G:TB Sex Week: Six Seconds

You may think that the G:TB editorial staff is wildly unqualified to talk in a mature and intelligent way about sex. If so, you're obviously a long-time and careful reader, and you're right. We're essentially a bunch of 12 year-olds. The only difference between us and most generally respectable people is that we admit it. You're all a bunch of pervs, deep down.

With that as preface, thus begins Sex Week at G:TB. We'll try (and fail) to keep it clean.

Database experts at the Spreadsheets App are taking mobile phone technology into your bedroom, and unleashing the power of data analytics and people's natural affinity for the gamification of all kinds of activities to understand Americans' sexual behavior.  More than 10,000 users from across the nation used the app to log the duration of their intercourse, and the Spreadsheets team compiled the results.

A couple of things leapt out at us after our scientific review of the results. The first: New Mexico, man, you folks are getting after it. Partners in the Land of Enchantment go for an average of 7:01 minutes (as the app doesn't count time spent on foreplay, the times represent intercourse only - my excuse, if I needed one, which I don't, and it's none of your business anyway, because my wife says I'm great, and she might even mean it, is that I prefer to spend a significant amount of time on the pregame), which is a full 1:23 longer than the second-place state, West Virginia. (Cousin banging, apparently, is a leisure sport.)

On the other end of the spectrum, Alaskans barely get started before they finish, wrapping things up in an extremely efficient 1:21 per hump. The bottom four states (Alaska, South Dakota, Vermont, and Montana) are all relatively cold-weather spots, which may explain the alacrity with which they do their business. Tough to keep the twigs, berries, and ladyparts exposed to the elements for too long when the temps are sub-zero.

Of much more parochial interest, the G:TB family is obviously interested in the relative standings of our home states. In this particular contest, none of us is covered in Jeremian (Ron, not Wheelhouse) glory. The G:TB staff hails from New Jersey, Florida, and Virginia, which rank a dismal 34th, 35th, and 37th. The Garden Staters have dubious bragging rights, lasting one second longer than Florida and six seconds more than those of us from the Old Dominion.

Fellow Virginians, we've got some work to do. Six seconds may not seem like a long time, but I think we owe it to our ladies to get on it. And get it on.