Nattering Nabobs of Non-Productivity

Meandering across the world to bring you all manner of useless inanity while avoiding, avoiding, avoiding the press of responsibility.

We commend to you the fine work of Wheelhouse Jerry, who offers a primer on the workings on the European soccer system. I've long believed the relegation concept is brilliant, and should be applied to any number of American institutions. Congress, for example, or the entertainment industry. "Sorry, Senator Burris, you failed to pass any meaningful legislation this session - you'll be in the House next term. But you, Congressman Shuler, buckle up - you get a seat at the big boys' table."

Not to get into a deep philosophical argument about the sanctity of life, but the doctor that green-lighted fertility treatments leading to octuplets for a woman who already had 6 kids and was living in her mother's house should have his or her license revoked. We don't need to go as far as China's one-child policy, but common sense would be a nice baseline.

In a game that nobody east of Ann Arbor watched, Gonzaga took advantage of an injury to St. Mary's Patty Mills to best the Gaels, 69-62. I'm sick and tired of time zones.

Via @attackerman on Twitter (where you can follow Friends of GTB @stormingthefloor as well as @midmajority and your humble scribe @batogato, among millions of others), the UK's top military commander is named Jock Stirrup. Dude's an action hero.

I have no, zero, zilch, nada Super Bowl plans. I will watch the game while my wife reads on the couch next to me. I've not yet determined how I feel about this development. In order to fulfull my obligation as a lower-tier sports/general interest blogger, I predict the Steelers will win 24-13 in a game that has all the excitement of watching a boa constrictor subdue and consume a rat.

Roughly 30% of the G:TB staff will be trekking to New Orleans April 24-26 for JazzFest. Good seats are still available on our party bus. Whitney needs a chaperone, so please contact me if you are interested.

Requiem for a Season

Towson 69, William & Mary 56

At least our adopted team hung on to win.

Message From a Fan

Our readers should be well aware that (one of) Gheorghe's adopted team(s), Wake Forest, takes the hardwood tonight against the nation's number one ranked team, the Duke Blue Devils. As they do, our staff would like to wish them the best of luck in what should be a brilliant contest. A win here would land the Deacs in waters not even the purest of fans dreamed they would dip - at least this soon in the post-Prosser era. And while we'd love to share all the well-wishes that have poured into the G:TB Fanmail Inbox over the past several days, there's no possible way we could do it justice in this space. However, there is one particular message from a hoops fanatic that we thought deserved a little air time...

Dropping Science

As the great rabbi Hillel the Elder was wont to say, "And if not now, when?". While he was speaking in a more Talmudic sense, his rhetorical philosophizing suits my purposes just fine this afternoon, reduced as I am to gimmickry in chronicling the William & Mary Tribe. (Also, I'm really looking forward to the Ghoogles involving highly confused rabbinical scholars and a handful of perplexed Palestinians.)

W&M's in the throes of an exasperating season, made all the more so after last year's (seemingly) one shining moment. The Tribe's current 5-game skid has them at 6-13, good for last place in the CAA with a 1-8 conference mark. As Michael Litos has noted, they can't score and they can't keep opponents from scoring, despite a disciplined approach and unquestionable desire. Ken Pomeroy tells us that the Tribe is 264th in the country in offensive efficiency and 182nd in defensive efficiency. The signs, they are bleak.

But in the next four days, hope's undying embers cast their warmth on Tribe, um, Nation. First Towson (tonight) and then Georgia State (Saturday) come to Williamsburg in a bottom-feeder invitational Tom Yeager would just as soon ignore. KenPom gives W&M better than 70% chances of victory in both games, and with only one more really good chance of sneaking out of the conference's cellar before the season ends, Tony Shaver's boys must make hay this week.

For if not, the Tribe will take its season's description from a very different set of Jewish scholars, Mike D, MCA, and Ad Rock, who proclaimed things to be "even more over than the mayor Ed Koch".

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

Sitting here in the cheap seats it's sometimes difficult to ascertain a method to the madness around us. In the curious case of the Washington Nationals, we could be sitting on Ted Lerner's lap (and don't think Teejay hasn't thought about it) and still not catch a whiff of logic's gently sweet smell.

In the midst of an offseason of near-misses and false starts flavored with a generous dollop of public inactivity, the Nats topped themselves yesterday, tapping meathead extraordinaire Rob Dibble to do color on the team's television broadcasts. The outspoken (read: loud and frequently loud wrong) Dibble, who made his bones on the field as a meaner Nuke Laloosh, fills a glaring gap in the Nats' television profile. The team, admittedly, has gone years without an aggressive dick in the booth.

I have no objection whatsover to former athletes manning a broadcast post. They bring a distinct perspective - one that's impossible for a non-player to replicate. Legions of former pros in every sport do terrific work. Legions are boring cliche-spouters, too, but that's not really the point. Dibble, though, represents the worst of the modern athlete, his loud, bullying, close-minded and arrogant braying masking any particular insight earned during his playing career.

Nationals General Manager Stan Kasten embraced Dibble, saying, "We are thrilled to have a talent like Rob Dibble join our broadcast crew. His enthusiasm and knowledge will quickly make him very popular among Nationals viewers. Rob and I talked today about the three things we know he will be: honest, informative and fun." That, and an intemperate, loutish boor, so we've got that going for us. (For the record, loutish boor may be redundantly repetitive, but it's early, I'm only on my first cup of coffee, and Dibble's so overqualified in this area that it may still fit.)

We have to hand it to the Nats' brain trust, though. After weeks of public pummelling from the likes of The Washington Post's Thomas Boswell over the team's inability to meaningfully improve their on-field product, the Nats took a bold step in reframing their overall entertainment image. Not one we agree with, clearly, but a bold step nonetheless. The mind's eye wanders forward now to a hazy, sweat-soaked mid-August evening, when the 34-71 Nats host the 41-64 Pirates in front of 12,458 in the Nation's Capital. The ballpark isn't full, and the fans are restless, but the dozens of viewers on MASN are locked in, rapt in anticipation of Rob Dibble's insightfully nuanced offerings.

As a wiser scribe than I once said (way more than once, actually): What you're doing, Mr. Lerner, I'm not seeing it.

Twelve Inches

In honor of the National Capital Region's first winter storm of the season, we give you Danny O'Brien.

Informer, you know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame/A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane.

(We're efforting the video version, but the bastards at the record label appear to have a fairly vigilant copyright protection office.)

Leader in the Clubhouse

Neko Case has a new album out soon, which is noteworthy all on its own. But even more interesting to this observer is the cover art. In this age of downloads, the physical properties of our music purchases take on a long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away quality. That inevitable trend might slow for a moment or two, though, if more musicians dropped this kind of art-school crazy on us:

It's just another manic Monday

I wish it was Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
My I don't have to runday...

This week's list of ghoogles, much like Slider's johnson, is long but distinguished:

• ain't got shit
• kenya kilgore
• gheorghe
• friday you ain't got no shit to do
• howard swint's wv blog
• sandra scream
• lots of games for £5 .00
• john staluppi, felon
• lance armstrong
• Danilo Galinari
• ogie oglethorpe jersey
• tiny zeus
• bucking for a promotion pederast hanrahan
• its friday, you aint got no job, aint got shit to do sounds
• chandy drink
• its friday you got no job you aint got shit to do
• movie It's Friday I aint got a job. I aint got shit to do
• gerald brown + charlottesville
• you ask me if a got a god complex let me tell you something
• moving violations movie bowling ball
• pepto bismol biz markee
• making fuck berzerker
• it's friday and you aint got shit else to do
• name of blonde guy in real genius
• pauper to a pawn
• jodeci site:blogspot.com
• Gheorghe Stefanov blog
• if i don't win the lottery ill kill myself
• new york times misprint, wisconsin "may 24, 2007"
• Trade Daniel lottery luxury villa
• Donald Marcari ambulance
• bound and gagged baby sitter
• gheorghe blog
• hakeem nix stats
• edict for sending out invitations for a destination wedding
• Darryl Greene teaneck
• DVWN.com
• christmas eve in washington
• i won the lottery blog
• if your not a steeler fan you ain't shit
• jodeci
• its friday...we aint got shit to do
• jj hardy girlfriend
• entire cast roster for teen wolf
• "Booty time, booty time across the U.S.A." It's booty time, booty time
• making fuck
• rob fuck
• i'm back like cooked crack shirt
• who sings come to build a fire
• corporate accounts speaking just a moment
• Georgia State University Fight Song Panther Pride Georgia State
• fatal reunion erika kills
• fuck rob
• tom hammonds dunk youtube
• acl jokes
• Jodeci Blog
• ralph wiley on Steven Segal
• hail-fellow-well-met
• girls from jmu basketball 2003 to 2007
• gheorge the blog
• circle jerk blogs
• keith hernandez is a terrible commentator
• youraveragejimmy
• eddie money cheesy
• dewon brazelton wife
• ricardo rincon sued 2003
• coconut banger ball
• gheorghe blog

Return of the Superfan

The Futile Superfan Chronicles have suffered this season from a decidedly depressing confluence of professional obligations and personal ennui, and almost certainly as a direct result, the William & Mary Tribe has scuffled to a 6-12 mark, 1-7 in the Colonial Athletic Association. Everything changes today, friends. The Superfans are back, and so is the Tribe.

Tony Shaver's boys travel to Philly today to take on G:TB fave Bruiser Flint's Drexel Dragons at 4:00. (Of note, the George Mason @ VCU tilt at the same time is televised here in the Mid-Atlantic and will be worth the price of admission. Definitely worth the price of sitting on the couch with a couple of beers.) W&M's lack of athleticism has been a problem this year, a weakness that their laudable effort and precision hasn't overcome. The Tribe is last in the league in scoring offense in conference play, tallying a meager 55.6 points per game and shooting an anemic 36.7% from the field. The Tribe is next to last in the league in defensive rebounding, and while they take good care of the basketball, they lag far behind the league leaders in assists - they're not turning disciplined offense into baskets, and they don't get a lot of easy points.

Bygones. The run starts today. Remember where you heard it.

And finally, while G:TB doesn't care much for women's basketball as an entertainment option, we recognize greatness in all forms. Kay Yow was a great, on and off the court. We send our sympathy to her family and to the N.C. State community.

Lance Armstrong, C'mon on Down!

Congratulations Lance Armstrong! You have joined Brett Favre and Roger Clemens on the short list of famous athletes who squandered all the goodwill they ever earned. For that reason (and several others), you will headline the inaugural class of the G:TB's Anti-Gheorghe Hall of Fame.

Mr. Armstrong, you are a contrarian pick. Some folks know you as a legendary cyclist and an advocate for cancer research. But those memories are fading fast. What's being left in the flotsam is a picture of an over-the-hill athlete desperately trying to stay relevant.

Nobody gives a poop if you are riding a bike in Australia. So put away your Schwinn. And how about coming clean regarding your enhanced race performances in the past? The entire rest of the field was doped up to their eyeballs, yet you bested them all after battling cancer? Really? That's the silliest thing we've heard since somebody tried to convince us Liu Chunhong was a woman. Maybe you were sipping from Floyd Landis' magic Jack Daniels bottle all those years.

So you're probably wondering why we nominated you. Fair enough. First, it's for using your love of fame and your front as a cancer research advocate as a platform for sticking your distorted johnson into every B-list female celebrity you meet at parties. Second, we picked you because you walked out on your wife (pictured above) and children after THEY STOOD BY YOU FOR YEARS AS YOU FOUGHT CANCER. I'd have to revert to unprecedented font sizes to get this point across with appropriate vigor.

Men don't care about cycling. And they are tired of you hogging the front page of papers, magazines and web sites. Women loathe you as well. You lost their support when you abandoned your family for tramps like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson and an Olsen twin.

When I have to make poop and I turn to my wife's US Weekly for some mindless on-the-potty reading to occupy me for 15 minutes, I want to see celebrity sluts with big breasts, little bikinis and hard nipples. I do not want to see a photo shoot of you jogging in Malibu with movie stars. The only Malibu dude I want to see while I'm taking the browns to the super bowl is my boy B-Rad.

For a guy who is allegedly focused on finding a cure for cancer, you seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get into the tiny pants of an Olsen twin. For that, we say shame on you. And we welcome you to the Anti-Gheorghe Hall of Fame, population you.

Can you feel the magic in this post

Teejay felt verrrry strongly that this needed to reach you this morning. We don't quite know why, but here goes.

It's A Brand New Day...

Don't worry, I'm not about to make this a political post. First, I'm sure nobody wants to hear it. Second, and more importantly, I don't know nearly enough to even pretend to speak knowledgeably about politics.

No, no. I'm here today because the Orlando Magic have the best record in the NBA. The Orlando Magic. Have the best record in the NBA. In late January. While this may not seem like much to most people. This is quite a feat for a franchise that has seen more uniforms than All-Stars in its 20 years of existence (Grant Hill's All-Star selection doesn't count because it was pity/charity and Grant Hill can lick my dick).

The final confirmation of this Magic team's legitimacy came this past week when the Magic went 4-0 on a west coast swing that included the Spurs, Lakers and Nuggets. Make no mistake about it, the Magic are for real. Do I think they'll win the title this year? No. Do they have a better chance than since I was in high school? Absolutely. Most importantly, the core of this team is young and they are coached by, in my estimation, the league's most underrated coach in Stan Van Gundy.

Now, I'm sure you're excited to read along as I dissect every strength and flaw of this Magic team but, I'm sorry to inform you that I'm not here to do that. Nope.

Don't worry, I'll be talking about the Magic a bit but I'm also here to pontificate and preach about something I do know a lot about (or at least think I do)...basketball. According to my opinion, the Super Bowl bye week is when the 8% of Americans that still watch both the NBA and college basketball collectively tune in to both (on a regular basis) and start giving a damn. So, in honor of that I present you with a collection of disjointed thoughts on, basketballing.

- Ever since UNC lost a couple games earlier this season, analysts have been breaking down why, and they've focused largely on Carolina's poor defense on the perimeter. Rightfully so, Ty Lawson plays Steve Nash style D (one swipe and turn as your man goes past you) and Wayne Ellington is basically the black JJ Redick (only not as consistent a shooter) but one guy that nobody talks about is Tyler Hansbrough. As good as Hansbrough is, he's not especially big or athletic and thus is horrible at protecting the rim. As a result of this, anytime somebody gets past the first level of Carolina's D they have a free pass to the rim. Hansbrough's might be back there but he's not quick enough laterally or bouncy enough to really deter a player with a head of steam from going straight at the rim.

- Speaking of bad defensive big men who don't get enough blame for their team's defensive struggles, Amare Stoudemire is absolutely the worst post defender (among high level bigs) in the NBA. He doesn't even try half the time. Steve Nash gets a lot of shit for his lack of defense but he is somewhat athletically limited in what he can do. Stoudemire is athletic, long and strong enough to be a terror from both the weakside and in one-on-one matchups. He's below average, at best, defensively and he's hasn't improved in years. I'll say it now, any team that goes after him in 2010 is completely fucking crazy. Besides the lack of D, he has a questionable attitude, a history of injuries and he's played most of his career with an elite PG. The guy's going to fall off the cliff faster than Antoine Walker if/when he leaves the Suns.

- There are a number of reasons the Magic have jumped a level this year, but one that's slipping through the cracks is the play of Courtney Lee. The 22nd pick in the draft is terrific, and he's getting better with each passing month. Stan Van Gundy (not known to be fond of rookies) has already annointed him as Orlando's best on-ball defender, he's athletic, fearless (see the dunk he attempted on Lamar Odom last Friday?), shoots it well and is an extremely underrated passer. I'm not exaggerating when I say I think he has a good chance to make and All-Star team or two down the line.

- As good as Lee is, he's never going to be as good as my two current favorite players to watch in the NBA, Brandon Roy and Joe Johnson. Both are smooth scorers who fly under the radar of casual NBA fans because of the ease at which they seem to play the game. Johnson's bigger than Roy while Roy may be just a bit more athletic than Johnson but their games are strikingly similar. Both can play either guard spot and are terrific shooters off the dribble. Their shooting ability opens up driving lanes for them where they use their size to finish consistently. LeBron and Kobe get most of the headlines because the way in which they score is so spectacular/skillful but Johnson and Roy are worth tuning into whenever you get the chance.

- I think the time has come for the media to acknowledge the fact that Tracy McGrady is no longer an elite player. Hell, he's not even an All-Star anymore in my opinion. He's always been soft (the kind of guy who goes out of his way to wince and make it apparent he's playing through pain) but he's also broken at this point. He's like an NFL tailback at 30-31. He has too many miles on his body. He's had a bad back for nearly a decade and his knees have been problematic for the last couple of years. I'm not breaking any news here, this is something that everybody who follows the NBA knows. So...if you were offered Chauncey Billups and Tayshaun Prince for McGrady last summer, why wouldn't you jump on it?

I don't know. Somebody should ask Daryl Morey though because, reportedly, thats the offer that he turned down from the Pistons. I know Morey is kind of a "moneyball" guy, but at some point you have to understand that McGrady's is a case of diminishing returns from here on out. Can you imagine sending the Battier/Prince combo out defensively against your opponent's best perimeter player each night? How much better would Billups make Yao? (Ask Nene). I heard this report two weeks ago and I'm still baffled at the thinking behind Morey's decision.

- Back to the Magic, nobody has killed Jameer Nelson more than I in the past few years. In my mind, heis ideal role was that of a backup PG on a championship team. However, his play this year has won me over. He's scoring more, while shooting a better percentage and, most importantly, he's playing decisively. He's no longer leaving the ground with no idea what he's doing, he's learned to split the double team off the pick and roll as good as anybody other than Dwyane Wade and he's turned into a killer in the 4th quarter (see: Friday night in LA). His play makes the Magic a completely different team offensively. Now, instead of relying soley upon Hedo Turkoglu to create shots late in games, the Magic has two players who are equally good at creating shots for themselves and their teammates.

- The next time that Kansas is on, tune in until you see Cole Aldrich on screen. He is, in every way possible, Joel Pryzbilla 2.0.

- A few years ago I wrote about how angry it made me that NBA GMs (and TJ) didn't see the distinct possibility of Tayshaun Prince and Josh Howard becoming good NBA players. Well, get ready to hear a similar rant from me this June when Lousiville's Terrence Williams doesn't get selected until late in the 1st round (if he goes in the 1st at all). Most of the same reasons apply, he's a 4 year starter for a consistently good program in a good/very good conference. He has a well rounded game, he's unselfish and he's outstanding defensively. Isn't that exactly what you want out of the 4/5/6 guys in your rotation? In addition, he's big and athletic enough to guard two positions (sg/sf) in the NBA. Just wait, guys like Tulsa's Jerome Jordan will go 10-15 spots higher than Williams and never make half the impact that Williams does in the NBA.

- Dwight Howard thinks that Magic play-by play guy David Steele looks like George Bush. As a result of this, he began calling Steele "Mr. President" a year or so ago. Well, somewhat recently, Steele entered the Magic locker room as Young Jeezy's "My President" was playing. So, now whenever Steele interviews Howard after games (which is often) he finishes it up by saying to Dwight, "My president is black". To which Dwight replies, "My Lambo's blue!". I almost fell out of my chair laughing the first time I heard it and I still get a good chuckle out of it each time I hear it again.

I bet you didn't think I could tie the picture up top into this post, did you?

Thursday Filler: Fashion is Dumb

A little morning inspiration for you as you embark on your New Year's resolution to develop your traps.

I know what you're thinking when you look at this picture, and I agree - Who buys silver bathing suits these days?

An afternoon filler double dip

Afternoon everybody. Wanted to share this "Fashion is dumb" pic with you:


Any guess who this douche is? No? That's OK...it's Hulk Hogan's kid Nick. You know, the really good driver.

And while I'm here, how 'bout some ghoogles:

• timecircuitsfirday
• antisister
• games for 5 year and above
• angry blog you wouldn't like it when i'm angry
• I've been through the dessert on a horse
• weird bartender moynihan
• Get me hamm on 2 hold the mayo
• panescu george blog
• sh!ting bricks
• nhl trivia
• corporate accounts speaking just a moment
• blog gheorghe stepanov
• gheorghe stefanov blog's
• jerk blog
• reggae version of everybody knows your name
• gheorge the blog
• christmas eve in washington
• gay nfl
• gheorghe stefanov blog
• fratural
• mike frensley
• G/TB

Testing out the new poll feature

It appears we are really struggling for content on this post-inaugural work day, so Tiny Dictator insisted we make my last comment on yesterday's post today's content. Does that sentence even make sense? Ah, who knows, or cares. It also allows me to toy around with the blogger poll widget, which you will find at the bottom of the right nav bar. Enjoy, donkeys.

Better "Jacob's Ladder": the Huey Lewis tune or the creepy Tim Robbins film?

Discuss.

* * * *

Whitneypedia appendage:

The song "Jacob's Ladder" was a hit for Huey Lewis and the News, but it was written by Williamsburg's own Bruce Hornsby, and Bruce does a fine version of his song himself.

Another, more popular Bruce did a version of the traditional folk song "Jacob's Ladder" (that was popularized in part by Pete Seeger) on his recent Seeger Sessions album.

Pete Seeger also popularized the song "Little Boxes," a cover of which was recently recorded by Elvis Costello and aired on the Showtime show Weeds.

Elvis Costello's first edition of his Attractions backing band was comprised mainly of the musicians in the band Clover, which was . .

wait for it . . .

Huey Lewis's first band.






Let's see someone do that kind of six degrees thing with the Tim Robbins movie...

Insert Maudlin Overdramatic 'Dawn of a New Era' Sentiment Here

I won't waste your time with a lot of unoriginal thoughts on today's inauguration, except to say that I'm more than a little overwhelmed by the buzz. From that perspective, the bar has been set incredibly high for President Obama. Fortunately for him, the competence bar is pegged at subterranean levels after the last 8 years.

But I come here not to bury President Bush, but to praise G:TB's own Teejay (pictured below), who is putting aside his partisan views and celebrating President Obama's inauguration with the good people of the State Society of Arizona. We expect a full report tomorrow.

monday filler - metastyle

Lots going on in the GTB corporate offices on the eve of the inauguration. In the absence of time and inclination, we'll just fill space today with Rhymenocerous' direct pitch in sending this gem to me and Teejay:

"We have to put this up as a filler one day. It's the 15 second Prilosec OTC commercial where the woman does the absolutely lamest dance in the history of white people.

She looks like a cross between Elizabeth Banks and Linda Cohn, and she dances like she's a half-drunk W&M co-ed on the Unit M dance floor.

It may not hit you at first, but watch the last 6-9 seconds a few times in a row. The "point to the sky and turn" move is astoundingly painful. I have no idea how the director thought that was the move to capture (unless that guy is married to a former half-drunk W&M co-ed).

One of these days I'll learn how to do the YouTube clip post. Today is not that day."

Because it's Friday. You ain't got shit to do...

I'm quite sure that this will make a number of people's Friday afternoon just a little better, but I'm posting this for two guys specifically

TeeJay and Greg...gift:

I pity the fool

who does not also enjoy my new favorite informercial:

Where in the World is...?

Today's contestant on the just created and soon to fail G:TB game show (that is a blatant rip-off of the Carmen Sandiego program of a similar name) is....

Plaxico Burress.

So, Where in the World is Plax? Why a Carl's Jr. in Centreville (Hi Mayhugh!) Utah in fact (I guess Centreville is near Salt Lake City). You were going to say Lebanon, PA weren't you? Wrong. Plax is like Screwface in "Marked for Death"...he's everywhere.

Man's pistol blasts toilet to pieces

The public toilet at Centerville's Carl's Jr. restaurant never knew what hit it. But police say it was a .40-caliber slug fired from a patron's handgun, which went off as he was hitching up his pants.

Police Lt. Paul Child said the bullet shattered the toilet and sent sharp shards into the man's arm. The minor injuries were treated at the scene.

The toilet? A total loss.

Police said the man told them his pistol fell out of the holster and fired into the toilet as he was pulling up his pants.

"The gun fell out of the holster, striking the tile floor," Child said. "When the gun hit the floor, it went off. ... The man was hit by some of the porcelain in the arm, causing some small lacerations."

No one else was injured in the accident, but a woman in an adjacent restroom reported chest pain after being frightened by the shot. She did not go to a hospital.

Tune in next week when we attempt to locate Willie Aames and Jeremy Hyatt.

When you're on a roll...

Hate to trump that heartfelt good-bye to Ricardo Montalban, but when poop news hits the wires, G:TB is there. Once again, the great state of Florida brings you the important fecal news of the day:

Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous.

I am unfamiliar with the denizens of Clearwater, but I'm pretty sure not being able to distinguish a feces-throwing monkey from a resident of Clearwater is a negative. Might want to get the Chamber of Commerce working on something.

R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban

Sadly, Ricardo Montalban passed away Wednesday. He was 88. Best known for his work as Fantasy Island's Mr. Roarke and a pot-bellied Kirk's nemesis Khan, G:TB today chooses to remember Ricardo Montalban for his star turn in this 1975 Chrysler Cordoba commercial.



Rest in peace Vincent Ludwig.

Morning WTF

To each his freaky, freaky own.



(h/t to Andrew Sullivan)

Science for Dummies

We were the first on the scene back in July when the Large Hadron Collider threatened our very way of life (and you can thank us for saving the planet - when the truth comes out there'll be a whole bunch of embarrassed Swiss dudes and half of a cow costume). The LHC had a rough couple of months, fizzling and fluttering like an Eli Manning deep out upon its' initial test firing, but as the clip below shows, the good people (read: evil, scheming, would-be world dominators) at CERN have a sense of humor about it.

Gheorghe: The Blog, keeping you safe from instantaneous implosion for more than 6 months.

Monday Afternoon Ghoogles

Before we get to one of our more enjoyable bulleted lists to date (in my humble opinion), I wanted to make sure you all saw the best point guard in the Big East destroy this poor kid from Rutgers:



Now on with the show...

• is dustin pedroia hispanic
• Jamar Wilson
• ups whiteboard guy twin?
• tiny zeus
• delonte west blog
• fort peirce pooper
• jim nantz's annual salary
• warren roark nfl
• metal mustache middle east
• mary kay lady who pooped on porch
• dick vermeil christmas song
• mike gminski will ferrell
• meg bulger
• lawrence frank
• Dona Chepa+horse+january 2009
• Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
• tim tebow ESPN documentary "December 14 2005"
• ogie oglethorpe hockey jersey
• pee on rug
• staluppi mob
• Ryohei Shimabukuro
• shudder to think blog
• everything is coming up milhouse
• cool it now you've got to cool it now slow down
• weird things in florida
• dewon brazelton girlfriend
• nba tyrone hill girlfriend
  

Monday Morning Trivia: NHL Edition

Quick shot of trivia to start your day - Name the top 10 all-time NHL points leaders. I saw this list this morning and reflected fondly on the times when I used to care about professional hockey.

One clue - Five of these players played on the New York Rangers.

First prize winner gets a kiss on the mouth from TJ.

Because, why the hell not?

I have a million thoughts running in my head right now. Unfortunately, not many of them will make it out alive due to the celebratory tequila shots I was doing until the early morning hours. I tried to get many these thoughts down on paper last night when I arrived home in an effort to have them ready for a postgame column this afternoon. However, I neglected to remember that (a) I was drunk and could barely write and (b) nobody wants to hear me blather on about why I've grown to hate Bob Stoops, why I think Jermaine Gresham is soft (extremely talented, but soft), how the hell Charles Davis has the job he has, my love for the PercyCat call on third and goal (and Percy in general), the unbelievable clutchness of Tebow on third down in the last two games and a million other things that don't matter to anybody but me and various other Gator fans.



I will say this though, the Florida secondary was awesome awesome awesome last night. Major Wright set the tone when he decapitated Manuel Johnson early in the 1st quarter and Janoris Jenkins (Can you say future Pro Bowler?) and Joe Haden held strong all night long. Never letting the Sooners get deep on them and tackling with efficiency throughout most of the night. And Ahmad Black brought it all to a fitting end with his unbelievable interception on Sam Bradford that changed the course of the game.



Certainly, there's no shortage of storylines from this game or within this Gator team but none are better than Black's. Out of position at corner just a year ago and then buried deeep on the depth chart at safety going into the spring, Black refused to give up and became one of the Gator's most dependable players and the team's #1 ballhawk while helping a secondary that was the worst I'd ever seen at Florida last year transform itself into the strength of a national championship defense.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have an appointment with a couple of packets of BC powder. A hangover never felt so good.

Slow news day in Fort Pierce?

I'd email this to Mark this morning with my usual sarcastic subject line of "take a wild guess where this occurred?", but I am quite certain he is still sound asleep with visions of Timmy Tebows dancing in his head. So instead I'll tackle this one, though I'm sure none of you will even give a crap about this.

Let's start with this - how is this item even worthy of a news "article"? Did they put it up simply as a punchline? I mean, I started laughing even before I finished the headline...

Visitor defecates on Fort Pierce woman's porch

FORT PIERCE — A 31-year-old woman on Wednesday found a likely unwelcome surprise on her porch -- a human bowel movement with an "overwhelming" stench, according to a police report released Thursday.

"Likely unwelcome surprise"? I'm most certain a human bowel movement on your porch is an unwelcome surprise, but that's just me.

The victim told investigators the doorbell to her home in the 700 block of Beach Court rang, and she saw a red Jeep Cherokee blocking the driveway. However, she didn't recognize the vehicle, so she didn't answer the door.

I guess she didn't realize red Jeep Cherokees are to home poop delivery what pink Cadillacs are to home cosmetic delivery.

A friend stopped by shortly afterward and told her a "human bowel movement" sat on the porch, describing the odor as "repugnant." Toilet paper also was on the porch "where the suspect attempted to clean themselves."

Hold on. (1) - Did the friend actually use the term "human bowel movement"? Who the hell talks like that? (2) - Since when do doorstep defecators bring toilet paper with them? Rhymo, can you hep us here?

The victim told police a neighbor indicated a heavy-set woman drove off in the red Jeep and that she was selling Mary Kay products.

Um, OK, you might not believe me, but I wrote that Mary Kay joke above before scrolling down and reading the entire article. So I'm keepin it in.

The victim told investigators the smell was "overwhelming and she had to clean it as soon as possible."

Police have no suspects and collected no evidence at the scene.

No evidence? What about the steamy, smelly human bowel movement sitting on the porch? Police also confirmed there is no truth to the rumor the lady called the shit "poop".

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod...

I'm sitting here at my computer and I can barely concentrate enough to type with any measure of skill. Normally, I avoid most of the fluff shows on ESPN but today I'm fucking First Take, okay not watching but I have it on and I'm listening. At this point, I'm watching and reading every single thing I can on tonight's National Championship game. It has completely consumed me. You might have thought that the fact that this is Florida's second Championship game in 3 years would serve to temper my enthusiasm, my nerves or my jeebusfuckingchristIcan'twaitanylonger sense of anticipation. Well, you'd be dead fucking wrong on all counts, sir. If anything, I'm more filled with these feelings today than I was at this same point two years ago.

A victory tonight would have far reaching implications for the University of Florida football program. A victory tonight would catapult an already elite football program into a rarified air that's only been seen by two major college football programs in the last 15-20 years. A victory tonight would forever change the face of Florida football. A victory tonight is something I'd sell one of my children for. So, it's good thing for them that I'm a deadbeat dad who lives multiple states away.

If you can't tell, I'm a bit jacked for this (one of the many reasons I'm not in Ft. Lauderdale right now...the adrenaline and the copious amounts of Lindo Coffee I'd be ingesting would probably have me keeled over from cardiac arrest by half) so I'm not even going to attempt a real analysis of this game. Instead, I'll just divide things up into two categories: Things I Don't Like about this game and Things I Like about this game.

Things I Like:

- Sam Bradford won the Heisman: I wanted Sam Bradford to win the Heisman. I rooted for Sam Bradford to win the Heisman. I clapped out loud at the bar when Sam Bradford was announced as the Heisman winner. If you look at history, Heisman winners have been less than spectacular in their bowl games. Matt Leinart is the only recent Heisman winner who had a big bowl game (against OU & in the same stadium). Just last year, Tim Tebow was off and definitely not himself when Florida faced Michigan. There's a reason for this. Heisman winners end up with a ton of time commitments after the Heisman ceremony. They do a ton of speaking engagements and attend any number of awards ceremonies, and while doing this they miss valuable practice time. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Bradford is rusty in the early going tonight. With the type of offense that the Sooners run this could be devastating to Oklahoma. Secondly, Tim Tebow is a competitive son of bitch (no offense, Pam) and he's been itching to prove he's the best football player in America since the moment he heard Sam Bradford's name announced in New York. If Tebow can control his emotions tonight and keep from getting too fired up, I think we may be in store for one of the greatest performances of his career. (Think last year's smashmouth Tebow combined with this year's more efficient spread the ball around Tebow).

- Percy Harvin is 90%: TJ seems to think this means that Harvin will pull a LaDanian Tomlinson (his words, not mine) at some point tonight and end up watching from the sidelines. Well, not surprisingly, I couldn't disagree more. Harvin himself has said that he's been at 90% for most of his career. That's just the way he's built, like a Ferrarri he needs constant maintenance and occassionally needs to be put up on blocks for a tune up. Harvin at 90% is better than anybody like him (not there's anybody like him, but you know what I mean) in the country. He'll be back tonight and he'll be special if he can avoid further injury.

- Florida's Special Teams Advantage: Oklahoma has been very average on special teams across the board this season. Florida, on the other hand, has one of the most complete and dangerous special teams units in the entire country. This is due in no small part to Urban Meyer's emphasis on special teams. Special teamers at Florida eat first at training table, they get first pick of all the best gear and they, more often than not, are guys who start on offense or defense. Odds are Florida makes a big play on special teams tonight, whether it be a blocked punt or a huge runback by my favorite midget Brandon James (sorry Erika). If Florida can affect the game with a timely special teams play then they're a long way towards winning tonight.

- The Oklahoma defenses' decision to talk shit to Tim Tebow: As I stated earlier, Tebow's one competitive son of a bitch. Also, as many an SEC defender can attest, Tim Tebow is a meathead of the highest order. For shit's sake, the guy tries to sneak into one-on-one hitting drills at the beginning of practice. Did you see his reaction to Dominque Franks' comments about Tebow being the 4th best QB in the Big 12? Sure, he was polite and said he, "took it as a compliment" but deep down you know he wanted to grab the table in front of him, choke slam the reporter who he was talking to straight through it and then rip off his shirt (Hulkster style) and start screaming, "You want some of me! Huh! You want a piece of this!". As I said earlier, Tebow's going to have to be careful to not let his emotions run wild tonight lest he be unable to make quick, correct decisions. However if he can corral these emotions, god help the poor defensive back who meets him head up near the goal line.

Things I Don't Like:

- Brandon Spikes' pregame trash talk: By now I'm sure you've seen Spikes' quote from a day or so ago ("Big 12 defenses are a joke"). Now, I like to talk trash as much as the next guy and I have a huge mancrush on Brandon Spikes but this, this was unneccessary. The media's been killing the OU defense for the past month anyway so there's really no need to supply the Sooner defense with more motivation. Spikes isn't going to be facing the Sooner D tonight (obviously) but he's written a pretty big check for himself to cash tonight when he's on the field. His emergence as one of the nations' best defensive players has been a key to Florida's run towards the National Title and he's going to have to step up to his own challenge to tonight in order to finish his final season (more than likely) in an appropriate fashion.

- The media's trashing of the OU defense: As Rob will tell anyone who listens, motivation is one of the primary keys to success in bowl games. The National Championship is no different. Florida won two years ago based largely on the motivational fuel supplied by the national media who thought they had no chance against undefeated Ohio State, as well as a bunch of other made up shit that Urban Meyer fed them in the week leading up to the game (Seriously, he basically made Kirk Herbstreit into the Gator version of Satan in order to fire his guys up). Oklahoma's defense has plenty of talent and plenty of pride. I expect them to come out tonight with fire in their eyes. Florida will need to weather the early storm and force a jacked up Sooner D to play assignment football consistently throughout the game.

- The distraction of Dan Mullen: Mullen's not really a member of the Florida coaching staff anymore. In fact, Mullen's been in Starkville and recruiting for Mississippi State for the past 3 weeks. It's tough not to believe he's been somewhat distracted throughout the last week and it's even tougher to think this won't alter the game in some way tonight. The amount the game is altered will be the issue. Pay attention to play calling in critical 3rd down situations and within the redzone, these plays should be a good indicator of Mullen's preparation and synchonicity with the rest of the Gator coaching staff.

Waiting: In the words of Sir Smoke-a-Lot, "I can't take this shit no mo!"

Rob left the keys under the mat...

...so I'm throwing up this gem until Mark provides actually content later today. Not quite sure what he has in the works, but I think it's something on the proposed economic stimulus bill currently on the Hill, not exactly sure though.

Adopt-a-Team

In years past, the G:TB team has unofficially adopted players, teams, and coaches based on any number of half-baked and self-serving criteria. Robbie Hummel comes to mind, as does the 2007-8 Baylor Bears men’s basketball squad. We’re creatures of habit, so as the football season draws to a close and we begin to turn our attention more fully to the round ball, we’re once again drawn to the scrappy, unheralded gym rats, the heart and soul of the game. The object of our affection this season may seem a bit of a departure, playing in an elite league and carrying a wealth of history, but the backstory is pure Hoosiers.

It isn’t often that the 4th-ranked team in the nation qualifies as an underdog, but the Wake Forest Demon Deacons fit the bill. Long Tobacco Road’s other team, the Deacs trail Duke and UNC in the national polls, their 13-0 record compiled against a cupcake schedule (ranked 243 in the country in terms of difficulty). This week’s road win over BYU served to establish a modicum of respect, but Sunday’s home contest against Roy Williams’ Tar Heels is a more apt measuring stick.

We’re not pulling for Dino Gaudio’s squad because of their record, though. Wake Forest is less than two years removed from the devastating loss of head coach Skip Prosser, by all accounts a prince of a man and an unquestionably good coach. Gaudio led – in an unusually true sense of the word – an emotionally scarred and extremely young team (not a single senior on the roster) to a 17-13 record last year.

The baby Deacs are a little older, but they still don’t have a senior starter and their top three scorers are sophomore guard Jeff Teague, freshman forward Al-Farouq Aminu, and sophomore forward James Johnson. Gaudio held on to all of Prosser’s commitments and has Tim Duncan and Randolph Childress’ alma mater (and Billy Packer’s – mumblemumblemumble) pointed in a positive direction. In our book, this counts as a remarkable thing considering the uncertainty and pain left in the wake of Prosser’s death.

We think 13-0 might be a bit of an illusion, and North Carolina may well drum Wake Forest on Sunday, but we’re believers. Go Deacs, G:TB’s adopted home team in 2008-9.

Hail Fellow, Well Met

Despite appearances to the contrary, we’re not consciously increasing our political content in 2009. It’s just such a rich vein of hypocrisy and egocentrism – the barrel is full of fish to shoot. In the spirit of bipartisan mockery, we turn our attention today to Roland Burris, the prospective junior Senator from Illinois. Nominated by embattled but magnificently coiffed Governor Rod Blagojevich to serve the remainder of President-Elect Barack Obama’s term in Congress, Burris is a modestly distinguished public servant and one of the first African-Americans to win statewide office in Illinois. He seems to have much about which to be proud, or at least satisfied. But pride, as we know, is a deadly sin, friends.

Gaze, if you will, upon the tomb Not Quite Senator Burris and his wife have commissioned as their final resting place, complete with a chiseled litany of accomplishment. Marvel at the outsized hubris required to erect such a monument. Genuflect in humble awe at the power of one man’s ego and then look away, chastened in the knowledge that you’ll never have half the stones of this giant. No, really, I doubt you’ll ever have that many rocks in one place. He'll fit right in if they ever let him on the floor of the Senate.

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

William & Mary puts its unblemished conference record on the line tonight in Williamsburg against Old Dominion. And when I say unblemished, I refer of course to the bright, shiny 'zero' in the win column. The Tribe was shellacked, 60-44, by Northeastern on Saturday as the Huskies vented Boston's frustration at W&M's New Year's Eve win over Harvard.

ODU, meanwhile, is smarting from a somewhat unexpected loss to Georgia State and likely remembers how the Tribe ended their season in the 2008 CAA Tournament semifinals. The Monarchs are 8-4 overall, 1-1 in conference.

Three games does not a season make, but I'm here to tell you that three corners a bizarre looking hat does, and three-pointers a lot of Tribe making must. A loss tonight and the echoes of the John Leone era may awaken. After which they'd miss a few jump shots, get muscled from underneath the basket, and foul out.

Welcome to a Doggone Great New Year

On the theory that anyone who irritates John Cornyn, Bill O'Reilly, and Ann Coulter can't be bad, G:TB gives you the newest Senator from the great state of Minnesota. And in this kinder, gentler, fuzzier, warmer world of 2009, don't we all need to know that we're good enough, smart enough, and goshdarnit, people like us?

There are a lot of uncomfortable Mormoms in New Orleans right now...

I hate to be a downer (actually that's not true) but the Holidays are over. Sure, you might not have to get back to work until Monday, and you probably haven't taken down your Festivus Pole yet, but the fact remains, the Holidays are over. But College Football isn't over. In fact, there's still enough time for the SEC to reclaim its status as the nation's top football conference.

For a number of reasons, most people have decided that the Big 12 was the best conference this year, if only for one year. However, the early returns from the Big 12 thus far in the bowl season have been less than impressive. Especially on the defensive side of the ball. It's enough to make somebody think the Big 12 might have been the softest overall conference for defense since...I don't know...the Pac-10 for each of the past 15 years? I'm just saying, there's no fucking excuse for a top tier team giving up 47 points to crazy ass Houston Nutt (My daddy coached blind kids!! Those kids had heart!! Show me your heart!!! Yeayeahyeapyapyap!!) and Ole Miss. I mean NO FUCKING EXCUSE. Shit, Samford held the Rebels to 34.

So, what happens if Alabama goes out and stomps Utah tonight (mark it down, by the way)? Do people start to re-evaluate the Big 12-SEC debate? No probably not. Texas would have to lose to Ohio State (highly doubtful) and then Okla...you know what? Let's just stop right there. I really just started this post as a way to link to this fantastic photo journal of the SEC Championship Game (Hey Rob...who won that game anyway?) and to give Rob a proper forum in which to fawn over Julio Jones and Nick Saban. Seriously though, defense is supposed to be the great equalizer, right? So why do so few people realize this when evaluating teams? Missouri didn't exactly run Northwestern off the field either. I'm just saying...