Dr. ToeThumb or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Quesarito

Two weeks ago our own tiny dictator called me, and others in the G:TB family, out for not stepping up to the plate (pun intended), seeking out, and downing the mythical, off-menu Chipotle "quesarito". For the uninformed, a quesarito is a burrito that uses a quesadilla as a wrap.   After an initial demurrer, my "toe-thumb" and I decided that if we could take on the KFC Double Down or two grease truck sandwiches, we could rise to the quesarito challenge.

One fake mustache, one real mustache, one guy filled with sandwiches.

The quesarito has received a bunch of interest lately, much of it prompted by the "Fast Company" article linked by Rob.  The article, while focusing on the quesarito, is actually a larger discussion of "secret menu" items at various fast food restaurants.  According to various sources, including this Ranker list, Chipotle has six secret menu items.  Most of the items, like the single taco and fresh cilantro don't seem all that secret.  The only ones that really stand out as secret are the quesadilla and the quesarito, mainly because they are tough to make using the standard Chipotle line equipment.      

Since the quesarito requires additional time to make, most sources recommend going outside of normal dining hours.  Last Tuesday, a 2:30 PM trek to the nearest Chipotle in midtown Manhattan was aborted because there was still a long line.  Undaunted, after enlisting the support of my co-worker Teresa, we headed off to a Thursday 3PM date with destiny.  When we arrived, Chipotle was almost empty and the line was staffed by only two people.  The only thing now was to order the beast.

When discussing this mission with Mrs. Marls, she inquired whether there was some Larry Craig-esque toe tapping signal, which, instead of leading to illicit airport sex, would grant access to the cheesy delights of the Chipotle secret menu.  Alas, there is not toe tapping or "wide stance"required.  All that is needed is finding a bored group of Chipotle workers, a little patience, and a willingness to look like an unbridled glutton.   Luckily, we had all three.

The person who took our order had no idea what a quesarito was but offered to make us a quesadilla.   While this was not what we wanted, it was the opening we needed.  Clearly this guy had a willingness to go into the clandestine world of off-menu mexican fast food.  From there it only took a little explaining to coax a quesarito out of him.   In fact, after he finished wrapping it up, he advised that he was going to make himself one for lunch.

At this point, the only thing left was to sit back and enjoy.

Note the toe-thumb and oozing cheesy goodness

It is so choice.  If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

Fear

I bring you news today of something so fearsome, so terrifying in its size, scale, and symbolic power that its already defeated three of our best men.

When we asked the Destroyer of the Double Down to defend us from this menace, he took one look and begged off, claiming to be concerned for the welfare of bystanders.

The Doofus Overlord, we should've known, demurred based on the multi-ingredient makeup of the colossal nemesis.

And our cast-iron gulleted Iranian friend didn't even respond, cowed as he was by the might of this mammoth.

Therefore, friends of Gheorghe, we seek a champion. Who amongst you will be brave enough to attempt to vanquish the quesarito, Chipotle's super-secret off-menu beast? The 1,500-calorie monstrosity consists of a standard-issue Chipotle burrito wrapped in an improvised quesadilla. I've seen pictures; the thing is bigger than my head.

I know of a man from a Southern city. The elders speak of him in revered tones. They claim he once ate a Fat Cat* and a Fat Bitch** in a single sitting (though he's too modest to admit it - he ordered them for 'we', rather than 'me'). More than ever, our nation needs this man. This is his call to arms.

Or at least to napkins.

* The Fat Cat: Double Cheeseburger, Fries, Lettuce, Tomato, Mayo, Ketchup on a sub roll
** The Fat Bitch: Cheesesteak, Chicken Fingers, Mozzarella Sticks, French Fries, Lettuce Tomato, Mayo, Ketchup on a sub roll