Fashion is Awesome, Olympics Version

I gently mocked a friend recently when he suggested we needed to find time and a place to watch the opening ceremony of the 2026 Winter Olympics. It was Whitney. I mocked Whitney.

He responded by telling me that I love the Olympics more than anyone he knows. Okay, that's fair. 

I do love an Olympiad, for all the reasons. The pageantry, the diversity of peoples and stories, the major sports and the minor, the moments of joy and agony, and how much it all matters to the participants. And the uniforms. Definitely the uniforms.

The Olympics, in particular the opening and closing ceremonies, are an opportunity for each nation to display a little bit of its personality to the world. From Tonga's barechested Pita Taufatofua to Armani's 2022 Italy capes to Haiti's kickass 2024 summer fits, the Olympics are a chance for designers to tell the story of a nation.

What follows is the definitive guide* to the best and blandest Olympic kits for the upcoming games. There can be no argument.

*half-assed overview that'll start hot and peter out because lazy.

Mongolia's 2024 summer fits were, frankly, spectacular. Hard to top, and I don't think they did this time around, but the designers at Goyol Cashmere still gave us a cool and culturally on point look.

Norway's look is classic, cool, and comfortable.

Ralph Lauren once again designed the USA's gear. I'm not a huge fan of Lauren's style, and so it follows that I think our kits are a bit much. Your mileage may vary. If it does, you can pick up that toggle overcoat for $1,998 at the online store.

The interwebs are *not* happy with the kits lululemon designed for Canada, and I'm with the masses on this one. They're both weird and boring, which is kinda hard to do.

Australia's are mid, New Zealand's are all-Black, and - shockingly - Italy's Armani-designed unis are just kinda blah.

adidas designed a bunch of uniforms this year, like this for Germany. It's...fine.

Ben Sherman's togs for Team Great Britain are sweet, tho.

France's, though? They may be the worst of the lot, or at least of the ones I've been able to find online.

Watch this space for more authoritative and insightful coverage from Milan/Cortina.

Acutus, Immuniditiam, Stolidus

From nearly the moment Sochi was announced as the venue for the 2014 Winter Olympics, the decision was criticized from all sides. The human rights community decried Russia's deplorable record on gay issues. Others pointed out the irony in the fact that Sochi is a summer resort, and climatically inappropriate to host a cold-weather Games. International diplomats offered stark criticism of Vladimir Putin's lengthy and ongoing violent repression of rebellions in any number of Russian states, not the least of which are within mere hours of Sochi. Add to that massive costs for development and transportation, incomplete and poorly built facilities (which are injuring high-profile athletes even in training), and substantial concerns for the security of participants and spectators, and the Sochi Games are off to a dismal start, even before they've officially begun.

With all that as backdrop, and from the safety and comfort of the G:TB World Headquarters in the U.S.A., we're still firmly on board as huge fans of the Olympic Games. We'll be hunkered down in front of our televisions for the better part of the next three weeks, and spending much of non-viewing time hoping to avoid spoilers. Like #lastman, only not limited to sycophantic loonbats.

There are lots of terrific stories, both in the U.S. delegation and others, and we encourage our readers to share their rooting interests in the comments below. People like White, Lolo Jones, Ashley Wagner, Alex Ovechkin, Ted Ligety, and Kelly Clark will get a lot of press coverage, and we'll get our once-every-four-years appreciation of lesser-known athletes like U.S. bobsledder Steve Holcomb, the defending gold medalist in the four-man, and cross-country stud Kikkan Randall.

We featured Randall in our 2010 Winter Olympics Preview, which was far, far better than this one. In 2014, we'll be pulling hard for her to become the first U.S. woman to win a cross-country medal.

HAIL TO THE REDACTED!

Another of our favorites comes from far closer to home than Alaska's Randall. 20 year-old Ashley Caldwell was born in Ashburn, VA, home of the NFL's Washington REDACTED and Lost Rhino Brewing (and my barber shop). She was an accomplished gymnast as a young girl, competing for Apex Gymnastics, the same gym for which my youngest daughter competes. In 2006, Caldwell watched the Winter Games in Turin, and was transfixed by the ski aerials competition. Within three years, she was a world-class competitor in the event. She finished 10th in the 2010 Games, and heads to Sochi as a medal threat.

We'll be rooting hard for Caldwell, for obvious reasons (and because my nearly 10 year-old is as stubborn and lazy as any kid on the planet, and anything that motivates her to get off her ass is a good thing). But we'll be rooting for all the athletes. That's what we do, at least every four years.

World's Fastest Frozen Wren: Foiled From Worldwide Festivities?

Bobsled, or bobsleigh as the cognocenti call it, became an Olympic event in 1924. Unsurprisingly, the event involves a sled. In the sled are two or four people who hurl said sled down a frozen chute. The sledders need explosive strength and speed to get the sled off to a swift start.

That's all I know about bobsledding. I have no idea if the sledders steer the sled, let alone how they do so. I don't know how to tell if the sledders are sledding swifter or slower than they should be, if they're screwing up, or if they're doing an especially superior job on any particular run.

But I still watch the event, even though I don't know the nuances, because the goal is simple: go faster than everyone else. There are no judges, no referees, no objective points for artistic merit, no vote swapping collusion. Just speedy sleds. And fans with cowbells. It's a pants-splittingly splendid event.



I bet Brian May loves that clip.

If that isn't enough to convince you, then how about this: the US women's team includes a former Wren. Her name is Ingrid Marcum, class of 1997, and I remember seeing her around the delis and possibly Unit M. She was featured in the most recent the alumni magazine, which says she was a member of the gymnastics team and a marketing major. She's also the 2009 US National Champion weightlifter in the 75 kilo class. This might make her the most accomplished Tribe athlete from my tenure in the Burg, aside from Darren Sharper.

So here's an excuse to watch TV instead of working on your honey-do list: root for the US women's bobsled team and in turn support the Tribe.

Or so I thought. Shortly after I wrote this breezy missive, I realized that the alumni magazine described Marcum as a team hopeful and not a team member, so I decided to double-check my facts. The US bobsled federation has a women's team and an Olympic team. It appears that Marcum is not on the Olympic team. I'm sure that she is, however, rooting for the US team. As you should too.

Need another reason to watch bobsledding? How 'bout this: Gheorghe Muresan will. Romania has won 1 (one!) medal in Winter Olympics history, despite missing only the 1924 and 1960 Olympics. That medal was a bronze in ... that's right, 2-man bobsled. It stands to reason then that Romania's best shot to medal in Vancouver is in bobsled, so Gh-Unit will be watching. Join him.

Zoltan = Soul on Ice

Many women like to watch figure skating. With the Winter Olympics nigh upon us, you might end up watching figure skating with a woman. Maybe a woman you know, or maybe one you just met. Either way, you might want to sound knowledgeable, and you definitely want to find a way to keep it entertaining. To that end, I bring you Romania's own Zoltan Kelemen.


I will root for Zoltan for several reasons. First, he's Romanian (in fact, he's the 3-time Romanian figure skating champion!). Just like Gheorghe Muresan. Second, his coach is named ... wait for it ... you're gonna love this ... Cornel Gheorghe. Another commonality with Gheorghe! Third, he has a cool name. Zoltan. It sounds so out of sight its got the blind people lookin'. Sounds sweet and smooth like custard. Sharp like a razor, steady like a train. Like a man who knows where to get good gyulai - and how to give it. Like a man who can drink a case of Ursus without having to break the seal. Hirsute in places where other men are hairless. A man that all others envy. Fourth, he skates to funky music. He's soul on ice. Check it:



It seems like he falls down a lot so clearly he can take tons of pain. Tough as nails. If you fast forward to the 5:50 mark you'll see he's got a great poker face. Chicks clearly dig this man.

Don't be surprised if you're standing around the K-cup machine at work and you overhear a bunch of young ladies gasping that "Zoltan is soooo sexy!" Normally they'd be talking about me, but during this twenty-first Winter Olympiad, they just might be talking about Zoltan Kelemen. Be ready for it.