There Is Not Even A Need For A Joke

Man peed way out of avalanche
A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through. He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.
He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there." Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

We Now Return To "Full Steam Ahead"...

...with The Commodore and Gheorghe:

Commodore: Can we call this the Mike Tyson epidemic?
Gheorghe: Paging Dr. Lecter...
CENTRAL FALLS -- What happened to one Mary Street resident Saturday night made what Mike Tyson did to Evander Holyfield look like a peck on the cheek. After reviewing photographs taken of the victim’s injuries at Memorial Hospital, police said someone bit his lower-lip ("everything pink") completely off, as well as the tip of his left-hand ring finger.

Commodore: Can we get these laws enforced for movie theaters too?
Gheorghe: Her mother was later arrested when her vibrator went off...
CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. (AP) A 17-year-old girl was sentenced to 21 days in jail for contempt when her cell phone rang after a judge warned everyone in the courtroom to shut off all electronic devices.

Commodore: Do these pills work to help increase your gf's chances of doing a three way?
Gheorghe: If so, GNC is going to be very popular...
Slimming pills increase chance of lesbian child
TAKING pills for slimming and thyroid problems during pregnancy may increase the possibility of bearing lesbian daughters, a study has revealed.

Commodore: Can these criminals come to DC? Maybe then the Metro will get new escalators...
Gheorghe: How exactly do you go about "stealing" an escalator?
Hong Kong - A subway station in southern China has been forced to delay its opening after an armed gang broke in and stole the escalator, a news report said on Saturday. A gang of 24 men held up builders and looted the construction site at Gouwugongyuan station in Shenzhen, stealing an entire escalator and six steel pillars.

Space Ghost(Writer) Coast To Coast

Just before I was to run the "Where Are They Now" segment on fallen blogger Michael Jack, I received these choice links, with comments from the Commodore himself. Enjoy:

Commodore: I didn't think that Russians could afford suitcases...
Gheorghe: Another reason Russians should not drink...
Suitcase stolen with girl inside
A Russian couple that tried to avoid buying a train ticket for their daughter by putting her in a suitcase were caught out when the case was stolen. The parents of the young girl from Vitebsk admitted they had not been paying attention to the case when they stopped off for a “few drinks” after arriving at a Moscow train station, reported Pravda. Police later found the girl, aged three, wandering the streets lost. The crooks had taken her out of the case and left her behind - but kept the case.

Commodore: If only this guy was around for OJ...
Gheorghe: I thought this was an eharmony.com page profile page for Rosy Palm...

Commodore: I bet this guy walked 10 miles to school every day too, through two feet of snow, uphill both ways, and he liked it...
Gheorghe: He has hired Matlock to defend him...
ST. PAUL, Minn. — A retiree who tussled with a man half his age who was using foul language in a restaurant was sentenced to probation, but he got a thumbs-up from attorneys and others who sympathized with his motives.

Commodore: We definitely wouldn't want the hands of the already obese American public to get greasy during Maury. I don't really mind that I sweat in 60 degree temps, but butter on my hands is just the worst...
Gheorghe: I mean, there's a built in salt shaker for god's sake...

Laziness Leads To This

Swiping EB's Entertainment Page:

Only in my dreams? I'm not so sure...Former teen pop idol Deborah Gibson is set to finally shed her clean-cut image, after reportedly posing for Playboy magazine.

Hey, Hey, Hey, it's sexual assault...A 31-year-old former Temple University, Pennsylvania, employee claims Cosby took her back to his Philadelphia area home after meeting her in a restaurant, drugged her and then touched her breast. She admits details of what happened are hazy but she remembers waking up at 4am with her clothing in disarray.

I mean, seriously, if you saw Vanilla Sky, wouldn't you want to hit her...Spanish actress Penelope Cruz has hired her first bodyguard - after two men attacked her on Sunday in an unsuccessful attempt to steal her handbag.

Did He Just Say "Making Fuck"?

His eyes welling with tears, Sacramento Fire Chief Julius "Joe" Cherry vowed Tuesday to return his scandal-ridden department to respectability even as Mayor Heather Fargo and two City Council members said that four firefighters should be fired if sex allegations against them are true.
Cherry revealed Monday that he had launched an investigation into charges that the four firefighters - three men and a woman - had engaged in group sex in their Hollywood Park station house.
Cherry announced that the four firefighters - a male captain, two male firefighters and a female firefighter - have been suspended for allegedly participating in three instances of consensual sexual encounters with each other while on duty at Station 12 in Hollywood Park. Three of the firefighters are married.

My love for you is like a (fire) truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!

G.G.W.K.

Just a tremendous night of television last night, sports mixed with entertainment mixed with sports entertainment. Let me recap:
- Syracuse is now 20-1 after a thrilling comeback against Rutgers, mainly revolving around Rutgers having never seen a press in their lives. Good to see Jerry is also a fan of the 6'10" Jughead kid.
- The Washington Wizards won again last night, matching last year's win total, after just 40 games. You'll get a better write up here than in the Post (man, the Wheelhouse was busy this morning). Whitney, you are gonna lose this bet bad.
- Not only was bedlam occurring on the court between Oklahoma and Oklahoma State, bedlam was raging on Monday Night Raw. I haven't tuned to alot of wrestling lately, but it's sure good to know Ric Flair is still limping into the ring. How old is that guy?
- A classic South Park was also on last night, the rain forest "Getting Gay With Kids" choir episode. Cartman at his finest.
- If you haven't turned to the trainwreck that is VH1's Celebreality shows, you really should at least rubberneck for a few minutes on any one of the 3 - Surreal Life 4, Celebrity Fit Club, or Strange Love. I haven't yet decided which show signals the end of the world, but it's definitely one of them.

Hey, Aren't You Serge?

I just wrapped up a meeting with an IT guy who I'm pretty sure was Balki Bartokomous. After discussing our website and portal pages, we did the Dance of Joy.

After going 0-4 last week, it's pretty clear I have no clue what I'm doing. That being said, I'm going with Vick and the Falcons (because I want to see Philly burn to the ground) and Dillon and the Patriots.

Poop...Now There's A Funny Word

This story is one million times funnier because it involves Rasheed Wallace. Trust me. If only Najeh Davenport could've been courtside...

A stink was raised during halftime of the Detroit Pistons-Orlando Magic NBA game on Tuesday night when the start of the second half was delayed by three minutes after a seeing-eye dog relieved itself on the court.
When the Pistons came out for warmups, Rasheed Wallace walked up to the lane where the excrement had fallen, stopped and stared in disbelief. His teammates were just as confused before wide smiles broke out.
A custodian was enlisted to scoop up the mess and wipe up the remains with cleaner, a mop and towels.

Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?

I lied.

Schwarzenegger OKs State's First Execution in Years
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declined on Tuesday to grant clemency to killer Donald Beardslee, setting the stage for the first execution in three years in the most populous U.S. state.
Beardslee, 61, is scheduled to be put to death by lethal injection at San Quentin State Prison north of San Francisco at one minute after midnight on Wednesday morning for killing two women in 1981.

Well Look At What We Have Here

So I'm flipping the channels last night, finally settling on VH1's I Love The 90s Part Deux, reveling in the comic wit of Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black, when all of a sudden I see none other then Bill Simmons, aka Sportsguy, blabbing on about 1990. Needless to say, I was quite surprised. And if you haven't heard Mr. Simmons talk yet...well, you're missing out. I don't think it's ever a good thing when the members of Hanson have deeper voices than you.

Happy MLK Day

In honor of Mr. King, I plan to head on over to the 8th street barbershop and continue my work on the treatment for Barbershop 3: The High Fade. If the fellas are indeed open, hopefully we can continue our conversation on Sam Jackson's distinguished movie career (that Geena Davis flick with Sam - The Long Kiss Goodnight? - took up most of the discussion last time) and watch some more Steve Harvey re-runs. Now that guy is funny (if the laughter in the room is any indication). I gotta run, Popeye's has a 3 piece and biscuit waiting for me.

This seems like the right place for it...Time for a Washington Wizards update. The Wiz are 22-13, riding a 7 game winning streak, and currently are the second-best team in the East. Unfortunately, this Larry Hughes' injury is brutal, and is going to kill the Wiz in the coming weeks. Luckily, the East is a bigger joke than the People's Choice Awards.

Brien Is Einhorn, Einhorn Is Brien

Ray Finkle had nothing on Doug Brien. Yeah, 47 and 43 yarders are no gimme, but he is a professional kicker right? He is paid TO WIN THE GAME right? What am I missing here? A full day of wedding planning nicely ended at 4:15 or so, allowing me to sit down and root on Herm and the boys. The early deficit, the punt return by everyone' favorite cliche-botcher Santana Moss, the interception return, Jerome's fumble, I mean it was all there, and here comes Mr. Brien to kill it. Twice. Apparently, Brien's misses were the first time in NFL postseason history a player missed two FG attempts in the final two minutes of the fourth quarter. Clutch performances aren't exactly the forte of my teams this year. At least I had all my other picks right...

His Name Is Doug Brien

His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien

I thought that would help. It didn't. Fuck you Doug Brien. Fuck you.

Nothing Like Starting The Day...

...to Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up". These guys are atrocious.

It's been brought to my attention that Natalie Portman has a stripping scene in the new movie Closer. Um, how quickly can I sign up to see this?

I was 3-1 last week (great work Brett Fav-re), so why not give it a shot again this week. I'll take the Jets, Rams, Colts, and Vikings. That's right, all the underdogs. Making picks is easy when you wager like Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

Our Judicial System At Work

This was just accidentally emailed to me. I'm glad I'm not this guy:

Mike:
I won't get to this until Monday BUT just arrest him and I'll ask for his detention anyway.
We can always add the counts

This email arrived seconds later:

****** would like to recall the message, "******"

¡Dios Mio!

GTB creator and workaholic Rob Russell just emailed me this:

"How are you not writing about the demise of the Sports Junkies? The comedic value of HFS going all Spanish with no advance warning's gotta be worth something."

Indeed, es muy divertido. There you go, I think we just talked about it. If not, the Wheelhouse took a stab at it this morning.

Irony Defined

Whitney might be getting sick of GTB's "What Crappy Article Can TJ Pull Off The Internet" segment, but this one can't be passed up.

Amish Teen Electrocuted in Ohio
CHARDON, Ohio (AP) - A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted trying to remove a power line that got tangled in his horse-drawn buggy's wheels, authorities said.

What Do Coors Light & the Denver Nuggets Have in Common?

Subtitle: More Reasons Why You Don't Let Men Named Kiki Captain Your Ship

Trivia: Name another "famous" Kiki.

On December 27, Kiki Vandeweghe fired coach Jeff Bzdelik after the Nuggets dropped 6 straight to slip to 13-15. Former Showtime Laker Michael Cooper replaced him but has lost 5 straight after winning his first game, and they're now at 14-20. (Michael, the fans aren't yelling, "Cooooooop!") During the latest skid, Carmelo Anthony has shot 28-91 from the floor, but he defended himself by claiming that the crap shots he's hurling up aren't really his -- his friend accidentally left them in his bag.

Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the coach? Cooper and former backcourt mate Byron Scott are a combined 5-34 as coaches this year, and that's after a big Hornets win over the New York "If You're Crappy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands" Knickerbockers -- who lead the once-proud Atlantic Division with a 17-18 record. Can't Magic and Rambis get back into coaching and contribute to the futility? Apparently A.C. Green is too busy these days making up for all the sex he didn't have while in the NBA.

But seriously, people: www.kurtrambis.com

Trivia Answers: singer Kiki Dee ("Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" with Elton), artist Kiki Smith, Hall of Fame outfielder Kiki Cuyler, and adult film actress Kiki D'Aire (you owe it to yourself to check out her filmography -- it reads even funnier than Randal's rant in Clerks.
(These do not count as correct answers: Kiko Calero, Kiko Garcia, Ki Kim, Chi Chi Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, or Michael Swint.)

Why Didn't I Think Of This?

I mean this pretty much speaks for itself. The Local 6 News really packs a punch.

Man Selling Forehead Space For Ads
A 20-year-old Nebraska man is renting his forehead for advertising space in an attempt to pay college bills, according to a Local 6 News report.
Andrew Fisher said he will have a business logo or even a Web site temporarily tattooed to his forehead for 30 days. Fisher is taking bids and will award the space on his body to the winning bidder, Local 6 News reported.
Fisher said while he hasn't decided which college he'll attend, he wants to study graphic design.

Big Monday Is Back

Love Big Monday on ESPN. Love the Cuse getting a win (and Boeheim his 300th Big East W) while UConn loses at Oklahoma. Hakim Warrick had another absurd dunk last night. Jerry's Warrick/Carmelo wager might be real interesting in 2 or 3 years. Now if only Hakim could make more than 20% of his free throws.

Joe Lunardi is insane. It's the second week of January and he is bombarding us with Bracketology on ESPN.com. Damn it Joe, why don't we let the conference schedule play out a little bit, eh?

GTB fav Nicky Van Poo Poo had a huge game last night. 8 treys, setting a new TrailBlazer record. A TrailBlazer record huh? I know, you're waiting for the weed joke. It ain't coming. I'm just here to give Nicky his props.

Man, how good was "Regulate" by Warren G? Hearing it just made my work day.

This is priceless. I have my mailhouse calling me today telling me the Post Office is all over them because our mailing permit is about to expire. A check was cut and sent to the Post Office weeks ago to pay the permit. Why hasn't the check the Post Office is bothering me about gotten there? Because it got lost in the mail. Seriously. Un-fucking-believable.

In the "Be careful what you wish for" category, the winner is...
OVIEDO, Fla. (AP) - A Presbyterian minister collapsed and died in mid-sentence of a sermon after saying "And when I go to heaven ...," his colleague said Monday.

You Gotta Love Page Six

There is an awful lot to digest here. Cush seems to have alot of balls in the air.

Jerry O'Connell wants to have his cake and eat everyone else's too. The former fat kid from "Stand By Me" made a lot of guys jealous when he started dating Rebecca Romijn-Stamos several months ago. But although the two are still together, our insider said O'Connell has been secretly calling his ex-fiancée, E! anchor Giuliana DePandi, on a regular basis, "saying he wants her back and they should get married." DePandi, who broke it off with O'Connell after he cheated on her with Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell, "hasn't returned the calls and isn't going near that."

J-E-T-S

JETS...JETS...JETS...
Eric Barton, you are one very lucky donkey. And I hope Jerry's laptop survived my drunken outburst. Time for Curtis and Company to take out Big Ben in Pittsburgh.

The Randy Moss Afro was fantastic. Was anyone else surprised at Joe Buck's reaction to Randy's celebratory moon? You would've thought Moss just killed Buck's kids.

I know they're defending champs, and I know they're 18-0 at home the last two years, but I simply can't see New England's rag tag bunch of DBs stopping the Colts offense. Indy 31 - NE 28, Manning finally beats Brady, and we get to listen to SportsGuy bitch and moan for weeks.

While the Wiz continue their quest for the playoffs, the New Orleans Hornets continue their march toward all-time futility. 3-29, and well on their way to 70+ losses. 9-73 is not out of the question. Make me proud New Orleans.

Television Is My Friend

Next time you turn to the ACC Game of the Week on Comcast SportsNet, take a look at Mike Gminski. He looks like Will Ferrell playing Harry Caray minus the glasses. Just disturbing. "Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Does your name ever make you hungry?"

The "Rusty" Bud Light ad is starting to grow on me. However, that GEICO ad with the lizard doing the robot sucks balls. It almost sucks as much as that re-make of The Stepford Wives. What was Christopher Walken thinking? No amount of cowbell could save that bomb.

Slater might be the only other guy in the world who saw this, but Charles Barkley was on fire last night, mainly because there is some daytime reality show called "Starting Over", and a contestant on that show claimed Barkley picked her up and threw her in a trash can. In second grade. Off the charts comedy. Slater, tell me you saw this? (Um, since I strongly doubt Gheorghe has made it's way onto his bookmarks, someone ask him for me.)

OK, I didn't think it was possible, but Conan O'Brien has added a third entry into the running for Best Conan Character Ever. I was sure it was a two horse race between PimpBot 5000 and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog until I saw Vomiting Kermit. Double Wow.

Whit, keep mocking those Wizards right into a home playoff series.

Of Tomax and Xamot, who do you think was the pitcher and who was the catcher?

Quick wild card picks - Rams, Jets (total homer pick), Packers, Colts. Not very exciting I know.

Oh yeah, one last thing - 2005 is The Year of the Rooster. Seriously. I have the T-Shirt to prove it.

Wiz Watch

Your Washington Wizards -- and by "your" I mean TJ's -- are 17-13 and in 4th place, which is seemingly still impressive, but consider these facts:

• They are only a half-game out of 5th, where I said they'd be by now
• They are 3 games out of 9th place
• They are 14-3 against teams under .500, 2-10 against teams over .500
• Their next 10 games feature 7 opponents over .500 (most of them well above .500)
• Larry Hughes can't figure out which is the "pass" button on his controller
• What TJ wrote below

Oh, and one more thing...

• They are the Washington Wizards (nee Bullets)

I still root for them, I promise, but I'm just not buying into their supposed reversal of fortune.

In other NBA news: The New Orleans Hornets are 2-28, and Mardi Gras hasn't even happened yet. I know how I'd function at work if I lived in New Orleans, so I say give 'em a break.

A: Super, Scintillating, Sensational baby!!!

Q: How would Dickie V describe last night's college hoops action?
Excellent night of college hoops. If last night was any indication, the Big East is going to be a fun ride. Huge wins for JT3 and the Hoyas against Pitt and Boston College and their uglier-than-sin coach Al Skinner against UConn. I was impressed with Michigan's road W over Iowa too. Vanderbilt dropped Alabama and Houston stunned Louisville (I had no idea Tom Penders still had a coaching gig) in other upsets. Man I love college basketball.

And this is the team I'm betting makes the playoffs...Antawn Jamison's response to being asked about his jersey number switch: "Sometimes I see myself on film, and I see that single digit, and I don’t recognize myself. I think, ‘oh man, who is that Number 4?’ and then I realize ‘oh yeah, that’s me.’" NBA, home of mental midgets.

Number Five is Alive, No Disassemble...South Korean scientists claim they have developed the world's smartest robot able to think and learn like a human. But can it carry Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy for 98 minutes? Scan the article - tell me the robot doesn't speak just like Yao Ming. (Can I write check?)

There's Fruitless Litigation...

and then there's this asshole:

NBC's 'Fear Factor' Sued for Rat-Eating Episode
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC's gross-out stunt show "Fear Factor" so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw.
In a handwritten four-page lawsuit filed in federal court in Cleveland on Tuesday, paralegal Austin Aitken said, "To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well an another in the house at the same time."
His suit added, "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will."
He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.

It's called changing the channel you fucking moron. People like this should seriously be killed, or at least forced to eat rats on that crap show Fear Factor.

Wizards Update and Other Useless Nonsense

The Chocolate City Wizards are currently 17-13, good enough for 2nd place in the Southeast Division and 4th place in the Eastern Conference. Stop trying to jinx this juggernaut Whitney.

You know who I hate - people who clap when the plane lands. Stop clapping donkeys. The plane is supposed to land. It is not a feat worthy of applause.

I miss The Fat Boys. Those guys were fantastic. I mean, I think they might've gotten Chubby Checker off welfare at one point. However, the braintrust that thought it was a great idea to make Disorderlies should be dragged out into the street and shot.

OK, after seeing the clip of Oklahoma's Dan Cody passing out after pumping up the defense, who else was thinking Lattimer in The Program? I wouldn't be surprised if Cody's speech ended with "Ding Motherfucking Dong".

Our first nominee for 2005 Name of the Year: Cincinnati Freshman PG Jihad Muhammad. The Wheelhouse boys might remember his cousins, Akbar Al-Hijackya and Mohammed Bombsalot.

Welcome to 2005

I've been gone too long, and have much to say (even though as Whitney pointed out recently no one reads this site), but first let's start the new year with this news:

MIAMI -- O.J. Simpson plans to root like crazy at the Orange Bowl.

It isn't much of an article, but this made me laugh:
"His attorney, Yale Galanter, monitored the telephone call and wouldn't allow Simpson to say where he'll be sitting inside the stadium."