeling. Also check out the Howlin' Wolf, the Maple Leaf, and for the coolest little music scene in . . . . maybe America, check out a place called Le Bontemps Roule. Killer place.

Igor's is a place where I have seen God several times. A must, and the later you hit it, the better. It's in the Garden District. Go by the Columns down the street for a little more upscale (upscale frat guy) time. If there's an Aussie lady named Karen working at Igor's, drop my name. And maybe break the news to her that Dave Flynn is dead.

While in the Quarter, go to Pat O's if you must, but get your money's worth more at Tropical Isle (multiple locations). Hand Grenades (basically 150 proof Gatorade) will knock you on your ass. Beware/enjoy. BEFORE you do either of those, go to the Monteleone Hotel bar and have a Bloody or a beer there. There is a certain unique gimmick to that bar that's very much worth the trip. If you find yourself at Club Decatur in the Quarter and a Scotsman with a pony tail named Bryan is serving you, drop my name. And maybe break the news to him that Dave Flynn is dead.

For great eats, an enormous beer list, and a cool place to shoot pool and relax, definitely go to Cooter Brown's. End of the streetcar line on St. Charles. Last time there I ordered the Bayou Philly:

Bayou Philly ........................................................... $10.00
Gator Sausage, shrimp, grilled and topped with roasted peppers, onions, Pepper Jack and American cheese with remoulade sauce

F-ing kick-ass. I am pretty sure Christina the beautiful bartender who looks like Sandra Bullock (and loves me) is still gone to FLA, but if not, you're in for a treat. Cooter's is a staple for freshly shucked oysters, a good juke, and reloading on grub between binges. Get there.

Rock 'n Bowl, Midtown Lanes. Pain in the ass to get to, dingy as hell, it's old school bowling and cheap beer drinking with a band playing. Love it.

That's about all I can come up with off the top of my head. Miss that town. Have one for me.

Whitney

Ceai Complet - May 14, 2008

You well know that we don't take much seriously here, but we do love us some music, each in our own way. If anyone in the worldwide G:TB community happens to wake up in Houston, TX tomorrow, do yourself a favor and pop by Cactus Music at 2110 Portsmouth at 5:30 for an in-store appearance by the Old 97's. And if you wake up somewhere else, hurry over to your local music purveyor, online or otherwise, and pick up the Dallas foursome's latest record, Blame It On Gravity. Satisfaction guaranteed, or I'll buy you a Shiner Bock.

Ceai Complet: Hyperbole Edition

"LeBron James...WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!"

They've never been 5 games above .500? Ever?

With yesterday's 8-5 win over the Los Angeles Angels of San Dimas High, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are 21-16 on the year, just a game and a half back of the defending champion Red Sox in the AL East. More importantly, this is apparently the first time in franchise history the Rays have ever been 5 games above .500. I know they have sucked pretty hard in their first decade of existence, but I found this stat pretty hard to believe, so I went to my numero uno beisbol source on the web, baseball-reference.com, to confirm this Kurk Gem. Here's what I found:

1998: As it turns out, the '98 expansion Devil Rays were actually 4 games over .500 at one point in the season. That of course was when they were 10-6 on April 19, and Larry Rothschild went to bed each night dreaming of his Murderers Row of Fred McGriff, Quinton McCracken, Paul Sorrento and Wade Boggs leading his D-Rays to World Series glory. The 1998 Devil Rays finished 63-99, an astounding 51 games out of 1st place.

1999: Again, they made it to 4 games over .500, this time pushing it a week later into the season (11-7 on April 23). They only managed to get shutout 7 times in '99 (as opposed to 17 times in their inaugural year). The team finishes 69-93.

2000: Now this is tough to do (well, I thought it was tough...read on)- the Devil Rays were never more than 1 game over .500 in 2000, and that sadly was day 2 of the season, after Tampa beat Minnesota 7-0 to start the year. The D-Rays finish 69-92, and Larry Rothschild, against all odds, stays employed.

2001: Tell me if this sounds familiar. The Devil Rays win their opener to get 1 game over .500. And that's the apex of the season. Larry Rothschild is mercifully put to sleep 14 games into the season, replaced by Hal McRae, which is great for me, because now I get to post this epic meltdown:

Tampa Bay backslides, losing 100 games for the first time in franchise history (all 4 years of it). Tanyon Sturtze is the staff ace. Yep, Tanyon Sturtze...that's how you lose 100 games.

2002: Hal McRae, captain of the Titanic. The Rays go an atrocious 55-106 in '02, after actually starting the year 3-0 (obviously 3 games over .500 is their high point). They lose a whopping 33 games by 5 or more runs. Our boy Tanyon Sturtze goes 4-18.

2003: Welcome aboard Sweet Lou...to a 63-99 mark that drove you so bonkers you dyed your hair at some point (I think...that might've been 2004...but I'm too lazy to google "Lou Piniella dyed hair"). Lou's '03 club joined the 2000 and 2001 D-Rays in the "Start 1-0...never get another game over .500 again" club. Pretty terrible name for a club if you ask me. The D-Rays go 5-21 in June...and manage a 3-15 interleague mark. Ugh.

2004: Holy shit, look, a 70 win season (the first in franchise history). The team gets to 2 games over .500 - on July 3rd no less (40-38). They have a 12 game win streak. They go 15-3 in interleague play. The stupid Mets trade them Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Lou's got them going in the right direction, Tampa is turning it around, etc. etc...

2005: ...um, not so fast my friend. Tampa Bay finishes the '05 season 67-95. They get to 3-2 on the young year, and are never more than a game over .500 again. Piniella threatens to kill multiple people throughout the season, including several of his players. Somehow Jorge Cantu hits 28 bombs and drives in 117 runs.

2006: Lou is gone, Joe Maddon is in, and here comes another 100 loss season (61-101). On April 16th they're 7-6 and 1 game over .500 - that's the best they have to offer. Tampa Bay goes 20-61 on the road.

2007: They got all these young kids, they're supposed to turn the corner, Sports Illustrated throws them on the cover as the team of the future...and we get a final record of 66-96. Yep, I feel like a broken record - Tampa gets to 2-1 on April 6th...and that's it again for games over .500. If you're scoring at home, that means in 6 of their first 10 years Tampa Bay has never been more than 1 game over .500 at any point in a season.

2008: It took until season 11, but the magic barrier was finally broken. 5 games above .500 for the first time ever. Well played Rays, well played.

Ceai Complet: May 12, 2008

There's bad days, and then there's what happened to Justin Hill of Rock Island, TN last Tuesday:

ROCK ISLAND, Tenn. (AP) - One moment, Justin Hill was turning into his driveway. Minutes later he was being flown to a hospital as his home went up in flames. Then he got a traffic ticket.

Hill, 42, got into a crash after turning into the path of an oncoming car Tuesday evening, said Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer Monte Terry. Hill's wife heard the crash and ran outside, leaving the kitchen stove, where she had been cooking, unattended.

Within minutes, their Rock Island trailer was on fire, and firefighters who had responded to the accident found themselves fighting the blaze.

The rural central Tennessee home had extensive damage. Hill was treated at the hospital and released, but he was cited in the accident for failure to yield.

I mean, the cops couldn't have cut the guy a break on the ticket?

Long Distance Dedication

Here's hoping you enjoy this when you wake up somewhere strange tomorrow morning:



(h/t to Andrew Sullivan, my favorite gay, British, conservative blogger)

Ceai Complet: May 9, 2008

Politics really isn't G:TB's bag, baby. But this is too good to pass up on a Friday morning. From the unlikely source of Beliefnet.org comes this gem, an homage and a dig at the same time:

A Democratic primary voter enters Clinton for President headquarters.

Voter: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The man behind the counter does not respond.)
Voter: Hello, Miss?
Clinton Chief Strategist Geoff Garin: What do you mean "miss"?
Voter: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Garin: We're closin' for lunch.
Voter: Never mind that, my boy. I wish to complain about this candidate what I voted for not two days ago.
GG: Oh yes, the, uh, the Hillary Clinton ...What's,uh...What's wrong with her?
Voter: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. Her campaign is dead, that's what's wrong with her!
GG: No, no, she's, uh,...she's resting.
Voter: Look, matey, I know a dead candidate when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
GG: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, Hillary Clinton, idn't she? Beautiful plumage!
Voter: The plumage don't enter into it. Her presidential campaign is stone dead.
GG: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
Voter (pointing to delegate-math statistics on CNN): Now that's what I call a dead candidate.
GG: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
Voter: STUNNED?!?
GG: Yeah! The voters stunned her, just as she was wakin' up! Hillary stuns easy, major.
Voter: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That campaign is definitely deceased, and when I voted for Mrs. Clinton not two days ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was due to her bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
GG: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for Yankee Stadium. She's a big Yanks fan, you know.
Voter: PININ' for YANKEE STADIUM?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her back on Tuesday night?
GG: Hillary Clinton prefers keepin' on her back! She's a fighter, an underdog. Remarkable bird, id'nt she, squire? Lovely plumage!
Voter: She's not pinin'! She's passed on! Her campaign is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If Hillary Clinton hadn't nailed herself to the Democratic Party perch she'd be pushing up the daisies! This campaign's metabolic processes are now history! She's off the twig! She's kicked the bucket, she's shuffled off her mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!

Fed Up

Geoff and I decided to take the advice of those annoying hipsters t-shirts and we have resolved to stop bitching and to start a revolution. GET INVOLVED...
http://paymoreforlessbayless.blogspot.com/

Ceai Complet: May 8, 2008

Get well Dalton/Bodhi...and I can't thank you enough for this gem:

Note to the MLBPA: You're Idiots

I just caught this story on espn.com, and it pissed me off to no end. Does the MLBPA really not understand why guys like Barry Bonds are unemployed? Let Gheorghe help you out, MLBPA general counsel Michael Weiner (how appropriate) - here are the 7 guys listed in the sidebar...why don't we help Mr. Weiner (chuckle) understand why these dinosaurs are jobless (here's a hint Weiner...I'll give you three letters..."P", "E" and "D"):

Barry Bonds - I'm going to have to restrain myself from using this phrase 6 more times, but are you fucking kidding me? Who in God's name wants to bring this surly cheat into their locker room? Forget that the guy could be going to federal pound you in the ass prison any day now...he's a horrendous teammate and a media tsunami. You think he would be a positive influence on the young Rays? Marlboro Man Leyland doesn't even want to go near him. Come on...the guy's unemployable because he's the second most deplorable person on the face of the earth (for anyone who knows me, you know who #1 is). Let's just move on before I overnight this letter bomb to Mr. Weiner.

Roger Clemens - Is the MLBPA serious? You're joking me, right? I can't even address this. Instead, I will direct you to Tim Keown's archives, where has written not one, not two, but three fantastic Clemens rip jobs over the last few months (I'd link you to Lupica's column from the other day but I despise that Fraggle).

Jose Mesa - Ah, Joe Table. He of the 7.11 ERA and 1.54 WHIP last year. Gee, I have no idea why someone wouldn't want this rapist in their bullpen. I also found it comical he got to be on MLBPA's list of "big-time players who haven't gotten a major league contract this season". I'm sorry, Jose Mesa is a big-name?

Mike Piazza - Old. As. Dirt. Probably a juicer as well. If the home of aging DHs, Oakland, doesn't want you around, there's gotta be a reason.

Sammy Sosa - Failure to speak English has probably limited his contract negotiations. And maybe they are blackballing him, but I don't give a shit. But at least he left a positive legacy for the youth of America (or, er, Korea).

David Wells - Can't push himself away from the table long enough to talk deal. 5.43 ERA and 1.54 WHIP last year - gave up 201 hits in 157 IP. Sucks donkey balls. Need me to create a sucktitude chart for you Mr. Weiner?

Kenny Lofton - OK, this might be the only truly employable guy on this list. In fact, he'll probably be on someone's team after the All-Star Break. So great job MLBPA...you're 1 for 7. You're the Chris Burke of players association complainers.

Ceai Complet: May 7, 2008

There is no greater impotence in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you.
- Norman Mailer

There is no greater impotence in all the world than when the room's already paid for.
- TJ

Ceai Complet: May 6, 2008

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. - Helen Rowland

I also regret that one time I appeared in an off-Broadway production of Sondheim's eponymous musical, mostly because of the tights, but I get her point. Whitney has fewer regrets than most.

Serious Topic, Handled Immaturely

Four of the five primary G:TB contributors have children, and Teejay is, for all practical purposes, an adolescent, so today we tackle the important and under-reported (at least here) question of child rearing. Specifically, since I know for an indisputable fact that the entire editorial staff here were knuckleheads of the highest order during college and the years that closely followed (defined as the years from graduation to right now, May 5, 2008), how much of that ribald debauchery do our kids get to know about as they grow?

Two things brought this subject to the top of my mind this weekend. Yesterday, I got up with some other suckers loving fathers to set up my daughter's elementary school for the annual Fun Fair. (It's every bit as awesome as you might imagine.) Towards the end of the effort, I was standing around shooting the breeze with a handful of other dads, when another father walked towards us with a conspiratorial look on his face. Seems he'd been cleaning up, and in the process came across a storage bag lent to the effort by some soon-to-be chagrined family.

With great flourish, he reached into the offending bag and pulled out a well-used 10" bong. At which point all of the rest of us first thought "Man, a quick binger would really hit the spot", and then unleashed our best "I know what that is but I'm gonna pretend I haven't used one in a while" banter. And the poor schmuck that forgot to take his paraphernalia out of his tent bag is gonna be the butt of PTO jokes for the foreseeable future, even as at least a few of us will make mental notes about the need to invite him to our next party. The Long-Haired Friend of Jesus of Suburbia, as it were.

Then, the Washington Post Magazine published a cover story on Sunday about the pros and cons of telling children about Mommy's past as a boozy, drug-dealing stripper (that's a bit of an exaggeration, though not entirely). Told mostly from a woman's point of view, the story once again had me calling local religious orders to ascertain costs and prerequisites for enrolling young girls.

This is by no means intended to start any kind of deep philosophical discussion about hypocrisy, parental authority, or global warming (threw that in there to increase the hit count - it's all about being green these days). But I put it to you, friends of G:TB, what are you telling your kids when they ask? And they will, about sex and drugs and booze and any number of other things we don't talk about at HOA meetings.

And who is planning to give Teejay "The Talk"?

!Feliz Cinco De Mayo!

Ceai Complet: May 5, 2008

SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. (AP) - Bill Bramanti will love Pabst Blue Ribbon eternally, and he's got the custom-made beer-can casket to prove it. "I actually fit, because I got in here," said Bramanti of South Chicago Heights.

The 67-year-old Glenwood village administrator doesn't plan on needing it anytime soon, though. He threw a party Saturday for friends and filled his silver coffin - designed in Pabst's colors of red, white and blue - with ice and his favorite brew.

"Why put such a great novelty piece up on a shelf in storage when you could use it only the way Bill Bramanti would use it?" said Bramanti's daughter, Cathy Bramanti, 42. Bramanti ordered the casket from Panozzo Bros. Funeral Home in Chicago Heights, and Scott Sign Co. of Chicago Heights designed the beer can.

Are we sure this guy isn't a McKenzie Brother? ("My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven, eh")

UPDATE: Courtesy of reader Brian C. in Connecticut, a picture of the actual beer coffin. And yes, it is as awesome as you imagined:

Ceai Complet: Commenter Shout-Outs

Anytime you can make "Cornbread" Mayhugh laugh for 10 minutes and it's not a Ziggy cartoon, you've done something right. In that light, this one's for you sir - similar hairdos, similar masculinity:

Ceai Complet: May 1, 2008

This morning on CNN.com, I can get a t-shirt with the headline, "911 Dispatcher Falls Asleep During Call", but I can't get one with "130-million-year-old poop sells for $960". That's a journalistic travesty. Somewhere, Buzz Bissinger is yelling at a potted plant.