The tragedy of her death isn't my concern here, nor do I wish to rail against the inherent dangers in extreme tourism . . . in fact, I love adventure travel and I've tried my best to get myself and my wife killed in many exotic locales, but the demise of Laura Failla makes me aware that I need to be better prepared when I travel. I need to be prepared that I might be eaten by a predator, and I need to consider what kind of predator I would like to be eaten by. Of course, a determination such as this can effect your vacation plans, because you can only travel to locations with the kinds of predators by which you wouldn't mind being eaten. I'm guessing you haven't reflected on this important topic much, so here are a few ideas to get you started.
As a bare minimum, it's got to be an animal that sounds good when people say the phrase: Did you hear about Dave? He got eaten by a ___________.
Let's try this with saltwater crocodile. "Did you hear about Dave? He got eaten by a saltwater crocodile."
That's not bad, but there are better. Here are my top seven, in reverse order for dramatic effect.
7. Piranha.
A shitload of piranha. "Did you hear about Dave? He was kayaking down the Amazon and he gotten eaten by a shitload of piranha."
That's got a nice ring to it.
6. Great White Shark.
Good for a dramatic pause. Did you hear about Dave? He was surfing and he got eaten by a shark . . . a great white shark.
5. Mountain lion.
Did you hear about Dave? He was biking and a mountain lion pounced on him and ate him. I admit that the sentence is a little clunky, but I love mountain lions-- they are powerful, agile, and American-- and wouldn't mind providing a meal for one, even if the description of my death isn't as poetic sounding. That's how much I love those guys.
4. Polar Bear or Grizzly Bear.
Either one sounds awesome, but their hybrid, the Pizzly Bear, is NOT acceptable. If people would promise to call it the much cooler sounding "grolar bear," then I wouldn't mind, but I don't want my name in this series of questions: "Did you hear about Dave? He got mauled and eaten by a pizzly bear? Is that some kind of stuffed toy? How did it kill him?"
3. Thylacine.
If you're not familiar with the "Tasmanian Tiger," check out the footage below and read David Quammen's excellent book Song of the Dodo: Island Biogeography in an Age of Extinctions.
Getting killed and eaten by a marsupial predator that is thought to be extinct is a sure-fire way to have a long celebrated death: "Did you hear about Dave? He got eaten by a thylacine!"
2. Yeti.
Even better than being killed and eaten by something thought-to-be extinct, is to be killed and eaten by something that never existed at all. Who could forget this story?
"Did you hear about Dave? He was hiking in Nepal and he was abducted by a band of yeti. They ate him. The yeti ate him! And, even more fantastic, is that the word "yeti" is both singular and plural!"
1. Tiger.
Why? Because moments ago I asked my son Alex what animal he'd most like to be eaten by, and this was his answer. When I asked him why he would like to be eaten by a tiger, he simply said, "Big."
He's usually more garrulous than this, but he had just woken up moments before, and I could tell from his expression when I asked him the first question, that he had not reflected on this very important topic, and that's the point of this post.
You need to think about this now and choose your vacation spots wisely. You don't want to end up in a sentence like this: "Did you hear about Dave? He got eaten by wood lice. It's a real shame."
Yes it is a shame. Yes it is.
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