Want More Picks? Of Course You Do!

The Holidays are officially over. Some of you schlubs even went back to work today, but College Football season isn't over. Which means Danimal and me aren't done making picks. We've got two more BCS Bowls before the final BCS Championship Game and we're here to tackle them for you. It really is for you. And post count. Duh.

Alabama (-17) over Oklahoma: I've gone back and forth on this game a few times. Not because I buy Rob's theory that Bama will mail this game in ala the 2008 Sugar Bowl. This is different. 2008 was the the second year of Nick Saban's tenure in Tuscaloosa. Five years later, the Alabama program is more experienced and far more talented top to bottom than it was in 2008. Furthermore, I don't see AJ McCarron or CJ Mosely laying down in their final games in Crimson.  Still, 17 points is a pretty hefty price to pay for backing the Tide. On top of that, I don't buy Oklahoma. Neither of their QBs are very good and there is also plenty of history to suggest that the Sooners won't exactly come out guns blazing in a BCS Bowl. To be honest, the only player who's truly impactful on the Oklahoma offense is Jalen Saunders and he's a tiny slot guy. Bama wins by three TDS.

Clemson (+3) over Ohio State: I don't feel strongly about this. Neither team wows me offensively and they're both below average on defense. I'll go with Clemson for the following reasons:

1. Ohio State doesn't pass it well.
2. Ohio State might be hungover after being upset in the Big Ten Title Game.
3. Clemson has a good senior QB who is also the best QB the Buckeyes have played all season.
4. Clemson might be extra motivated for redemption after being eviscerated by West Virginia two years ago in the Orange Bowl.

That's it. That's all I've got.

DANIMAL'S MUSIC 

Over the course of many a week, Danimal has scratched and clawed his way back into this. Just behind 1 game, or would it technically be 1.5 games since I have a tie? That’s for the judges to decide. I’ll just call it 1. Do you all feel the tension? This is what you’ve been waiting for isn’t it? Admit it. To me, this is better than the games themselves.

Can someone put my 1-year old to bed please???!!!!!

The records:

D: 27 – 21 – 1

M: 28 – 21

Sugar Bowl

Alabama -17 vs Oklahoma

Seventeen points. It’s a tough one, by design.  ‘Bama could, and probably will, come in there extremely pissed off. And Oklahoma will enter with wanting to prove something. Oklahoma had a nice 10-2 season with some impressive wins. Annnnd they lost to Baylor 41-12. I’ve sat over this for some time now. Rooting for Alabama this evening is not something I prefer to do, but will.

Bama

Orange Bowl

Ohio State -3 vs Clemson

This is another one. Day-umm. It seems every radio douche nozzle is saying Clemson. “OSU cannot stop Clemson’s passing game…” is the recurring line. I can’t stand Urban Meyer, but reserve the right to change that attitude should he ever become the coach at ND. Until then though, meh.  OSU scores a lot too, 24 against Michigan State and about 5-6 touchdowns per for every other game. Urban’s coached a few big bowl games and this is where I think the difference will lay.

OSU

Worst. Sequel. Ever.

Below, I present to you the "To The Pain" Bowl Season Bonanza: Part 2. Even rob will have to agree this is worse than "The Quickening".

"To The Pain" Bowl Season Bonanza: Part 1

Mark and Danimal are back the next week to 10 days in order to wrap up their season long college pick 'em bonanza. They rightfully chose to ignore many of the bowl games that have already occurred. On to their picks...

DANIMAL

Down 2. Not much time left. My picks for today.

AdvoCare V100 Bowl! (12:30 p.m. EST)

Arizona -7 vs Boston College

What the hell is “AdvoCare” you ask? Beats the hell out of me. That’s the purpose of sponsoring a bowl game though jerky. You’ll know, hopefully, by the end of the game. Way to go AdvoCare!

Two 7-5 teams. BC with the edge in strength of schedule and wins. Plus they are 7-5 against the spread and they are just good wholesome Catholic kids, like I used to be.

Eggles!

Hyundai Sun Bowl (2:00 p.m. EST)

UCLA -7.5 vs VA Tech

Mark & I love to hate VaTech when it comes to wagering on them. WTF. There’s no way in hell he’s going to bet on the Hokies, which makes me want to grab some sack and do so. But I can’t. VaTech, capable of beating the shite out of UCLA (yes, I believe that), will more likely make loads of mistakes, turn the ball over vis-à-vis Logan Thomas, and lose by 8 points or more. VaTech is 4-7-1 ATS vs UCLA’s 8-4 too.

Bruins

Chic-fil-A Bowl (8:00 p.m. EST)

Duke +12 vs Texas A&M

Other than a couple of guys I know, there won’t be many homosexuals at this one.

Manziel’s curtain call. Duke’s first big bowl game since Moby Dick was a tadpole. Two great coaches. Did you realize that Duke went 10-3 this year? I didn’t. They can score points too when they play against shitty D’s (1 last DEES NUTS! for 2013)….and we all know A&M has one of those. Twelve points….as we say at the blackjack table... “TOO MANYYYYY!!!”

DUUUUUKE

MARK

[From the picker] Wife is at a tattoo appt and I'm running errands with the kid so just the picks for today. Ill jump into the post and add some words later.

Arizona -7 over Boston college

UCLA -7 over Va tech

A&M -12 over Duke

I'm about to go meet my wife for some post tattoo drinks to celebrate her birthday (Yes, it's today. the Birthday New Year's Eve combo is a doozy) but I figured I owed the loyal G:TB readers some thoughts behind today's picks. Basically, the first two games come down to this: The ACC sucks and the PAC-10 is pretty good. The second best conference in America this year after the SEC. And I think the ACC might be worse than the AAC (the old, fractured Big East in case you didn't know), especially once you get past Florida State. So, with the difference in conference strength being so pronounced I went PAC-10 for both of today's early games. I don't see motivation being an issue for Arizona or UCLA today either as both programs are on the rise and won't turn their collective noses up at the idea of competing in a lesser bowl game.

As for tonight, I think Duke will give A&M a pretty good run for the first half and maybe even into the third quarter. As Danimal stated, the Aggie defense is awful and Duke should be able to move the ball. I'll be watching the Duke offense with a special interest as Duke's OC Kurt Roper has been hired as the new OC at Florida effective January 1st. In the end, the A&M offense will be too much for Duke and Johnathan Football will go out in with a win (and cover) in his final game at Texas A&M.

Happy New Year! I'll be drinking soon so I'll see y'all in the comments.

Turkey Day Weekend "To The Pain" Pick' Em 'Stravaganza

DANIMAL PICKS

The last 3 weeks have been pretty good to Danimal who is 6-3 vs Mark’s 3-6, enabling the non-tattooed one to get within 2 games. (Dan is 20-18-1; Mark is 22-17).
Oooh…rivalry week! Listen, I apologize for last week’s slackishness. I will make up for it today, promise.

You want picks you greedy bastards…I’ll give ya picks!

Va Tech -13 at UVA, a.k.a. The Commonwealth Cup (3:30 p.m. EST)
The Hokies have won the last nine Cups, and 16 of the last 20 – a pretty nice stretch. This was a game I used to attend during my college and just out of college days. I remember Buckles attending one with me. My oldest sister lived there and was a season ticket holder with her assfaced husband, since divorced. Hi Keith. Dick. We ran out of beer or bourbon, or both at the tailgate. Don’t judge me, we were young and very poor. My sister’s good buddy Bill had scotch. So we drank it. Mixed it with a little water and a coupla rocks. Dewar’s if not mistaken. Buckles & I ended up crashing at Bill’s house. Bill liked to party. Hi Bill. Miss you.

Sorry, got off track there. So, Tech was a major disappointment this year. They played a great deal of uninspired football led by their super inconsistent quarterback Logan Thomas. And Frank Beamer – the man will, deservedly so, have a statue outside of their stadium at some point, but it’s time big guy. Time for you to pack up all your turkey calls and get on with your version of Duck Dynasty, kay fella?  With losses to Duke, Maryland, and Boston College, why on earth would anyone pick you while giving away nearly 2 touchdowns to UVa, a team that hates you as much as you hate them, and a game that takes place in daVille? Well, I’ll tell you why! Because the Cavaliers have one of the worst teams in big boy football. They are 2-9 overall and 0-7 in the conference, the ACC.  They don’t crack the top 100 in offense. Or Defense. WOMP WOMP! That is an unenviable position to be in going against a ginormous rival, who by the way has one of the best defenses in the country and will never ever tire of beating the Cavs. Oh, and playing in Charlottesville is about as scary as the haunted house in your kid’s kindergarten class, that is unless your entire team is allergic to the scent of chardonnay and gruyere. Lastly, you and your team NEVER play uninspired football against those douche nozzles from Vuhginia. And you won’t this time. You and your team, and your coach-in-waiting Bud Foster, the super Defensive Coordinator that he is, are going to put the smother on the Wahoos. Now go out there and get’r done, Frank. GET TA STEPPIN!
GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE! – Tech by 24

Notre Dame +14 at Stanford (7:00 p.m. EST)
I know this doesn’t quite go with Rivalry Week, but it’s the last regular season game of the year so I felt compelled to give you another Irish pick. I’m sure that makes several of you very happy, especially Zman. And TR. And Mark. And Rob. And Clarence. And that guy Whitney that used to hang out here. Yeah I know, it’ll make you happy when they lose. The likelihood of that is very good so until then carry on with your piss poor attitudes. Likelihood in this instance is defined as a 4 out of 5 chance. That’s 80% for you short on the math skeelz.

In August, I was counting this game as a definite loss. Now I think it’s a very likely loss but with possibilities. It hinges on you-know-who. Will “Touchdown Tommy” show up or “Tommy Turnover”. If the former, they keep it at least competitive and maybe even pull a shamrock out of their arses. With Stanford’s very solid running D, I’d guess that we’ll see a good # of Rees to TE Troy Niklas shorter routes. Niklas is a 6’7” TE who actually went to ND to be a lineman. And on the running side, true freshman and one of Mark’s old neighbors Tarean Folston is turning into what most predicted as one of the top 3 backs coming out of high school – bad-ass. Each week he gets more and more comfortable. He only has 347 yards on the season but 231 of those have come in November on 35 carries (6.6 yards – keep your calculator in your pocket).

On D, ND MUST get to the QB, Kevin Hogan, who by the way will have a chip on his shoulder because he wanted an offer from ND coming out of high school. The man that will be counted on to do so is future 1st rounder Stephon Tuitt. Hopefully he won’t have some bullshit targeting penalty like he had called early in the 2nd quarter against Pitt. Seriously, that was a horrific call. And Tuitt will need another true frosh to make a play or two – Jaylon Smith who like Folston, has made some big time plays over the last few weeks. Stanford is beatable – just ask USC & Utah.
Irish Cover

IRON BOWL!!!!
Bama -10.5 at Auburn! (3:30 p.m.)
A 10.5 favorite, on the road, against another Top 5 team. Hmmm.
This is going to be fun. With my #superdad feats of last weekend, guess who gets to watch college football for the better part of Saturday? (I failed to complain to GTB’rs on Sunday that I was solo w/all 3 while my wife and mother-in-law went to a “movie” that had her out of the house for 4 hours and 45 minutes, approximately) I probably shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself though – this could change at a moment’s notice. Wife now talking about getting tree and decorations up a week earlier this year for a few reasons yada yad yada. I will go into fetal position if that happens.

Let’s breakitdown!

Bama: #1 Defense. Aub: #2 Rushing Offense. Both near identical in total scoring. Auburn has two nice ball carriers, one of which is their QB Nick Marshall who averages 6.7 yards a carry. He’s their 2nd leading rusher. Tre Mason has 1100+ yards and averages 5.5 yards per carry. It’s the running QB that is going to help open things up a wee bit, that is IF he doesn’t fumble  (cautionary note for Auburn leaners – Marshall has fumbled the ball 10 times this year).
LSU manhandled Auburn – the 2 TD margin was much better than it looked. Howevah, Auburn played a shit game on the road and in terrible weather. They lost the turnover margin and botched an attempted punt deep in their own territory which translated to a quick TD. And 2 of their other 3 turnovers also led to TD’s. In looking at Bama’s win against A&M, A&M also lost the turnover battle – one of which led to a 14-point swing with a short INT in Bama’s end zone. Whoops. Something tells me Gus and his fellow coaches have been preaching the turnover thing this week, a lot.  So….here is what I am betting on – I am betting on Auburn breaking even or winning the turnover thing, and thus covering the line. IF they get to +2 on turnovers, I say they win. But like they say, if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle. And by the way, which aunt are they talking about when the say that? Very confusing.
WAR EAGLE!!!!

MARK PICKS

We're at the end of the College Football regular season already? It would appear so. Usually I'd be bummed out that we'd already reached the end of the road. However, this is one College Football season chart I'm happy to see end. I can only take watching Florida's anemic offense so much before I snap. Fortunately for you, there's a good chance I'll snap today while watching Florida State run roughshod over my alma mater on their home field. Will I watch today's game with the faintest glimmer of hope that a miracle could occur? Yes. Will I likely give up this hope by halftime and head to the gym to take out my frustrations? Absolutely. Listen, there are a number of other games worth watching today. It just so happens that Florida-Florida State isn't one of them.  Anyway, on to the picks.

Ohio State @ Michigan +17.5
Michigan has been a colossal disappointment this year. They might be the only high profile team ranked in the preseason who has an offensive line that could rival the ineptitude of Florida. On top of that, first year QB Devin Gardner has been something beyond turnover prone. Turnover friendly? Turnover loving? Whatever. He turns the ball over a ton. On the other hand, Urban Meyer is doing what he always does during his second year at a new school. He's turning his team into a killing machine. Ohio State still has some holes on defense and their passing game comes and goes but they are far and away the class of the Big Ten. I think the Buckeyes are far better than Michigan but I can't quite convince myself to lay 17.5 on the road in a historic rivalry game. Go Blue.

Duke +5.5 @ North Carolina
Duke is in the midst of it's best season in, well, nearly forever. Duke hasn't been this good since before Steve Spurrier led them to three straight bowl games in the late 80s. North Carolina would like nothing more than to knock off the Blue Devils at home and earn some redemption for themselves in a season that's been somewhat of a disappointment. The Tarheels are on a roll of late, having won their last five games and absolutely embracing Old Dominion last week in a game that featured a 10 minute fourth quarter. There's a chance that Carolina pulls the upset here but either way the game's too close to give up 5.5 points. Take the Devils.

Kansas State -17 @ Kansas
This isn't quite the first game that comes to mind when someone mentions rivalry weekend. It is, however, a rivalry. A rivalry that often means more on the basketball court? Yes. But a rivalry nonetheless. Kansas has been garbage all year. Notching just on Big 12 win in a 31-19 home win against West Virginia. And while Kansas State isn't exactly a wrecking ball, they're still very much a tough, disciplined Bill Snyder type of football team. 17 points is a lot to lay on the road in a rivalry game but I'm confident that Charlie Weis and the Jayhawks can suck enough to make it worth it. Take the Wildcats and their awful, awful mascot for the win.

To The Pain: Week Whatever

It's week 13, I think, of the college football season. Danimal and Mark are back once again to provide you with some select game previews, well, at least one of them is this week (damn u lazy this week, danimal).

DANIMAL PICKS

Down 3 to Mark. Scratchin ‘n clawin baby. Rippin ‘n tearin! (you guys remember that?)
A short one today….sorry. Where has the week gone?

Georgia Southern +28 at Florida
Sorry Mark – will go GA Southern here. If it makes you feel any better, Notre Dame will lose their game vs BYU.

Missouri -2 ½ at Mississippi
Lots of people calling an “upset” here…but I don’t think so. And besides, if a 2.5 point underdog wins at home, is it really an upset? I think not. Regardless, Missouri wins and covers.

It appears the "next Johnny Football" is benched today in favor of James Franklin

Pittsburgh +1 at Syracuse
Both teams coming off of losses and both playing for bowl eligibility. I’d be lying if I said the 2 games the Orangemen lost by 56 each, one of which was to GA Tech, wasn’t a concern. On paper, Syracuse is a better team and they tend to finish strong. Throw in home in the dome and it’s no-brainer. Syracuse

MARK PICKS

Not much prose from Danimal this week. Maybe he's mad at me because I didn't reply to that email he sent earlier this week. Hey, listen Dan. I'm busy. I was doing adult things this week. Signing papers and shit. I'll get back to you.

Meanwhile, as earlier stated, Dan is creeping up on me in the standings. And I'm pretty sure Rob is rooting against me. Whatever, dick. I need a good week so let's get right to it.

Michigan State -6.5 @ Northwestern
Michigan State's defense is among the very best in the country. They're only allowing 13.2 points per game. Sure, their offense is terrible. But it's not as terrible as it was at the beginning of the season. And with the defense scoring some too the Spartans have averaged over 37 points in their last 3 games. Northwestern once looked like a contender for the Big Ten crown but has seen their season go in the tank since at loss at home to Ohio State. The Michigan State defense will just be too tough on the road. Sparty.

Oregon -22 @ Arizona
Oregon didn't cover last week for the second week in a row. Is it time for me to jump ship with a road game against an underrated Arizona team? Does it matter that, earlier this week, some Oregon players said publicly the possibility of going to the Rose Bowl isn't all that exciting to them? I don't think so. Until last weeks loss at home to Washington State, Arizona had given up at least 31 points in it's last 8 games. Oregon's offense got untracked in the second half last week. Give me the Ducks.

Texas A&M +5 @ LSU
Kevin Sumlin is 13-3 in "revenge" games. He's also 7-0 when his opponent is coming off a loss. So Texas A&M is a sure thing in Baton Rouge, right? Not exactly. A&M is never a sure thing with that shitty defense. Luckily for the Aggies, LSU's defense isn't up to it's usual standards this year either. I expect a shootout that elicits several "How about those SEC defenses?" from annoying ACC/Big Ten/Big 12 fans. The last number I saw for the over/under was 71. Take the over and John Football. Gig 'Em Aggies.

Snoop...Tiger?

Bonus: Georgia Southern +28 at Florida
So, about last week. I really thought South Carolina was going to wipe the floor with Florida. Sorry about that. I really had no idea that Florida was going to slow it down and run a junior high school offense. Sklyer Mornhinweg threw five passes. Five! Even more shocking is that South Carolina couldn't consistently stop it. Also of note, I might be rapidly falling in love with Kelvin Taylor.

Okay, back to the game. Florida's not winning by 28 points. Not with the 3rd string QB throwing with single digit pass attempts against a triple option team. I expect roughly 100 combined rushing attempts in this game. Did I mention that this game is only available on PPV for $50? I think I'll pass. But by all means, take Georgia Southern. Make yourself some money.

Gator bloodbath

CFB Picks TTP: Week 12

Danimal's Freight Train of Awesomeness

With the Teej and his bride gallivanting across the Pacific Northwest, I've* been called upon to serve you up your weekly helping of degenerate gambling and community college-level grammatical displays. Also, Mark's picks and prose.

* - there are so many authors at this point that 'I' could pretend to be anyone. We'll let you figure out who wrote the intro.

There was some controversy during last night's exchange of picks. As I was unfamiliar with the highly disciplined kabuki dance of the TTP process, I inadvertently exposed Danimal's slate of choices to Mark. Fortunately, Mark is both a man of honor and smart enough not to pick the same games the same way as Danimal. Crisis averted, but not before a swap of creative name-calling and swearing. I believe I apologized to Danimal for 'fucking up your freight train of awesomeness'. In retrospect, I should've gone with 'derailing your fucking freight train of awesomeness'. My bad, all the way around.

Bygones, then. On to the picks:

Mark

TJ is still out on the west coast taking a trip down memory lane with Mrs. Teej. So once again it's left to me to get the latest edition of the week's College Football picks up and ready for your reading and wagering pleasure on this Saturday morning. It's a good thing I love all (well, most) of you so much. I mean it is HARD GODDAMN WORK writing these posts and making you money with my prognostications. Actually, that's not entirely true. Neither Dan, nor myself has made you much money the last couple of weeks. Sorry about that. We're going to fix it this week though. Well, I am. I can't speak for Danimal. Who knows what the fuck that guy and his 13 kids are up to.



Mississippi State @ Alabama (-23.5)
Alabama proved, once again, last week that they are a wrecking ball the likes of which few of us have ever seen in CFB. I actually thought LSU might win last week. Right up until JC Copeland fumbled as he was going in for a TD on LSU's initial possession. We all know what happened after that. Bama settled in and dominated the 2nd half on their way to a route of the Tigers. So does Bama suffer a bit of a letdown against Mississippi State this week? In a word, no. Nick Saban still remembers what happened the week after a victory against LSU last year, when Johnny Manziel came in to Tuscaloosa and shocked not just Alabama but the entire nation. You can believe that Saban harped on that all week. The Tide will be ready to play and the Bulldogs will be coming into this game without one of their two QBs (both play, and both suck). Alabama could be giving up 30 here and I'd still take them.

Utah @ Oregon (-26.5)
I'm more worried about a letdown/hangover for Oregon here than I am for Alabama. Speaking of hangovers, Greg is in town from now until the end of Thanksgiving weekend. Which means there is at least a 50% chance that I'll be unemployed when December gets here. Anyway, I think Oregon will start slow as they're still recovering from having their National Title dreams crushed by Stanford's 7 and  8 Offensive Linemen formations last Thursday but recover in time to take it to an very average Utah team (that loss has go to KILL Stanford fans, players and coaches) and cover like they seem to do nearly every week. DUCKDUCKDUCK.

Texas Tech @ Baylor (-28)
Texas Tech started the year on fire. After being picked to finish 9th out of 10 teams in the Big 12 (What?) they surprised everyone as Shlara's latest coaching crush, Kliff Kingsbury, led the Red Raiders to 7 straight wins to start the year. Since then…well things have regressed a bit. The Tech defense has gone to shit, giving up an average of 30 its/game in the last 3 games (all losses). A leaky defense isn't a good recipe when you're traveling to Waco to face Art Briles and his Magical Touchdown Tour. I'll take yet another huge favorite and lay the points. Baylor.

Don't ever say I don't look out for you, Shlara.

Bonus: Florida @ South Carolina (-12.5)
A new week and the same old story. I'm telling you. No, begging you to take the Gamecocks here. Florida sucks, that much was proven last week in a blowout loss at home to Vanderbilt. It might be hyperbole to say this is the worst season for Florida Football in my lifetime, but just barely. It's actually the worst season since 1979 when Florida went 0-10-1. Not surprisingly, Florida has more injury issues this week. Starting QB Tyler Murphy (who's actually the backup…and was the 3rd stringer last year) is likely out for the trip to Columbia. In his place, Florida will start redshirt freshman Skyler Mornhinweg who has exactly zero career pass attempts. 12.5 points isn't nearly enough to make me consider taking Florida at night in Columbia and you shouldn't either. Take all that money you bet on Vandy last week and lay it on Steve Spurrier and the Gamecocks.

Florida used to be good at offense… I swear.

Danimal's Picks

Danimal picks up 1 game on the Hughester (Editor: Don't ever call me that…) to get to 4 games back on the year. Still within striking distance but time is running out. The score: Danimal 16-16-1; Mark 20-13. With 4 weeks left of regular season CFB, I need a major trip-up by someone other than me.  Nnnnnnnoooonan! Onward & upward!

TCU +10.5 at Kansas State

KState has won its last 3 and comes into the contest at 5-4 after handling Texas Tech by 23 on the road. They are a top 40 club in rushing, defense, and scoring. Meanwhile TCU has lost 3 of its last 4 including a 3-point OT loss to WVU. For what it is worth, probably nothing, KState beat the ‘eers by 3+ touchdowns. I like their helmets too.

Kansas State

Indiana +23 at Wiscaaaansin

I just love saying that, I really do. I get to go to Wiscaaansin every year or two on bidnass. It’s good territory filled with a good people. Wholesome, hard-working, gritty & tough. Beers, braaats, and Beeadgers yeah? Fuckin a right me-an! Didja know that Allen Edmonds is in Wisconsin? Sure is…it’s directly between Mil-ay Wa-kay and the town of Kohler, right off the highway there –just look for the signs! They’ve got an outlet store attached. It’s a ritual to pop in, time permitting of course, to see what they’re giving away. And they usually are. Not literally of course but lots of stuff under $100. That’s value, people. What does this have to do with football you ask? Nothin…just trying to assist the readership should they have future travels to the region. We do dabble in travel rec’s here at GTB. Plus the likelihood of me getting this pick correct is about 50/50; my rec on the Edmonds stop – that’s just a straight up winner all day long. Oh, by the way, the Badgers are 8-0-1 Against The Spread this year. Indiana is 4-5, and 0-2 on the road.

Hoosier Daddy? The Badger is! (if unclear, I’m taking the Badgers)

Purdue +21.5 at Penn State

Purdue is not a good football team. Penn State is “ok”. Yes, I remember taking Michigan State a few weeks back and paying for it as the makers of boils covered. Well not this time my friends! With Nebraska and Wisconsin left on the schedule, Penn State knows this is their last chance for a 6-win season. I look for them to come out and beat the pants off of Purdue. (let’s stay away from the Sandusky jokes there hey guys?) You see my theme here? I’m going with the decent/above average home fave against the far inferior opponent. It’s pretty simple really.

Nittany Lions BIG

Join Dan and 'I' in the comments... (or 'me', technically)

TTP Picks: Week Ten

Danimal Picks:
Good news! Danimal went 3-0 (4-0 if you count the bonus pick!) for the first time this season. Bad news…so did Mark.
Rat bastard.
So I remain 5 games behind. Mark owns a very impressive 18 & 9 record with Danimal just getting back to .500 at 13-13-1.
I’m just gonna keep grindin.

So it’s Florida/Georgia week here in JaxVegas. For the first time in a few years I won’t be making it down to the shit show. My gut says Georgia is going to take them down but I can’t get myself to make them one of my picks this week. These two are too unpredictable and more so when they play with each other. I expect another debacle like last year, that’s what I predict.

Onto the picks!

VaTECH -4.5 at Boston College
VaTech all day long. How ‘bout some props by the way with my Duke pick last week? No love there from the GTB nation. Go back and read that. Yeah, I’m barely .500 and getting my arse kicked by the great Hughes, but that was something special. VaTech is a consistently inconsistent ball club. I expect great things from them tomorrow. Go Gobblers. (making loud turkey call right now)

Michigan +4.5 at Michigan State
Well something is going to have to give here. Michigan State has the nation’s 3rd best defense and Michigan is a top 10 scoring squad. Squad is a funny word. Say it a few times. Michigan heads into Lansing with a 6-1 record and #21 in the America. MSU is 7-1 and #22 in the America. HUUUGE rivalry game. Gonna be tight. Tighter than 4 & a hook people. I gotta take the points and the Wolverines.

Wake +3.5 at Syracuuuuse
Ya’ll probably didn’t know I grew up a HUGE ‘cuse fan. That’s right. If you recall from a recent comment, I was born in the shithole that is currently Oneida, NY, home of the silverware maker and not much else. Oneida is oh about 30 minutes from Syracuse. Big daddy and I went to plenty of games in the dome, in fact I was at not the very first game at the dome but the 2nd or third, football that is. I used to watch Orange hoops in the days of Leo Rautin and Roosevelt Bouie. I loved all things Syracuse. I simply offer this for the readership’s benefit. I like to let you in a little closer, to get to know the real “me.” As I write this, the line is SU -4.5. I made this bet on Tuesday with SU giving 3.5. (am happy to provide a screen shot to the rules committee) This is a matchup between two teams that play dog doo doo football. They just stink. Both of them. Syracuse had last week off after getting shellacked 56-0 by the Techsters from Georgia. Wakes comes off a disheartening loss to Miami, a game they had in their grasp. Based on those two pieces of data, you’d think Wake right? Well that is not to be. Syracuse wins & covers.
‘Cuse is in the house omygodomygod!



(from Mark: Added the video...because I love this song)

Mark Picks:

Nice bounce back from Danimal and myself last week. By my calculations, if you had bet all six of our picks last week you'd be able to buy your own small caribbean island today. I'm not 100% sure on that though. Math was never my strong suit.

Virginia Tech -4.5 @ Boston College
Nice pick on the Duke upset of the Hokies last week by Danimal. I have to admit I didn't see that coming. Duke covering? Sure. But an outright win? That's some impressive clairvoyance.  I hate betting on Logan Thomas since he's, ya know, not good and all but this strikes me as a get well game for Frank Beamer and his weird plastic neck. Virginia Tech's D is stout and their special teams are good as usual (I'm required to tell you here that Beamer coaches the Special Teams. No, really.). Boston College on the other hand is down this year as they rebuild under the watchful mustache of Steve Addazzio. I'll lay the 4.5 and take the Hokies.

Tennessee @ Missouri -11
Tennessee is pretty solid at home. As evidenced by my 0-2 record picking against them in Neyland Stadium. They are a far different team on the road however. To make things worse, they'll be starting true freshman Josh Dobbs at QB this weekend in Columbia. Missouri isn't exactly an intimidating environment for opposing teams. Their stadium is decidedly un-SEC like but their D-Line is definitely SEC worthy. Their is certainly some fear of a hangover for the Tigers after their heartbreaking loss to South Carolina last weekend but I think Gary Pinkel can get his guys back up for this game. After all, Missouri still controls the SEC East and a trio to Atlanta for the SEC Championship game. The Tigers start slow but pull away late and win by two TDs. Mizzou.

Kansas @ Texas -28
I have to be honest, I really struggled to pick a third game this week. I was leaning toward to taking Oregon State at home over USC before I got cold feet after seeing Marquise Lee was active for the Trojans. So here we are at Kansas-Texas. Texas has quietly put their season back together since trouncing Oklahoma in Dallas a few weeks back. Meanwhile, Kansas is as bad a football team as you'll find in a BCS conference. This is the opposite of riding a juggernaut like Oregon or Alabama. I'm essentially betting on how shitty Kansas is. Chin up Jayhawk fans, basketball season is nearly upon us. Hook 'Em Horns.

Bonus: Georgia -3 vs. Florida (Jacksonville)
The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party has lost a bit of luster since August. At the time it looked like a possible matchup of two top 10 teams with designs on SEC and BCS Championships. Since then, these two teams have suffered a rash of injuries unlike anything I've ever witnessed as a CFB fan. Neither of these teams are going to accomplish their goals for the season and, at this point, probably just hope to finish strong enough to gain a bid to a semi-decent bowl game (read: Not one in Shreveport). As far as injuries go, Florida lost starting LT DJ Humphries this week with a sprained left MCL. Obviously this is bad news. Florida's OLine was already the worst unit on the team before the injury to Humphries. Now? Shit, I wonder if the can even give Tyler Murphy enough time to complete a three step drop. Conversely, Georgia is getting back it's best player, Todd Gurley, for today's game. Gurley's been out since the South Carolina game in September but when he's healthy he's among the best players in the country. I don't think Florida can come close to scoring enough points to hang with Aaron Murray, Gurley and the rest of the Bulldog offense. I'd advise you to take Georgia.

"To The Pain" Pick 'Em: Nine Times

Danimal Picks

It’s unfortunate not to have taken advantage of Mark’s 1-2 wkd last week. It hurt the big Russian. Time is running out. I need a 3-0 against a goose egg. Help me out Mark.

Baylor -34.5 at Kansas
Is Charlie Cheeseburger still down there in Lawrence? I thought so. A rarity it is to side with the team giving soooo maneeee points on the road. Why so? Because for the first weekend of the season, I am letting myself be influenced by other betting sources. I have not done so up until this point and you can see where it’s gotten me. For this game, I do so. It’s as simple as that. I did & do like Baylor despite the lay down. The other sources cemented it for me. And then I looked at what Kansas has done up to this point. Don’t bother. It’s bad. Hey, Baylor. Let’s go.

Fresno State -8.5 at San Deee-Aago State
It hasn’t fared well for me, picking the home doggy. But I must stick with it. I will stick with it. I haven’t seen one play from either of these two teams. They play really late at night, like…after 10 pm. Danimal’s usually spooning with his sweet bride by that time, sometimes consciously and sometimes not, but that’s another story. As an aside, when I think Aztec I think Walter White. Fresno State likes to score points. They also have a tendency to keep games close. This is a rivalry game, with the Bulldogs coming into the Adobe undefeated and most certainly in front of a raucous crowd. Bulldogs don’t like raucousness. Or Adobes. Aztecs will protect their Adobe.

Duke +13.5 at VaTech
Every single person is picking Missouri this week over the Caaacks. That was my other possible bet here. But no. I will go my own way here.
This is one of those classic VT games they should win handily but won’t. They may even puke all over themselves and lose it. Duke’s not bad…5-2 albeit with nothing too impressive under the Win column. This is a big game for them, almost huge. And the Hokies have next week’s game against Miami on their mind. And it’s time for Logan Thomas to revert back to his old ways after several straight solid performances. And this is just what the Hokies do, struggle when they shouldn’t.
And so I pick…..DUKE

Your bonus pick of the wkd the San Francisco 49’rs….it doesn’t matter what the line is. Cheery-o!

Mark Picks

I reached a new low, or new high depending on your point of view, on Thursday night. I knew the Bucs were going to get trounced by the Panthers and was looking for a parlay. I didn't like Mississippi State and their high school offense -12 over Kentucky. But, but I was intrigued by the possibility of St. Louis and Michael Wacha at +1.5 runs in Game 2 in Fenway. And what do you know? It worked. For now. I understand that this is the beginning of the end. I bet on a baseball game. I hope you'll all stop to give me you pocket change when I'm destitute and living under a highway overpass.

Baylor -34.5 at Kansas
Remember when we all thought Charlie Weis was a good football coach? I'm sure Danimal loved him at one point. Hell, I was actually excited when Will Muschamp lured him to Gainesville fresh off of a season commanding a dynamic Kansas City Cheifs offense. That excitement, like most of Charlie's attempts at dieting, quickly waned. Charlie Weis is not a good football coach. And he's certainly not the  offensive genius he was once hailed to be. Art Briles, now that guy has a schematic advantage. BAYLOR.

Louisville -20.5 at South Florida
UCF ruined Lousiville's season. Truthfully, Lousiville wasn't going to make the BCS Title game. Their schedule was too bad and the program doesn't have the national cache to overcome that. However, they could've gone undefeated, made a second consecutive BCS game and then bitched endlessly that they were snubbed. Well, that's all gone now too. That tends to happen when you blow a three touchdown lead to a directional school at home on Friday night. Now, we may end up with the Golden Knights of UCF and alcoholic George O'Leary in a BCS game. Meanwhile, I'm just hoping Florida gets bowl eligible at this point. Tis been a strange season. Did I ever mention that UCF was my other choice when I was deciding where to transfer to for my junior year? Well, it was. Thank Spurrier things worked out the way they did. UCF fucking blows. Anyway, this isn't Jim Leavitt's South Florida. They suck out loud and Lousiville's going to take out all their season ruined anger on the Bulls tonight. CARDINALS.

UCLA at Oregon (-24)
Oregon didn't cover for the first time all season last week. Much of that had to do with a slew of first half turnovers. The rest you can blame on Washington State keeping in their starters and throwing 89 passes during the game. 89 is a lot of fucking passes. Speaking of a lot, that's a lot of points to give up to a team that was undefeated before losing at Stanford last week. I'm a little worried about it. But I'm going to ride Oregon here. They get D'Anthony Thomas back from an ankle injury and they get the Bruins in Eugene for a night game. Oregon wears down UCLA and pulls away late.  Take the Ducks...but don't celebrate by snorting blow in your car later.

(This one's for you, Shlara. It's the least I could do after you rooted for the Gators against LSU)

Eight is Enough: To The Pain Picks Continue

(TR Interlude (Introlude?): No Eight is Enough Reference Can Be Made Without a Photo of Willie Aames and his hair.  I've fist-fought over this belief in the past and will do so again on a moment's notice. The picks can be a "Page Down" click away. I don't care. And fantastically enough, a Willie Aames label has already been used on this blog.  Good job, guys.)

Danimal Picks

It only took 7 weeks but Danimal finally did it…He beat Mark! Bad News (Hughes), Danimal is still 5 games back on the year. Is this where he REALLY makes his move?

FSU -3 at Clemson
Ummm…yeah, I don’t think so. FSU walloped Maryland last week 63-0. Is that what this line is based on? Of course it isn’t. The makers of lines, lines makers if you will, are way smarter than that. They must know something we mortals don’t to have the Seminoles favored by 3 going into the stadium otherwise known as Death Valley occupied by a Clemson team that is undefeated AND who have undeniably had a tougher road to 6-0. Clemson played poorly last week against a totally (dude) inferior BC team. So what. Who cares? Show me a team that has yet to play a bad game and I’ll show you Oregon. But that’s it. Clemson should be will be is was highly annoyed with the dis. Eff them say the Tigers and Hear us ROAR! Go Tigers!

Texas Tech -5 at WVU
Oh boy. Am I going against my pal’s wishes who implored me to “stay away from the Mounties” after beating a then top-10 ranked Oklahoma State in week 4? You bet your sweet ass I am. You know who I’m talkin’ to. There are a couple of key reasons I’m going with the TeeTees here…1) they’re the TeeTees; 2) they have 3rd best passing offense in the America, fuck yeah; 3) 14th in Scoring; 4) 15th in overall defense; and 5) the opening line on this game was TT -9.5. I feel this is a bargain I just cannot pass up people. Oh, and 6) I told you I only had a “couple” of reasons but I spewed out 5! Show me the TEETEEES!!!!

Purdue +27 at Mich St
Betting for such a shite team is never, ever a good idea unless they’re trending upward in some shape or form. And trending upward Purdue is not. Buuuut, 27 seems a tad bit on the high side for me. Michigan State isn’t exactly a powerhouse. They scored 55 against Youngstown St & 42 against the Hoosyourdaddies? Other than that it’s been pretty ho-hum. But then I look at Purdue’s accomplishments. They are absolutely terrible. I’m embarrassed for the Irish by only beating them by 7. That my friends, is a terrible joke. I honestly came in here with intent of betting on PeeeYOU! but that says it all.
Here we go Sparty Here we go!

Mark's Picks

I'm coming off two straight losing weeks here at Gheorghe: The Blog (I broke even last week thanks to a late decision to take Boise State after I realized Utah State QB Chuckie Keeton was out for the year. Yay for degenerate gambler type knowledge!) and Danimal is starting to creep on me. I'm going to blame last week on the distraction of my Baton Rouge/New Orleans trip which may or may not have resulted in me quickly making my picks while stoned and waiting for my plane in the beautiful Melbourne airport. This week though I'm stuck at home while my wife parties in Mexico at a Jewish Wedding. That's right, two Jews getting married in Mexico. The 21st Century is awesome, y'all.

Washington State @ Oregon (-39.5)
I fucked up last week. After riding Oregon regardless of the point spread all year I got spooked by Washington's performance against Stanford and chose not to give the 14 points to the Huskies. As you all know by now, I'm dumb. As we learned from Stanford's loss to Utah, the Stanford-Washington game was more about Stanford than Washington, though the Huskies are still strong to quite strong. Anywho, I'm sorry Oregon. I'm sorry I didn't believe in you. Please take me back. I'll never hurt you and your ridiculous uniforms again. DUCKS.

(Note: A video of Tim Meadows as Ike Turner was supposed to be in this spot but NBC thinks we don't deserve that. Why do you want to hurt us, NBC?)

South Carolina (-7.5) @ Tennessee
The Volunteers have tripped me up once already this season but that was more about Georgia's offensive injuries than Tennesee being any good. South Carolina hammered Arkansas last weekend and I think they've started to find their legs after a September filled with some weird out of conference games, trumped up controversies and QB injuries.  The Gamecocks are just too talented for Tennessee. South Carolina pulls away in the second half and wins by two TDs.

Arkansas @ Alabama (-29)
Despite being a CFB dynasty, it's risky laying a lot of points with Alabama. Their style of play often lends to easy wins that don't cover the massive point spreads set by Vegas. I'd imagine that is what many people think when they see this line. Not me. This is the most explosive Alabama offense that Nick Saban's ever had in Tuscaloosa and Arkansas has been exposed the past two weeks. After looking semi-competent early in the year, the Razorbacks have fallen apart against two good SEC defenses in Florida and South Carolina. Arkansas has scored 17 points combined against those two teams and they rank 113th in the nation in passing. You're not going to rush for a ton of yards against a Nick Saban coached Alabama team. Like, ever. This is going to get ugly. Roll Tide. Speaking of the Tide. Have you met Phyllis? She seems lovely.

"To The Pain" Pick 'Em: Lucky 7s

We have made it to Week 7 of the gambling battle royale between Danimal and Mark...

Whoops, wrong 7...

Danimal Picks

BC +24.5 vs Clemson
Mark is to Oregon as Dan is to Clemson…not always on GTB but almost always somewhere.
Clemson

UF +7 vs LSU
Tyler Murphy! in his 3rd start, his first against a competitive unit and in a teeny bit scary of a place when you’re the away team. This week, Bat-oh! Rouge gets the best of ‘em...

LSU TX +14 vs OKLA
Longhorns are going to come and play for Mack. Oklahoma is pretty decent, but not much more than that. Rivalry game with a team’s back against the wall.
Hook’em Horns, and don’t be surprised by an upset here.

Regarding Broncos/Jags
I’ll bite at 28. (it is as 26.5 Tuesday afternoon) I obviously don’t mind taking the dog. For every reason there is to bet on the Jags there are 3-4 to go w/the Broncos. Newly added to the list is the season-ending injury to the Jags first pick in the draft, Left Tackle Luke Joeckel. That’s okay. He was only the 2nd or 3rd best player. Oh, and Gabbert is out again this week too which doesn’t hurt us unless you count scoring more points a bad thing. Any supporters of Gabbert that existed prior to last week have officially disappeared. He is friendless in Jacksonville with exception to 13 & 14 year old Bieber fans. See ya Blaine.

The reasons to take the Jags:
1) Denver’s D – obviously somewhat porous. DFL in Passing D with Dallas having the 31st. (jags are 10th) Though they haven’t gone up against Jaguar nation yet, led by oh fuck it never mind. Jax may be able to squirt out 2+ TD’s and a Figgie or 2. Justin Blackmon is back in the line-up and Cecil Shorts is turning out to be pretty solid – call it 17-20 and maybe more! pts…; that puts Denver at 45. They scored 51 in the world’s greatest shootout last week. Denver had 9 scoring drives (NINE TIMES). Average time per scoring drive was under about 3 ½ minutes; Dallas had 8 scoring drives with an average TOP of under 2.5 minutes. That’s getting after it. A few first downs, a few forced punts….it COULD be close.
2) This should get a laugh, but Jacksonville is improving and they give a shit.
3) If Denver gets up by 4-5 TD’s with a qtr left….will they keep their starters in? Hope not.
That’s about all I got for “reasons you MIGHT possibly consider betting on the Jaguars”.

Mark Picks

I had a losing record last week for the first time this year. Is this the beginning of my regression to the mean? Probably. Or was it just an unlucky week for me as half of Georgia's team went down to injury and Stanford was particularly anemic offensively for the first time all year? That's what I'm telling myself.

Either way, the next two week of college football are about as good as it gets in the regular season. Two Saturdays packed with intraconference top 25 match ups. I'm excited. How about you? Actually, I don't really care about you. I'm about to get on a plan to New Orleans. It's all about me right now. Anywho, onto the picks.

Oklahoma (-14.5) vs. Texas
Bob Stoops has dominated Mack Brown in the Red River Rivalry. Even when Texas was good, which they definitely aren't this season. Just last week they needed some generous (or crooked) officiating to escape a loss, and probably ousting of Brown, to Iowa State. Meanwhile, after losing the QB battle in fall camp Blake Bell has been terrific since becoming the starting QB due to the injury to Trevor Knight. Bell is still pretty raw as a passer but he's got a big arm and he's a load to stop with the ball in his hands. On top of that, Texas has struggled with running QBs this season (see: BYU and Ole Miss). Barry Switzer will be hammered by 2:30 EST and the Sooners win.

(Note: Did you know that Blake Bell doesn't pronounce his name in the traditional manner? It's true.)

Alabama (-27) @ Kentucky
This is not the Alabama team of the past two years. The offensive line has been inconsistent which has affected AJ McCarron's ability to take advantage of a talented group of WRs. More importantly, the defense isn't dominant and now it's without one of it's top two players in Saftery Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix (Orlando stand up!). So why am I laying 27 points on the road? Because Kentucky is awful. It's also nearly basketball season so I expect even fewer Wildcat fans than normal to attend this game. They'll be too busy putting money in FedEx envelopes for guys like Julius Randle and the Harrison twins to care about their football team getting dump trucked. Take the Tide.

Northwestern (+10) @ Wisconsin
Northwestern put forth a valiant effort against Ohio State last week. Right up until the Buckeyes blocked a punt for a TD I thought that the Wildcats (Seriously, stop with the Wildcats nickname. Enough.) would win. The concern in this game is Northwestern being let down after the biggest home game in the program's history and not being able to recover in time for a trip to Madison. Two reasons why I think that won't happen here: (1) Northwestern is 0-1 in the Big Ten and have to win here if they want a shot at a rematch with Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship game and (2) I think Pat Fitzgerald is one of the best coaches in CFB. He'll have his guys focused and ready to go. Take the points and Northwestern's smart kids.

Bonus: You'll notice there is no Oregon or Stanford picks this week for the first time all season. While I think Oregon wins, Washington's performance against Stanford has me concerned enough to be weary of giving up 14 on the road to the Huskies. HOWEVA, the O/U is 76 for Oregon-Washington. That's a ton of points but both these teams average over 80 plays a game. So, despite my reticence to bet totals I'm telling you to take the over.

TTP Week Six: City Under Siege

Mark was a rockstar and posted this earlier today before his Dad of the Year trip to some bullshit volleyball tourney. I planned to get bombed at a local Oktoberfest, but instead we helped our friend find a new apartment. And then I got bombed at a Mexican joint. I'm a multicultural drunk. Please enjoy the picks below, though seriously, do not ever bet the way Danimal chooses.

Danimal Picks

Danimal on the wrong end of  an ass-kicking contest. No worries…lots of time left. And the law of averages MUST begin to work in my favor soon, no? It’s 6-8-1 verses 12-3. I do hope Mark has wagered dollars in his picks. Maybe he’ll buy me that bloody mary come season end.

I would love to bet that Tennessee/GA game (and probably will but not here) but the fact of the matter is I’m in agreement w/Mark. 10.5 points to the VOLS just seems cray cray.

Maryland +16 vs Florida State: Gotta take MD and the points, right? Two tough D’s…Maryland trying to act all tough and stuff like they could win this thing. It’s certainly possible but am guessing a 35-21 FSU Victory…. Fear the Turtle

ND +5.5 vs ASU (cowboy stadium): Getting 5.5 points here on the ground floor, or top floor rather, b/c I just think this will move down. Maybe I’m wrong. I’d imagine that none of you saw the game last week against Oklahoma. It was actually pretty well played by the Irish once they moved past the first 3 minutes of the game where they went down 14-0 after 2 quick INT’s by my boy, Turnover Tommy. In his defense, they really weren’t his fault. He did go on and throw another, and the Sooners capitalized by scoring a TD off of that one also. Dagger. I’m still with the Irish. Let’s get it done.

OR -38 vs COLO: Colorado. Just hoping to win a head-to-header….it’s the 2nd half and I’m way down.

Mark Picks

So it's week 6 and things are working out great for me so far. Im sure that means this is where the wheels start to fall off and I start betting recklessly on additional games late in the day to make up for my losses here at G:TB. I'd like to say I'm smarter than that but you've all known me (in a weird internet sort of way) for too long. You all know better. I'm not very smart. I am bald though so I got that going for me.

Oregon (-38) at Colorado: I miss Colorado being good. Remember when Ralphie used to coming roaring down from the hill with 6-10 petrified Colorado students attempting to guide him while also praying to god that he wouldn't go ape shit and gore them to death? Yeah, those were the good old days. And by good old days, I mean back when Bill McCartney ran the program, actively recruited gang members from Southern California and had his daughter knocked up by one of his own players. Now, Ralphie's stoned out of his mind, McCartney is attending Promise Keeper rallies and Colorado gets waxed on a regular basis. Oh well, nothing lasts forever. I might as well make some money. DUCKS.

Georgia (-10.5) @ Tennessee: I dont understand this line. Georgia just beat LSU in a shootout and has proven it is one of the SEC's best team even with a very average defense. Tennessee on the other hand just had to squeak out a victory at home over South Alabama. I feel like I'm missing something (this is where Twitter makes the "Mark Richt has lost control of the spread for this game" joke). Or maybe Vegas just doesn't give a fuck this week. I'm not going to over analyze this and talk myself out of the bet. I'm just going with the Dawgs. Oh yeah, last week Clarence expressed surprise that I would bet on Georgia. Here's how I feel about betting on team's that I dislike:



Washington @ Stanford (-8): Washington is better than they're currently getting credit for in the polls. They deserve to be ranked higher than 15. The problem for them is that they have to go to Stanford this week to play one of the five best teams in the country. Stanford is just as physical on both sides of the ball as they've been the past few years. They also happen to be far more explosive offensively than they've been during that time frame. I'm not sure how ESPN managed to get Oregon-Stanford as a Thursday night game (11/7) this year but I feel secure in saying that it will be the highest profile Thursday Night CFB game in the history of ever. Like ever, ever. You heard it, er, read it here first. I'm taking Stanford once again. You might say my picks are boring. I say my picks are profitable.

"To The Pain" CFB Picks: What Week Is This?

I have returned from Vegas just in time to post this. Hooray me.

Mark's Picks

After a truly miserable slate of games last week, we're treated a really nice day of intra-conference battles. Most of the best games, outside of LSU-Georgia, take place in the evening so rest up, get a good base and be prepared to stay up later than you should with Danimal and I.

California @ Oregon (-36): I've been riding Oregon throughout their non-conference schedule and I'm not about to stop just because the PAC-12 schedule has begun. California may be the worst team in the entire conference this year. At least they look like it so far. I don't expect a trip to Autzen Stadium to change that. These lines continue to be huge for the Ducks but if any offense can handle it, it's this one. I'm sure taking Oregon every week will come back to bite me at some point but it won't be this week. Ducks win! A woo-ooh! 

Stanford (-9) @ Washington State: Stanford may not be as flashy or as explosive as Oregon but they're nearly as good and certainly a tough enough team to handle a neutral site game in Seattle against Wazzu. I was surprised that this line wasn't double digits but Washington State looks to be much improved this year…on defense. I know, you and I are just as surprised as Mike Leach. His offense is still mediocre but his defense has carried the day so far. Beating USC and hanging with Auburn in a tight game on the plains. I think the Cougars will make this a game for the first half before they eventually wear down, as most teams do agains the physical, relentless attack of the Cardinal. Stanford wins by two touchdowns.

Wisconsin @ Ohio State (-6): While everyone has been busy talking about how shitty Louisville's schedule is, and it definitely is. Ohio State doesn't exactly have a gauntlet of top tier opponents awaiting them either. After this game the Buckeyes may not face another top 25 team until the final game of the year against Michigan. And there's no guarantee the Wolverines will be in the top 25 after two marrow escapes against Toledo and UConn. I don't believe Ohio State is a top 5 team in the country but they're easily the best team in the Big Ten. Wisconsin was screwed by the PAC-12 officials at the end of their game against Arizona State but that doesn't change the fact that they were losing to the Sun Devils late. If Wisconsin can't win in Tempe, I don't see them making Ohio State sweat in Columbus. Buckeyes.

Danimal Picks

The GTB pick’em contest has Mark leading 9-3 vs Danimal’s 6-6. You’d think 3 straight weeks of going 2-1 would allow Danimal to pick up a game or two, but not to be.

Oklahoma -3.5 at ND: Home dogs are the Irish. The Sooners are coming to town with the “Belldozer”, Blake Bell starting at QB. Blake was the first person to score a TD on the Irish last year eight games into the season. He’s a bruiser of a QB at 6’6” and 260 pounds. OKLA had a bye week this past Saturday. The week before they played Tulsa where the Blakester threw for 400+ yards and 4 TD’s. (“Well look at the big brains on Blake!”) Not bad. The Irish are, well, the Irish. I liken them to Mark’s boy Aaron Murray, the Game Manager. That’s what Brian Kelly and his team are - they are game managers. They’ve improved significantly on the defensive side of the ball, allowing on average over 400 yards in weeks 1 & 2 against Temple & Michigan and 275 yards against Purdue & Michigan State respectively. BK has managed the QB formerly known as Tommy Turnover with just the right amount of caution. They lack the catalysts on offense this year, at least in the backfield to wow anyone. After last week’s nice showing by Corey Robinson, true frosh WR and son of the David Robinson, ND enters with some really nice depth among the receiving corp. No real standouts but I think just enough solidity to keep it competitive. I don’t know who the eff wins this game but I think it will be tiiieeeet, 2-3 points either way.
Oh Danny Boy….the pipes the pipes are calling you…..GO IRISH!

USC +6 at ASU: Love me some Tempe, especially after last week’s post. Guilty as charged, this is one of those “feel it” picks, filled with laziness and ambivalence, UNTIL I looked into a tad bit further and hey, whaddayaknow, the data substantiates the gut…kinda. If you watched much of the Sun Devils game against Stanford last week, you know the 42-28 final score was not as close as the final tally. That’s not a poke at ASU, Stanford is the real deal. I’m just saying that what looks like a respectable finish on paper was in reality, very close to a bona fide blowout. The dillio is as follows….USC’s passing game is hurrible, averaging just under one hundred and 69 yards per contest. The good news is their opponents average just over that number, at 171. The TROJANS, (as an aside...when I see “TROJANS” I always think of the time in high school when my father comes into the house to tell me he found my “doo-dads” in the car, of course referring to the box of condoms, unopened TROJANS, that me and I think all males that weren’t having sex had in their possession to show that the we were having sex even though we actually weren’t, but it was really horrifying and embarrassing b/c my dad who is a super dude and I just didn’t have that sort of bond ya know…ugh, it makes me cringe thinking about it today) have 4 guys, 3 really, that run the ball with any regularity, all with a greater than 5 yard average per carry. They also have too many turnovers, 8 in fact, but something tells me they’re going to clean that up this week. I’m 1-0 with Laney’s Lackey’s….and I think he/they are so desperate to salvage things in SoCal this year that they are further going to straighten their shit out and who knows, maybe even get a V this week. Ya smell it? Smells like….Victory. DOO-DADS!

soooooo haaard…..this last pick is just really really tough. I don’t know who to choose from. I’ll put myself out there – probably will only “bet” a few of these but it’s who I like…
Miami (OH) +24.5 vs ILL
WI +7 vs Ohio State tempted to take CAL vs the Ducks cuz that’s A LOT of points plus Mark is sure to take the Ducks…maybe next week we’ll have another head-to-head.
LSU +3 vs GA….and the pick goes to…..

WISCAAAANSIN getting 7 against the 2nd biggest douche bag in college football, Urban Meyer. Urban gets taken down, taken down to China Town tomorrow. This is an emotional pick, so what. I want to root harder than normal against the Buckeyes. Plus I love saying WISCAAAANSIN! Buck’ schedule to date must be the weakest amongst D1 schools in the world. It’s pathetic. Fuck the Bucks. Go Beeeadgers!

Part I: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

I spent the first 36 years of my life operating under the assumption that I would never have children. I don't like spending time with kids very much and they seem to be a massive financial loss center. My general lack of parental role models coupled with my miserable shrew of a first wife made me feel like I would be doing our offspring a disservice by trying to raise him or her.

But then I met zwoman and realized that being married with children could be a good thing, and it turns out this was the best thing I ever did. I am happier than I've ever been and I love my son beyond words. Indeed, I cannot find the words to explain why I still love him so much (or why I even allow him to continue to live in my house) after the events of last Saturday.

zson enjoys climbing and jumping all over me and I enjoy the roughhousing almost as much as he does. He's only 2 1/2 though, so his toes are very small and the bones inside them are sharp and pointy, with not a lot of meat surrounding them. That is to say, it hurts when he pokes you with his toes.

zson was doing one of his favorite maneuvers: while I sit in our recliner with my feet on the ottoman, he walks across my legs and jumps from my knees into my body. We've done this many times with nary an injury. Until last Saturday. As he had done countlessly, zson walked onto my knees and leapt forward like Jimmy Snuka.

Notice how Snuka's left foot is cocked back? That's exactly how zson flew at me. As all 40 pounds of him flopped onto my chest, he whipped his shoeless foot straight down, impaling his pointy little toes flush into the shaft of zpenis. To say that I experienced pain is to say that the Grand Canyon is a big hole. It was not unlike this. I folded up like a jackknife. I saw stars. My mouth snapped open but no sound could come out. zwoman's hand immediately shot to her mouth. zson laughed and rolled off me so that he could do it again.

The pain subsided relatively quickly. About 30 minutes later I felt no lingering effects from the affront to my schwantz, and I went into the bathroom to pee. I let loose the Kraken and it showed no ill effects from the blow it suffered. I pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the bowl, and let pee fly. For a second nothing happened; what happened next will haunt me forever. A large, shiny, burgundy mass shot out of my dick, much like John Hurt's famous "chester" scene in "Aliens" ... with my dick playing the role of Hurt's chest.



The blob looked like a cross between that little alien's head and a squashed grape. It hit the inside of the bowl with an audible "splat" and was followed by a contrail of what looked like fruit punch. But it was not fruit punch. It was blood-soaked urine. I finished before these events could register in my mind, wiped the fruit punch off of the rim, and flushed the alien baby down.

Once I realized what had happened I staggered into the family room and took to my iPad. I entered "blood clot in urine" and what I read sent me into a cold sweat and a Tony Soprano-esque panic attack. Kidney failure. Bladder cancer. Urinary tract infection. Kidney stones. Prostate cancer.

I relayed my fears to zwoman and because she is the most wonderful woman in the world she calmly noted, "Well, you did just get kicked in the dick ... really hard." She suggested I go to an urgent care facility. I peed fruit punch again (but no alien baby blood clots) so I went. In a long discussion with the doctor, I realized that I just had a physical for life insurance a few months earlier and that my application was approved, so I can't have all of the diseases I feared. The doctor (who was a lady and kindly did not make me whip it out for examination, but did ask for a sample of my fruit punch) said "You have a lot of blood in your urine but I think your son hit you just right and broke a capillary or two." Just right indeed.

I went home with my fears allayed. The next time I peed it was much less fruit punchy. And then the time after that produced a yellow bowl with just a few maroon streaks. Because I'm an idiot my immediate reaction was "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!"

Stay tuned for Part II coming tomorrow: my legal justification for changing the Washington Redskins' name to the Washington Hematuria!