GTB Sex Week: PONYBOY

It's Sex Week here at G:TB but that doesn't mean Rob stopped ordering people around. Unfortunately, despite yesterday being my three year anniversary it also doesn't mean I got any yesterday. My wife started a new job recently and is currently training in South Florida for the week (and numerous weeks to come). Besides often being left alone with my wild animal of a two year old. It also means I have to get my sexy feeling some other way than usual...

 

Old People Are Sexy Too (and So Is Your Mom)

I'm very frustrated because I can't find an internet clip of my favorite sex scene in the history of cinema. It occurs right after the moment pictured above in Kenneth Branagh's version of Hamlet. Claudius, the usurper king is taking his "rouse," and chugging cups of Rhenish wine. Hamlet tells his buddy Horatio that this is a Danish tradition referred to as the "wassail," and it happens late at night, after much dancing and drumming. He also says that most Danes don't practice the tradition, but -- of course -- his murderous, incestuous, wife stealing uncles loves it.

Right after King Claudius finishes chugging the wine, he puts his arm around Queen Gertrude's waist, hurls her into the bedroom, throws her on the bed, and leaps on top of her . . . in full view of all his ministers (it's good to be the king). You have to watch carefully to see it, as it occurs in the background. If you want to see for yourself, you need to check out Act I Scene 4. This is the only scene from the film I couldn't find on the internet, so obviously I'm the only person who finds this detail awesomely fantastic. This is why.

Queen Gertrude is a bit old to be engaging in this sort of lascivious behavior. Even before Hamlet meets the ghost and learns that his mother has married a murderer, he is disturbed by her behavior. Specifically, her sexuality . . . her "wicked speed" and "dexterity" climbing into the "incestuous sheets" with Uncle Claudius. This is fun to point out in a high school English class, as  the kids get really, really uncomfortable when you mention the fact that their parents had to have sex in order to create them. We all agree that the best thing to do is never think about adults having sex, especially your own mother. 

Branagh won't let us avoid these thoughts, though, as they are integral to the play. He casts Queen Gertrude perfectly: she has to be someone that looks old, but was once hot.  Julie Christie fits the bill. 

Here she is in Hamlet:

And here she is in here prime:

After we watch the scene, and the students are properly appalled by two old people behaving like they are at a fraternity party, I end the lesson by telling them: "this is what's going to happen in your house after you go away to college."

GTB Sex Week: We All Scream For Ice Cream

I'll take two scoops, please.

[via]

G:TB Sex Week: Six Seconds

You may think that the G:TB editorial staff is wildly unqualified to talk in a mature and intelligent way about sex. If so, you're obviously a long-time and careful reader, and you're right. We're essentially a bunch of 12 year-olds. The only difference between us and most generally respectable people is that we admit it. You're all a bunch of pervs, deep down.

With that as preface, thus begins Sex Week at G:TB. We'll try (and fail) to keep it clean.

Database experts at the Spreadsheets App are taking mobile phone technology into your bedroom, and unleashing the power of data analytics and people's natural affinity for the gamification of all kinds of activities to understand Americans' sexual behavior.  More than 10,000 users from across the nation used the app to log the duration of their intercourse, and the Spreadsheets team compiled the results.

A couple of things leapt out at us after our scientific review of the results. The first: New Mexico, man, you folks are getting after it. Partners in the Land of Enchantment go for an average of 7:01 minutes (as the app doesn't count time spent on foreplay, the times represent intercourse only - my excuse, if I needed one, which I don't, and it's none of your business anyway, because my wife says I'm great, and she might even mean it, is that I prefer to spend a significant amount of time on the pregame), which is a full 1:23 longer than the second-place state, West Virginia. (Cousin banging, apparently, is a leisure sport.)

On the other end of the spectrum, Alaskans barely get started before they finish, wrapping things up in an extremely efficient 1:21 per hump. The bottom four states (Alaska, South Dakota, Vermont, and Montana) are all relatively cold-weather spots, which may explain the alacrity with which they do their business. Tough to keep the twigs, berries, and ladyparts exposed to the elements for too long when the temps are sub-zero.

Of much more parochial interest, the G:TB family is obviously interested in the relative standings of our home states. In this particular contest, none of us is covered in Jeremian (Ron, not Wheelhouse) glory. The G:TB staff hails from New Jersey, Florida, and Virginia, which rank a dismal 34th, 35th, and 37th. The Garden Staters have dubious bragging rights, lasting one second longer than Florida and six seconds more than those of us from the Old Dominion.

Fellow Virginians, we've got some work to do. Six seconds may not seem like a long time, but I think we owe it to our ladies to get on it. And get it on.