Footie Up Your Ass: Marble Collecting Time

[Editor's Note: This is a long one. Lotta words. Maybe print it out and take it to the crapper with you. And enjoy!]

If you're into sporting drama, the next fortnight is your cup of Earl Grey, even if you just focus your attention on what's going down in English soccer (with a brief German fling). Starting Thursday with Manchester United's Champions-League clinching win over an abysmal Chelsea, no fewer than 12 matches in England, two in Germany, and one in...Istanbul (?) will have either title, promotion, or relegation implications.

Let's get the gnarly stuff out of the way. Heading into the final matchday of the season, three Premier League teams are in full on crabs in a bucket mode, grasping at each others' ankles in an attempt to pull each other back down. Only one of the three (Everton, Leicester, and Leeds United) will survive, the other two becoming among the larger clubs in history to be relegated. Everton, who needed a final-day win last season to stay up, is in 17th place on 33 points, two more than both Leicester and Leeds - the Liverpool club has the current longest streak of seasons in the top division, with 70. The Toffees host already-safe Bournemouth on Sunday, needing a win to guarantee safety. Leicester have the best goal differential among the three sides, and Whitney's team will stay up if they win at home against West Ham and Everton loses or draws. Leeds has the longest odds, needing to beat Tottenham at home and losses by both other combatants. Squeaky bum time, indeed.

Turning to much more fun, if perhaps not more consequential stakes, let's go in chronological order. Each of the major Continental leagues has already crowned a champion (Manchester City, Napoli, PSG, and Barcelona) save Germany. Bayern Munich have won 10 consecutive Bundesliga titles (which, honestly, is one of the reasons the German first division isn't as popular as it might be), but their 3-1 loss at home against RB Leipzig last weekend opened the door for Borussia Dortmund to claim this year's championship. Dortmund lead Munich by two points headed into this weekend's final matchday, and host 9th-place Mainz needing a win or Dortmund loss or draw to clinch the title. Munich travel to Cologne to play the 10th-place side having to win and get help to keep their streak alive. Though they wear the colors of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Dortmund have historically operated more like the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox, so there will be some nervous folks on the pitch and in the stands at Signal Iduna Park today. If you have a heart and aren't a front-running dickhead, you'll be rooting for Dortmund.

Later this afternoon, Luton Town and Coventry meet at Wembley in the English League Championship Promotion Play-offs Final. The winner is promoted to the Premier League. The loser, a gutpunch and a return to the Championship grind for another season. We're pulling for Luton Town because, a) the Hatters have never played in the Premier League, having been relegated from the First Division in 1992, the last season before the advent of the current setup, b) because USMNT third-string goalkeeper Ethan Horvath is their starter, and c) because they have a Zimbabwean midfielder called Marvelous Nakamba in their starting lineup. Much has been made of the fact that Luton Town will have to spend £12.5m to make their quaint little ground comply with Premier League standards. As the photo below shows, away fans today have to enter Kenilworth Road through a pair of row houses. Brilliant, that.

Sunday afternoon, while we Yanks are tucking into our Memorial Day beers and brats, Carlisle and Stockport tangle at Wembley in the League Two Play-off Championship for the right to play in League One next season. Loser gets to play Wrexham twice in League Two in 2023-24, so there's some consolation there. Then, on Memorial Day, Sheffield Wednesday hopes to complete their storybook playoff run when they face Barnsley. Wednesday were left for dead after the first leg of their playoff semifinals when Peterborough whacked them, 4-0. Darren Moore's boys got up off the canvas and stunned Peterborough, 5-1, in the return fixture and won the match and the tie in penalties to advance to the final. Shit was capital B Bonkers:

Moore is one of the very few Black managers in English (European, really) soccer, and he's dealt with the predictable shit one might expect with more grace and dignity than he should have to display. We're rooting for John Harkes' former Wednesday side to come up to the Championship.

Couple amuses bouche in the midst of all of these big events, as Sevilla take on Roma in Budapest on May 31 in the Europa League final and West Ham and Fiorentina square off in Prague on June 7 in the Europa Conference League final. Hey, a trophy is a trophy. Noteworthy, too, that Italian clubs are competing in all three EUFA club finals.

We get a few days to rest after a frenetic weekend before the big boys take the stage. On June 3, Premier League champions Manchester City take on their cross-town rival Manchester United in the FA Cup Final at Wembley. Pep Guardiola's Blues are considerable favorites, but weird things happen in derby matches, and City may well be focused on an even bigger prize.

And just one week later, they get a chance to take it. Manchester City take on surprising Inter Milan in Istanbul in the Champions League Final. City absolutely wrecked Real Madrid in the second leg of the semifinals, winning 4-0 on the day and 5-1 in the aggregate. Milan was impressive against their rivals AC Milan, winning 3-0 over two legs. As in the FA Cup, the imperious Manchester City are big favorites (-240 or so), but lots of weird shit happens in knockout soccer. It is no secret that the Champions League trophy is the only piece missing from Pep's run at City, and the club have never won the ultimate European prize. Pep's outsmarted himself before in big games (see the 2021 Champions League final loss to Chelsea for a recent example), and Inter's gonna play with nothing to lose. I think City will win (and I've got $50 on the Blues to win the Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League treble), but it wouldn't stun me if Inter pulls off the upset.