King of the...Joe Tables?

Four score and many moons ago we began the "King of the..." series here at G:TB (if by "series" you mean two posts loosely held together by a contrived concept), but I've gotta tell you, today's installment - inspired by several emails from G:TB stalwart Dennis- has got to be my favorite. That's right los lectores fieles, you can close the baseballreference.com window and put away your dog-eared Spanish-English dictionary...we've got you covered. ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! (¿demasiado?)**

Joe Table (Jose Mesa) - The man, the myth, the legend - the reason this post even exists. That's right, it's the man who had a kid at the ripe old age of 13 and who cost the city of Cleveland the World Series title in 1997 (and has one of the more enjoyable ongoing feuds with former teammate Omar Vizquel). Joe Table, your candle burned out long before your legend ever did...wait, what? He's still employed? Yessiree, Jose Mesa is currently a Philadelphia Philly (his 2nd ball club this year and 8th in 19 major league seasons), and sporting a superb 5.65 ERA to boot. Well done sir. Brett Myers will most likely be punch you in the face any day now.

Chuck Newhouse (Carlos y Charlie Villanueva) - A true double-threat, Mr. Villanueva is both an up-and-coming pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers and a promising alien-PF hybrid (in the Species mold) for the Milwaukee Bucks. There hasn't been a male duo this formidable to hit the streets of "Mill-e-wah-que" since Lenny and Squiggy. This little tidbit made me chuckle, mainly because I think very little of the NBA version - Chuck the Buck sometimes goes by the nickname "Skillanueva".

Roberto Clemente (Rob Merciful) - Its not often my style, but if I can be serious for a moment, even within a post this nonsensical. Given what we know of the player and the man, and how Clemente was taken from this Earth way too soon, this one seems almost fitting. Thank you for your patience, we will now carry on with the foolishness.

George July (Jorge Julio) - His discovery in the Orioles pen 6 years ago led to one of the most entertaining, and I must say ethnically-insensitive, email exchanges ever. Patty McShitface, Mohammed Bombsalot and Akbar Al-Hijackya are all pulling for Jorge in this one ("Yes, Hi, I called earlier - Inside Joke, Party of 4"). Jorge can also be blamed for inspiring 2,728,069 "Jorge Julio, Spanish for blown save" jokes. Amazingly, he was traded straight up this year for the Korean translation of blown save, Byung-Hyun Kim. Everybody hurts...sometimes.

Frank Frank (Frank Francisco) - The Spanish equivalent to the English version of torturing your son for life, William Williams. Or, like the poor kid at my high school, Richard Dick. Thank god I went to school way before Columbine, or little Richard Dick might have gotten the urge to spray paint the walls of the Shaker High Gym with the brains of my entire 3rd period gym class. Ironically (I think it's irony...much like that dum-dum Alanis I often misuse irony), when Frank Squared decided to go all WWF and throw a chair into the crowd 2 years ago he hit a woman named Jennifer Bueno in the face. Even Ice Cube would have to concede it wasn't a "good" day for Ms. Bueno.

Jesus Flowers (Jesus Flores) - This list could never be complete without a rep from the hometown Washington Nationals. However, I have virtually nothing to say about him, except that his major league debut was on my birthday this year. Jesus and I took several shots of Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia to celebrate his big day.

Vinny GreenHead (Vincent Testaverde) - Oh boy, now we're really reaching. Vinny is our only football representative on this list, mainly because I'm running out of steam. Some controversy here as well, since Dennis contends he should be called Vinny GreenBalls, rather than GreenHead, but I'm sticking with this solid interweb translation site. All I'm wondering is how did Fireman Ed never capitalize on this obvious connection during Vinny's successful Jets tenure?

And your winner: Jose Mesa, King of the Joe Tables. Was there ever any doubt?

**This post written while jamming out to ABBA's "Fernando"...en repetición

King of the Abreus

That's right, it's time for another edition of G:TB's half-cocked and completely contrived faux name game...

Winston Abreu - First on the list is the righty reliever of the Washington Nationals. Winston has been around forever, seemingly in every minor league in the country, finally reaching the bigs last year, where he tossed 8 forgettable innings for the Orioles. Manny Acta doesn't exactly have a lot of choices in that bullpen of his, so Winston might get to stick around for a little while, though his 5.89 ERA, 1.42 WHIP and .307 BAA say otherwise.

Francesco Abreu - Hey, the U.S. Open starts today. And hey, Francesco never played in one...though it appears he was an adequate golfer on the European Tour, winning the German Open in 1973 and the Madrid Open in 1976.

Bobby Abreu - Full name is Bob Kelly Abreu. Did not know that. And in Venezuela he's lovingly known as "Comedulce" (the candy-eater)? Also interesting. But even more interesting is that, after taking April and May off, Bobby decided to stop being a pansy and start producing, and whaddya know, his recent tear has coincided with the Yankees rise from the ashes. Since June began, Bobby is 21-for-46 with 11 walks, 3 SB and 12 RBI (he's got a 12 game hit streak as well). His resurgence, along with some decent starting pitching (finally), has me feeling good about the Yanks postseason chances (for now, we'll say Wild Card...but perhaps Rob and I will be discussing the division come September). I think most folks remember Abreu's time in Philadelphia, but did you know both the Astros and Devil Rays completely gave up on him? Hell, the D-Rays traded him to Philly for Kevin Stocker. There are some out there that might also know Abreu because of his ex-girlfriend, former Miss Universe Alicia Machado. She of course decided to go on the Mexican reality show "La Granja" and bang a dude who looked like an extra in a Sergio Leone western. On camera. Huh, don't remember? Well, thank god for the interweb...the real fun starts at the 3:12 mark...Needless to say, Bobby ended that relationship soon after this clip emerged/word got out she was the Spanish Trishelle.

Dennis Abreu - Nondescript minor league OF in the Cardinals organization. But what you might not realize is this minor league utility guy is actually G:TB's infamous Dennis. That's right, three goofy white dudes from America's second oldest university have made random acquaintances with a 24-year-old Venezuelan minor leaguer who now chooses to pop-in periodically here at G:TB when not being tortured by 8 hours bus rides and Motel 8 accommodations. Pretty weird, huh?

Tony Abreu - Called up about a month ago by the Dodgers because Wilson Betemit and Andy LaRoche have been about as effective as Bert and Ernie trying to man 3B for L.A. Unfortunately for Tony, he is mired in a terrible 6-for-35 slump and it looks like Betemit might take his job back (which is fine by me since Betemit is on my NL-only team). It also doesn't help that Tony is the Butcher of Bakersfield at the hot corner.

Manuel Dias de Abreu - Anytime an actual thing or procedure is named after you, you get to participate in the name game (plus, there's less Abreus out there than you'd think). Manuel was a Brazilian physician and scientist and the inventor of abreugraphy, a rapid radiography of the lungs for screening tuberculosis. Exciting stuff, right? Well, unfortunately/tragically/ironically (pick one), Manuel died in 1962 from lung cancer, probably caused by his long habit of smoking.

And your winner: Bobby Abreu, King of the Abreus...really, never any doubt here, given his play of late and and it's direct effect on the Yanks current 8-game winning streak. Though a few votes were cast for Dennis Abreu, mainly by Dennis himself.

King of the Hill(s)

Get ready for a myriad of nonsensical baseball-related posts from G:TB in the next few months. Let the horror begin today with our version of the name game...

Aaron Hill - A potential All-Star second baseman in the making for the Toronto Blue Jays. After two competent but unexciting seasons in the bigs, Aaron is absolutely smoking the ball to start the 2007 season: .313, 6 HR, 21 RBI, .586 SLG. His six homers already match his career high. Batting anywhere from 5th to 8th in a powerful Blue Jays line-up, Aaron should be able to excel all season long under the dim Canadian lights.

Henry Hill - American Mob legend. Had a great run. Lufthansa ended up being a big problem.

Shawn Hill - Given the uncertainty of John Patterson's paper mache arm, Shawn very well may be the Washington Nationals ace of the future (stop laughing, these guys are actually pitching much better lately...now, the hitting, yep, that is still atrocious). Hill is 2-3 on the year, but with a 3.00 ERA and 1.08 WHIP. The kid has 25 Ks to only 11 BBs. His worst start of the season was last night, where he gave up three earned in only 6.1 IP vs. the Padres. Prior to that start, he had not given up more than 2 ER in any game.

Alfred Hawthorn Hill, better known as Benny Hill - Comedic genius. Just look.

Rich Hill - Since Carlos Zambrano seems mentally incapable of leading a pitching staff, and Prior and Wood have finally become afterthoughts in Chicago, Rich is the young stud pitcher the Cubs thought they had (several times) the last 5 years. His 12-to-6 curveball is devastating, and a beauty to watch. 29 Ks, 11 BBs, a 3-1 record and 1.07 ERA (and even more absurd 0.87 WHIP). Swint, this guy is the Cubs future AND he's a Michigan alum - you need a jersey ASAP.

One Tree Hill - Crappy "teenage" drama Swint loves (these actors all make Ian Ziering's portrayal of an 18-year-old Steve Sanders believable). Bonus points for giving Rick Fox a job.

Also Receiving Votes: Hank Hill, cartoon patriarch; Bob Hill, ranges from horrendous (Grizzlies) to nondescript (second Magic stint) NBA coach.

And your winner: Rich Hill, King of the Hills...G:TB predicts a Cy Young award for the young Cubbie within the next three years.