From the Archives: A Fanilow Rides Again

11 years ago I saw the man, the myth, the legend, Barry Manilow, at what was then called the MCI Center, on his "One Last Time" tour. Wellllllll, it seems it might not have been the last time after all, as I will be returning to the MCI Center (nee, Verizon Center) this evening to see Barry perform as part of his, you guessed it. "One Last Time" tour (subtitled: "This Time He Really Means It. No, He's Serious, Why Are You Laughing, Cher?"). Pasted below is the recap I wrote after that magical night 11 years ago...god willing, you will get to be bored to tears in a few days when I recap tonight's performance.
Fanilow Out.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2004

He writes the songs that make the whole world sing

Oh, Mandy, You came and you gave without taking (or as Homer Simpson would sing, Oh, Margie, You came and you gave me a turkey)...

That's right, last night, MCI Center, the one, the only, Barry Manilow, his "One Last Time" tour. Where do I start...
Heading for Section 425 (yeah I know, big spender) an Usheress (not a word) stopped us and swapped our tix for seats in Section 118. Sweet - I'm not sure if it's possible to be any happier, and we haven't even sat down yet.

Picked up two beers (I almost felt obliged to get the white wine) and what seemed to be a day old pretzel, spent $427 dollars, then felt better when I saw the price tag on some Manilow merchandise. Good god, I'm pretty sure the sweatshirt/poster combination cost more than my college tuition.

Quick rundown of the Section 118 roster:
Backwards Hat Lacrosse Kid, with his Mom - This was stunning to me, but we'll get back to him in a second.
Five Flailing Females in the Front Row - Elaine danced better than them.
Scott Van Pelt lookalike with his Crazy Wife - Her level of enthusiasm made others look like they were in a coma.
A mixed bag of ages, races, sexes - Apparently, Manilow brings the world together.

The man of the hour hits the stage to a TREMENDOUS ovation. The last time the MCI Center exploded like that, the Mystics were shattering the WNBA single season attendance record.

I'll give it to Barry, he really knows how to work the crowd. I was gonna start this post by joking that Manilow present day looks like Clay Aiken 30 years from now, but Barry did the bit himself. I'll give this to him - he's not afraid to laugh at himself. He beat me to the elevator music/easy listening crack as well. Then he lets on that he started his career doing commercial jingles, two of which we all know - State Farm (Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...) and Band-Aid (I am stuck on Band-Aid, 'cause Band-Aids stuck on me...). I mean, is this guy a powerhouse or what?

Quick aside: You would've thought this was a WWE event with the amount of signs being held up. Best sign of the night - "Manilow Makes Me Moist" (OK, so I made that one up, but come on, how good is that alliteration?)

Solid hour of tunes from Barry, then a quick intermission. The second hour of Manilow was even better (yep, I was sucked in), however it was initially trumped by Backwards Hat Kid. Inexplicably, he gets up, mumbles something to Mom, and moves two rows down, laying serious game on the youngest of the Flailing Females. I mean, wow. This was impressive. Curt Schilling might group him with Brandon Arroyo as having "balls the size of Saturn". I do believe it led to some making out in the Uecker seats later on during "Copacabana".

Very solid second hour (gave us back-to-back-to-back smash hits), good encore, well worth the money. Hey Barry, where can I sign up for this Maniloonies fan club, or is it the Fanilow fan club?

You know what, I'm wondering if Mike Swint found his way to the MCI Center last night. If so, did I miss anything?

I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs 

He Writes the Songs the C.O.s Sing

I've never quite understood this obsession with "creative" sentences by judges. If people break the law, just fine them or send them to jail, whatever the statute dictates. Don't decide they need to clean billboards 100 feet above the highway or cross stitch Bea Arthur's mug on a hundred afghans. Isn't that why sentencing guidelines were created in the first place?

Well, no one listens to me, obviously. I've come across yet another judge who thinks he has just the right quirky punishment to fit the crime. Fort Lupton, Colorado Judge Paul Sacco is sentencing noise ordinance violators to listen to Barry Manilow music as punishment. Violators of the city's noise ordinance are sentenced to one-hour music "emersion sentences". I'll let the judge explain:

"When you have a person that's been playing rap let's say at extreme volumes all over the city and they have to sit down and they have to listen for an hour to Barry Manilow -- it's horrible punishment," Sacco said.

It's no secret I love me some Barry, so frankly I think the judge can piss off. But his Highness claims the punishment is working because there are very few repeat offenders. My guess is that has as much to do with the choice of music as it does the fact violators are not allowed to eat, drink or read during said "punishment", but what the hell do I know.

Judge Sacco, I hope you realize all you're doing is creating a Universal Soldier-esque breed of degenerate Maniloonies.