Gheorghe Website of the Week

As you may have seen from Whit's rantings, the Sports Grinder got himself unceremoniously dumped from the very prestigious Links to the right. Well, I figured who better to replace the Grinder then our very own Dennis, who seems to be starting something up over here. His work will be up on the Links momentarily, and as you can see by visiting Dennis' work, he is one post short of tying Hot Action and apparently better off then Duffman Speaks, which Blogger says no longer exists. Good work Dennis. You have been awfully quiet lately though...you worried that whitey extreme Lee Rice-a-roni is going to spaz out and chestbump Coach K to death? That guy is a complete donkey spaz. That's right, a donkey spaz.

Uncanny

Budweiser has introduced its latest marketing ploy, the retro can. The first edition, in grocery stores now, is a facsimile of the Bud can circa 1936, gold with stars and the black eagle claw. In short, you can sum up this design in one word: Nazi. Truly, this can would look most apropos in the clutches of Heinrich Himmler at an SS happy hour. Check it out at www.budweiser.com when you click on RETRO. And here I thought Adolph Coors and his klan (sic) had the market cornered on macro-swill served with a side of neo-Nazism.

Bud, it's the Fuhrer of Beers. Next Up: The James Earl Ray signature edition.

Go pick me out a winner Bobby

Hi, Barry Bonds, meet Defensive. Defensive, Barry Bonds. Wow, Mr. Bonds had a lot to spew yesterday, but I'll give him credit for one thing - he at least said things at the interview, unlike Giambi, who held a press conference to hone his mime skills.

Maryland is fucking terrible. Seriously, losing a late February home game to Clemson? Come on. These guys define Bubble Team.

Awesome LSU/Alabama game last night, and not just because I laughed my ass off everytime Rick Majerus said "Bama" (That might be a joke for 3). Right now, LSU is the exact opposite of those corpses in College Park, having beaten Florida and the Crimson Tide in back to back games.

Dennis and his Dukies better watch out tonight. Georgia Tech is playing for their tournament life, at home, with a steadily improving BJ Elder at the helm.

Is there anyone other than Michael Jack watching this MTV Sweet 16 show? It is fucking train wreck TV, and it is fantastic.

Whit, second half of the NBA season starts tonight for Les Boulez - 30 games until the Wiz secure a home playoff series.

Hey, Jim Tracy, if Milton Bradley says he's the starting CF for the Dodgers, and not JD Drew, I suggest you let him be the starting CF for the Dodgers. Unless you want Milton to bloody you and leave you for dead in Compton.

Paris Hilton's new boyfriend is also named Paris. Now isn't that fucking cute.

GTB Website of the Day (submitted by Philly Phanatic Stevie Franchise) - www.tradefreddie.com - Apparently, this loudmouth no talent is not very well liked. Shocker. Don't miss out on the bib for $7.99 - it seems like a real steal (it's a shame it being Philly and all there aren't any anal bibs for sale, I was sure there would be a market).

The Missing Link

The Sports Grinder has, in his last few posts, assured us that "the NHL season is ain't happening" (mixed emotions?), gone political a la The Cartwheel but in a severely misguided way, and delivered 300 words on Peter Angelos that fell short of having a point, and more importantly, didn't include "douche," "prick," or "son of a bitch."

He has no Gheorghe link, so why exactly would we be linking to this site? By noon, we won't be.

We'll give the masses free TJ, but we won't highlight places just as shabby as the mess here.

Wild n' Wonderful

Oh man. You haven't lived til you experience back to back nights of women's basketball in the great state of West Virginia. The undercard for this event was Tucker County High School - senior night. Not only were the two seniors on the team honored, but as a reward for good behavior, the crowd was also treated with witnessing the largest cheerleader in recorded history receive her black and gold plaque. And I'm not just talking about the cheerleader we've all seen that has to wear the different style uniform because the regular ones don't fit. Think "Shallow Hal" Gwyneth in the Daisy Dukes here. Note also that there were only 3 cheerleaders on the whole squad. But, alas, it didn't matter, because the crowds in WV aren't really worried about spirit or rooting the team on to victory. Their main concern is screaming obscenities at the refs, spitting tobacco in the bleachers - yes wooden bleachers still in the gym, and reminiscing about the 10-point buck they killed the day before. No wonder I like going to these games - especially the cursing at the refs bit . . .

The main event was some Big East college hoops: WVU v. G-town. This was surprisingly entertaining. Some chicks can actually play basketball it turns out. The best part, however, was being curiously arroused by a shooting guard named Meg Bulger who plays for the Mountaineers. That's sister to former WVU standout Kate Bulger and, most notably, sister to one Marc Bulger. Check out the link below. Although being built somewhat like Marc, and could more than likely kick my ass, she was strangely delicious . . .

http://www.msnsportsnet.com/profile.cfm?id=100564&sport=wbball

A.M. Ale Turns To P.M. Panic

I promised a recap (and really, since no one reads this, I'm sure there's not a clamoring for this recap, but anyway...), so here goes: The day drinking extravaganza was going splendidly, screwdrivers and Yuengling Lights with the 1986 classic "The Transformers: The Movie" (unbelievably, this is Orson Welles last film, I'm not kidding), a bottle of Riesling with the god squad send-up "Saved!" starring a dastardly Mandy Moore (and a crippled Macaulay Culkin), and multiple Natty Lights with Cuse/BC (and Hot Action founder Mike Swint and Wheelhouse icon Jerry). The evening even led to the VA bar TBD (Whitlow's in fact), where probably after just 45 minutes there I simply freaked out. Just freaked out. Maybe it was Josh Smith's dunks (or the energy drink flowing through the veins) but I just lost it. Couldn't maintain. Handed my beer to Jerry and left. Thought I was trying to crawl out of my own skin (like that scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge). 25 minutes later, I was praying to the Porcelain God for what would be the first of 6 trips. 6 trips to the Vomitorium in the next 8 hours. I crawled out of bed at 5pm Sunday for the first time. I am still hungover this morning, well over 48 hours later. Oh yeah, and because I puked more than an Olson twin after a trip to Golden Corral, everytime I swallow it feels like I'm washing down 30 thumb tacks. The lesson, as always: I am a complete idiot.

JJ is Dynooomite!!!

Too excited to talk about the game itself. Plus, I will receive too much ridicule for rooting for a team that's actually good. Yes, for some reason, it's become taboo to be a fan of a team that wins games. It's only cool to cheer for a bunch of bumbling dummies that can't succeed like Tribe hoops or Washington sports in general (don't get me wrong, though, I love those guys). Or you may cheer for the team that plays in the city from which you came - unless they become good, at which time, cheering for them is no longer acceptable. But, oh no, don't stand and cheer for teams because they display talent, discipline, and heart. No, there must be a reason, with clear physical evidence, admissable in a court of law, that you are eligible to root for that team. So, instead of defending the reasons why I am a Duke fan, I'll pick a more interesting topic that may get a chuckle out of the one or two people that read this. Let's think about the moment the tone for the game was set . . . it was on or about when the walk-on senior (name unimportant) with the butt-cut (and how many of these bad haircut walk-on guys does Duke carry on the roster anyways?) picked up 3 personal fouls in under one-minute of playing time by spazzing out on defense like he was wearing one of those electric shock collars. It was then followed up by something even more frightening. As the psycho tears off to the sideline after thankfully being pulled (picture one of those creepy 10-year old kids that strikes out in little league and then runs to the dugout as if he's being chased by stampeding bulls - yet still grinning like he's the f-ing cheshire cat) he stops on the way to his usual seat at the end of the bench to give Coack K the most energetic chest-bump ever seen on television. For a moment, I thought, my God, Coack K's gonna pass out again. But then, something odd happened. Coach K actually responds to this kid's enthusiasm and starts convulsing and jumping around with this spazoid bench-warmer like it's Hill and Laettner all over again. I mean, he's literally bouncing and shaking so profusely that his hair is bopping up and down, his head and neck are beet red and he can barely be restrained by Wojo and Dawkins. The wife nearly had to turn her head away from the TV it was so awkward. Yes, I make her watch the big games . . . Anyway, from that moment forward it was for JJ and the Devils, like it is for my boy TJ on most days . . .

A Whole New Meaning

to the phrase, "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup":

NEW YORK (Reuters) - The diners arrived at a nice Manhattan restaurant on a cold February night and stripped off coats, hats, gloves and scarves. They didn't stop there. Skirts, shirts, pants, underwear and stockings all ended up stashed in plastic bags by the bar as the patrons got naked for the monthly "Clothing Optional Dinner." "It's exciting to be in a restaurant nude," said George Keyes, 65, a retired junior high school English teacher.

I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy

Love me some Adam West. Anyway, by job, I mean guy who finds funny/entertaining/ridiculous stories on the internet and posts them here for you, my loyal reader (readers?). Page Six made it real easy for me today. I give you Michael Jackson, Weirdest Dude on the Planet:

The most lurid testimony to be heard in Michael Jackson's looming child molestation trial could concern the bizarre appearance of his penis. Private investigator Ernie Rizzo, who was hired by the family of the boy who accused Jackson of molestation in 1993, predicts that Jackson's latest alleged victim could provide damning testimony about the pop oddball's uniquely marked manhood. Rizzo, a former Chicago police detective who has seen photographs of Jackson's genitals taken by cops in 1993, claims that because Jackson "bleaches" his body twice a week, distinctive markings on his penis are visible when he is aroused.
"It looks like a barber's pole," Rizzo tells PAGE SIX. "That's exactly what it looks like. The first kid and all the other kids who have seen his penis know that there are brown circles around it."

Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

I got a big day tomorrow...a pretty nice little Saturday...starting with a party at 9am. Read that again. 9am. Apparently, someone (other than me) thought it wise to drink in excess on a weekend morning. I willingly jumped at this chance. The trick of course is to still be functional and coherent for a day of Bracket Busters college hoops and Cuse/BC at 6, followed by the big GTB/Wheelhouse crossover at a VA bar TBD. If I remember any of this misadventure, I'll attempt to recap from my room at Betty Ford Tuesday.

A.M. Ale. Because you can't wait until afternoon.
Dawn's the time when you wake, to the challenge of a brand new day
You're on your own when breakfast calls, you're tired of the same old way.

A.M. Ale!
When you need a friend, you don't ask questions,
never bother with how or why.
I need time, time to think
when you're watching the world go by.

Oh, if you start right, you feel right,
you can make your own rules!
If you live right you're alright
with a sip of the morning dew.

A.M. Ale!
For the thirst you've gotta feed.
A.M. Ale! It's the drink your body needs.

You can trust it with your secrets
it's a friend that understands.
When you need some answers,
just look at the bottle in your hand.
It's an A.M. Ale.

I call it...Petoria

Let me tell you, spending an entire day in database training is 100% pure poop...Much like Duke's performance in Blacksburg last night. Poor Dennis must be outta tissues after crying himself to sleep last night. Speaking of Dennis, I figured he might appreciate this:
Oldest fossil 'rabbit' unearthed
The fossilised skeleton of a rabbit-like creature that lived 55 million years ago has been found in Mongolia, Science magazine reports. Gomphos elkema, as it is known, is the oldest member of the rabbit family ever to be found.
"I WARNED you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little BUNNY, isn't it?"

To touch on something Whitney wrote yesterday, there is no more inconsistent team in college basketball than Maryland. And there is no worse foul shooter in college basketball than Marcus Jackson of Marquette. If anyone saw their utter collapse against Louisville last night they know what I'm talking about. He's a 39% shooter, and based on his form, he has a better chance of performing a quadruple bypass than sinking a free throw.

I received an email today from a Mr. Poon. We will be going to lunch Tuesday on the Underhill's tab.

I mean, if you haven't seen what Tom Sizemore is up to lately, you might want to check it out. There's your life falling apart, and than there's this. Tom, I've got Robert Downey, Jr. on hold for you.

Has anyone told Greg about this movie? I think the movie poster alone might make him die of laughter.

"That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!"
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - Howard Dean, the newly minted leader of the Democratic Party, and former Pentagon adviser Richard Perle made clear their opposing views on the war in Iraq during a debate marred by a protester who tossed a shoe at Perle. Perle had just started his comments Thursday when a protester threw a shoe at him before being dragged away, screaming, "Liar! Liar!"

Terrible Terrapins

I know Jay Bilas and the gang at ESPN have declared Maryland a "lock" to make the tournament based on two wins versus Duke, but I'm pretty sure if the Terps lose out to finish 15-12 and 6-10 in the ACC, they'll be eating those words. Of course, the Terps probably won't do that, but Gary's boys seem to turn in a sleepwalker every third game or so, and I refuse to believe they're a shoo-in yet. They lost by 19 last night in Raleigh to get swept this season by the Wolfpack -- who are 3-7 in the ACC when not playing Maryland. The Terps are 1-7 on the road this season. The Terps lost to Clemson (2-9 ACC). The Terps are lucky that the cockamamie ACC schedule (thanks to the new additions) dictates that they only have to play Wake Forest and Georgia Tech once each. I'm a Maryland fan and I'll keep cheering for them, but if I'm a committee member, those two wins against Duke do NOT suffice. If Gary Williams can't inspire his team to win at least two of the four remaining contests (at UVA, Clemson, UNC, at VPI), maybe even three, I see the NIT in Maryland's future.

You Play To Win The Game

Well, usuallly you do, but not these guys: Savannah State wrapped up a perfect season last night, losing to Florida A&M to finish 0-28 on the year. They lost by 23 points a game. Shannon Sharpe must be proud.

The Wiz laid an absolute egg last night, losing to the coach-less New Orleans Hornets. Oh, what's that you say, Byron Scott is still coaching there. Exactly. At least that crazy white guy Chris Andersen is fun to watch. What a loon.

Speaking of horrible losses, what the hell is Syracuse doing? Getting swept by Pitt is not gonna do you any favors on Selection Sunday Men of Boeheim (Peter King phrase). Worst of all, they wasted a career night by Wheelhouse fav Louie "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue" McCroskey.

I had a feeling this Michael Jackson case could be very entertaining, and if yesterday's news is any indication, I was right. Jackson's lawyers have 370 people on the witness list. 370! Take a look at some of these "witnesses":
Kobe Bryant (I mean, look your honor, if I can get away with unwanted anal, why can't Michael?)
Quincy Jones
Larry King (For my money, no one touches little boys better than Michael!)
Diana Ross
Elizabeth Taylor
Stevie Wonder (Your honor, I swear on my life, I've never seen Michael touch little boys.)
David Blaine
Deepak Chopra (Ghost writing a book with Michael entitled Date Younger, Live Longer)
Steve Harvey
Nick Carter (I'm still famous?)
Maury Povich
Steve Wynn (How the hell did I get on this list? Has anyone seen Trishelle?)

Happy Valentine's Day

from the Smoking Gun:
FEBRUARY 14--You'd be hard-pressed--on Valentine's Day no less!--to find more romantic news than this: Convicted boy lover Mary Kay LeTourneau and her former sixth-grade student have set an April wedding date. The 43-year-old LeTourneau, who spent more than seven years in jail for the rape of Vili Fualaau, is scheduled to tie the knot with her now 22-year-old lover on April 16, according to a Macy's wedding registry. TSG is tapped out, or we'd spring for that KitchenAid mixer ($249.99) or those Kate Spade drinking glasses ($20.00). However, we're not touching that $12.50 Villeroy & Boch pickle dish.

STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS

STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS JOSE CANSECO STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS JOSE CANSECO STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS HOLY SHIT JAMES BROWN IS STILL ALIVE? STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS HOLY SHIT IS THAT ROBERT BLAKE IN MONEY TRAIN WITH WESLEY AND WOODY? STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS

Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Oh, nothing but the best...You know what drives me nuts? I just got a burger for lunch at the cafeteria, and doused it in ketchup (as usual) but the ketchup that came out of the Heinz bottle was not in fact Heinz ketchup. Don't try to trick me minimum wage cafeteria employee - I can tell the difference. Ruined the whole damn burger for me. Bastards.

Lest anyone forget, this year, the Anaheim Angels will be called The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I couldn't even make that up. Worst...idea...ever. Good job Arte Moreno.

A commercial for the new run of Survivor claimed that this time, it would be the toughest yet, because the "contestants" would get "No Help Of Any Kind". Oh really, so on a show called Survivor, their toughest test is that they will not be given help surviving? Wow, what a reach. Glad it took ten incarnations of the show to really put the screws to 'em.

Jerry spoke highly of his work, and the guy is willing to take a shot at Butt, so I figured what the hell...the newest link to the right is The Sports Grinder. Enjoy. Speaking of those links, who do you think will be the first to post in 2005, Swint or Greg?

Thiss is a robri

It’s time for me to do what I do best (besides sit on a couch) and post some sort of absurd news story, before Rob has a chance to post another “Will and Grace visit the White House” episode. Without further ado, GTB’s Criminal of the Week Week Week (wow, I’m not only stealing Leno’s bit, I’m stealing Huggy Low Down’s too):

NEW YORK - Police in Nassau and Suffolk counties say they were able to tie at least 13 bank robberies to the same man because of the spelling errors in his hold-up notes.
Nassau County Police said Bart Thomas' hold-up notes misspelled the word "robbery", which he spelled "robri", and the word "quick", which he spelled "kwik."

Dragging the Discourse Down

It's not often that we shine Gheorghe's spotlight on the world of politics, mostly because our current national parties do a terrific job of making mockeries of themselves without our help. But I just couldn't let this one pass without comment. The truth is sooooo stranger than fiction. Let me see if I've got this right:

1. A "journalist" representing a small web-based news organization with unequivocal ties to conservative activist group GOPUSA is given a press pass to multiple White House media events, including a Presidential press conference;

2. Said "journalist" is called upon frequently by White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, and even once by President Bush, and responds by lobbing softball, partisan questions for the administration to crush into the cheap seats;

3. He received his press pass under a false identity, and...wait for it....;

4. ...despite numerous past anti-gay writings, turns out to be the proprietor of 3 different gay porn websites.

5. And, just for giggles, appears to have been given a classified memo that revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

This crap just writes itself, doesn't it? So the White House finds itself in the difficult position of either a) admitting that it has a shitty background check process, which is scary as all hell, or b) revealing that it actively condoned this clever little scheme. Karl Rove, evil genius that he is, will figure out a way to pin it on Ray Felton - who nearly certainly is on the take.

GTB's Weekly Wiz Watch, sponsored by Coors Light

Two weeks into February, and the Chocolate City Wizards are 29-19, the 2nd best record in the woeful Eastern Conference. I imagine the last time the Wiz were 10 games over .500 it was the Carter Administration. Washington has 2, count em, 2 All-Stars, and geriatric owner Abe Pollin even gave them a cake as congrats (was it a Carvel ice cream cake? those are very tasty). Hell, besides Antawn and Gilbert, Larry Hughes might've made it 3 All-Stars for the Wiz if he hadn't gotten injured. Whit, you want to pay up now, or wait til the Wiz secure a home playoff series? (Editors note: I am not sure if Whitney is still alive)

Oh yeah, before I forget, for the 2nd time in as many nights, I received a voicemail (this time from loyal, and some would say only, GTB reader Derek Broka) proclaiming Gheorghe Muresan's presence just 2 feet away at the MCI Center. I need to get to another Wiz game pronto...

Everybody Hates Raymond

Felton, that is. So you're the lightning-quick point guard of a team trying to score a basket in the final 18 seconds of a HUGE game, and you can't even generate a shot? Even after your defender has gone for a steal and given you a clear lane to the basket? That was an atrocious job you did Raymond. Yes, the game was at Duke, and yes, Rashad McCants played like he took multiple bong hits, but UNC had a great shot at winning that game, until Felton turned into chic choke artist of the week Donovan F. McNabb. On another note, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I missed Dickie V's ranting last night, especially when the alternative is the team of super a-hole Billy Packer (look Whit, spelled it right on the first try) and local news donkey Tim Brant.

The hockey season might finally be cancelled this weekend. I think I was more upset when Boomtown was cancelled.

This link is for Swint's Eyes Only. Isn't that Gavin DeGraw dreamy?

Hey, at least I didn't name her Vic..."I gave her a beautiful middle name, Simone. If she hates Tu, she can always be Simone." -- "Numb3rs" star ROB MORROW on naming his daughter TU MORROW, quoted in The Philadelphia Inquirer.