I guess it was only a matter of time

Well, according to multiple sources, the guy who pulled back the curtain (much to Bud Selig's chagrin) on the Steroid Era in baseball will be returning to the diamond. That's right, Surreal Life 5 star (oh yeah, and 1988 AL MVP) Jose Canseco has signed a deal with the San Diego Surf Dawgs of the Golden Baseball League (the other famous Surf Dawg alum - Ricky Henderson). Fittingly, he'll make his debut Monday night against the Chico Outlaws.

My favorite part of this ridiuclous publicity stunt: Canseco will not just DH (fielding is absolutely out of the question) for the Surf Dawgs - he plans to pitch, or as the news release says, he "will showcase his knuckleball as a member of the team's pitching staff." That should go swimmingly.

Just so everyone can have a good chuckle, let's all remember back to the one and only time Canseco pitched in the bigs. He pitched the last inning of a Rangers blow-out loss to the Red Sox in May of 1993, walking the bases loaded and allowing three runs. And the kicker, if I remember correctly, is he destroyed his arm for good that day...though in retrospect maybe his arm fell apart for entirely different (STEROIDS) reasons (STEROIDS).

Happy NBA Draft from GTB

"...and with the 30th pick in the 1993 NBA Draft, the Washington Bullets take Gheorghe Muresan, Cluj University..."

"And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid"

"It was difficult for Twink to play with other children...He was different..."

Proving that no food combinations are too gross for the American public, apparently there is a new Twinkies Cookbook on the market. Yep, you read that right...for $12.95 you too can own 50 recipes utilizing America's favorite cream-filled sponge cake (no, not David Wells).

Some of my favorites:
- Twinkie Burrito
- Twinkie Lasagna
- Deep-fried Twinkies (winner)
- Twinkie Cheesecake
- Twinkie-Misu
- Twinkie Pancakes
- Twinkie Milkshake (a Twinkie and chocolate milk in a blender...relatively lame)
- Twinkie Sushi (someone want to explain this one to me? That sounds atrocious)

I'll leave you with this...there is only one remaining Twinkie factory. It's in Chicago. You know how many god damn Twinkies it still makes? 500 million a year.

Oh yeah, vote for Dan Uggla, All-Star...

The Good, the Bad...and the Uggla

With the NBA and NHL Finals behind us, and the MLB All-Star Game fast approaching, I thought it only appropriate to talk a little baseball today...

THE GOOD
The Detroit Tigers - Do you realize these guys are now 27 games over .500? They lead baseball with 52 wins already...three years ago they won a TOTAL of 43 games. They're the best road team in the majors. They havethe best ERA in the AL by over half a run. The Tigers staff has a league-leading 9 shutouts already. The Tigers?? Fucking incredible. They have a chain-smoking curmudgeon for a manager, a 1B who looks partially retarded, three OFs who could be the exact same guy as far as I'm concerned, a gay catcher and a rookie in the bullpen who throws 100 mph (with ease). How can you not root for these guys?

The New York Mets - I can't point out the best story in the AL without tipping my cap to the best team in the NL (by far). There is not much more I can write that Jerry or Whit haven't touched on so far this year, but let me just say that watching Jose Reyes run the bases almost seems like a once in a generation thing. He moves with Speedy Gonzalez ease around the bases, and it doesn't hurt that the kid's hitting .500 over the last two weeks. I am also ecstatic that someone, finally, is pummeling the Braves into submission in the NL East. The '94 Expos tip their caps to the '06 Mets.

The Kansas City Royals(?) - Yep, it's time I cut them some slack. When you suck this bad (I mean, Doug Mientkiewicz occasionally hits clean up for these guys) and can still win 6 out of 7 and 8 out of 11, I will stop referring to you as the Kansas City Poop. Plus, their dismantling of the Pirates last week means that despite the Royals still having the worst record in baseball (24-50), the Pirates (26-51) are actually a worse team. Get over it Pittsburgh - you at least have the All Star game this year. You don't give up 31 runs to the Royals over 3 games and pretend to be better than KC.

THE BAD
The Pittsburgh Pirates - I think we just covered these donkeys. Second worst team ERA in the NL and highest batting average against. I could've easily told you that as I've had not one, not two, but three Pittsburgh starters on my NL-only fantasy team (Ian Snell, Oliver Perez, Paul Maholm). Is there any doubt why I am in dead last, 40 points behind the league leader? The only thing Pittsburgh has going for it is Jason Bay, and with their luck, he'll get knocked unconscious by a foul ball during BP one of these days.

The St. Louis Cardinals pitching staff - Wow, for a team ten games above .500, this is one terrible collection of arms (can they really be the 2nd best team in the NL?). The Cards have lost 7 straight games and have been outscored 65-28 during that span. Jason Marquis, way to single-handedly destroy my fantasy teams ERA and WHIP in your last two starts (of course he joins the Pittsburgh triumvirate mentioned above, making this the worst rotation in the history of fantasy baseball). Mark Mulder at least gets a breather by going on the DL. Their closer, Jason Isringhausen, is contractually obligated to walk two hitters every appearance. I mean, Sidney Ponson is still making starts for St. Louis...Sidney Ponson.

Jay Mariotti, Ozzie Guillen, Barry Bonds, John Rocker - I don't like even mentioning these clowns...can we get them off the damn sports pages please? Go take a long walk off a short pier fellas. No one gives a shit.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...DANNY UGGLA
He of course would be the Florida Marlins rookie 2B and a huge favorite of TJ/Dennis/Jerry. Sure, maybe we only liked him at first because of the funny name (well, at least I did), but now we love him because the kid's damn good. He's a tad banged up right now, but should have his .313 avg (good for 9th best in the NL) back in the lineup any day now. Danny leads all NL 2B in batting average, slugging percentage and OPS. He's second in HRs and RBI. Pretty damn impressive for a 26 year old rookie who toiled in the minors for the last 5 years, if you ask me. Of course, the general public doesn't have a clue who he is (the fact he plays in front of 7,000 a night can't help), given he can't even crack the top 5 in All-Star voting. Why don't we try to help the guy out and get him to Pittsburgh for the big game...vote early and vote often people.

T...G...I...F

And what a wonderful Friday it is. Just when the last day of the work week wants to bend you over and treat you like an extra on Oz, the Starbucks downstairs opens...and I mainline a venti coffee while listening to the Will Smith classic "Summertime". Wired? Yeah, I'd say that...anyhoo, this is really just a way to work in my favorite commercial of the last 12 months, the "Glen" Starbucks ad. As an added bonus this morning, GTB's favorite Chicago bond trader emailed us this video...I am speechless. Enjoy.

"Glen's the man, Going to work, Got his tie, Got ambition..."

A Remake I'd See

"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

Bob Huggins (Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith) - Couldn't find the BAC, so let's try this instead: "Slurred speech. Watery eyes. Staggered from car. Didn't complete a Breathalyzer. Failed field sobriety tests. Vomit on the driver's side door." That my friends is leadership defined..much like George Peppard as Hannibal, Huggy is a true leader of men and a role model (just ask protege assistant Keith LeGree). Both master tacticians, Coach Huggins is also know to do his best work while "on the jazz", and he was often heard telling Nickie Van Poo Poo after games "I love it when a plan comes together." His wacky plans are sure to work at Kansas State (and the disguises will come in handy when they go 6-20), especially his affinity for the pincer movement. Watch out Big 12! Hell, I even think Hannibal's fashion sense fits Huggins perfectly.

Eddie Sutton (Captain "Howlin' Mad" Murdock) - 0.22 BAC, three times the legal limit. Well done sir. Much like Murdock, I consider Coach Sutton simply crazy...I mean, the guy was having envelopes full of cash delivered to recruits. However, there is that part of me that wonders if Sutton, like Dwight Schultz, just has us all played for fools. Is he a 69 year old drunk head coach, or a sober genius pretending to be drunk so he didn't have to coach basketball black hole JamesOn Curry? (look at the name! come on!) And much like Murdock's renowned flying ability, Sutton can operate any and all vehicles while three sheets to the wind. It's well-documented.

JJ Redick (Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck) - 0.11 BAC. JJ Redick? Seriously, wow. Redick apparently found time away from pole smoking and poem writing to throw back a few Tecatas and blow that 0.11. Face was the A-Team's pretty boy...and always the worst in the fight sequences. Great with the ladies, terrible pansy otherwise. Sounds like JJ to me. Christ, even George Peppard was kicking more ass. You know what, Dirk Benedict should be upset about this...Redick is doing his character a disservice (well, that is until JJ pulls a bigger con than Face ever imagined - getting some stupid NBA GM to make him a lottery pick).

Chris Henry (Sergeant Bosco "B.A." Baracus) - 0.09 BAC. Not too shabby, but then let's tack on the gun charge, the weed charge and the latest efforts to out-Vick Marcus Vick (all in the last 7 months I believe). Perhaps he should've invited JJ over to urinate on the ladies? Bad Attitude seems way too kind of a nickname for this kid. Rumor was Marvin Lewis had to sedate him before team flights ("I die before I fly")...or was the rumor that he perhaps self-medicated with Chaz and T.J. Housh prior to flying? Moving on...Henry can often be overheard calling Sutton "a crazy fool."

Bonus Associates:
Erin Lashnits (aka the chick who played the Stanford Tree) (Amy Allen) - 0.15 BAC. Young Ms. Lashnits will play the role of Amy Allen, the newspaper reporter that followed the A-Team around (annoyingly) in Seasons 1 and 2 (I know, a little too geeky there...even geekier? She worked for the L.A. Courier). Erin impressed casting directors with her ability to be tossed from a Stanford basketball game for being hammered, all while wearing the big, goofy tree mascot outfit.

Esteban Loaiza (Frankie "Dishpan" Santana) - I couldn't find the BAC, but 120 mph at 3:30 in the morning? Yep. Definitely shitfaced. A late edition to this contrived post, Loaiza doesn't really belong, but then again, neither did Dishpan Santana. He was tacked on as the "fifth" A-Team member in Season 5, and he never really managed to fit in. In fact, let's pretend this never happened (much like Billy Beane wishes he never dropped $21 mil on Loaiza).

This is "offensive"? Really?

Watch out, those feathers will fuck you up. Yep, unbeknownst to me, the NCAA in mid-May added my alma mater to a list of eight offenders banned from displaying its logo at NCAA functions because it is "hostile" or "offensive". It's two fucking feathers. Myles Brand has his head so far up his ass I'm shocked he doesn't suffocate. This guy couldn't manage a Long John Silver's. I'm honestly not sure who the bigger dumbass is, Brand or Bud Selig? Props to William and Mary Prez Gene Nichol, who stated what we've been saying for years about Brand and the felchers at the NCAA...their decisions "are neither comprehensible nor capable of being sensibly defended."

With all apologies to the fine gents at Fire Joe Morgan…

...I simply could not in good conscience let this slide. Maybe it’s the fact I’m still in my office right now, maybe it’s the lack of anything good to read on the interweb today, but I find myself compelled to pick on the functionally retarded “work” of ESPN.com’s John Kruk:

THOSE ENIGMATIC REDS

There is absolutely no chance in hell John Kruk knows what “enigmatic” means, let alone how to spell it. He definitely shakes down Tim Kurkjian in the hallways for snappy columnette titles.

Right now the Reds are one of the hottest teams in baseball, and it's extremely hard to pinpoint why that is after poring over their stats.

Ok, John, since you're too lazy to click a mouse, let me give it a shot – THEY’RE SECOND IN THE NL IN RUNS SCORED. SECOND IN OBP. SECOND IN SLUGGING % AND FIRST IN OPS. What in god’s name are you talking about, fat man? And wait a second, he spelled pouring wrong…good god... [EDITOR'S NOTE: I spelled it wrong...Kruk's assistant spelled it right. But he's still a moron.]

They are one of the worst defensive teams in the league, they don't pitch particularly well and they strike out too much. That isn't the normal recipe for success in baseball.

Hey JACKASS! Yes, you. 7th in the league in ERA, 6th in WHIP, FIRST in K/BB and, most importantly, FIRST in Wins. When my staff includes such luminaries as Aaron Harang, “Hector” Elizardo Ramirez and Eric Milton, I’d say the numbers above are pretty impressive.

Somehow this team has been able to thrive without any of the normal ingredients for a great season. The Reds have a lot of power in their lineup and can hit the ball out of the park from anywhere in their lineup. Heck, even Bronson Arroyo has a couple dingers this season. Cincy's pitching staff understands what it needs to do to win games. They know they can give up five runs and still get a W because the offense is capable of putting up eight or nine runs.

Well, let’s see. They’re a run-scoring juggernaut who adequately holds the opposition in check...seems like a successful strategy to me.

This team plays with confidence. Every time they step on the field, they believe they are going to win. They smartly imported a couple of veterans who'd been in winning situations before, such as Rich Aurilia, Scott Hatteberg and Eric Milton. Those are guys who've been in the playoffs and know what sacrifices it takes to get there.

I know what he's going for here, but when I think veteran leaders with solid playoff experience I don't think Rich Aurilia (13 postseason games), Scott Hatteberg (14 postseason games) and Eric Milton (started 2 games in the postseason).

If this team keeps up its unorthodox, winning ways, we could see those three veterans in another postseason series.

Thanks, great finish. Can't wait to see those donkeys in October.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Happy Armageddon

"It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine"

Wasn't Wite-Out invited by Monkee Mike Nesmith's mom?

I was all set to make a triumphant return with useless baseball rants (I mean, the Royals? What a debacle) and the traditional oddball news story (Exhibit A your honor), but then I became transfixed watching the Suns/Mavs track meet last night and I decided to go another route (I guess that made me a "Nowitzness"). For 3+ quarters that was a fantastic game, with the Mavs finally pulling away behind the superb play of one Dirk Nowitzki (50 and 12 last night)...and that's where our story begins. Watching Dirk last night, I realized he has already jumped onto one of the most (made up) prestigious lists in NBA history. What list you say? Well, since I am a racist S.O.B. (speaking of racism, if you haven't seen the South Park "Gingers" episode, do so immediately - perhaps the greatest work Cartman has ever done), you might guess where this is going. I started compiling in my head the greatest whiteys to ever grace the NBA hardwood (and I don't want to hear about Dirk being a European whitey rather than a homegrown whitey...he's still pale as a ghost and that gets him on this list) and I feel the Chancellor of the Charity Stripe debuts on the charts at #9, with some serious potential to climb into the Top 5 if his career path continues as it has. Enough rambling from me...GTB is now proud to present the

Top Ten Honkeys in NBA History* (you bet your ass this is a subjective list...just look at #10)

1. Larry Bird - Do I really need to go into any detail here?
2. Jerry West - Yep, the league based its logo on him, that's good enough for me. Though I'll never understand his last few drafts in Memphis.
3. John Havlicek - The first of four Celtics on this list. Too many you say? Get over it assface, I say.
4. Bill Bradley - Runs one helluva political campaign too.
5. George Mikan - I gotta throw the old guy a bone. Besides, who else has a practice drill named after them? As far as I can tell, it's just Mikan and Jimmy Suicide of the 82-83 San Diego Clippers.
6. John Stockton - Why is he above Cousy? Because I actually saw this guy play games, and don't have to catch all his higlights via Zapruder film.
7. Bob Cousy - Bonus points for his complete destruction of the English language during all Celts broadcasts.
8. Kevin McHale - Also makes the prestigious "Ugliest Guys in NBA History" list. Quite an achievement for Kev, but don't expect to see him on any "Best GMs in History" list.
9. Dirk Nowitzki - Sure, the Suns might not be able to guard Lumpless Gravy, but the guy still has been phenomenal in this series (minus Game 4) and the playoffs overall. Dirk Diggler is now the bigtymer he (and Mr. Nelson) always dreamed he could be. Cue the Night Ranger.
10. Gheorghe Muresan - Did you seriously think I would do this list without giving Big Gheorghe props? By the way, since I have been a deadbeat these last two weeks, I probably haven't mentioned that I now have an autographed photo of Gheorghe adorning my cube. Good times indeed.

*Apologies to: Dave DeBusschere, Chris Mullin, Pete Maravich
*A seatbelt and airbag to: Drazen Petrovic, Bobby Hurley
*A flaming bag of poop to: Greg Kite, Luc Longley, Jack Sikma, Tom Chambers (though he was awesome in NBA Jam), Vlade Divac, Dolph AND Danny Schayes
*A first class letter bomb to: Greg Ostertag, Raef LaFrentz