Friday, February 12, 2021

Turning Deez Nuts and Doz Balls Into Cash

Big news in the world of salty nuts! No, Zman did not run out of talc. Kraft Heinz, the poorly named consumer food conglomerate that is struggling to find ways to increase profit margins, is shuffling its portfolio of unhealthy, affordably-priced foods that will keep Americans in various stages of obesity. The company announced today it is selling its Planters (and others) nuts businesses to Hormel for a whopping $3.35 billion. The line had $1.1 billion in sales in 2020. Deez nuts are valuable, my friends. Hormel can pay up because interest rates are stupid low because Jerome Powell is fine with manipulating interest rates to overheat the economy.

In case you wanted to know, its nuts business includes the Mr. Peanut (RIP) Planters brand, as well as its corn nuts business. Corn nuts kinda suck, right? I mean, they can be salted or flavored to make them more palatable, but when you're eating them, you always know you made a suboptimal decision. It's like eating pretzels. 


So Mr. Peanuts now works for Hormel, best known for Spam. The sale also brings the Planters Cheez Balls line to Hormel. While my keto-living self no longer eats processed foods like these, I was ride or die for Cheez Balls for many years.  I ended more than one drunken night by pouring Cheez Balls into a cereal bowl and eating them with a large spoon. That kept my fingers clean. You know, because I'm classy. 

I am enough of a Cheez Balls fan that I want to buy this shirt, especially now that it is a collector's edition b/c the label says Heinz. I assume the Teej owns one of these. Or two.


This deal sets an attractive comp for Pete Schweddy's Schweddy Balls line. No word on them being bought by Ben and Jerry's, after their limited batch ice cream venture. Happy Friday, gents. 



19 comments:

Mark said...

Answering a question from the last thread. TR- our timing was indeed great. Hunter Mountain is packed with snow. I spent half a day in River Edge and yesterday and today in Hunter Mountain.

Back to River Edge for Saturday and Sunday.

Mark said...

I also love Cheez Balls and have been elated to see them return to my local market.

rootsminer said...

My oldest recently started seeing a counselor for ADHD. Sessions are one hour - 45 minutes of intense work out w/ 15 minutes of talking.

Last night a dinner he said his trainer/counselor told him to up his protein intake by "eating things that had a face, and I don't mean the Planters peanut man".

I'm used to social media eavesdropping on my real life, but TR has done it here. Weird.

Whitney said...

I like Hormel chili on my wiener

TR said...

Hunter will be a shitshow this w/e. Kudos for getting there on school days and getting some fresh pow pow.

There is some real science behind a low carb diet and behavioral improvements. Hope that works. We have thought of that in our household.

Mark said...

Also, TR, if you want to enjoy needing out on basketball guy should buy Basketball: A Love Story. Basically an oral history of modern basketball. It’s an easy read and really informative.

Whitney said...

Things that make me smile, and that I miss a lot

https://nola.eater.com/maps/laundromat-bar-new-orleans-nola

rob said...

the entry for checkpoint charlie's notes that it's frequented by weirdos. i'm here to tell you that's a fact.

rob said...

trace mcsorley just walked his dog past my house while wearing a ravens #7 hoodie. baller move?

rob said...

anyone else eagerly looking forward to watching 'judas and the black messiah' this evening? i have a very surface-level understanding of the history of fred hampton's rise and demise, but the story is especially fucked up in the context of a pretty fucked up era in american history.

Danimal said...

No, not a baller move. On the contrary.

Mark said...

Agreed. Everyone in your neighborhood knows who you are dude.

TR said...

He'll be happy he owns that house when he's cycling through practice squads in three other cities next year.

rootsminer said...

Conveniently located within an easy drive of three airports.

rob said...

tribe ladies' hoops pulls the plug on the season. men aren't gonna be far behind, though they're trying to avoid that decision.

TR said...

A big “Fuck You” to Urban Meyer for hiring Chris Doyle. Urban’s always been big on looking at football-related results and conveniently wearing blinders to ignore everything else.

TR said...

Doyle resigned already? My bad.

rob said...

nathan knight with 6 points and a +24 in 10 minutes last night against the spurs. tidy.

rob said...

my internet connected television won't connect to the internet. i've restarted the router, re-entered the password, turned everything on and off and still no joy. any ideas?

i'll hang up and listen.