Thursday, February 28, 2019

David Sims Got It Wrong: Weezer, the Universe and Everything

I sort of lost my mind this week, and instead of grading papers or teaching students, I wrote a six-thousand word philosophical/musical epic that begins with an allegorical analysis of the SNL Weezer skit. 



My post is called The True Meaning of the SNL Weezer Sketch (and the True Meaning of Weezer, the Universe, and Everything). 

Read it if you dare.

While it starts with Weezer, it ends up getting pretty deep. I mainly wanted to clear up what David Sims said about the sketch in an Atlantic article: The Saturday Night Live Sketch That Sums Up All Online Discourse.

Sims really missed the point of the skit. It's not about how people immediately escalate all debate to personal cruelty and incendiary rhetoric on the internet. My friend Kevin and I have been having this exact same Weezer debate in regular old meatspace since 2005 . . . since they released Make Believe and the awful song "Beverly Hills." The over-the-top rhetoric in the skit is totally valid because theJones and Damon are discussing the ultimate question in identity: where lies my essence? Is there such a thing as a permanent and unchanging soul? So it's fine to get all wound up. I don't want to get into it all here, but if you're a Weezer fan and you like to contemplate profound questions on the nature of character and the permanence of objects, then you might enjoy the post. I also included plenty of pictures.

More importantly, I want David Sims to read the post and offer a retraction of his theory. How do we get this post to a senior editor  at the Atlantic Magazine? Sims can offer his retraction in the comments, I don't need an actual video. Otherwise, he can drink my hot blood.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

zman Bouillabaise

It's back, this time with an automotive theme.

1. Gheorghe has an F40?

The Ferrari F40 is one of the greatest supercars of the late 1980s. It represented the pinnacle of Ferrari's engineering skills at the time and is largely considered to be the best analog car of all time. Only 1311 were made and they are highly collectible, fetching prices over $1 million at auction. Most people keep these things in a garage and never drive it, they just rub it with a diaper.

Remarkably, some guy in what appears to be LA parks his F40 on the street.


There's so much going on here. First there's the green wrap. It's one thing to wrap your Dodge Challenger, but it's a totally different kettle of fish to wrap one of the most desirable cars to ever leave Maranello. Then there's the green duct tape on the hood--apparently that's covering damage incurred when a neighbor ran over the hood with her Toyota Yaris. And then there's the spare tire in the passenger seat.

Someone clearly doesn't take his car too seriously. Does Gheorghe own an F40?

2. Gheorghe lives in NJ?

On my way home from work today I saw this parked in the public overflow parking lot for the neighboring town's train station:


That's a Pantera. Not Pantera. A Pantera, a DeTomaso Pantera. Based on the front bumper it's a 1971, 1972 or 1973. It's worth between $70k and $125k. And it has regular license plates, not historic plates ("QQ" plates in NJ), which means the owner drives it with more than insignificant frequency. And it's parked in the public overflow parking lot for a train station, between a ten-plus-year-old BMW 5 series and a Toyota Corolla.

Someone clearly doesn't take his car too seriously. Does Gheorghe live in Madison? (Probably not, he's too big to fit in a Pantera.)

3. Jerry Seinfeld is not very Gheorghe.

Jerry Seinfeld bought a 1958 Porsche 356A T2 1500GT Carrera Speedster, the only GT Speedster ordered in Auratium Green with black interior (only 13 Speedsters were finished in this color from the factory) for $1.2 million in 2013. Here's the car and the guy who sold it to Seinfeld:


Three years later Mr. Seinfeld sold the car at auction for $1.54 million, along with 17 other cars from his collection. At the auction, Mr. Seinfeld's cars sold for a collective total of $22,244,500. Mr. Seinfeld has been collecting rare Porsches for many years. Mr. Seinfeld is widely known as one of the world's most prominent Porsche collectors and owns one of the world's largest collections of Porsches.

I know all of this and more because Seinfeld sued the guy who sold him the little green car that looks like an upside-down bathtub--apparently it's a fake and the guy who bought it from Seinfeld is ripshit.

In addition to the aforementioned self-aggrandizement, Seinfeld's complaint also states that "Mr. Seinfeld, who is a very successful comedian, does not need to supplement his income by building and selling counterfeit sports cars." I'M JERRY SEINFELD!!!



Stunningly, Seinfeld's automotive $1.2 million purchase was accomplished via a "Motor Vehicle Purchase Order," whatever the hell that means. He didn't have a contract with reps and warranties about the car. I had a tree taken down in my yard for $3200 earlier this year and I had a contract. Seinfeld is either lazy or such a baller that he wipes his ass with $1.2 million. Or both.

I'm going with "baller" or "both" because Seinfeld is represented by Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher. Gibson Dunn represents major multinational companies like Apple, Ford, Deutsche Bank, Facebook, Citigroup, Chevron, Lockheed Martin. I can't imagine they have a partner billing under $900 an hour. And that's who Seinfeld gets to represent him in a $1.54 million dispute.

Someone takes his reputation as the world's most prominent Porsche collector a little too seriously. It pains me to say it but Jerry Seinfeld isn't very Gheorghe.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Jenny, I Got Your Number

Been a while since we last celebrated Jenny Lewis in these pages, but it's also been a while since she released a solo record. Nearly five years, to be semi-precise. She's back, though, with all the stuff that makes her her, and makes me dig on it. Here's a sultry, restrained live version of 'Red Bull & Hennessy':

Sunday, February 24, 2019

WikiMEdia

Got on a random internet bender a couple of nights ago and started compiling a list of people I know who have Wikipedia profiles. I've defined 'know' fairly loosely to mean that I've actually had a conversation with them. I've actually had drinks with majority of the people on my list. Good effort by me to understand what's important.

Because I don't really want any of these folks to Ghoogle themselves and find out that I have a secret blog life, I'll post the first sentence of each of their profiles with a link to their Wikipedia entry, and maybe a little bit about how I know them. Given the gaps I increasingly find in my memory, I bet you'll remind me of others I know.

I met this guy through his sister at a Rhett Miller show at The Hamilton. He does a killer Mike Tyson imitation. From Wikipedia, "[He] was born in New York City;[1] his father...was a champion boxer at Georgetown University and later a character actor."

This fellow is a current colleague, and one of the reasons I believe so strongly in the integrity of the FBI in its dealings with the President*. Wiki says, "[He] is an American law enforcement officer and a former Deputy Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation."

From a similar background (and the same state of origin) as the previous dude, I used to work with this guy before he moved on about two years ago. He was one of the folks who originally arrested El Chapo. That's a hell of a story. Here's Wiki, "[He] is an American law enforcement officer and business executive who was the first head of Homeland Security Investigations for US Immigration and Customs Enforcement, serving in that role from 2010 to 2014.

Closer to our hearts here at G:TB, I was on a first-name basis with this guy when he was in charge of my alma mater's athletic department. Says the 'pedia, "[He] is a former American college athletics administrator and professional basketball player."

This guy is part of the swamp, and has been for a long time. His firm does lobbying work for my company. According to Wikipedia, "[He] is a Minnesota politician and lawyer. He was the U.S. Representative for Minnesota's 6th congressional district as a DFL member from January 4, 1977, to January 3, 1993, in the 98th, 99th, 100th, 101st, and 102nd Congresses, serving as Whip-at-Large and as a member of the Committees on Energy and Commerce and Post Office and Civil Service."

I work with this woman, and she's remarkable. "[She] is an American community leader, politician and activist." She was also the first African American and first woman to be the mayor of Minneapolis.

This gentleman is the CEO of my company. He's a good dude, and "[he] is an American business executive."

This dude is the only actual rock star I know. He was a good friend in college, and though I've lost touch with him, every time I see him, it's a genuinely good time, and never cumbersome. He's actually not on Wikipedia himself, but he is in his band's page: "[It] was an American rock band." The "was" is a little bit sad.

Finally, at least of the people I know I know, this guy's probably the most famous, and definitely the wealthiest. Or at least he was before he passed away in 2003. I met him at a cocktail party during graduate school, and several times thereafter. We were on a first-name basis, and he used to ask me how Tiger Woods had done earlier in the day whenever I saw him. He offered me an unpaid internship in Manhattan with his firm, and to this day I wonder what would've happened had I accepted it. "[He] was an American lawyer, sports agent and writer."

This has all the makings of a recurring bit, so take notes, my friends. And tell us all who you know.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Fashion is Dumb: Frozen Dinner Edition

I sent this to TR, because we basically only communicate by exchanging links related to this semi-recurring bit. His reply: "I'd eat that"

Monday, February 18, 2019

This Week in Wrenball: Nathan and the Pips

By our normal standards, it's been a mediocre season in terms of our coverage of our Wrens. This is the first TWiW post since the first week of January. I'd chalk that up to the usual suspect - my laziness - but I've got a better hook.

In fact, I submit to you that our Wrenball efforts track closely with this year's team's performance. By the recent standards established by Tony Shaver, and despite some glimpses of promise, this has been a mediocre season in Williamsburg.

This very nice man was a lousy hoops coach.
Over the previous five seasons, the Tribe have gone 96-62, posting winning records in each campaign. The last (and only) time in school history W&M hoops teams ran off a streak that long was 1946-1952. W&M has also had five consecutive seasons above .500 in CAA play. Before this streak began, the Tribe had never even had back to back winning seasons in league play. In fact, in the 27 years prior to the 2013-14 season, W&M had had a total of three finishes on the right side of .500 in the CAA.

Damn. I'd almost forgotten how epically bad we've been. And how much Tony Shaver has spoiled us, relatively speaking, of late.

The 2018-19 Tribe stands at 10-16 (6-8 in CAA play) after an 84-74 road win against league doormats Elon. We expected they'd struggle to replace all-time assist leader David Cohn, and we were right. Sophomore Luke Loewe and freshman Thornton Scott have had their moments, but the two combined are averaging fewer assists per game than the nearly seven per contest Cohn distributed last year. And we thought that it'd be hard for W&M to duplicate last season's nation's-best shooting performance without Cohn (.426 on 3PFGs) and Connor Burchfield (.520!). We were correct on that front, as well. W&M's only shooting 34.5% from deep and 67.5% from the line. An offense that's designed to create space and open looks struggles a bit when those looks don't go in.

But an offense that's so designed also creates space for a talented post player, and in Nathan Knight, W&M has that to a degree never before seen in green and gold. After a somewhat slow start by his standards, Knight has recorded double-digit points in 19 consecutive games, and tallied nine double-doubles in his last 12 games. In W&M's previous two games, against Hofstra and Elon, Knight has scored 39 and 35 points and grabbed 14 and 13 rebounds, respectively. He's averaging 20.5 points and 8.8 rebounds per game (21.6 and 9.9 in CAA games) on .588 shooting, leads the CAA in blocks with 55, and rounds it out by leading W&M in assists with 94. People have noticed, too. Last week, Knight was named one of the ten finalists for the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Center of the Year Award, joining a list that includes Nick Ward of Michigan State, Ethan Happ of Wisconsin, and Bruno Fernando of Maryland, among others.

If some of those threes start falling, Knight's numbers may go up even more - he's getting all those buckets despite being the center of the opposition's attention every game.

Junior wing Justin Pierce has continued to be a solid supporting actor to Knight's leading man, averaging 14.7 points and 8.7 boards to go with a team-leading 3.65 assists/game. Pierce has scuffled a bit in league play, leading observers (this one, anyway) to wonder if he's completely healthy.  Freshmen Chase Audige and L.J. Owens have played significant minutes, combining for nearly 18 points a game. Both look poised to have strong careers. Junior guard Matt Milon tallies 12.4 points on .390 shooting from deep, but both of those numbers are down from last season's marks (13.0/.426). A full return to form for Milon goes a long way down the stretch.

W&M has four more league games, and should be favored to win three of them. It doesn't actually matter all that much, as the Tribe likely can't catch Delaware for 4th place in the league and the accompanying first-round tournament bye. So for the first time since 2013, W&M's gonna play on the first day of the CAA Tournament.

Friends, I don't think this is our year.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Chakra

I have dabbled a bit in yoga in my adult life. Theoretically it seems like a good idea. It combines flexibility, breathing, introspective thinking and fit women in yoga outfits. When I was out of shape and tried yoga, it was a bummer. I felt like Phillip Seymour Hoffman in the scene in Boogie Nights when he's out shopping with Wahlberg and John C. Reilly. You know, this one.



I have done hot yoga in my town on occasion in recent years. It is an intense workout. But it comes at a cost. The classes contain many dudes who like to do their workouts shirtless. The classes sometimes are packed to the point of causing claustrophobia, and the hot yoga results in intense sweating, which means clothes, a towel and a yoga mat need to be cleaned every time. So when you're profusely sweating and exhausted and the hairy fingers from a shirtless dude are inches from your face while you're both twisted up, it can elicit feelings of anger that are not in the spirit of traditional yoga.

One brewery in Houston seems to know how I feel. Brash Brewing started hosting Rage Yoga events twice a month. What is Rage Yoga, you might ask? Well, allow the Tube of You clip below to explain.




So the next time you're in Houston with zero fucks to give, get a beer and get your shout on at Bash Brewing. If you choose not to, you can at least be happy that the phrase "throwing down fist unicorns" has entered your lexicon.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Fat Bottomed Girls (& Boys)

It's not exactly a secret that sex-related use cases have driven mass adoption of a broad range of technologies. Cameras, VCRs, DVDs, hell, the Internet itself all accelerated up the growth curve when purveyors of porn figured out how to use them to reach a wider audience.

The online dating market is estimated at $2.5B per year, as venerable online platforms like Match.com and eHarmony have been joined by smartphone tech like Tinder and Grindr. 

And now human demand for sex and the ingenuity behind technology that brings people together has transcended the boundaries of species. 


Launched yesterday on Valentines Day, the app was created by Hectare Agritech to match buyers and sellers of livestock, cows in particular. Farmers in the market swipe left or right based upon the look of an animal and other attributes, such as age, location, gender, and health. If a heifer catches a farmer's eye, it's a simple matter of clicking through to the SellMyLivestock website to negotiate terms and arrange for delivery.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention. That may be true, but I think we all know that horny people are the mothers and fathers of adoption. May our hormones know no technological limitations. If you don't think some rich dude's desire to get it on with a lady (or a dude) on the other side of the world isn't gonna be the thing that gets us mass-market teleportation, then maybe you underestimate the species. 

I bet they start with cows.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Happy Friday. Listen to This

I'm digging the new Vampire Weekend single. I found out three was a new single, went to Apple Music and owned the tune (digitally) about 11 seconds later. Neat. This comes as I am debating going to see them at MSG in September. My New Year's resolutions included sleeping more, drinking less and seeing more live music. Some of these goals will work to the detriment of others, but I won't regret seeing more live music than I did in 2018. I already have my eye on Spoon, Phish, Vampire Weekend, Gary Clark Jr. and Wallows shows. Would be a good start.

This tune has hints of Len, Phish and the Dead (at least my novice musical palette thinks so). It is a bit more ethereal than the older stuff from the band. But all that makes it very much a Vampire Weekend tune. I dig these guys. Hope you do too.


Thursday, February 14, 2019

Happy Gheorghentines Day

It's our namesake's birthday - let's show him a little love on this special day.




Hhappy Vhalentines Dhay

I love you, Gheorghies. Here's some love to celebrate on this most overrated of made-up holidays.

Love. True love.



A gift idea for the men in your life:



A brilliant love song that really isn't at all.



A whole different Love song.



And to close, the greatest love song in my personal pantheon.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Life Imitates Fiction

zdaughter likes to watch a cartoon called "Sheriff Callie's Wild West" on Hulu. The show is named after its main character, a female cat named Callie who is the sheriff of a town called Nice and Friendly Corners. Callie has a magic lasso and a blue horse named Sparky who has glitter in his mane and tail. Callie thwarts bad guys every episode, thereby keeping Nice and Friendly Corners nice and friendly. You can see why this would appeal to a four year old girl.


It's a Disney show so the actors are reasonably famous. Mandy Moore voices Callie and other cast members you might recognize include Kevin Michael Richardson, Cree Summer and Mo Collins. Flea, Iggy Pop and Henry Rollins (somewhat inexplicably) made cameos as bad guys. Pop and Rollins were the Silverado Brothers, two ice skating stoats. Stoats like weasels, not stoat the baw.


I watched season 2 episode 21a with zdaughter the other day, it's called "New Sheriff in Town." The premise is that Rusty, the leader of a group of dogs who rustle, runs for sheriff of Nice and Friendly Corners. Rusty is a sheepdog with a preposterous mop of hair. He acknowledges that he used to be a bit of a shady character but claims to have seen the light, turned good, and now wants to keep the town safe.


His stump speech promises preposterous things like free milkshakes everyday and rollerskating anywhere and anytime you like, and chores will be against the law. His slogan is "Vote for Trusty Rusty!" The townspeople don't take him seriously but Callie, ever the proponent of free and open elections, says that he should be allowed to run. Nevertheless, as all the animals of Nice and Friendly Corners wait in line to vote they all agree that Rusty will be lucky to get even one vote. Callie is eminently qualified with years of relevant experience! Nice and Friendly Corners is ready to have a female leader.

Right as the voting ends, Rusty's crew cause a distraction and switch the ballot box out for one containing only votes for Rusty. They rigged the election!

The townspeople can't believe it! Callie tells everyone that Rusty should be sheriff if he won fair and square, but she suggests that everyone take a look at the votes and the ballot box. Before she can begin her investigation, Rusty takes her badge, pins it on his jacket, and throws Callie in jail for breaking a law that he made up right then and there, audaciously stating "You just broke mah new law which means you're goin' to jail!! " and as an side to his crew "Where she'll be out of my way!"

He then fires Callie's deputy (Peck the woodpecker), makes his cronies deputies, and throws Callie in jail. Rusty goes on to perpetuate all sorts of new laws that accrue only to his benefit. His motto is "I'm the one who makes the laws and if I can make 'em well I can break 'em! So when me and my boys see things we like well we're just gonna take 'em!" He drinks everyone's milk, takes their vegetables, swipes their coins, and all manner of other things that are neither nice nor friendly. The corruption is mind-boggling.

Luckily, Rusty's cronies are wildly incompetent. Whilst imprisoned in a jail cell, Callie offers to teach one of Rusty's deputies how to use her magic lasso and because he's concentrating so hard on trying to learn she tricks him into explaining how they rigged the election and where they hid the ballot box. She relays this information out the window to her faithful deputies outside (one of whom is a talking saguaro cactus named Toby who rides a goat).

The real votes are eventually found and counted. Of course, Callie won. She lassos Rusty and throws him and his crew in jail. Nice and Friendly Corners is nice and friendly again.

It's a nice story but really, who could imagine a fact pattern so preposterous?

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Bite Me Randy Newman

You undoubtedly remember my impassioned leadership of the effort to bring D.C. United's headquarters and USL franchise (Loudoun United) to Loudoun County. My three-minute speech before the Loudoun Board of Supervisors is widely credited with pushing the issue over the top. At least that's what I tell folks.

The ground has been broken for the new facilities, and while the parent club and Loudoun United likely won't move to my town for several months, D.C. United did make a recent announcement that tells me it was all worth it.

The club announced last week that Richie Williams would be the first head coach in Loudoun United history. Williams played 169 games for D.C. United in the late 90s and early 2000s, also earning 20 caps with the U.S. Men's National Team. He helped those early D.C. United squads win three MLS Cups as a tenacious defensive midfielder.

But, as his Wikipedia entry shows, Williams has a lot to recommend him to Gheorghies. Let's start with the fact that he was born a mere five days before yours truly, and continue on with the fact that our growth rates followed a similar path. From Wikipedia, "Known for his diminutive height and his dogged tackling...", is something I'd welcome on my tombstone. Williams is listed at 5'5". That might be generous.

Size isn't the only thing that may endear Williams to our number, though. He grew up in Middletown Township, NJ, a mere 30 miles from North Brunswick. There's a reasonable chance that Williams laid a crunching tackle on Dave at some point. And a greater chance that Dave hacked him down in a fit of pique.

At Loudoun United, Williams has a challenge in front of him. With 29 days until the season opener, the team barely has a full roster, doesn't yet have a full-time home stadium, and hasn't played a preseason game. There will be lumps.

I'm just hoping that the Father of Professional Soccer in Loudoun County (that's me, obviously) gets to spend some quality time with my fellow diminutive midfielder.

Saturday, February 09, 2019

Shiny Happy Person

If you read the G:TB bylaws closely, you'll note that we're obligated by our founders' intent to post about any new Old 97s or Bob Mould music. And since the latter just released a new record, we're here to fulfill our duty.

Bob Mould's music has been described in a great many ways, from bombastic to dark to cynical to loud to cathartic. It has rarely, if ever, been described as upbeat. So when one reads this about Mould's new record: "The LP contains 11 new songs that range from well-adjusted to super happy.", it's enough to raise an eyebrow or three.

Naming the album Sunshine Rock might've been a clue that this ain't 'Black Sheets of Rain', but Mould always did have a way of hiding dark themes in killer hooks and a wall of sound. This record, though, finds Bob in a happier personal place. And us with him.



Thursday, February 07, 2019

This Is a Public... Service... Announcement...


...with guitar.

Know your rights. All three of them.

Number 1: You have the right not to be killed. Murder is a crime. Unless it was done by a policeman or an aristocrat.

Oh, know your rights.

And Number 2: You have the right to food money. Providing of course you don't mind a little investigation, humiliation, and, if you cross your fingers, rehabilitation.

These are your rights. Oh, know these rights.

Number 3: You have the right to free speech. As long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.

Know your rights. These are your rights. All three of them.

It has been suggested in some quarters that this is not enough. Well, get off the streets.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CLASH DAY, GHEORGHIES

The official website is here.  Listen today here.

G:TB's definitive Clash post is here.

Wednesday, February 06, 2019

Gheorghasbord: Science Edition

You know I'm grasping for reasons not to watch the State of the Union when I actually pick up a keyboard and get back at it.

Couple of things from the realm of logic and rationality struck my fancy recently, which is a nice counterpoint from the world of fabulism and insanity we currently live in.

Physics Today asked the question, "What comes after the Large Hadron Collider?" in an article released earlier today. If they'd read this august scientific publication, they'd have known that it would've been funnier to posit "What comes after the Large Hadron Col







Because it's gonna kill us all, and everything.

CERN realllly needs to check the hubris, because it seems the LHC with its 27 km circumference just isn't big enough to sate the atom-smashing bloodlust of the big brains in Switzerland. Didn't they learn anything from Professor Jerry Hathaway's greed? Now CERN wants to build the Future Circular Collider, a 100km megamachine that'll tunnel under Lake Geneva on its way to blazing smoking holes across the quad at Pacific Tech. That seems like a good use of $27 billion.

Would you buy a used spaceship from this man?
On the other hand, if Professor Avi Loeb is right, we may need something to prove to our new alien a scientific journal article suggesting that an extraterrestrial spaceship (or a portion thereof) may well be flying across our solar system.
overlords that we're sufficiently advanced to warrant their friendship. Loeb, the sober-minded chair of Harvard's astronomy department, recently published

The object, named Oumuamua by the Hawaiian astronomers that first identified it in 2017, appears to be very large and very thin, like the sail of an enormous stellar sailboat. And we thought America's Cup technology had gotten out of control.

There's a silver lining in Loeb's telling, and I'm kinda down with it. “It changes your perception on reality, just knowing that we’re not alone. We are fighting on borders, on resources. . . . It would make us feel part of planet Earth as a civilization rather than individual countries voting on Brexit.”

Being part of planet Earth sounds pretty good right now. Sure beats whatever hellscape the 2019 scriptwriters have authored.

Saturday, February 02, 2019

Chronicles of an Aging Gheorghie: Musical Memories

Our man in the OBX returns with a cool retrospective on his music collection, yesterday and today:

When the missus and I downsized in preparation for our move almost four years ago, one of my least pleasant chores was purging my music collection. Growing up and starting work in the 1970s and ‘80s, I used an inordinate amount of disposable income to buy music. I owned 400-plus albums and another couple hundred CDs, after they supplanted albums.

All of the music had made seven previous moves with me, but we were relocating to a house that was almost one-third smaller. Our new house didn’t have the storage space, and my old-school, component stereo system – receiver, turntable, CD player, cassette deck, two speakers – was in rapidly declining health. The layout of the living space in the new house didn’t quite lend itself to a replacement stereo system, either, and I entertained vague notions of updating my music collection with streaming services and Bluetooth speakers and whatnot.

I saved a few albums for sentimental reasons and stuffed them into a cedar chest with old photos and assorted flotsam and jetsam. Most of the remaining albums I carried to a used record store in Norfolk called Skinnie’s, where the owner, a fellow named Steve, said he was interested. My albums were weighted heavily toward blues, jazz and ‘60s and ‘70s soul music, with a sprinkling of rock, alternative and what’s now called Americana. I brought in armloads of albums and Steve began to thumb through them. He looked up at one point, a little sheepish, and said, I can’t come close to paying you what they’re worth. I told him, no worries, that I was moving, had no place to put them, and pay me what you can. I told him I was happy they were with someone who appreciated them, whether he squirreled them away for himself or sold them all to customers who would want them. When I made a second music drop several days later, I drew some satisfaction from the fact that Steve had used my records as the foundation for a separate blues bin, and that the jazz discs had greatly enhanced that section of the store.

I saved a greater portion of my CDs – easier to store – and play them on a modest, little component system my wife kept and that sits on a corner table. As for updating and replacing the music I purged, well, a combination of laziness and techno-aversion prevailed. Shoot, I lean on the G:TB community and this site to keep me marginally current and to remind me of music I’ve forgotten.

Fast-forward to Christmas 2018. My wife and I keep gift giving with each other to a minimum, since we don’t need to further clutter our space with more stuff. But this Christmas, Suzanne brought out a box about two feet square and a foot high. She came across it while shopping for something else and decided to take a flier – a Victrola turntable, with self-contained speakers, an old-school radio dial and Bluetooth capabilities. Nothing fancy and relatively inexpensive. She kept some albums that she bought and thought it would be a kick to be able to play hers, as well as mine.

We bought a small table for the Victrola to sit on and carved out a space in the living area. I fished our albums out of the cedar chest – I’m not sure we’d opened it since we moved – and was jazzed to see that I’d saved more records than I remembered. A decent sampling of my old collection. Once or twice a week, we’ll crank up the turntable and play an album or two. Always makes me smile.
(Brief aside: digitizing voices, sounds and instrumentation and delivering tunes via electronic devices seems perfectly logical to me; but embedding music into the narrow grooves of a thin, round piece of vinyl and transmitting it through a stylus as it spins?!? That’s some goddamned wizardry.)

Records, and by extension, turntables appear to be making a comeback. Well, probably not a comeback. More like they climbed off life support and are now resting comfortably in an assisted-living facility outside Princeton, N.J. According to an October 2018 story on the music site Auxoro, vinyl purchases plummeted from a peak of 340 million people who bought records in 1978, to only 4.9 million people in 1991. Fewer than 900,000 albums were bought in 2006, according to the Record Industry Association of America, but in 2017, that number jumped to 14.3 million. Analysts think the number approached 20 million last year and believe that sales are likely higher, since the RIAA tracks only new record purchases and not used albums or indie-store traffic. A local music store here on the Outer Banks sells albums. The Barnes & Noble in Newport News, Va., sells records, as well, and not just remastered classics like the Beatles or Led Zeppelin or Aretha, but I saw the Lumineers and Panic! At the Disco. B&N also has a fair online album catalog.

Turntable purchases, according to a statistical aggregate site, jumped from 49,000 in 2012 to 67,000 in 2017. A high-end turntable manufacturer based in the Czech Republic, SEV Litovel, saw its production jump from 32,000 in 2009 to 125,000 in 2016 and spent $7 million on a new plant and expanded staff to meet demand. You can spend anywhere from $50-$60 to upwards of $10,000 on a turntable.

To be sure, records are a niche market, for oldsters such as myself who can’t give up the ghost, for audiophiles with deep pockets who regard music and its presentation as aural experience akin to art galleries, even for curious Millenials and GenXers who are intrigued by album art or liner notes or just the opportunity to hold onto a functioning piece of history. I believe that museums ought to have an exhibit, alongside the pioneers in covered wagons and Native-American villages, of a guy with shaggy hair and bell bottoms leaning over a turntable to place the needle on a record, with posters of Diana Ross and Carlos Santana on the walls behind him.

Today’s technology makes music access and storage so much more convenient and efficient and sensible. I begrudge no one’s attempts to streamline their existence. Hell, I should do more of it, myself. But a little impracticality and inconvenience helps keep you honest. And if there’s music at the end of the process, so much the better.

Friday, February 01, 2019

Park the Bus!

A few months ago I retired from the daily grind of Sentence of Dave, and started a new, long-form Wordpress blog called Park the Bus.  I don't really know what I'm doing with Wordpress, but (theoretically) I do have a lot more control over how things look. And I'm not writing for Google any longer. I own my own content.

More importantly, I'm taking my time. That's what Park the Bus is all about. Killing time for the win. Sentence of Dave was perfect for the frantic years when my kids were young. It kept me writing. It also doubles as a fairly accurate journal of an eleven year period of my life (which isn't necessarily a good thing: I got in a debate with my wife about when we watched Shutter Island . . . she said it was a couple years ago and I said it was 2010 . . . I checked the blog and it really was back in 2010! But it turned out she wasn't interested in chronological precision and said I was annoying).

Anyway, I've got a new post up and I need some traffic. My new site is off the map. So please head over and read "Please Do Not Tell My Wife About the “Send Audio Clip Over SMS” Feature (A Close Reading of an Irate Text)" and I promise you'll get the full story on this: