Mother's Day zGift Ideas

TR recently lamented that he has to come up with a lot of gifts for Tiara over a relatively short time span every year.  He's especially busy this year so he probably doesn't have time to come up with ideas and it wouldn't surprise me if you're similarly situated.  Luckily for you I'm really good at gift ideas--just ask your mother.  Here are a few you should consider that worked out well for me.

Ember coffee mug

Yes, this seems stupid.  Who needs a $100 heated coffee mug that you control from your phone?  It turns out lots of women do.  zwoman drinks her coffee really slowly so she ends up microwaving it twice throughout the course of the morning.  Her friends are envious of her Ember mug, which makes her enjoy it even more.  I did well with this one.

PhoneSoap

Your phone is filthy.  You use it in the bathroom, you let your kids use it, you fiddle with it while you're walking the dog or mowing the lawn or fixing your car or running or whatever else you do with dirty hands.  You should clean it from time to time.  PhoneSoap is a case that shines UV light on both sides of the phone and you can charge it in there too.  UV light is commonly used to purify water because it destroys DNA--even the Australians use it!  Again, this sounds silly but it was well-received.

Sneakers

Ladies is pimps too and you should help style them accordingly.  Like this if they're sporty and hip, or like this if they're preppy and crisp, or like this if they're French.

Toto Washlet

Yeah I said it.  And I've been saying it for a while.  Everyone needs a Toto Washlet.  You know who wasn't seriously affected by the toilet paper shortage?  zfamily, because we're one-wipe-done after the Toto takes care of business.  I haven't researched Washlets in a while but my friend's wife asked me to help her pick one out for his birthday and I steered her towards the C200.  She installed it herself as a surprise so you should be able to install one too.  Key features are remote control (as opposed to controls mounted on the side of the seat), oscillating nozzle (oscillating is yooodge), heated water, and heated seat.  Once a woman uses a heated toilet seat she can't go back.  zwoman's homegirls always rave about our warm seat and never pass up a chance to sit on it.  Floss the butt crack, make you shiny, spiffy in a jiff indeed.

A Marlin

Everyone should have a mechanical watch.  The Timex Marlin comes in various sizes and functionalities, and this 34 mm three-hander is great for a woman's wrist.  Swap out the leather strap for a metal bracelet to make it sportier or a nylon NATO to make it more adventurous.  The funky Arabic numerals let you do a lot style-wise, and who doesn't want 34 mm of Marlin in their lives?

Don't Sue Your Customers, Alternatively Titled "Jeffrey Loria is the Least Gheorghe Man Alive This Week"

Law school provides almost zero practical knowledge. I gleaned the most useful nugget, in terms of real-world utility, in my trademarks course: Don't sue your customers. If you sue your customers they won't like you, and if they don't like you they won't be your customers anymore, in which case you'll have no sales and you'll go out of business.

My favorite example of this rule in application is the drug store. Go into any big chain pharmacy and you'll see stuff like this:

On the left are Gillette Venus Tropical ladies' razors. On the right are CVS ladies' razors. Both razors are pink and feature tropical packaging. Gillette, of course, came up with this marketing angle first and CVS knocked it off. They did the same to Schick:

Why do Gillette and Schick tolerate this blatant trade dress infringement? Because CVS buys shitloads of their razors, and if they antagonize CVS then they won't sell as many shitloads of their razors. Here's another egregious example:

Things get pretty brazen in the OTC pharmaceutical space. Not only are the CVS generic products presented in almost identical packaging to the branded product, the CVS boxes say stuff like "Compare to the active ingredient in Prilosec OTC" or "Compare to the active ingredients in Vicks DayQuil."

Not even vaporizers are immune from these shenanigans. Check out this bootleg device:

Why does Procter & Gamble let this slide? Because just about everything P&G makes is purchased at pharmacies, and CVS is a really really big pharmacy chain. If P&G isn't down with CVS then someone else will put their heartburn pills and daytime cold dranks and cheap humidifiers on CVS's shelves.

Remarkably, Jeffrey Loria and the rest of the Miami Marlins ownership group don't seem to understand this basic business principle. I say this because, as rob noted previously, the Marlins sued season ticket holders who backed out of their ticket packages. Some backed out because, at least in part, the Marlins stopped giving them special amenities like private entrances and pole-position parking, amenities that were not included in the season ticket contract but that were promised during the verbal sales pitch.

Now I understand that a contract means what it says, that people put things in writing because they intend for both parties to live up to their promises, and that there have to be repercussions when people breach. So I get why the Marlins want to be made whole when a corporation bails on a luxury box. That said, what type of donkey-brained moron goes after individuals who buy two-seat packages? Especially when the team starts pulling back promised perks in order to save money. Not even Dan Snyder would be so stupid as to ... oh wait ... scratch that. Well, at least Snyder dropped the suit.

This is a remarkably short-sighted move by the Marlins. Fifty inch smart HD TVs cost less than $750 and they can be used to stream any live baseball game being played anywhere in the world. No one has to leave the comfort of their home to watch a game. There are also other things to do in Miami beyond watching baseball, like watching the Panthers/Dolphins/Heat, or actually playing sports in the year-round awesome weather, or boating/surfing/swimming/fishing in the ocean, or enjoying Miami's fantastic night life, or doing other things that you can do anywhere like read a book, go to the movies, Netflix and chill, etc. Why the hell should anyone give tens of thousands of dollars to some wealthy jackass who might very well sue you if you lose your job and don't have the disposable income to pay for baseball tickets?

So screw you Jeffrey Loria. You are the least Gheorghe man alive this week.

Good Seats Still (Always) Available

The Nationals and Marlins played a game last night, and no one came. No, seriously, check out this photo via @moneymetalcakes twitter feed. I mean, why do they even bother having an upper deck at Sun Life Stadium?

I would love to laugh at the Marlins' and their joke fan support, but then I remember a post like this from a Nats home game last year, and just shake my head at the shared fan indifference:

Nats and Marlins home baseball, catch the excitement. And sit wherever you'd like.