Happy Halloween AND Happy NBA Opening Night

Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?

I mentioned this to Mark a few weeks back, but is anyone else getting a Jonathon Moxon-vibe from Gators freshman QB sensation Tim Tebow. Well, I am...and if Chris Leak goes down in the first half (or if Urban Meyer pulls a Parcells and goes for the more mobile QB), I'm pretty sure this is what the Gators locker room will look like at halftime...

Countdown to Cocktails

More accurately, it's the countdown to "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" in Jacksonville, FL this weekend (shame on the networks for giving into the schools' demands to not mention the game's title during the telecast) . For the unitiated, the WLOCP is the annual Florida/Georgia football game/booze-addled revelry fest, currently 46-36-2 in the Dawgs favor. This blogosphere will be sending a crack unit comprised of Drunk and Stupid's author Mark, Jeppy from the Wheelhouse, Greg, Salts and yours truly. A good time will most certainly be had by all. I leave here on the 4:20 train to BWI (yep, not a joke at all...just me and the entire papal electoral college) and will be in Jacksonville by 8:45. Somebody pick me up...

"IF I did kill her, it was because I loved her too much..."

That bastion of journalistic integrity, the National Enquirer, is reporting my good friend Orenthal James Simpson is planning to pen a "hypothetical" book about the grisly murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her helpful waiter friend Ron, in which the Juice "speculates" on what might've happened the night he caught Nicole and Ron smooching, and got so upset he fucking beheaded them. The tentative book title: "If I Did It". I honestly don't even have a joke here.

"Not so fast, my friend..."

I will once again be working the short week down here at the Duff Plant. Tomorrow I am off to
Tallahassee for a work conference, and in checking the conference schedule, I was quite excited (and frankly surprised) to see who the keynote dinner speaker is tomorrow night...I hope to god he throws on a mascot head...

NFL Week 7 Cardinals/Raiders Preview, courtesy of YouTube

Hide the women and children (and A-Rod)...

"You tell 'em I'm coming...and Hell's coming with me, you hear?...Hell's coming with me!"

Frankly, it just ain't the same without Reggie Sanders

Why the love for Reggie Sanders you ask? Well, prior to the 2006 postseason, Reginald Laverne Sanders had been a staple of the new millenium's playoffs (only missing out in 2003 when he grabbed a million dollar paycheck and produced this line for the Pirates - .285/31 HR/87 RBI/15 SB). Reggie is by no means Derek Jeter in the playoffs (come on Rob...you know you want at it), but he has had his moments for the Braves, Diamondbacks, Giants, and Cardinals over the last 5 postseasons, even grabbing a ring in 2001 with Arizona (Cards fans might also remember his 10 RBI NLDS against the Padres last year). All right, enough Reggie love (not the Dukie), some playoff quick hits while I try to figure out how to get Reggie on a League Championship roster...

A's/Twins - Yes, it's never a good idea to drop the first two games of a best-of-five at home, especially when the best pitcher in the game starts Game 1. But, BUT, realize this folks, the Oakland A's are the biggest bunch of choking dogs we've seen since, well, the 2004 Yankees (god damn it pains me to write that). Aside from the rejuvenated Frank Thomas, that A's lineup is still punchless (unless Uncle Milty throws a real punch at Ken Macha) and it's not like being at home in Oakland is a huge advantage. The Twins certainly aren't helping themselves throwing a guy with a torn labrum and a stress fracture in Game 3, but Brad Radke just might have one left in him. This must be pointed out - Oakland has lost the last 9 games in which it had an opportunity to clinch a postseason series, which just happens to be a major league record (thanks Elias Sports Bureau). And the real kicker: only one team in history has won the first two games on the road in a best-of-five series (just like these A's) and lost. You wanna take a guess who? That's right, the 2001 A's blew a 2-0 series lead against the Yankees (if I remember correctly, that might be the year of the Jeter play). I'm taking Minnesota in 5.

Yankees/Tigers - God damn frisky Tigers and their god damn old school, doesn't-give-a-shit manager. I thought Justin Verlander might cry yesterday when Leyland yanked him. Now we have a tie series, and Detroit thinks they're going to win this thing. Battle of the creaky (and cranky) lefties in Game 3 tonight - Randy Johnson for the Yanks and Kenny Rogers for the Tigers. You know the Yankees bullpen will be needed tonight, perhaps very early, and that is a major problem. Hey Mike Myers, if you can't even get a left-hander out, especially one who hit .238 after the All Star break, why don't you just miss the flight? We don't need you. It's not even worth my time to join the thousands behind the woodshed pummeling Alex Rodriguez, but it sure as hell would be nice if he got a meaningful hit sometime in this post-season, perhaps before it's too late (he's hitless in his past 14 postseason ABs with runners in scoring position). I still think Yankees in 4 (and Yanks in 6 in ALCS against Twins), but I'm alot more worried now than I was yesterday at lunchtime.

Mets/Dodgers - Seriously, can you have ANY faith in a Grady Little team winning a series, let alone coming from 0-2 down. Unlike with the A's and Twins, I don't think it's happening here, even with the Mets throwing [insert very unfunny mention of some Mets pitcher from the 70s as done by all other writers in past two days]. The "two guys tagged out at home" play was the death knell for the Dodgers. The Mets are sweeping this thing, and Tommy Lasorda is running over Little in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium after Game 3 (by accident of course, because he's old as hell). By the way, star of this post Reggie Sanders has absolutely NOTHING on the ancient Kenny Lofton, who is so old it looks like he can barely hold up the bat. Lofton has played in 81 playoff games in his career, but has nothing to show for it, and that ain't changing this year.

Cardinals/Padres - Hmmm, stumble into the postseason like Akroyd dressed as Santa Claus and all of a sudden you're up 2-0 against a team relying on the likes of Russell Branyan and Geoff Blum...this thing is O-V-E-R. San Diego is hitting .164 in the series. The Padres have 10 total hits (Albert Pujols has 5 all by himself). Simply put, the Pads are the Cards' prison bitch in the playoffs: 0-5 against them the last 2 years, soon to be 0-6. Unfortunately, this resurgence by St. Louis might make more douchebags like Bill Plaschke gush over Tony LaRussa. A final cautionary note - I know Jeff Weaver looked like Cy Young out there yesterday. Try to remember, this is Jeff Weaver. The moment Jeff Weaver has to pitch a significant game in a pressure situation, oh I don't know, like in Shea against the Mets, he will come apart quicker than Michal Douglas in Falling Down. So enjoy the calm and composed Weaver for now, the meltdown is most definitely coming. Cards sweep, lose to Mets in 5 in NLCS.
*****
Updates from last week: Notre Dame stayed on track and should win this week 77-0, the Jets did indeed put up a heck of a fight and are at least the second-best team in the AFC East, and "Vanished" produced a fantastic episode before their playoff-induced hiatus.

Thursdays with Maury

"I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"

New York Yankees skipper Joe Torre discusses tonight's ALDS match-up against the Detroit Tigers with Game 1 starter Chien-Ming Wang. (GTB/File/Wang)

Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Today is my last day in the office for the week (yes, a very grueling two day work week, with zippy to show for it...it's what we in the biz call a "Whitney Week"). I am off to Denver for work, but a few thoughts before I go....

Hold off on greenlighting "Subway Series 2: When Nature Calls". Despite what many in the media see as a foregone conclusion, the Yankees and the Mets are not a lock to meet in the World Series. With the Tigers clinching the other day, the Twins clinching yesterday, and the A's basically in, it's not a stretch to say the Yankees will have the worst starting pitching of all the AL playoff teams. News that old man Johnson will miss his start Thursday has me even more concerned. Yes, the Yankee line-up is unbelievably stacked, but it's not going to do them a world of good if Mussina and Johnson get bombed early. Johan Santana scares the hell out of me in a short series. I'm sure Jerry and Whit will be dissecting the NL playoffs in greater detail soon, but I'll just say that with Pedro banged up and the Padres looking like a lock for the playoffs I would be concerned as a Mets fan right now. Sure, the Mets line-up is every bit as potent as the Yankees' (if not more), but that Padres pitching staff is damn good (second in the league in ERA, potential Hall of Fame closer, great set-up guys). Short series are scary, and the best team doesn't always win...here's hoping (for my sake) the Yankees and Mets can fight past their pitching deficiencies, but don't be surprised if we get Detroit or Minnesota or Oakland vs. San Diego in the World Series a month from now (yep, I completely discounted whoever the other two NL playoff teams are...you should too).

We might be witnessing an epic meltdown by the St. Louis Cardinals. A week ago the Cards had the NL Central in the bag, leading the Astros by 7 games. Then they traveled to Houston and forgot how to play baseball. Today, their lead is 2.5, with the Astros winning six straight and St. Louis losing 6 straight. Included in both those streaks is the Astros bludgeoning of St. Louie over the weekend. The Cards finish with San Diego and Milwaukee at home, while Houston is on the road facing Pittsburgh and Atlanta. This is the kind of late season skid that gets baseball writers all jonsed to tell us kids about the 1964 Philadelphia Phillies, who had a 6.5 game lead with 12 to play, but managed to close out the year 2-10 and miss the playoffs. The good people of St. Louis hope a similar collapse can be avoided...but I'm not sure it can. If Chris Carpenter loses tonight, it could be all over.

The NY Jets, despite two brutal upcoming games, will be a sleeper in the AFC playoff picture. Sure, the Patriots, despite their shortcomings, will most likely win the AFC East yet again, but after three weeks I don't see any reason why the Jets can't hang around in the AFC playoff picture for awhile. In their own division, Miami and Buffalo are terribly flawed, and once NY gets this two game Indianapolis-Jacksonville stretch out of the way they play the Dolphins and Lions at home and the Browns on the road, prior to a Week 9 Bye. I honestly see them entering their Week 7 bye at 4-4 or (hushed tone) 5-3, and who knows from there. This is the NFL, this type of shit happens every year, some atrocious team from the year before rights the ship and makes a playoff run. Pennington's health is always a concern, and they need some consistency from the running game, be it Kevan Barlow or some combination of Barlow and the other RB donkeys (I'm looking at you Derrick Blaylock, Leon Washington and Cedric Houston), but overall I feel pretty good about what I've seen from Eric Mangini's boys (the defense in particular has been a turnover-forcing machine).

Notre Dame, after their stirring comeback Saturday night, will be 10-1 when they play USC November 25th. I know, back to back homer beliefs, but just look at the upcoming schedule: Purdue, Stanford, UCLA, Navy, North Carolina, Air Force and Army. Not exactly a murderers row of opponents. Purdue looks great...as the MAC champ. Stanford's been outscored 156-63 so far this year. Hell, ND has beaten Navy something like 42 straight times and if it weren't for Colorado the Tar Heels might be the worst 1-A team in the country. Despite that nationally televised ass-kicking they took at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame MIGHT be playing for a shot at the national title when they face the Trojans. I'm just preparing you now...get ready for alot of Notre Dame fellating in the press (I'll try to limit it to a few reach-arounds here at GTB).

"blog already, you malcontent"

Sure, those words were originally directed at Whitney, but hey, if the shoe fits...

Nah, nothing can be worse than the Ohio State debacle...
Boy was I wrong. Really, really wrong. Part of my silence this week has been caused by the absolute thrashing Notre Dame took at the hands of Michael Jack's Michigan squadron, at home no less. 11 penalties, 5 turnovers, and countless DBs grasping at air. 47 points surrendered. Brady Quinn looking one part Bledsoe, one part Leaf. Mario Manningham channeling Anthony Carter. That guy Prescott Burgess on Michigan is a beast - 6'4", 250 and all over the field. At least with the Fiesta Bowl last year, I had a sense Ohio State was the better team, but Saturday I had truly talked myself into thinking ND was unstoppable (sorry to hammer this home...but especially at home). Silly, silly me. Ohio State dropped 34 on the Irish, Michigan 47. Charlie Weis better get these guys straightened out fast...Michigan State is not afraid of the Irish (flag-planting a-holes).

"He's got electric boots..a mohair suit...you know I read it in a magazine..."
Pennie and the Jets...Pennie, Pennie and the Jets. Well, the one solace in sitting on my couch for 14 hours Sunday, recovering from both the Irish shocker and my absurd hangover, was the last 20 minutes of the Jets/Pats game. I know I was ready to bury these guys before the season ever began, but then, they go on the road and beat Tennessee (yes, the do suck, but you take a W anyway you can) and show some serious fire against the Pats in the second half Sunday. It's only two games, but I like what I'm seeing from the offense, in particular Pennington and 3rd year wideout Jerricho Cotchery. 2 games, 12 catches, 186 yards, 9 first downs, 2 TDs (and if you haven't seen highlights of Cotchery or Coles TDs from Sunday, they were sweet). Obviously, if Chad's arm falls off against Buffalo next week, this season is shot to hell, but the rebuilt offensive line is performing adequately, the defense ain't the nightmare it was last year, so far (watch Jonathan Vilma if and when the Jets are on TV again...he is awesome) and Eric Mangini hasn't looked like the second coming of Rich Kotite just yet. The Motor City Madman Mike Nugent decided to actually make some kicks this week, so that's a bonus. I don't know if Drew is still stopping by GTB, but this week's Jets/Bills game is actually pretty big. With Daunte Culpepper submarining the Dolphins season, the Bills or Jets just might give New England a fight (I am leaning more towards the Bills). All I know is the Jets don't currently belong in the conversation of sustained sucktitude, with the Raiders and Packers and Browns, and that's good enough for me.

He's the Julio Franco of the NFL...
You know you have a serious place kicking situation when you are signing a 46 year old who hasn't played in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE since 2004. Well, the Falcons are apparently in just such a situation, as they have signed Morten Andersen to take over kicking duties in Atlanta. Good luck to the Danish American Football Federation Hall of Fame's most famous inductee.

From the "What a horrendous idea" file...
You know, if I had a friend or client with a serious drug problem, I could think of numerous qualified people they should talk to. Well, Clive Davis has apparently taken another approach, because when he sought a mentor for crackhead Whitney Houston, he dialed up Courtney Love. I haven't seen a pairing this destined for failure since Van Damme and Rodman in "Double Team".

Wait, so she’s Vanished, but he’s been Kidnapped? And these are different programs how?
This is the first Fall TV season for me and my DVR, and let me tell you, it’s fucking fantastic. EXCEPT for the fact network TV has decided to completely throw in the towel and produce the same exact shows (at least the titles are slightly different). Fox has been delivering the goods right now with Vanished, but tonight I need to forget all about Senator Collins and Agent Kelton so I can figure out who the hell kidnapped Timothy Hutton’s boy (good to see Delroy Lindo is still around). At least those two shows are on different networks – the suits at NBC just said "F it" and are giving us two behind the scenes SNL-type shows, Studio 60 and 30 Rock. Studio 60 showed serious promise the other night, and without seeing even a second of 30 Rock I wonder how long any series with Tracy Morgan in a starring role can last.

And, if you missed it yesterday, welcome back Peter Gammons

I know, I know...this is not what I promised...

...but anytime you get a chance to make fun of an egomaniacal world leader in deteriorating health (especially this guy), you jump over to YouTube and capitalize. Apparently, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il is all sorts of messed up (can't walk because of diabetes), and really, could it have happened to a nicer guy? I say "No". GTB has obtained this footage of Kim, apparently from a better time, when he could walk and stuff:

More to come later, but I couldn't resist

NEW YORK (Reuters) - El Nino, an extreme warming of equatorial waters in the Pacific Ocean that wreaks havoc with world weather conditions, has formed and will last into 2007, the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said on Wednesday.

"I am El Nino. Yo soy El Nino. For those of you who don't habla espanol, El Nino is Spanish for: The Nino."

Happy Birthday...You Suck

Born September 7th, 1972, this major league "closer" is determined to kill at least one geriatric Cardinals' fan a game. A proud graduate of Lewis & Clark Community College (Nickname...the Trailblazers) , Jason Isringhausen was born 34 years ago today in Brighton, Illinois. He has pummeled my fantasy team, and has Cardinals fans extremely worried anytime he enters a ballgame. I honestly think he might be as bad as Ryan Dempster. Cardinals fans should turn away now:

10 blown saves on the year
8 losses
A 1.46 WHIP (38 walks in 58 innings)

Interesting (and final) note, Jason's middle name is Derik. Nice spelling douchebag. Happy Birthday...You Suck

Update: Someone on the interweb REALLY likes Izzy...

Who set the time circuits for 1994?

All of a sudden, I'm watching TV, I'm reading ESPN.com, and I could swear it's 1994 all over again. Sure, we're probably not getting any days as stunning (the 12th of June) or entertaining (the 17th of June) as in 1994, but there are some fellas (and teams) in the news certainly making me think it was '94 all over again...

But first, a quick recap of 1994 (in other words, I need some filler). 1994 gave us Buffalo losing yet another Super Bowl, Hakeem's Dream Warriors beating the Knicks (some might say John Starks actually beat the Knicks) and [ ] winning the World Series. Oh yeah, that's right, there was no fucking World Series in 1994...stupid cocksuckers...not that I'm bitter...

'94 gave me time to make out during Schindler's List (wait, that wasn't me) before packing for my Freshman year of college...AND my trip to Williamsburg was delayed by a bunch of faux-hippy crunchy-granolas with daddy's credit card clogging the NY State Thruway to catch Woodstock '94. Somehow I don't think a Woodstock headlined by Green Day and Nine Inch Nails quite captures the spirit of the original. Maybe that's just me...

Anyway, back to my original premise - the guy that really made me think we all jumped in the DeLorean with Doc Emmett Brown was on the USA Network last night, supplying one of the more entertaining tennis matches I've ever seen. Yes, it's true I watch tennis about as often as Woody Paige makes a lucid point, but that's not the issue here. The same guy who came off wrist surgery in 1994 to win the U.S. Open over Michael Stich (Agassi was unseeded no less) now has everyone thinking (maybe hoping and dreaming would be more accurate) he can do it again in 2006. Andre Agassi's first two matches have been highly entertaining, and in fact, have been the kind of must-see-TV that makes me as a fan feel as exhausted as the guys playing. As Jerry mentioned this morning, there's was also a certain WWE feel to the match last night, and that's never a bad thing (Baghdatis' leg cramps had Vince Russo written all over it). Here's hoping Andre can hang on for one more match at least, so we can see him match-up with Andy Roddick, who, by the way, was 12 in 1994.

The Oakland Raiders never cease to amaze me. Earlier this week Lazarus Davis signed Jeff George to QB his team to glory, glory being 4-12 of course. Don't think for a second that George won't be replacing Aaron Brooks sometime in Week 2, attempting to recreate the success of his extremely productive '94 campaign, in which he threw for 3,734 yards and 23 TDs in the run-and-shoot offense of current Hawaii coach June Jones. Of course, George will also most likely be released sometime after Week 6 when he challenges Art Shell to a street brawl.

Back in 1994, there was much hope in Jet-land. After the less-than-impressive Bruce Coslet era, a new young coach was going to lead the Jets to the promised land. Sure, it might be an uphill climb, but he had the enthusiasm and smarts to get it done. Well, Pete Carroll went 6-10, got himself canned, and worst of all, ushered in the Rich Kotite era in NY. Be very afraid Eric Mangigi, be very afraid (I know I am)...by the way, the stars of the 1994 NY Jets. Boomer Esiason and Johnny Johnson. I have no clue how these guy's managed 6 wins.

One last item - I'm flipping by espn2 last night, and who's batting 5th for the Mets? Julio Franco. Julio Franco was already 35 in 1994, folks. He was 8th in the MVP voting that year. Julio Franco is now 47 years old and looks in better shape than 80% of the guys in baseball.

It wouldn't be a TJ post without your obligatory YouTube clip...special 1994 edition

How did I not know about this?

San Diego Padres pitcher Jake Peavy is legally blind without contact lenses? Really? That is ridiculous. A major league pitcher is blind as a bat without his contacts? It's going to be pretty hard to criticize Jake in the future...I'll just assume he gave up that game winning gopher ball because he got dirt in his contact and couldn't see the pitcher's sign...or the batter. How the hell hasn't he drilled a guy in the head yet? (maybe he has...I don't even think retrosheet can help me there) So far this year Jake is a pedestrian 7-12 with a 4.35 ERA for the Pads...but hell, the guy's blind, so that's pretty damn good if you ask me.

I am too hungover to type

Update: This is how good I feel...

Kuselias Smash!

This is the kind of post you get when me, Geoff and Whitney have lunch at the Dubliner. As I settle in for a delicious French Dip and tater tots, I gaze up at the TV to see a stirring Cold Pizza debate between Woody Paige and Eric Kuselias (apparently Skip Bayless was needed back in Hell). You might know Kuselias as the terribly annoying fill-in host on Mike and Mike in the Morning (or, if you're lucky, you have no clue who this no talent ass clown is). Anyway, I look at Kuselias and realize immediately who he looks like...Lou Ferigno, yes, the Incredible Hulk. I'm telling you, I'm not crazy, check it out:











Special Bonus: I have obtained footage of what happened when Mike Golic dared to upset Kuselias on last Friday's show...

K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies presents...

While I'm sure the interweb will be inundated with instant analysis of the bloodletting that just occurred in Boston (someone make sure Jim Caple and Bill Simmons are still alive), I thought I'd avoid having to actually come up with any creative prose and just let the clip above do the recap for me. Wanna take a guess which guy is the Red Sox?