And There Was Much Rejoicing

ALL HAIL THE PASSING OF THE TORCH

 FROM A PILE OF EXCREMENT TO... 

WHO CARES

We fans of the burgundy and gold can all breathe again. 

Bye Dan, you vile, worthless waste of space.

Gheorghe Explains the Election: Trump's VP Pick

It's a foregone conclusion that Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee come November. This is surprising at first blush, but not so much when you look at his closest competitors.



Also surprising at first blush was Chris Christie's decision to endorse Trump. Shortly before he dropped out of the race, Christie used the Marls voice to mockingly impersonate Trump.



Pundits have posited that Christie made this move with the hopes of getting the vice presidential nod. I don't see that happening.

Picking a vice president is difficult. For example, about 25 years ago a man named Bush was running for president as a Republican. At the time the GOP was perceived as being less than welcoming to minorities, so he apparently considered making Colin Powell his veep. Chris Rock explained why he didn't--someone would try to kill Bush so that Powell would be the first black president. So instead he went with Dan Quayle, probably because no one on earth would kill Bush to put Quayle in the big seat. Parenthetically, despite being a remarkably reasonable pick for president, Bush lost to someone named Clinton largely because an upstart billionaire lunatic with no elected experience decided to make a self-funded run for the presidency. It was a completely different world back then.

Although Christie isn't wildly popular, most rational people would prefer a President Christie over a President Trump. So if Christie got the veep nod, then politicians from both sides of the aisle would do anything they could to impeach The Donald. Trump knows this (he's running his campaign on some next-level reality TV competition three-steps-ahead shit) so his VP pick will be even less appealing than he is, but will still bring in some extra votes that Trump doesn't already have. Who might that be?

1. Sarah Palin

She already endorsed Trump and will help get some of the Cruz/Tea Party/maniac vote that Trump doesn't already have. She has that whole mavericky outsider thing going on and could theoretically help remediate Trump's image with women. No one would do anything to kill or depose Trump so that Palin could move up--that's a frying-pan-to-fire situation. Her downside is that she already destroyed a GOP nominee's campaign.

2. David Duke

No one will kill Trump to put Duke in charge. A Trump/Duke ticket would lock up 99.999% of the racist/xenophobe vote, practically guaranteeing that most if not all of Cruz's and Rubio's anti-immigrant base will vote Trump. A Trump/Duke ticket would also repulse all of the non-white vote, as well as all voters with humanity and conscience. Seems like a longshot but then again, nothing makes sense this election cycle.

3. Arnold Schwarzanegger

This isn't an outlandish choice. He ran two successful campaigns as a liberal-ish Republican in a blue state. He governed one of the largest economies in the world. He might be an even bigger celebrity than Trump and he has a devoted following of fans that will bring in votes. Having Schwarzanegger on the ticket might help rational conservatives reconcile the reasonableness of an otherwise unreasonable vote for Trump.

Arnold cannot be president because he was born in Austria so if Trump is out then Paul Ryan would be the Prez. This might seem to cut against Arnold (Geoff would try to snuff Trump in an instant in this scenario), but when you think more it makes total sense. If someone were going to try to assassinate the president, wouldn't you want The Terminator there to protect him? They made like three or four movies on this exact topic where he successfully repelled time-traveling liquid metal monsters to save Edward Furlong! He's perfectly fit to shield The Donald. Sure, some of the more ignorant racist voters would look at the last five letters of Schwarzanegger's name and refuse to vote for him, but how many ignorant racists who are unfamiliar with the Governator can there be?

4. Jim Dolan/Fred Wilpon/Dan Snyder/Donald Sterling

A repugnant inexperienced billionaire president could protect his job by backing himself up with an even more repugnant and inexperienced billionaire vice president. Dolan, Wilpon, Snyder and Sterling have solid track records of atrocious spending and terrible management/decision-making. No one wants them in charge of something as irrelevant as a sports franchise let alone the country. But any one of these four mopes would bring in a lot of votes, perhaps counter-intuitively. If you're a fan of any of their franchises, would you rather have them screwing up your team or screwing up the Trump administration (which will be screwed up no matter the veep selection)? These guys have legs. Snyder and Sterling might be Trump's first options given their enlightened views on race.

5. Stacey Dash

How many famously conservative black women are there? She would provide a modicum of cover on Trump's racist and sexist shortcomings, and she's remarkably photogenic. Damon Dash could be Secretary of Commerce.

6. Dan Quayle

It worked for G.H.W. Bush in 1988.

Any of the foregoing make more sense than a Vice President Christie in terms of getting more votes and for protecting Trump's back. I predict instead that Trump puts Christie up for Justice Scalia's seat and after confirmation he morphs into a law-and-order version of Justice Souter.

And none of it will matter when former Trump endorsee/billionaire Mitt Romney runs as a self-funded independent candidate.

Alienation's for the Rich and I'm Feeling Poorer Every Day

Despite my public renouncement of Redskins fandom (more particularly, as you know, of rooting for anything connected with Dan Snyder), I take no joy in the team's dismal season, nor in the sacking of yet another coaching staff. I only offer this dead-right observation, from Tom Boswell's column-long sigh about the end of the Shanahan era:

Part II: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

In Part I of this piece I told the story of the time my son kicked my dick so hard I pissed blood. I concluded with the realization that "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!" This realization coupled with some comments last week about the use of the word "Redskins" got me thinking about some legal wrinkles in the analysis.

Here's some quick background that will make my upcoming rant more understandable. You can register a trademark with the federal government if you use that mark in commerce in connection with goods or services. In particular, you register the mark with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO or PTO). You submit an application and an examiner decides whether to register the mark. You have a back-and-forth dialog with the examiner but if he won't give you the mark you can appeal his refusal to the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board (TTAB). If you don't like the TTAB's decision you can appeal that to the US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit (CAFC). After that you're shit out of luck (SOL), unless the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) will hear the case but that's highly unlikely. If you don't like someone else's trademark you can challenge it in the TTAB, and the owner of the mark has the option to remove the matter to the US District Court for the District of Columbia (DDC). You an appeal the DDC's decision to the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (CADC), and again you're probably SOL if you don't like their conclusion.

In 1992 a group of seven Native Americans petitioned the TTAB to cancel the REDSKINS trademark because they found it disparaging. There were many proceedings before the TTAB, DDC, and the CADC. In the end six of the Native American petitioners' claims were dismissed based on a laches defense -- the mark was registered in 1967 and they didn't sue until 1992. Simply put, they sat on their claim for too long. (I can't believe I'm writing about laches here again.) The seventh petitioner was only a year old in 1967 so he couldn't have sued when the mark was first registered, but he turned 18 in 1984 so he waited 7 years and 9 months to file his petition. Through various intellectual convolutions, DDC decided that he wasn't reasonably diligent in bringing his claim and CADC affirmed. Here's the CADC opinion. There may have been more opinions after this one but the gist is that these folks waited too long to complain that they were offended by the use of the name REDSKINS.

The obvious solution to this problem is to find a bunch of Native American kids with the same birth date and file a petition on their behalf on the day they turn 18. This is why people hate lawyers.

In fact I think someone has already started to put such a group of petitioners together. But what happens next? Well, the TTAB or DDC have to decide if the mark is "immoral, deceptive, or scandalous" under Section 2 of the Lanham Act. What does that mean? That means the petitioner must demonstrate that mark is shocking to sense of truth, decency, or propriety; disgraceful; offensive; disreputable; giving offense to conscience or moral feelings; or calling out for condemnation.

How the hell do you do that? Sometimes it's easy, like when you have a smutty mark. CAFC recently affirmed the TTAB's refusal of "COCK SUCKER" which was intended to be used on chocolate lollipops shaped like roosters. Apparently the target audience was students at the University of South Carolina and Jackson State University because they both have gamecock mascots. Seriously, read the opinion.

"COCK SUCKER" is clearly vulgar and I don't know why CAFC needed 13 pages to reach that conclusion but I'm not a judge so what do I know. Similarly, the following smutty marks have been refused by CAFC and/or TTAB:

1-800-JACK-OFF
JACK-OFF
A photo of a man and a woman with the man's penis exposed, used to promote swinging
CUMFIESTA
CUMGIRLS
PUSSY
SEX ROD (opposed by the Red Sox in part because it was in the same font as their trademark)
YOU CUM LIKE A GIRL
DE PUTA MADRE
BULLSHIT
W.B. WIFE BEATER
TWATTY GIRL
GRANDMA SCHITTHED'S OUTHOUSE BROWN
GRANDPA SCHITTHED'S INKY STINKY PALE ALE
SCHITTHED'S
DICK HEAD'S

But they allowed "BIG PECKER BRAND" because "use of the term 'pecker' meaning penis is rapidly becoming archaic" and just isn't offensive anymore. So start throwing that term around the office and if anyone reports you to HR tell them to take it up with the TTAB.

In the context of disparaging marks, the TTAB applies the following test:

(1) what is the likely meaning of the matter in question, taking into account not only dictionary definitions, but also the relationship of the matter to the other elements in the mark, the nature of the goods or services, and the manner in which the mark is used in the marketplace in connection with the goods or services; and
(2) if that meaning is found to refer to identifiable persons, institutions, beliefs or national symbols, whether that meaning may be disparaging to a substantial composite of the referenced group.

How does this play out in practice? Oddly. For example, in In re Squaw Valley Dev. Co., the TTAB concluded that the marks "SQUAW" and "SQUAW ONE" were offensive when used to sell clothing or retail store services in the field of sporting goods or equipment. They reached this conclusion after reviewing a plethora of dictionaries, articles, state laws, and other sources showing that "SQUAW" is an offensive term for a Native American woman. However, they decided that "SQUAW" was not offensive when used to sell skis, ski poles, ski bindings, and other ski equipment because Squaw Valley is a ski resort and it's often referred to simply as "Squaw." Again, people hate lawyers for a reason.

Similarly, the mark "HEEB" was refused (by a panel of judges named Seeherman, Holtzman, and Kuhlke) as disparaging to Jews. But by contrast, "MAFIA BRAND" and "JUNIOR M.A.F.I.A." (Biggie!) were allowed because "MAFIA" isn't disparaging to Italians ... according to two panels of judges named Chapman, Hairston, and Bottorff; and Simms, Walters, and McLeod, respectively.

Sometimes reading cases is fun: "BLACK TAIL" was used to sell noodie magazines and it was allowed because:

As the Court said in Mavety, and as the present record shows, the word “tail” can have a variety of meanings as applied to an adult entertainment magazine. In particular, the dictionary definitions show that “tail” can mean “buttocks,” and there is no indication from the dictionary definitions that such a meaning would be considered vulgar.

Having reviewed the issue of BLACK TAIL magazine which is of record herein, we find it difficult to believe that anyone, seeing the mark used for such a publication, would consider the phrase to refer simply to buttocks. The photographs in the publication are photographs of nude and scantily-clad African-American women, and while many of the photographs feature the rear ends of these women, a large number feature their breasts and genitalia, often showing the women using their fingers to further expose themselves. However, our principal reviewing Court stated quite clearly in Mavety that, in view of the existence of an alternate, non-vulgar definition of “tail,” the Board, without more, erred in concluding that in the context of an adult entertainment magazine, a substantial composite of the general public would necessarily attach to the mark BLACK TAIL the vulgar meaning of “tail” as a female sexual partner, rather than the admittedly non-vulgar meaning of “tail” as rear end. 31 USPQ2d 16 1928. Given that opposers have not provided any further evidence as to the meaning of “tail” than was present before the Court during the appeal, we cannot conclude that it is the vulgar meaning that the relevant public would attach to the mark, nor can the Board substitute its own judgment for that of the perspective of the relevant public.

Can you imagine reviewing back issues of Black Tail magazine in your office with a valid work-related reason?!? I need to get a job on the TTAB! Out of respect for the women of G:TB, this is the only Black Tail photo I will post here.

So what does all this mean for "REDSKINS"? My hunch is that it will be canceled. In order for a mark to be offensive "a substantial composite of the referenced group" must feel disparaged. Here are some data from the TTAB proceeding involving the REDSKINS mark:

As we already saw, "SQUAW" was not allowed in some circumstances (i.e., when it wasn't clearly tied to Squaw Valley) because it was found to be offensive, but less than half of Native Americans (47.2%) surveyed felt offended by it. So you don't need to demonstrate a consensus to establish that a mark is disparaging. In fact, the judges who denied the HEEB mark noted that "While case law does not provide a fixed number or percentage, it is well established that a 'substantial composite' is not necessarily a majority." Given that 36.6% of Native Americans surveyed (i.e., more than 1 in 3) and 46.2% of the general population are offended by "REDSKINS," I can easily see the mark being canceled (once the stupid laches shenanigans are avoided). The "HEEB" opinion suggests that if a sub-population within the group in question is offended, then the "substantial composite" requirement is met, and a smart lawyer should be able to parcel out a particular sub-population of Native Americans to win cancelation.

To that point, Rick Reilly clearly isn't a trademark lawyer. There was an LA-based rap group called N.W.A. that was popular in the late 80's/early 90's. You may have heard of them. According to their Wikipedia page, N.W.A. stands for "N***az Wit Attitudes." N.W.A. registered the "N.W.A." mark with the USPTO. They did not, however, register "N***AZ WIT ATTITUDES". Clearly they aren't offended by the word "n***az," and neither are countless other emcees who throw the word around, so in Rick Reilly's world what's the problem? In fact, many people have tried to register marks containing this word but none have been allowed. And obviously the NAACP would win if they petitioned the TTAB to cancel a mark containing this word. So just because some Native Americans don't mind calling themselves "REDSKINS" doesn't mean that the term isn't offensive to other Native Americans. Or perhaps to put too fine a point on it, what does Rick Reilly think would happen if they changed the team name to the Washington Niggaz? Chris Rock pondered this previously but I can't find the video.

Of course, even if the federal registration of the REDSKINS mark gets canceled, Snyder et al. can continue to use it and can probably even enforce infringement of the mark in state court. But can you imagine how shitty Snyder would look if a panel of federal appellate judges decide that "REDSKINS" is too racist a word to receive federal protection but he continues to use it nonetheless? No one can be that tone deaf.

I joked yesterday that they should become the Washington Hematuria but I did a google image search and found nothing that would look good on a helmet. So here is a handful of suggestions.

WASHINGTON WASPS - tons of them in Northern Virginia and they'd love to rock "WASP" hats with plaid shorts and Topsiders. They can keep the colors too.

WASHINGTON VICTORS - hail to the victors, hail victory. The song writes itself. And it needs to be rewritten.

WASHINGTON RATTLESNAKES - they can keep the "R" trademark and the colors, and this particular snake is found in Maryland:

WASHINGTON GIBBSES - how fucking dope would this look on a helmet?

WASHINGTON RHINOS - tough as nails, they keep the "R", and no one else uses it. Sure, there are no rhinos in DC but how many Native Americans do you see in the District?

My work here is done. Next week I'll solve another major American crisis that arises in G:TB's comments.

Part I: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

I spent the first 36 years of my life operating under the assumption that I would never have children. I don't like spending time with kids very much and they seem to be a massive financial loss center. My general lack of parental role models coupled with my miserable shrew of a first wife made me feel like I would be doing our offspring a disservice by trying to raise him or her.

But then I met zwoman and realized that being married with children could be a good thing, and it turns out this was the best thing I ever did. I am happier than I've ever been and I love my son beyond words. Indeed, I cannot find the words to explain why I still love him so much (or why I even allow him to continue to live in my house) after the events of last Saturday.

zson enjoys climbing and jumping all over me and I enjoy the roughhousing almost as much as he does. He's only 2 1/2 though, so his toes are very small and the bones inside them are sharp and pointy, with not a lot of meat surrounding them. That is to say, it hurts when he pokes you with his toes.

zson was doing one of his favorite maneuvers: while I sit in our recliner with my feet on the ottoman, he walks across my legs and jumps from my knees into my body. We've done this many times with nary an injury. Until last Saturday. As he had done countlessly, zson walked onto my knees and leapt forward like Jimmy Snuka.

Notice how Snuka's left foot is cocked back? That's exactly how zson flew at me. As all 40 pounds of him flopped onto my chest, he whipped his shoeless foot straight down, impaling his pointy little toes flush into the shaft of zpenis. To say that I experienced pain is to say that the Grand Canyon is a big hole. It was not unlike this. I folded up like a jackknife. I saw stars. My mouth snapped open but no sound could come out. zwoman's hand immediately shot to her mouth. zson laughed and rolled off me so that he could do it again.

The pain subsided relatively quickly. About 30 minutes later I felt no lingering effects from the affront to my schwantz, and I went into the bathroom to pee. I let loose the Kraken and it showed no ill effects from the blow it suffered. I pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the bowl, and let pee fly. For a second nothing happened; what happened next will haunt me forever. A large, shiny, burgundy mass shot out of my dick, much like John Hurt's famous "chester" scene in "Aliens" ... with my dick playing the role of Hurt's chest.



The blob looked like a cross between that little alien's head and a squashed grape. It hit the inside of the bowl with an audible "splat" and was followed by a contrail of what looked like fruit punch. But it was not fruit punch. It was blood-soaked urine. I finished before these events could register in my mind, wiped the fruit punch off of the rim, and flushed the alien baby down.

Once I realized what had happened I staggered into the family room and took to my iPad. I entered "blood clot in urine" and what I read sent me into a cold sweat and a Tony Soprano-esque panic attack. Kidney failure. Bladder cancer. Urinary tract infection. Kidney stones. Prostate cancer.

I relayed my fears to zwoman and because she is the most wonderful woman in the world she calmly noted, "Well, you did just get kicked in the dick ... really hard." She suggested I go to an urgent care facility. I peed fruit punch again (but no alien baby blood clots) so I went. In a long discussion with the doctor, I realized that I just had a physical for life insurance a few months earlier and that my application was approved, so I can't have all of the diseases I feared. The doctor (who was a lady and kindly did not make me whip it out for examination, but did ask for a sample of my fruit punch) said "You have a lot of blood in your urine but I think your son hit you just right and broke a capillary or two." Just right indeed.

I went home with my fears allayed. The next time I peed it was much less fruit punchy. And then the time after that produced a yellow bowl with just a few maroon streaks. Because I'm an idiot my immediate reaction was "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!"

Stay tuned for Part II coming tomorrow: my legal justification for changing the Washington Redskins' name to the Washington Hematuria!

The Horror

A month or so ago, I played golf with a colleague at his old-line country club in Philly's New Jersey suburbs.  After our round, we retired to the men's grill for too many beers, big steaks, and the best bottle of wine I've ever had.  Tenuta San Guido Tuscany Sassicaia is a giant Bordeaux (forgive me, I can't recall the vintage), with legs like you read about and a deep, full taste (or whatever oenephilic description is appropriate).  The bottle retailed for $500, but it was half-price night at Tavistock, so we rolled like big-timers.  And my friend got the check, paying off a bet on this Spring's Bruins/Flyers series. I went back to my hotel with a quality buzz and a new favorite (if well out of my reach) wine.

Earlier this week, as I perused Mike Wise's tale of Dan Snyder's drunken-schoolboy impulse-driven pursuit of Mike Shanahan, one nugget made me spit out my coffee.  Recounts Wise, "While watching NBC’s “Sunday Night Football” game between the Arizona Cardinals and Indianapolis Colts, the four men drank glasses of Sassicaia, a bold Tuscan red that is a Snyder favorite, those who were present said. They added that Snyder eventually graduated to Crown Royal."

Not. Fucking. Cool. Couldn't be Opus One, or Cakebread, or some other pretentious tipple, nosirree.  Dan Snyder toilet-bowled my favorite football team, and now he's coming after my wine.  'Course, for him, grabbing a bottle of Sassicaia's like me picking up a six-pack of Dale's, which twists the knife even further.

And so I move thismuch closer to the New Orleans Saints, my soon-to-be favorite squad.  Drew Brees would never do this to me.

A Gift to all our Redskins Readers

Kudos to BradyFan83, who continues to produce epic YouTubes. As a non-Skins fan living in this town, I got a real kick out of this clip:

[Kevin Mench-sized Cap Nod to The Big Lead on this]