The Issues of Our Times

From the desk of William & Mary President Taylor Reveley:

Dear William & Mary Community,

We have the Tribe to unite us, but no mascot at the moment. Let’s find one and have fun while we search!

Terry Driscoll, director of athletics, will chair a committee charged with seeking and reviewing mascot ideas from William & Mary alumni, students, faculty, and staff. Committee members have set up a website where they’ll take suggestions and report on their progress.

Do visit www.wm.edu/mascot to submit your mascot ideas and see how the search is going.

It will be great if the mascot is ready to roll at some point next fall, perhaps by Homecoming.

Taylor Reveley

Dear President Reveley:

We appreciate the critical and diverse nature of the challenges facing The College in a time of fiscal crisis and deep uncertainty. It is precisely our understanding of these issues that gives us cause to celebrate your priorities. Truly, only a man with a deeply Gheorgian sense of the value of the inane and silly would be compelled to move forward on something of this micromagnitude. And for that, sir, we humbly salute you.

Oh, and we've got some ideas. One idea, really, and a caution.

As you well know, we've been at the forefront of the Draft the Wrens movement for some time now. (Liberties taken with the terms, 'draft' and 'movement'. Also 'the'.) The wren has both obvious geocultural relevance and a noted poet-warrior spirit. W&M could do worse. And, frankly, we fear that it will. GTB's own sociological expert, TR (nee Rhymenocerous) implores you to avoid the obvious trap, noting "The mascot is going to end up being an unattractive lesbian who hangs out in the smoking section of Swem Library."

We know you're a busy man, so we'll waste no more of your time. We conclude by once again saluting your wisdom and offering our wholehearted support. Unless you want us to actually do something, in which case, good luck with buying remaindered Gunston costumes from George Mason.

Hark upon the Gale,

The Gheorghe: The Blog Editorial Staff

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Important and related addendum:

The Fighting Wrens close out what can only be described as a disappointing 2008-09 campaign tomorrow evening, hosting Drexel in Williamsburg. W&M is 9-19, 4-13 in conference play, and has sewn up the 11th seed in next week's CAA tournament. FOGTB Michael Litos is projecting a first-round matchup against Hofstra, a matchup the bodes extremely poorly for the good guys. Guessing now, but we really need JMU to win and Hofstra to lose (at home, against woeful UNCW) to have a shot at the Dukes next Friday. On the bright side, W&M took off like a very slow, white bat out of hell last season when we started calling them the Wrens, so look for fortunes to reverse immediately.

Who's up for a four-minute-long verse without instrumental breaks or a refrain?

On a Friday that is sure to drag and suck some donkey d, how about a little Ricky Walters to distract you:

I just can't help myself

Hey rob, thanks for finding my shoe...

The actual caption:
"He Pingping, the world's shortest man, with a giant shoe on February 13, 2009. Wearing a sparkly white suit and sporting a tuft of dyed, slicked-back hair, he said on Friday that there was every reason to think big about being tiny."

Who You Gonna Believe, Me, or Your Lying Ears?

If you were drifting off to sleep during the Republican response to President Obama's speech last night, you could be forgiven for waking up this morning and wondering which of these two same-sounding gentlemen spoke on behalf of the GOP.

The Devin Harris Heave last night allowed us to enter the Brook Lopez Zone

Nope, I'm not embedding the clip of that miraculous shot to win the game. I'm embedding the even more absurd interview with Brook Lopez after the game regarding the shot. Feel free to ignore Vinsanity for the first 20 seconds of this clip...but then sit back and enjoy the comedy that is Brook Lopez. Brook appears to be a mix of this guy and maybe this guy, with a splash of him thrown in.



This guy went to Stanford?

Scumbag Millionaire

In light of last night's G:TB-supported Oscar winner, the rags-to-riches tale Slumdog Millionaire, we thought we'd play our own version of the now (in)famous game show. Ours will, of course, be slightly more topical and significantly less successful. Moreover, unlike Slumdog, it will not feature the stylings of this near-Caucasian rapperista:



Oh and, like G:TB's CEO, Rob, our "Millionaire" will be...... condensed.

Which one of these headlines implies the work of a sound baseball organization?

A) "Federal investigators probe rampant signing bonus skimming of team's Latin American players."
B) " Team releases previous year's opening day starter after he refuses MINOR league contract offer."
C) "Team Coach put on indefinite leave after reported contract fraud involving pitching prospect".
D) "Team celebrates former Comeback Player of the Year's impressive weight-loss."

Answer: Technically, D

And to answer your question

you bet your ass I watched this clip all the way until the end. It's absolutely mesmerizing...

Bracket Busters Ghoogles

I'm so excited about Siena/Northern Iowa at 3pm today (on epsn2) that I woke up at 6am. Actually, that's not true at all...I just can't freakin' sleep. So you get this bi-product of my nervous energy:

• And now for something completely futile
• nba tyrone hill girlfriend wife
• how to draw peter
• john staluppi felon
• circle jerk blog [god damn you rob]
• dunk of the day
• dan lebatard girlfriend
• the best of eddie money
• its friday you aint got no job
• andy rautins mullet
• +ybt +tap the bottle
• stan yagiello, william and mary
• finished games above 500
• huggy low down
• nattering nabob blog
• nobody knows i had kelly bundy
• duck cottage maudlin
• it's Friday, you ain't got no job, you aint got shit to do!
• nate james a funf defining blogspot
• Dave Winfield sued for herpes [I think we have a winner for best search in this post]
• pictures of mustache Iranian men
• smackin' bandit
• its friday, you aint got shit to do
• pompatus
  

I'm feeling pretty super today...

I sincerely hope that you've seen the first couple episodes of Me & Stephon. I just caught the second episode and I can barely wait for the third installment. I haven't been this racked with anticipation since The Sopranos was in its heyday. Seriously, there's just so much to love here that I can't even fathom where to begin. Instead, I'll leave you with this question and then let you watch for yourself. Is it possible that Stephon just needs a goofy white guy or two around him in order to make him a fun loving, gregarious, man of the people? If so, let's get RhymO and Zoltan on this, stat.



Wait...Marbury watches Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Good Morning. Enjoy.

Mark isn't the only one who enjoyed some old school hip hop...

Yo, I Think I'm Starting to Peak Now, Al

Don't look now, but your William & Mary Tribe just ripped off their second 20+ point victory in their last three games, going on the road to take out Towson, 76-54. The Impossible Dream of a top 10 seed in the CAA Tournament is within their grasp.

In unrelated news, Penn State beat Illinois, 38-33. Gah.

And while this post takes filler to an entirely new level, the geniuses at G:TB will make it up to you. Promise.

Thanks to Whitney

for finding this clip of what it feels like to be back at work after a week's vacation in Italy (recap of this dummy in Firenze pending). Yeah, I feel like the little kid in this clip:

Happy Presidents Day

rob, despite being the only one of us actually at work today (I think), sent me an email requesting this clip as our Presidents Day post. It sure beats what I had planned (either some love for Dennis Martinez or Swayze's crew from Point Break), so here you go:

Love, Love, Love

Presented without comment. Okay, a little comment. Hate makes people stupid.

(h/t to The Atlantic's Jeffrey Goldberg)

Let's be honest, Friday the 13th is WAY cooler than Valentine's Day.

If you haven't noticed, I like to talk a lot of shit about Rob. Part of this is due to the fact that I'm bigger than him. However, most of it is due Rob being my boss here at G:TB. Everybody hates their boss. Now, just imagine if your boss was 4'6" and despite not paying you (or honoring his bets) he still told you what to do all the time and censored your posts when they offended his lily white, guilt ridden ass. I'm gonna take it easy on Rob today though. It's almost Valentine's Day and he's really not that bad a guy. I mean, things could be worse. Geoff could be my boss and I could be penning a 2,500 word piece on Jim Bowden and how his breath smells like cinnamon and his jumpsuits are as soft as a new born baby's bottom. Clearly things aren't as bad as I sometimes make them out to be. And clearly, you're gonna want to turn up your speakers and close your office door for this classic. This...is baby making music, people.



While, I'm giving out love to the Wu. I thought this next clip might also be appropriate for Friday the 13th. Was HorrorCore a gimmick and somewhat cheesy? You know it. Did I once own this song on a cassette single and did I recently download it because it's still a fucking banger? You bet your sweet ass I did.



Enjoy your weekend G:TBers. Oh, and Geoff, be careful buddy. When you have sex with Jim Bowden you're having sex with everybody Barry Larkin's ever had sex with too.

Sentiment We Can All Believe In

A multiple-duty clip this morning in honor of W&M's big hardcourt win over UNC-Wilmington last night, Teejay's early-morning adventures on the continent, Whitney's general state of affairs, and Mark. Just wanted to honor Mark. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Tribe's own Scott Miller:

You asked for it: You get it (kind of)

In TJ's absence there's been far too little sports in this space. I mean, I like lists, talk of the economy and Rob's ramblings as much as the next guy (provided that the "next guy" is a strung out meth addict who talks to a sock puppet named Cornelius) but UNC-Duke is tonight and, dammit, that demands some attention.

So, in honor of RhymO's suggestion, I'm compiling lineups (including 6th men) from both Duke and UNC comprised entirely of players who nobody, other than their parents, ever thought had even a 1% chance of playing in the NBA. And just so we're clear, by "playing" I mean actually playing and contributing to a real, live NBA team (so no Timberwolves allowed. Hi-O!).

Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments. Also, feel free to go fuck yourself if you disagree with me. K-Thx.

North Carolina

PG: King Rice - Not that quick, just an average handle and no jumpshot to speak of whatsoever. Rice just beats out Derrick Phelps based on both his fresh high top fade and the story that he once missed a game because his girlfriend gave him a black eye.

SG: Donald Williams - He was not even as good a college player as most like to remember based on his exemplary performance as a sophomore in the Final Four. I'd liken him to a poor man's Trajan Langdon. Not very tall (6'1"), not much of a ballhandler and a pretty average athlete. Once won a championship in the Dominican Republic professional league, so he's got that going for him.

SF: Ademola Okulaja - Most people forget that he was a starter as a freshman over the much more ballyhooed (and talented) Vince Carter. (Maybe this should've been our first clue that Wince was (a) not that smart and (b) not that tough.) Unfortunately, for Okulaja, he never seemed to get better after his freshman year and has spent most of post-college career in Germany playing professionally and re-enacting scenes from Beerfest each summer with Dirk Nowitzki.

PF: Pat Sullivan - Bumbumbum. Carolina apologists will tell you that Sullivan was a "glue guy" who did the "little things" that allow ultra-talented teams to succeed. I'll tell you he was a big, goofy white dude who did nothing exceptionally well.

C: Kevin Salvadori - If it wasn't for Serge Zwikker, Salvadori would define the word "stiff" in most Tarheel fans minds. Unfortunately for Kevin, Serge was 7'3" (thus his brief run in the NBA) and poor Salvadori was only 6'10". Salvadori continued to play in the numerous minor league once he left Chapel Hill and once gave up 20 points to the 6'6" center of my city league team while playing for some ABA (or USBL) team in Jacksonville.



6th man: Henrik Rodl - Greg's favorite Tarheel of all-time. Like a homeless man's version of Detlef Schrempf right down to the god-awful haircut (different but equally terrible). One of the earlier euro-imports to major college basketball. I'm not sure how highly touted Rodl was entering UNC but I feel like he was Christian Drejer before Christian Drejer. God, I fucking hate Christian Drejer.

Duke

PG: Steve Wojciechowski - Probably the least likely NBA player on this entire list. Not especially good at anything, other than slapping the floor and looking intense. His time at the the point featured the worst Duke season of the modern era as well as one of the longer losing streaks to Carolina in the school's history. I'm sure he was a great leader and he worked his tail off on defense (even his D was only average as it was limited by his size and lack of athleticism) but the guy just didn't bring much to the table.

SG: Chris Collins - Another player from the worst Duke team in modern history. Collins was actually a 3 year starter at Duke. However, he was nothing but a spot up shooter until his senior year (2nd team All-ACC as a Sr.) and he also freaked out late in the national championship game versus Arkansas and threw up a horrible shot that effectively ended the game. Collins would've been hard pressed to make the league as a point guard, as a 2 though...absolutely no chance.

SF: Nate James - James was a McDonald's All-American coming out of high school. Unfortunately for him, he played center in high school. 6'6" centers with average athleticism don't usually find success in the ACC, so James set out to remake himself as a perimeter player. He actually did a pretty good job of accomplishing this over time. However, his lack of quickness and inability to create his shot were too much for James to overcome, and he eventually lost his starting job to freshman Chris Duhon as Duke went on to win a National Title.



PF: Greg Newton - One of the more pathetic Duke big men of the last 20 years or so. Quite simply, the guy was a spectacular failure in nearly every conceivable way during his tenure at Duke. Lets just go through some of the highlights, shall we? Once called Tim Duncan "soft" while Duncan was in the middle of destroying the ACC (Duncan completely clowned Newton to the press when he heard about Newton's comments). Suspended from Duke for cheating on a Computer Sciences exam. Lambasted by Coach K in John Feinstein's March to the Madness for being a headcase and, ironically, soft. Claim to fame: Left Duke one blocked shot away from cracking the school's all-time top ten.

C: Casey Sanders - Big, athletic and without a hint of offensive ability. Sanders was a McDonald's All-American who never started a full season at Duke and (I'm guessing) didn't have more than 10 double digit scoring games in his entire ACC career. Because he was so big and athletic it always seemed that the light was just about to flicker on for Sanders. Of course, if it did Sanders probably would've double clutched the light bulb and fumbled it out of bounds.

6th Man: Brian Davis - Davis was like many of his wing counterparts during the late 80s to early 90s at Duke (Antonio Lang, Thomas Hill, Robert Brickey) in that he was a spectacular athlete without a very complete offensive skill set. Davis was probably the least skilled of them all, though he made up for it with "leadership" (Read: found ways to make Christian Laettner happy). I almost went with Lang here but decided that Davis's "alleged" homesexual trysts with Laettner pushed him over the top.

So there it is, your official G:TB list of the most underwhelming rotation players in the Duke-UNC rivalry. If that doesn't get you pumped for tonight, you might want to check your pulse.

Underdogs Worth Mentioning

"No school this small has...."

Giving the fellas some national pub: Congrats boys, on the school's first ever district championship!

**Before you are aghast in horror; don't worry, I would never knowingly direct young impressionable minds to this site. Unless they have a trust fund replete with a marketing budget aimed at the 18-35 demo.


Another underdog to keep in mind this evening as you bounce over from LOST.........

Your Duke Blue Devils look to get things back on track against the Carolina Turd Heels. Odds of seeing Tyler Hansbrough weeping in a bloody puddle set at 3:2, while odds of Dick Vitale suffering a stroke are off as of now. I'm sure I speak for everyone at Gheorghe (not named TJ, Whitney, Rob, Mark, Rhymo, and probably Dave) when I wish the Devils luck tonight.

Also, keep an ear to the ground as the 'Cuse and the, now bubble-iscious, Penn State Nittany Lions seek huge road wins (with apologies to G:TB fav, Purdue) in the 7-o'clock hour tilt. Lions tip off at 6:30 actually, so adjust DVR accordingly...

What, Me Worry?

A new day brings a new list. Here are 14 reasons why the words of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner are spooking the market. Somebody has to teach this guy the power of optimism.

1 - “…right now, critical parts of our financial system are damaged.”

You think so, doctor?

2 - “The credit markets that are essential for small businesses and consumers are not working.”

Consumers still have their credit cards, but they’re not spending because they were/will be/might be laid off at any time. Except for the editors of this site who buy Mayor McCheese costumes. And beer. Lots of beer.

3 - “Last Friday we learned that the economy had lost three million jobs last year and an additional 600,000 just last month.”

Shouldn’t Geithner be learning this before the general public? Can you pull some strings to get this guy a peek at a rough draft? Would anybody object to this?

4 - “Trade among nations has contracted sharply…”

I clearly blame the Oneida nation for this. Sitting there all high and mighty with their casinos and their untaxed cigarettes. Somebody should get Sam Bradford to have a talk with them.

5 - “Home prices are still falling as foreclosures rise…”

Oh yeah. Thanks for the reminder about that. I forgot about that kick to the balls for a second.

6 - “Instead of catalyzing recovery, the financial system is working against recovery.”

I dare you to find any logic in this sentence.

7 - “…unless we restore the flow of credit, the recession will be deeper and longer, causing even more damage to families and businesses across the country.”

Deeper. Longer. What are we really talking about here? The real inference here - Be a good American and buy a car with zero down, even though you may not have a job!

8 - “The causes of the crisis are many and complex. They accumulated over time, and will take time to resolve.”

Yet we still failed to see (and act upon) them! (Looking at you, Mr. Greenspan. At least you finished your book.)

9 - “There were systematic failures in the checks and balances in the system, by Boards of Directors, by credit rating agencies, and by government regulators.”

Convenient that government regulators is last on the list. The true villain for this mess – Moody’s!

10 - “These failures helped lay the foundation for the worst economic crisis in generations.”

Notice that generation is plural. If a generation can be thought of as 25-30 years, does that mean this is the worst since the Great Depression? Isn’t that only 2 or 3 generations ago? This is no time for ambiguous use of the plural tense, Mr. Geithner.

11 - “Last fall, as the global crisis intensified, Congress acted quickly and courageously to provide emergency authority to help contain the damage. The government used that authority to pull the financial system back from the edge of catastrophic failure.”

Way to remind us how close we came to the brink of despair. My therapist and I were starting to put that behind us. In a way, it reminds me of the way Hulk Hogan broke out of the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch in the Garden in 1984. Now THAT was a pull-back from the edge of catastrophic failure.

12 - “The force of government support was not comprehensive or quick enough…”

But at least it was courageous. And, um, didn’t you just say it was quick before? Was it quick or not? Regardless of the answer to that, it’s good to know that President Obama has learned from this mistake and refrained from publicly chastising legislators to pass something…anything…even if it’s not perfect…immediately. The message - Courage and speed: good. Forethought: bad.

13 - “…the American people have lost faith in the leaders of our financial institutions…”

We're looking at you, John Thain and Ken Lewis. Wipe those smarmy looks off your faces. And this line ignores the faith we lost (never found?) in our last president.

14 - “To get credit flowing again…we are fundamentally reshaping the government's program to repair the financial system.”

Piece of cake!

Return of the Nabobs

Ruminations and ramblings while trying to picture Teejay interacting with the locals in Florence. Renaissance takes on a whole new meaning.

It looks like Val kilmer is running for Governor of New Mexico in 2010, and I couldn't be happier. Take one allegedly insane actor, mix with one of our loonier states - a curious blend of survivalists, hippies, and military types - and let simmer for 2-4 years. It's my fervent hope that he wins and brings an interstellar laser popcorn popper to Fort Huachuca. Failing that, I'll settle for "I'm your huckleberry" as his campaign slogan. (Editor's Note: As it turns out, Fort Huachuca is in Arizona. They probably won't be so thrilled if Governor Iceman rains laser hell on their popcorn. Apologies if we alarmed any innocent Arizonans.)

Tremendous Wednesday night of sports programming on the horizon, so adjust your schedules appropriately. First, William & Mary hosts UNC-Wilmington in a battle for 11th place in the CAA. The broadcast radius is approximately 37 meters from W&M Hall, so make sure you've got the high-powered antennae working. Or, just follow along online. You won't be able to avoid the 9:00 showdown in Durham between North Carolina and Duke - even if you turn off your television, Dickie V's piercing tones will echo in your ears for hours. Finally, don't sleep on the U.S.A./Mexico World Cup qualifier from Columbus, OH. Kickoff is at 7:00, and while you'll probably be drawn to the W&M game, be sure to catch Bob Bradley's Red, White & Blue against our biggest rival. (h/t to Wheelhouse commenter Chip for reminding me about this one.)

As some of you know, I recently caved to peer pressure and got on Facebook. After a few weeks of moderately entertaining social networking, I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. I've had several 'friend' requests from people who ostensibly went to my high school, but I can't for the life of me remember them. This is assuredly not their fault. I'm quite sure they know me and at one point in my life, I knew them. My memory for people's names, though, is for shit. Always has been. Song titles, too, but I digress. Nobody told me Facebook would be this awkward. On the plus side, I am now 'friends' with a guy from high school who is also 'friends' with Michael Steele, so I've got a go-to guy for insanely stubborn economic idiocy.

Finally, as predicted somewhere in this space yesterday, the A-Rod apologies have already begun to flow from the national media. The Washington Post's Dave Sheinin weighs in.

Barely 48 hours after seeing his sizable legacy compromised by a published
report that he had tested positive for steroids in 2003, New York Yankees third
baseman Alex Rodriguez made a full confession that, while notably lacking in
details, struck a distinct contrast from the denials, silences and
tortured explanations of some of his similarly disgraced peers.

Subtle, Mr. Sheinin. A little tut-tutting before the Dan Rather "courage". Well played.

It's All About the Barrys

A new week brings a new list here at G:TB. In honor of our new President (as well as our old disco hero, a soul singer, a mullet-sporting ex-coach, a couple athletes and some other schmucks), we present G:TB's Official Top 10 Barrys of All-Time.

This list was compiled in accordance with the modified Stableford scoring system, so many accomplished folks who flirted with the name Barry (or a close proxy thereof) are ineligible to compete. Honorable mentions go out to Dave Barry, Berry Gordy, Marion Barry, Halle Berry, Raymond Berry, Joe Barry Carroll and the entire NBA playing Barry clan. Except Brent. That guy sucks.

10. Barry Sanders
Mr. Sanders electrified millions with his moves as an Okie State Cowboy and a Detroit Lion. But this video game hero was a real-life enigma, seeming to be controlled by his father. He made LaDainian Tomlinson seem glib on the sideline, coming across like an overly sensitive pansy. He cracks the Top 10 because of his moves, but he stays low because he never came across as a remotely cool or fun guy.

9. Barry Goldwater
Though he was a loser on the largest of stages, Mr. Goldwater is a winner on this list. His conservative message fueled the political drive of Ronald Reagan, his idealogies embody the political passion of as many as one editors of this blog, and his glasses inspired the modern day fashion look of Martin Scorcese. For these reasons, Mr. Goldwater, you are on this list.


8. Barry Beck
Though there is nary a New York Ranger fan among the editors of this blog, there is a strong contingent that loved old-time hockey and Eddie Shore. Barry Beck was a staunch defenseman who wore the C on his Rangers sweater for over half of the 1980's. He was smart, durable and tough as a box of nails. He would fight you in a a second, and usually came out the victor. As the announcer in the clip below says, "Beck is supposed to be a destroyer of men."



7. Barry Williams
Sure, the guy is now a creepy man in his 50's who will shill any rumor from the Brady Bunch for a free lunch. But back in the day, he was the man. He hooked up with Marcia, he dated the real-life Mrs. Brady and he had an alter-ego called Johnny Bravo. Unfortunately, he loses points because his alter ego wasn't named Barry.


6. Barry Melrose
The suits, the hair, the gel, the bizarre coaching gigs, Mr. Melrose has a tremendous resume for this list. Not necessary to say a lot more about the man who is singlehandedly keeping this company in business.


5. Barry Obama
Yes, I have the President at#5. I could not be more excited that we have a President named Barry. Not only is he named Barry, he had an Afro, he smokes cigarettes and dabbled in drugs at a younger days. Tremendous all the way around. He doesn't make it higher because he has yet to establish himself as a leader. And because I don't like the way he pronounces the first "a" in Pakistan.

4. Barry White
The Godfather of Soul's sultry voice has spawned the conception of countless babies. On shag carpets, on a car's fine corinthian leather backseats or on a velvet sofa, Mr. White has laid down the sounds that let the magic happen. And as if his dulcet tones weren't smooth enough, he had the pimping hair and beard which oozed soul. If you want to know how to sweet-talk a lady, may I suggest studying the lyrics to Love Serenade.

3. Barry Manilow
Write the songs indeed. Your amazing brand of cheese is so accessible to all of white America that you have become an icon. And while many folks will claim that Clay Aiken is the Barry Manilow of this generation, I claim that Barry Manilow is still the Barry Manilow of this generation. To the dozen of our readers wandering by this nook of the woods on their daily jaunt through cyberspace, if the clip below doesn't get you fired up to process the shit out of some TPS reports at your cubicle, you are no friend of mine.



2. Barry Gibb
The clothes. The brothers. The era. The beard. The beats. And the falsetto. Mr. Gibb was the leader of the biggest band in the disco era, when the collars were big and the chest hairs were long. Many like to frown upon the disco era. I hate those people.

1. Barry (and Levon) from The State
If you missed The State in the early 1990's on MTV, you, um, missed a very funny show. This clip needs no introduction. And I wish I could embed it, but, apparently, I am unable to do so.

Arrivederci jerks

I am leaving for Florence this evening to soak in the sights, sounds and....who am I kidding...food and vino of Italy for a week. Nice job getting married in Italy, Work Jerry. Good times will be had by all.

And don't worry, I've already mastered Italian, thanks to Rosetta Stone and this:



Fast enough for you rob?

I can't help that I'm custom made...

I toyed with posting something last night but then the Vatican called and the next thing you know it was damn near 1 am. Time flies when you're participating in regrettable behavior, right? Anyway, since its not a particularly busy day for me I thought I'd bring back one of my all-time favorite youtubes in order to spice up the morning for everyone. Well, that and Rob told me he wanted something new atop this page (well, before TJ trumped me and actually produced some content) so that those who venture into the comments section wouldn't have such easy access to his wife's midday emasculation of him from yesterday. You may think that our Lil' Napoleon is some elitist douche whose wife has his balls in her purse (not true, she keeps them in her glove compartment) and you'd be right.

But thats not the whole story, there's more going on than that. Think of Rob as a missionary here in Blogfrica. You see, Rob's really doing the Lord's work...each and everyday. Every few months, I think I might want to get married and force my better half (says who?) into pooping out a few little rats, but then I hear about him missing a game to attend the fair or canceling a day of drinking with his friends so he can dress up like a clown and make balloon animals for 30 screaming 4 year olds and suddenly I remember that kids are assholes. Huge, selfish assholes packaged in cute, pint sized containers. So Rob, you pathetically henpecked little midget, this one's for you. Enjoy...

Hey, it could be worse...

I was ginning this post up Wednesday, looking to make rob and the tens and tens of Tribe hoops fans forget about their woeful squad, when out of nowhere William and Mary goes and upsets CAA leader Northeastern at the Tribe Dome that night.

And look, I snooze, I looze.

Well rob, EAD and LMB, because I still have some pertinent content. The Tribe team sucks...bad...old man balls as some may say. And despite Wednesday night's fluke W, I still felt it my goal to make us feel better about our donkey low-major program. So, I dug up the winless conference programs* in the country, but let's be honest, they don't all make us feel better.

[*My delay in posting this also allowed Indiana to get off the schneid. The Hoosiers beat Iowa the other night for their first Big Ten win. Tom Crean's club, they are bad.]

DePaul is 8-15, 0-10 in the Big East. But it's the Big East. Not exactly the CAA. And they had my boy Sammy Mejia the last few years. Plus, their old coach is now at a hurting CAA program. Can you name him? And the school?

Winless big time conference teams 1, HaplessTribe 0

OK, let's try this again. Here's Georgia...you know, the program Jim Harrick treated like fresh meat at Oswald State Correctional Facility. They are 9-13, 0-7 in the SEC...but again, they're in the SEC. And have you been to Athens? Let's just say there is A LOT more to look at than in Williamsburg.

Winless big time conference teams 2, HaplessTribe 0

That smell you're picking up from the Pacific Northwest (nope, wrong skunky smell Mark) is the stink emanating from the Oregon Ducks 2008-2009 season. They're 6-16 on the year, and an abysmal 0-10 in Pac 10 play. They inch closer to making me feel better as a Tribe fan, but again, they're in the Pac 10...I'd rather watch UCLA trounce my team than a Georgia St or Towson.

Winless big time conference teams 3, HaplessTribe 0

Dammit, this whole thing is going down the drain...where are the first true "hey it could be worse..." comparisons?

Ah, let's go local. The George Washington Colonials are putting together a horrific season (6-13, 0-7 in conf). They've lost ten straight games, and their leading "scorer" averages 12 a game. See loyal Tribe followers, it really could be worse...

Never one to stop the momentum, we could also be stuck rooting for one of these two sad independents instead of the Tribe:
North Carolina Central, 2-23
N.J.I.T., 1-22
Wait a second. How the hell did NJIT actually get a win? That's a freakin' miracle.

Now onto the meat of the order. Hey, it could REALLY be worse...we could be fans of Southeast Missouri State. These poor guys are 0-12 in the middling Ohio Valley, 3-20 on the year. 12 losses in a row for SEMO. Looking at the sked, I'm not even sure where they will get a win the rest of the year. How does 3-27 sound (0-18 in league play), with a 19 game losing streak capping the year?

Air Force has completely fallen apart as well. Weren't these guys in the Dance the last few years? They still running that Princeton offense? If so, it doesn't appear to be working very well. These guys sit comfortably in the Mountain West cellar, 9-12 overall but 0-8 in conference play. So, we could be rooting for these guys...and have to be in the actual military. Thanks, I think I'll pass.

You like hippie crunchy granola uber liberals and the urban decay of Providence, RI? Well then Brown is for you...and you can have their winless hoops team as well. Sure, they've only played 4 Ivy League games so far, but they've dropped them all. I'll take our "public Ivy" over these clowns anyday, and that has nothing to do with me getting rejected by Brown.

And the "Hey it could be worse..." coup de grâce:
Loyola Marymount of the WCC. 0-7 in the league, 1-22 overall. They're losing by 20+ a night. They have to listen to people ball wash Gonzaga all year long. Hank Gathers is rolling over in his grave. Bo Kimble too if he has recently passed on.

The Urkel photo? If you google "Hey it could be worse" this is the third pic.

Post Count Enhancer

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. The Tribe took out the CAA's first-place team last night, dropping Northeastern, 68-63. Combined with VCU's equally inexplicable loss to UNC-Wilmington, the result ensures that the conference won't grab an at-large bid to the NCAA Tournament.

Whatever. That just means more fun at the CAA Tournament, March 6-9 in Richmond. Futile Superfans should make plans now to miss work on Friday, March 6. The Tribe is still in the driver's seat for the 12 seed and a 2:30 tip. D.C. area G:TBers will leave the Nation's Capital at 11:00 or so and get to Richmond in time to meet Whitney for a quick lunch and a few cold beers. Should the impossible happen and W&M ascends to the 11 seed, we'll change the departure time to accomodate dinner and a few cold beers.

Mark, we'll pick you up at the airport on our way into town.

Can You Tell Me How to Get...

2009 marks the 40th anniversary of the much-beloved Sesame Street, and we're starting the celebration early here at G:TB with a roll call of our favorite characters. For me:

(Note: this has no connection to yesterday's post. None, whatsover.)

Opinionated, Marginally Informed Rant of the Week

Like most people, I was shocked and saddened by the recent revelations regarding Michael Phelps' apparent use of marijuana. I'm sure you share my deep disappointment that an icon of Phelps' magnitude so flagrantly disregarded his moral and legal obligations.

Yeah, I can't keep a straight face, either.

Mostly, I just think Phelps is a dope (oh, yeah, you'd better believe that was intentional) who should know better than to put himself in a situation where others can profit from his notoriety. Otherwise, he was doing something literally millions of people his age do. The reflexive hand-wringing that inevitably accompanies athlete/celebrity pot busts is the real (and sadly predictable) disappointment.

"But what about the children? Think of the impressionable children." Michael Phelps has no more obligation to my children than do you, in terms of teaching them responsibility for their actions and how to make good choices. And if you believe otherwise, keep your delinquent offspring clear of my daughters.

Despite the protestations of the news media (hypocrisy, thy name is ink-stained wretch) marijuana is a fact of life in modern America, especially (though not exclusively) among younger generations. Our choice is to moralize, criminalize, and generally overreact, or to develop systemic structures to regulate, tax, and manage its distribution and use. The default setting: hysteria. We spend an estimated $69 billion each year in America enforcing drug laws. We incarcerate three times as many people (more than 1.9 million each year) on drug charges today than we did in 1980 - and bear the commensurate societal costs. I'm no economist, and I'm sure as hell no public policy expert, but if we take those costs out of the system and replace them with tax revenue and a regulatory framework (read: jobs), well, that'd be economic stimulus I think we could all get behind.

And change we can all believe in.

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Late addendum from Andrew Sullivan on the possibility of Phelps being charged with a crime, quoted in its entirety because I couldn't have said it better:

"America's drug war insanity deepens. What I love about the harrumphing is its total incoherence. The argument, so far as I can tell, is: a) marijuana destroys people, renders them incapable of productive and worthwhile lives; b) yes, the new president and the greatest Olympic swimmer of all time have smoked pot; c) but that means we have to punish them all the more! Because they disprove the lies required to sustain the Prohibition.

The more the myths of the anti-cannabis brigade are exposed, the more they have to be enforced. For my original pro-Phelps splutter, see here."

Know your first round upset winner

Despite the tremendous budget quagmire I am wading through at work, I am throwing this up because I can't deal with rob bothering me every 30 minutes for a post. So, I thought I'd help everyone out a month early and give you a surefire first round upset winner:
Siena from the MAAC

Currently 17-5 (11-0 in conference play), Siena will most likely be a 12 or 13 seed. Sagarin actaully has them ranked #57, ahead of quite a few big conference teams on the proverbial "bubble". Now, you might recall I was all over the Saints last March as well, and if you listened, you too got their first round upset (thrashing) over Vanderbilt correct. Don't doubt me this year - this team is actually better than last year's team. Some Big 10 or ACC school will be pissed when they draw Siena on Selection Sunday.

The Saints have a deep, veteran squad, with any of five guys capable of leading them on a given night. Senior guard Kenny Hasbrouck has Cassell-sized cajones and has no qualms about taking the big shot. For a mid-major school Siena possesses surprising athleticism throughout the roster. Coach Fran McCaffrey commendably put together a brutal non-conference schedule, especially for a school out of the MAAC. Sure, they lost every bigtime non-conference game they played, but losing by 13 to Pitt and 7 to Kansas ain't too shabby. Those kind of early season road games can only help the Saints come March.

Of course, now that I've written this, Siena will lose in the first round of the MAAC tourney and I'll be crafting a "Know you first round NIT upset winner" post weeks from now, but oh well, this should at least keep rob at bay for a few hours...