My Definitive World Cup Predictions Come True!

Unbelievable. I am so fucking clairvoyant. One month ago, I made some World Cup Predictions. Check them out if you don't believe me.

I predicted Spain would beat the Netherlands in overtime in the World Cup Final. And they did.

I predicted I would tie Jerry in the Yahoo World Cup Fantasy League. And I did. Pay up.

And I predicted that a clairvoyant squid would make some fantastic predictions. That one isn't exactly right, but it's damned close. I didn't hear anyone else claiming the Nostradamus of cephalopods would manifest itself.

So I don't have to cut off my left testicle. I got a bit nervous, but Castilla's boot saved my nut.

G:TB. We have the answers one month in advance.

USMNT Julep

When I was in first grade, my parents signed me up for our neighborhood soccer team in the local community league. Didn't make a whole lot of sense to me at the time -- our family was and is much more baseball-oriented, and my grandfather and uncles had been throwing wiffle balls, tennis balls, and baseballs to me (and at me) since I was knee-high to a squirrel. I think the people in my folks' cocktail party circuit were getting their kids into soccer, though, so that's the way it went.


I wasn't very good. Middle of the pack speed, rudimentary ball skills, not willing to take a header. But that's the way it went, a Larchmont halfback in 1st grade, then 2nd, and on up. By 3rd or 4th grade I was markedly better, owing simply to playing season after season, and by sixth grade I was starting at forward. In my last game that year, I scored four goals in an 8-0 rout of league rival Ghent. Soccer was my sport, every autumn.


But then, well, our school offered junior-junior varsity football to grades 7 and up, so that's the way I went. I trotted off the soccer pitch at age 12 and never looked back. There was simply more allure with football, more American street cred and more potential for glory. For me, the move -- coupled with my growing to 6'4" by the time I was 16 -- led to a high school career littered with dozens, nay several touchdowns, some paltry Virginian-Pilot coverage, and a hearty sex life of backseat handjobs from one of the prettier cheerleaders. The gilded days, as they say.


Save for a pair of left-footed fluke goals in one of our Lumpless Gravy B-side soccer matches in college, my futbol playing days largely ended with my fellow 6th graders. (Oh, there was also an indoor match in which Mr. Truck and I played a man down and lost 15-1 after an own goal put us up 1-0.) But my interest in the sport was never fully extinguished, not by years of dedication to other sports, not by the nation's general apathy to it, not by decades of drinking heavily and forgetting everything I once knew.


In 1992, our comrade Cliffy and I, both in our bonus year at W&M, enrolled in Principles of Coaching, a Kinesiology class that reeked of "gut" more than a Mangino waistband. (We were scouring the curriculum for such classes by that point.) As part of the class, we coached the Comets, a 1st grade squad whose saga I won't bother relating but was filled with comedy, drama, and an uplifting final chapter worthy of an ABC Afterschool Special. Plus, we got A's, which I desperately needed. And the sport got its hooks in me once again.


Here we are, 18 years later (yikes), and my two daughters are both seasoned veterans in the community soccer league in the same town where I donned the Larchmont kelly green so many years ago. And now, with the United States poised to make some noise in the most watched tournament in the world (I need the YES network to spruce up that hyperbole), the sport has infected me like that itch I picked up in New Orleans. I'm still that same first-grade spazzy mcgee flailing about out there, but now I'm in a bar watching my countrymen excel.

So here's to this sport soccer, and here's to an American generation that has played and coached it now watching intently and hoping for national success.

An Idiot's World Cup Preview

I freely and routinely admit that I’m an idiot. I don't understand a lot of things. Things like string theory, the Dave Matthews Band's popularity, Basque, calendars, short stocky women who wear knee-high boots, the iPad, the appeal of items decorated with Burberry plaid or those weird Gucci and Louis Vuitton logos, why people buy Saturns, the factors that led to World War I, people who aren't lactose intolerant but nevertheless don't like cheese, Sarah Palin, the midget in front of me at Obama's motorcade, Flemish sours, the DC area's snow removal policy or lack thereof, the evolution of the Supreme Court's commerce clause jurisprudence, religion, transplant surgery, how anyone ever came up with the idea for circumcision and said "eh, let's give it a try and see if it pans out," the telegraph, telephones, television, telekinesis, kinases, knitting, silent k's, why the "g" is silent in "gnat" but not in "gnu," and the final scene of the final episode of the Sopranos.

And soccer. I just don't get it. It seems like everyone around the world is head-over-heels* in love with soccer. I’ve tried to watch but it’s just terrible. Nothing happens. I thought the problem was that I just don’t understand the finer points of the game, or that I haven’t seen an excellent display of soccer prowess. So I looked around on the ghooghles for some soccer clips and I found “The Goal of the Century.” Should be pretty amazing right? It has to be! It’s The Goal of the Century!! Wanna see it? Here it is:



I still don’t get soccer. Particularly if this is the best soccer-related occurrence in the last 100 years.

But with the World Cup nigh upon us I felt that I should try to adopt a team to root for. The US team was a logical choice until I looked at the roster. The closest thing to a zman on the team is "Jonathan Spector." It might be fun to root for Herculez Gomez because then I can yell "Herk-a-LEEZ! Herk-a-LEEZ!" like in the Nutty Professor. But they'll probably lose early so I need another team if I want to follow one deep into the tournament.

So I sloppily searched the FIFA World Cup site for zmen. It appears that there isn’t a single Zoltan to be found on anyone’s roster. Slovakia has a Zdenko and a Zabavnik. The Serbs really bring the zheat: Zeljko, Zdravko, Zoran, and Zigic all rock the kokarda. Ivory Coast has some dude named Didier Zokora which seems cool at first but I'll wind up making "Didier, I hardly know her" jokes and that gets old fast. Brazil has no zmen, probably because they're a bunch of fatherless bastards - about 69% of the team has no last name. One Brazilian is named "Grafite;" maybe he's into mechanical pencils? Cameroon has a Zoua and cool jerseys but I can't find their country on a map. Slovenia has a Zlatko AND a Zlatan, and I work with a cool guy from Slovenia so they have good watercooler potential. The Nordic teams have no zmen but they have tons of names with no consonants, as opposed to the central Europeans who would like to buy some vowels.

Accordingly, I'm rooting for the Slovenians. I understand that they may be even worse than the US team, which means my approach to finding a team that can go deep in the tournament is less than scientifically sound. But this also means I'll likely have an excuse to stop watching the World Cup without having to admit I don't understand why it's entertaining or even interesting.

I'll try to drum up more information on the Slovenian squadron from my inside source. Keep an eye out for some Slovenian/Ghostface crossover fillah.

*I also don’t understand the phrase “head-over-heels.” My head is always over my heels unless I’m executing a bicycle kick. Which will never happen.

Sometimes the World Explains Soccer: The Definitive World Cup Preview

The World Cup is rapidly approaching-- it begins June 9th in South Africa-- and you might be feeling overwhelmed. It's a lot to tackle. Eight groups. Thirty two teams. So many questions. So much information to navigate. What kind of defensive system does Algeria use? Who will start in the Slovenian mid-field? Will David Suazo be able to play for the Honduras squad? What is the primary export of Honduras? Where is Honduras?


Do not fret, because G:TB's World Cup Preview will set you straight. It's not comprehensive and it's not objective, but it is certainly definitive and it is certainly American made. And there is enough insightful analysis to pique your interest and prepare you for the opening round.

If you need a reminder of exactly how huge the World Cup is, I highly recommend Franklin Foer's book How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization. Outside of America, soccer is more than a sport. It is an expression of culture and religion, and a reflection of politics, economy and national character. Unlike American professional sports, soccer is not an escape. It is not a high-scoring carnival, like basketball and football, or a whimsical national past time like baseball . . . no, soccer is life: frustrating, low scoring, unfair, and full of failure. And sometimes soccer explains the world, and sometimes, the world explains soccer.

Group A: South Africa; Mexico; Uruguay; France

Mexico

The team to beat in Group A. Their pace of their play is slow (some might even call them lazy) but watch for their daring breaks across the mid-line and into enemy territory. Will the backbreaking labor of mid-fielders Johnny Magallon and Andres Guardado be enough to establish the Mexicans on the opposition's turf? They must obtain a legitimate foothold there . . . off-sides, obstruction, and other illegal activities will devastate their plan of attack. If they can pull this off, a wealth of opportunities will abound. But Uruguay, France, and South Africa may erect an impenetrable wall of defense. If the Mexicans are driven back onto their own side of the pitch, then opportunity will be scant.

South Africa

The home team advantage isn't going to help much here, because South Africa doesn't play as a team. They need to learn to cooperate and not battle themselves. Things will work out better for them if the likes of Matthew Booth can learn to assist players like Katlego Mphela.

France

France eliminated Ireland from the World Cup in an especially rude manner, when Thierry Henry set up his game winning goal with a blatant hand ball. It is a play that was simply deemed uncouth, and Henry's reaction was equally elitist and ill-mannered. France will get what they deserve.


Group B Argentina; Nigeria; South Korea; Greece

Greece

The team to watch in this group. They have struggled since their 2004 Euro Championship, but they have a taste for victory, and they will go for broke in order to win. They may stretch themselves too thin offensively, far beyond their potential, and then there will be disaster, unless incredible defensive play can bail them out.

Group C England; United States; Algeria; Slovenia

England

England's success hinges on super-striker Wayne Rooney, who recently injured his groin, but he seems to be taking the injury with a stiff-upper lip and a stoic attitude. Look for the Brits to carry-on in this manner, with expansive wins over the smaller nations. They won't have trouble until the face the upstarts: the United States of America.

United States

It is inevitable, and it will come: the US is destined to battle Britain. Our melting pot of players-- ranging from Tim Howard to Landon Donovan to Jose Torres to Brian Ching to Oguchi Onyewu-- will give the English squad fits. Though the Americans play might be more primitive, their quick striking guerrilla style and camouflaged runs should prove to too radical for the hard-nosed British.


Group D: Germany; Australia; Serbia; Ghana

Germany

Precise and methodical passing will advance Germany deep into the tournament, where they will humorlessly decimate squads such as France, England, and the Netherlands. Their passionate and motivational coach, Joachim Low, has inspired fervent unity between players such as Hans-Jörg Butt, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Thomas Müller, Arne Friedrich, and Andreas Beck. They are a loyal and zealous group, but late in the tournament, once they have progressed far and done great damage, look for the US to step in and deal those Hun bastards . . . excuse me, the Germans . . . a loss in the final round.


Serbia

Radomic Antic, the Serbian coach, is another formidable figure. It is doubtful, however, that the Serbian squad can remain unified enough to give the Germans a problem. They might clean up Ghana or Australia, but then fragmentation among the ranks will do them in.

Group E: Netherlands; Denmark; Japan; Cameroon

Netherlands

Total football. Brilliant orange. Brilliant football. Total orange. It's best to watch the Dutch team in a dark cozy place in the heart of Amsterdam. On a big TV. The players leave wavy orange trails behind them on the screen. You can just sit and watch and laugh and eat and watch the patterns they make on the screen. Interlocking patterns. Dutch patterns. There is meaning in their patterns and sometimes I know what the meaning is, but then I always forget.

Japan

Take note of the Japanese Ronaldo, Takayuki Morimoto. He is young and incredibly dedicated. He will careen headlong straight at the goal with no thought other than to score, even if it means great personal loss. But if he fails, he is rumored to take things very, very hard.

Group F: Italy; Paraguay; New Zealand; Slovakia

Italy

With stars like Fabio Cannavaro and Andrea Pirlo, the defending champs seem to be the team to beat, but sometimes you need to research internationally to get the full story. Pak Ui-chun, the North Korean Minister of Foreign Affairs, has remarked that the Italian players are a "follicular disgrace" and the Pyongyang media calls them "emotionally feminine and overly defensive."

Group G Brazil; North Korea; Ivory Coast; Portugal

Brazil

Will Coach Dunga get Robinho, Durval, Juan, and Lucio to flow in synchronized rhythm? Or will it all be Kaka?

North Korea

Pyongyang media reports that this team is "the best the world has seen and will ever see and that they will prevail without follicular shame." But Vice premier Kwak Bom Gi, an ardent supporter of the national team, worries that the lack of "secret escape tunnels" from the South African stadiums might rattle some of the North Korean players.

Group H: Spain; Switzerland; Honduras; Chile

Spain

With loads of Premier League talent, Spain is obviously a threat to win it all, but they are not the fastest starters and sometimes by the middle of the match they can appear almost sleepy, as if they need a mid-game nap. But late in the game, there is no nation more vibrant and exciting.

Switzerland

No real identifiable style here. I predict that they tie every game.

That's it for now, but be on the lookout for more definitive World Cup analysis in the future. And if anyone questions the completely biased opinions you've received here at G:TB, you know what to tell them . . .

Uruguay.