Big day for me down at Dewey, Cheatem & Howe, but there's always time for the completely uninspired GTB "Separated at Birth" segment. Today's installment stars Quahog's most nefarious ladies man and sexual deviant, Glenn Quagmire, and the manager of your Washington Nationals, Manny Acta. Giggity giggity goo...
Dennis will be protecting Fort G:TB over the weekend, as I will be hitting the beach with Whit and Rob (and many, many more characters) for the 14th Annual Outer Banks Fishing Trip. It will take us days to recover from this, so I suggesting watching a lot of TV and perhaps getting past page 3 of Atlas Shurgged while we're gone. Just don't watch a second of "Who's Now" on SportsCenter...I'm trying to help you, I swear.
After admitting to marijuana use under oath Monday during divorce proceedings, Elijah Dukes has been ordered by a judge to take random drugs tests.
if there ever was one. The speed of Vince Coleman, but unfortunately the same degree of character as well. Much like we saw when Tyson lost Cus D'Amato, The Crook suffered greatly after the demise of Cookie Jarvis, but he's still a force to be reckoned with in centerfield. . . and anywhere near a bowl of cookies that somehow, beyond all comprehension, masquerades itself as cereal.
lumber and the amber, roaming right field and pub floors of Dorchester with equal frequency. (And it's rarely milk in that bowl.) He loves to play up the Irish thing with the fans, though insiders know his last name is actually Kowalczyk. From the Charms' 2007 Media Guide: "Turn-ons include green clovers and the hit-and run; turn-offs include the designated hitter and 'those f%#@ing brats who're always after me lucky charms'." Fast fact: Lucky's been ejected from three All-Star Games in his career.
"Can't get enough of that Super Sugar Crisp" may speak to his addiction to the stuff. Palling around with Starsky & Hutch's guy Huggy Bear and Fletch's buddy Gummy Bear doesn't help his image any. The power this All-Star brings to the table does impress, of course, but the Rock Raines-like name changes only serve to confuse and cast Sugar Bear in a shadier light. True Fact: "Sugar Bear has been voiced by Gerry Matthews since 1963." True Fact 2: "Last winter Gary Matthews Jr. was accused of ordering/using Human Growth Hormone." Coincidence?
Hall of Famer, make no mistake. Though his bellowing voice and rah-rah "gr-r-r-reat" attitude has earned him something of a reputation as a clubhouse blowhard over the years, he's still beloved by his legion of fans. He's a DH-in-training, but for now Tony's the cornerstone of the franchise and even the league. His club the Frosted Flakes (or as they're known in the UK, the Frosties) has fallen into mid-major status, but he'll be remembered long after they bury that red bandanna behind Kellogg's HQ.
whose owners have felt the need to repeatedly change names with the times), was in turmoil for a very long time at this position. It's not unlike the New York Yankees of the 80's and 90's, who suffered through Opening Day shortstops Roy Smalley, Tim Foli, Bobby Meacham, Wayne Tolleson, Rafael Santana, Alvaro Espinoza, Randy Velarde, Spike Owen (Big Stein was so jealous of the '86 Series, he nabbed both batless shortstops), Mike Gallego, and Tony Fernandez to finally get to Derek Jeter. The Smacks club waded through the following dreck as mascots before Dig 'Em came on the scene in 1972: various clowns, including Cliffy the Clown; a seal named Smaxey dressed in a sailor suit; Quick Draw McGraw; The Smackin' Bandit, a half-mule, half-kangaroo who kissed everyone in sight; The Smackin' Brothers, two boys dressed in boxing shorts and boxing gloves; an American Indian Chief on a horse. Dig 'Em put them on the map with his power stroke, slick fielding, base-stealing, and enormous sneakers. He's the coolest of the mascots -- perhaps the anti-Tony -- and we dig 'im.
1963 and is still ranked the fans' #1 favorite. Horatio Magellan Crunch, Jr. (real name) has enjoyed a Ripken-like streak of consistency, not to be undone by his advanced age, that Crunchberry Beast sidetrack, or by kids scraping the roofs of their mouths with his unsogged cereal. If his bat has slowed, we can't tell. His is a storied career with many ups (World Series of Cereal rings, promoted to Admiral briefly) and a few downs (disappeared in 1985 & 1999; Crunch franchise held "Where's the Cap'n?" promo but actually couldn't find him -- he was in a closet on his ship). The Cap'n has a dedicated fan base, almost creepily so. But he's a cornerstone of this roster, to be sure. (Am I the only idiot who didn't realize the cereal is little treasure chests? I never got that.)
he'll be manning the dish for the Cerealites this year in the Midbreakfast Classic. He can wing it, so baserunners will certainly be taking heed as they have all season. Meanwhile, his solid if unspectacular bat complements his veteran approach to the game, the "follow your nose" method. (Sam was also reputed to be in the Cocoa Puff crowd for such a slogan, but it was later dismissed as rumor.) Did You Know?: Toucan Sam originally had a much larger beak and a Carmen Miranda-esque fruit-hat. His subsequent beak-job and ditching of the hat were presumably to be so he could don the catcher's mask.
Honey Nut Cheerios, 2B - A little younger than some of his peers on this All-Star roster, but he's become a star in his own right. Many "Cheerios Classic" fans were reluctant to adopt the little slap hitter and glove man, but Buzz somehow managed to bridge the gap between the sugared franchises with their animated mascots and the health cereals with beaming parents and grinning adolescents. Is he fun to party with? Hell, no. Does he belong on this team? You bet.
career Sonny might've had if it weren't for his troubles with sugary substance abuse, but just as with Steve Howe, all that powder derailed a promising future. Such a fireballer being drafted by the "Coca Puffs" was the kiss of death, but Sonny has persevered tirelessly, as evidenced by his All-Star selection. Beloved by the fans, everyone wants to give him that 50th "second chance." Here's hoping he can hold it together and not go cuckoo this time.
Gaylord Perry, Eddie Harris, and Boo-Berry. Much like Cocoa Puff Sonny, Joaquin Andujar, and the Quik Bunny, the silly rabbit has had trouble keeping his composure on the field over the years, but his deceptive style leaves many swinging at air. Another in a long line of rabid animals who steal sugared cereals from children, the Trix rabbit franchised himself with arguably the catchiest of catch phrases, one quipped by dorky execs and pirated by Deadheads.
as the Count. He also has the heart-touching story: he passed up an opportunity back home for a solid career of achieving supernatural powers by sinking his fangs into the jugulars of his fellow citizens, consuming their blood, and turning them into similarly undead and horrific creatures, giving it all up to play baseball in the Cereal Leagues. He still gets teased for his accent and lumped in with those stiffs Boo-Berry and Yummy Mummy, but he presses on, having turned into a more-than-reliable closer. He still gets mocked by his peers back home for "going the breakfast route" when he's supposed to shy away from sunrises. And he still gets threatened by the religious right for his habit of pointing at the ground and thanking Satan every time he strikes out a batter, but he's just happy to be doing what he loves night in and night out. And playing baseball.
Crackle, & Pop, Rice Krispies, IF/OF - These jacks of all trades, masters of none,
weren't voted in, they were selected by the manager. The fans have never truly responded to this trio, but their peers seem to have even less respect. "The Hanson Brothers they ain't," quipped one All-Star who asked to remain anonymous. Another added, "Snap has no arm and Pop has no power -- they should be called the Misnomers." A third chimed in: "And Crackle . . . I mean, who the hell is Crackle, anyway?" They remind a few onlookers of the 2007 New York Yankees bench, and the word "light" seems to go hand in hand with any mention of them. But . . . the manager wanted them on the club. Crackle just left rehab (again), so they'll be reunited again at General Mills Park for the All-Star Game. Get fired up.
Manager:"We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area. We have been told these are indigenous nocturnal carnivores that don't attack humans unless cornered." -- a very coy Major Mike Shearer
Wink and a nod, MAJ Shearer, wink and a nod.
Back sometime in the Pleistocene I played goalkeeper for a formidable intramural soccer squad at my alma mater. In the all-comers semifinal match, we fought another strong squad to a scoreless tie through regulation and two overtimes. Skip Morris' (yeah, that Skip Morris) successful conversion in the fifth round of the shootout gave us a one-goal advantage and brought our opponents' best player to the penalty spot facing a must-make kick.
Yep, many folks say this three day stretch surrounding the MLB All-Star Game is the most boring sports time of the year, and it's hard to argue with them. In fact, the only thing that seems to occur this time of year is repeated bashing of baseball's mid-summer classic, for a myriad of reasons (pick one appy and one entree please):
Undoubtedly you recall my words of wisdom about Live 8. Welcome to Live Earth. ("Earth Aid" would have been far more appropriate, but so very 1980's.)
touring together all summer, it doesn't have that one-off, glorious "I saw it when it happened" kind of feel to it. That said, if you're like me and haven't had the chance to plunk down several hundred bucks to go see these cats take us back 25 years, then this is a big draw.
Baby Boomers who only voted Republican so they could keep their C-Class Benz and might be ripe for a guilt complex, so now it's time to hit the teenagers, college nothings, and music junkies -- most of whom already are keenly aware of the planet's woes, and most of whom can't do much about it.
cause -- which they called the Concerts for the People of Kampuchea. But most curious was the pair of strange bedfellows who organized the affair . . . Paul McCartney and Kurt Waldheim. Yep, the moptop and the Nazi. The Fab Four and the National Socialist Party. Sounds like an 80's screwball comedy in the making, right? Hilarity ensues.
Gheorghe was asked back by the Extrapolator crew to contribute to this week's Voodoo Sabermetrics post. Gheorghe happily accepted.
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