Deceased Nag and Cudgel Alert: NCAA Edition

Demonstrating once again that nothing will be left alone if privileged people think they benefit from change, the NCAA is in the process of finalizing one of the worst ideas in sports: expansion of the men’s and women’s basketball tournaments. 

According to reports, the field in both events will increase to 76 teams next season, up from the current 68. Details must be worked out and rubber stamps inked and thumped, but the meat of it is that there will be eight play-in games rather than four, and the winners will advance to the regular Goldilocks field of 64 for the tournaments’ opening weekend. 

Understand that this isn’t about increased opportunities or more of a good thing, it’s power conferences exerting control over as many areas as they see fit, and a mostly neutered NCAA attempting to remain relevant, or at least not be further kneecapped by said conferences. Longtime ESPN snoop Pete Thamel wrote that tournament expansion is driven by the power conferences wanting more at-large bids for their teams. Because clearly, eight or ten or twelve teams from a league aren’t enough. Certainly, an extra low- or mid-major team with an exceptional record will make the expanded field, but it’s a safe bet for anyone but Brendan Sorsby (too soon? [ED: Never!]) that six or seven of the new eight at-larges will be from the Bigfoot conferences. 

Thamel also wrote that expanded tournaments aren’t expected to provide a financial windfall for the NCAA and member schools, but sources said there would be profits. No, he wasn’t talking about Fan Duel and Draft Kings. Decide for yourself if it’s mere coincidence that NCAA officials and media partners are negotiating a new deal, whose current terms pre-dated the present bloat and conference demands for even more elbow room at the trough. 

I’ve written previously about tournament expansion and the notion that it’s football, not basketball, that moved the needle. The Big Ten and SEC became 18- and 16-team mega-conferences, respectively, and capitalized on massive financial deals for football, forcing the ACC and Big 12 to follow suit or get left behind (raise a glass for the late, lamented Pac-12). In turn, that meant five or six teams from a league getting into the basketball tournament went from reasonable representation, percentage-wise, to underserved in their estimation. 

Advocates for tournament expansion cite examples such as Texas advancing from the play-in rounds to the regional semifinal this past March as proof that power conference schools deserve greater representation. I’d argue the opposite. Where was that Longhorns’ team the previous three months? They finished tenth in the SEC. I maintain that no team that doesn’t finish in the top half of its league merits an invitation to play for a natty. Alas, that’s not the way it flies today, when P4 leagues, particularly the Big Ten and SEC, understandably equate resources with clout. 

No small number of power conference coaches favor expansion, as well, reasoning that NCAA berths help with job security. I might argue that an expanded, diluted NCAA field may not provide the shield they think (see: Davis, Hubert, turfed by North Carolina despite four NCAA appearances in his five seasons; and Barnes, Rick, canned at Texas in 2015 despite 16 NCAA trips in 17 seasons). In the present landscape, administrators and Big Checkbooks may not be satisfied with mere invitations to the party; they will want results in the form of deep runs and hardware. But those will be campus taffy pulls. In the grand scheme, we will get a format that few people want with several more undeserving entrants packaged as an upgrade, all because those with their hands on the levers will never let a potential advantage go to waste. Way of the world.

How Not to Spend This Weekend... But Maybe

Have we already written about this? Goodness gracious.

This is just a hobby of mine, that I thought might be interesting to a lot of people.

Some people collect stamps. Others collect coins. I collect dialects.

 --Rick Aschmann

If you’ve ever wondered why someone from Squeaky’s Massachusetts neighborhood sounds like they’re permanently auditioning for a role in The Town while someone from North Dakota sounds like they’re politely asking a casserole for permission, then welcome—truly welcome—to the delightfully insane universe of the North American English Dialects. This is not a sleek, minimalist, “click here for three fun facts” kind of website. No, this is a commitment. It’s the internet equivalent of opening a drawer and discovering it leads to a fully cataloged museum of vowels. And honestly? Respect.

The main event is a sprawling, gloriously overwhelming dialect map of North America, which divides the continent into eight major dialect regions and an alarming number of subdialects that seem to multiply the longer you stare at them. The boundaries aren’t random—they follow historical migration patterns, especially the westward spread of English from the East Coast, which is both fascinating and slightly humbling if you thought your accent was just “normal.” Spoiler: it is not. None of ours are. We are all linguistic snowflakes, except instead of snowflakes, we are vowels doing interpretive dance.

And speaking of vowels—this site is obsessed with them. Not in a creepy way (but yeah), but in a deeply earnest, linguist-with-a-hobby-that-got-out-of-hand way. The focus here is pronunciation: how people actually say things, rather than what they say. You’ll encounter concepts like the “pin–pen merger,” which sounds like a Zman review post but is actually about whether those two words sound the same in your mouth. The site makes it clear that these tiny differences are not tiny at all—they’re basically geographic fingerprints, revealing where you’re from whether you like it or not. It’s like linguistic CSI, but instead of fingerprints, it’s how you say “bag.”

Now, here’s where things get fun: the audio samples. Hundreds of them. Possibly more than you emotionally prepared for. The map is linked to a massive collection of recordings—many pulled from YouTube—so you can click around and hear these dialects in action. This transforms the experience from “huh, interesting map” into “oh no, I’ve been clicking on accents for 45 minutes and now I’m judging strangers based on how they pronounce ‘roof.’” It’s immersive. It’s educational. It’s a mild personality shift.

The site itself feels like it was built in an era when the internet was powered primarily by enthusiasm and possibly Colombian "coffee." It is dense. It is text-heavy. It occasionally looks like it might have been formatted during a long weekend in 1998. But that’s part of its charm. Rick openly discusses updates, corrections, and the avalanche of emails from equally fascinated visitors, which gives the whole thing a slightly chaotic, very human energy. This isn’t a corporate product—it’s one person saying, essentially, “I collect dialects,” and then proceeding to absolutely go to town.

What sneaks up on you, though, is how thoughtful the whole thing is beneath the visual clutter. The site quietly dismantles the idea of a single “correct” English, showing instead that language is shaped by history, migration, and community. It even highlights differences between American and Canadian English—like the fact that Canadians generally merge “cot” and “caught,” while many Americans stubbornly refuse to. Suddenly, accents stop being quirks and start being stories. This is gheorghiness.

By the end of your visit, you’ll likely emerge slightly dazed, mildly more informed, and deeply suspicious of how you pronounce everyday words. You may start testing friends. You may say “orange” out loud several times in a row. You may question everything. And that, I suspect, is exactly what this site wants. It’s not just a map—it’s a gentle, vowel-filled reminder that language is messy, regional, and wonderfully human… even if it occasionally makes you realize you’ve been saying “milk” wrong your entire life.

Enjoy. 

Footy Chaos

On Tuesday, Bayern Munich and Paris Saint Germain took a look at the forthcoming chaos in the British football landscape and paid homage. The two titans turned footy into basketball on the Parc de Princes turf in Paris, scoring a combined nine goals in the first leg of their EUFA Champions League semifinal. Observers needed cigarettes after the match. It's possible that's just because they're French.

Over in the Isles, the drama is extended as seasons draw to a close. Across England, Scotland, and Wales, there's action this weekend and over the next several that'll have fingers gnawed and knuckles white(r).

From least to most well-known, then, we'll dive in.

Since Sir Alex Ferguson's Aberdeen side lifted the trophy in 1985, no club other than Glasgow Rangers or Glasgow Celtic have finished atop Scotland's top division. With four matches to play in the season, Heart of Midlothian (commonly known as Hearts) lead Celtic by three points, with Rangers one point behind their hated rivals. 

If Hearts are going to break the Old Firm stranglehold on the Scottish Prem, they'll have earned it. In their final four matches, they play Rangers at home in Edinburgh and Celtic away, in addition to hosting Falkirk and traveling to Motherwell. Up the Jam Tarts!

There's only one matchday left in the English League Championship, one division below the Premier League, and we've already got a storybook ending and a bitter pill for a side close to home, G:TB speaking. And there's a ton still to play for.

At the top of the table, Coventry has clinched first place and promotion to the Premier League. The Sky Blues last played in the top division in 2000-01, having fallen all the way to League Two (the fourth division) in 2017. Chelsea legend Frank Lampard manages Coventry, finding his footing as a manager after a few missteps in his first few appointments.

There's a giant scrum below first place, as Ipswich Town, Millwall, and Middlesborough all have a chance to finish second and secure automatic promotion and Wrexham, Hull City, and Derby County can all grab sixth place and the final spot in the four-team playoff for the third Premier League promotion spot. Wrexham going up would make it a first-ever four promotions in as many seasons, and cap the absolute Hollywood story Rob McIlhenny and Ryan Reynolds have been cooking up.

Here are the matches to follow on Saturday:

Hull v Norwich (ninth place, no chance to advance)

Wrexham v Middlesborough

Millwall v Oxford United (already relegated)

Derby County v Sheffield United (15th, nothing to play for)

Ipswich Town v Queens Park Rangers (14th, nothing to play for)

At the other end of the table, sad news for Lester's Leicester. Ten years on from winning the Premier League title, the Foxes are already assured of suffering a second consecutive relegation. They'll be playing their football in League One next season.

Finally, to the wealthiest (but arguably not the most interesting, at least football-wise) league in the world. There are battles all over the table with four matches to play. 

Arsenal have led the way nearly all season, but they've stumbled a bit of late, allowing Manchester City back into the picture. City trail by three points, but they have a game in hand. Arsenal have arguably the easier run in, but only just. Could very easily come down to the final matchday.

England's top five teams qualify for the 2026-27 Champions League. That number rises to six if Aston Villa finishes fifth and wins this seasons Europa League - neither of those would be a shock. There are seven teams within four points of sixth at the time of this writing (including Fulham! and Dave's Bees). Look at this madness:

And down below, the possibility of an unthinkable outcome is very much alive. Tottenham Hotspur won last year's Europa League and participated in this season's Champions League, advancing to the knockouts. Back home, though, they've been moribund. Their dismal 1-0 win last weekend against relegation-bound Wolverhampton was Spurs' first victory in 2026.

Spurs are currently in 18th place, which is in the drop zone. They're two points behind West Ham United and five points in arrears of Nottingham United. Seeing one of the richest clubs in Europe drop to the second division would be utterly shocking, and their run in is no picnic.

Grab your seat and buckle your popcorn. Lots of footy fun right around the corner.

Brotherly Love

Matt Fitzpatrick is one of the best golfers in the world. The 31 year-old Englishman won the 2022 U.S. Open and has 15 other wins worldwide to his name, including three PGA TOUR wins already this season.

His brother Alex is an accomplished golfer in his own right, having won the DP World Tour's Hero Indian Open in March for his first win at that level. Until last weekend, though, he'd yet to earn a permanent place on the PGA TOUR. 

The brothers teamed up last weekend to play in the TOUR's unique Zurich Classic of New Orleans. The two-man format features best ball (fourball) in rounds one and three and alternate shot (foursomes) in the second and fourth rounds. 

After a scorching third round that saw the pair birdie or eagle 14 of the 18 holes en route to a 15-under 57, the Brothers Fitzpatrick led the event by four strokes. If they won, Alex Fitzpatrick would join his brother as a full member of the PGA TOUR - but only if they won.

A couple of loose shots on the back nine led to a double bogey on 12 and a bogey on 14, and the pair found themselves in a three-way tie as they headed to the 18th and final hole. Older brother Matt split the fairway on the par five 18th, then Alex hit his approach into a greenside bunker. The boys needed to get up and down from a challenging spot to win and earn Alex his card through 2028.

And they did this:

That's the good shit right there. For Matt to hit that shot with his brother's career progression on the line is all kinds of onions. After the round, Alex said, "It won't sink in. It's amazing to be here with him, my mum and dad. It's a lot of hard work and I can't believe we've done it It's as good as it gets."

Gheorghe Does Foodstuffs, Disgusting Version

When I first read the headline of this story, I assumed it was April 1st. It was not. Try to comprehend this without vomiting:

"Great Wolf Lodge debuts Ranch Milkshake topped with carrots, celery and chicken nuggets"

I wouldn't even subject Marls to that monstrosity, which apparently is an actual thing. According to a spokesman for Great Wolf Lodge who wouldn't identify himself (we know it's a dude because women have more common sense than to allow themselves to be associated with fuckery of this nature),  “The shake starts with a vanilla ice cream base, so it’s still sweet and creamy, while the ranch adds a tangy twist that creates a surprisingly delicious combination."

To which we say, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it.

NFL Draft Open Thread/Up the Huskies

Creating space for running commentary on Mendozapalooza. And it's Husky Gameday, so a filler twofer for your social media pleasure. Kids go on road to Commanders great (and current Bengal) Jonathan Allen's alma mater (in the same town as the Commanders' training facility) to take on a foe from a larger classification. 

Our Huskies are pretty chill, but do enjoy these huskies doing husky things.

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Mission: Impossible

Ten years ago today, Prince passed away at his Paisley Park complex in Chanhassen, MN. One of the best things I read at the time was written by Bomani Jones from a hotel room in Paris. 

I was reminded of that last week when Bo recorded a pair of podcasts remembering the Purple One. And I remembered listening to Prince on SiriusXM with my kids on a long car ride - was likely their first extended exposure, and the first time in more than a decade that I really dug into the genius' catalog.

Jones' podcasts got me thinking about Prince's music. In particular, my favorite of his songs. The ones he recorded, not the ones he wrote - that list is far too long to contemplate. So I set a challenge that's described by the title of this post. I decided to pick my five favorite Prince songs.

I'll get to the list in a minute. Couple of explanatory notes first. My faves are gonna tilt heavily to his early records (one in particular), or at least from "1999" forward. That's when I was turned on to his stuff, and when I spent the most time with it. I leaned hard into progressive tunes when I first heard The Smiths' "Louder Than Bombs" in 1987, and didn't get back around to Prince until much later. And I never really got into his post-"Love Symbol" records. So we're really only talking about "Dirty Mind" in 1980 through the aforementioned Symbol in 1992 as the consideration set. 

And it's still fucking hard to pick just five songs.

For fuck's sake, the list doesn't include When You Were Mine, Uptown, 1999, Delirious, Let's Go Crazy, Darlin' Nikki, Purple Rain, Raspberry Beret, Pop Life, Kiss, Sign O' the Times, U Got the Look, If I Was Your Girlfriend, I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man, Gett Off, Erotic City, and Sexy MF, among a lot of others.

If you're a connoisseur, you could probably figure out my top five from the omissions above. Because I'm a man of the people, I'll make it easy for you.

In no particular order, my top five Prince songs:

In the fall of 1984, I was a painfully naive young lad coming to terms with my utter inability to talk to/attract girls at the same time that I was completely enamored of them. In the basement of a friend's house, a mixed group danced to "Purple Rain", and the girls went nuts when I Would Die 4 U came on. That was the very first time I ever danced with a girl. It left a mark. Music as memory, as we've discussed at length here before. (And I was this week old before I realized it was about Jesus.)

I'd heard Little Red Corvette many times before I caught onto the way its fundamental raunchiness masked the vulnerability of a dude not quite sure he was gonna measure up. But when I got it, I certainly got it, though it didn't help with that previously noted naïveté with the ladies. Corvette edges out its thematic cousin Raspberry Beret because it's just that much sexier.

The chronologically latest song on my list hit me out of the blue in 1992 upon the release of the "Love Symbol" album. 7 didn't sound like any Prince tune I'd heard before, but its chorus got me right in the tuning fork in my chest. It's definitely the wild card on this list.

I'd argue that Prince's guitar virtuosity was an under-discussed topic until relatively recently. Folks focused on his hypersexy lyrics, funky grooves, brilliant live shows, and prolific musicianship. But "Purple Rain" is a guitar-forward record, and the opening lick of When Doves Cry is a damn call to arms. 

Returning to a theme for our final tune, Purple Rain showed that shy and clueless young man a glimpse of something entirely new. In the short term, it accelerated feelings of longing for amorphous but assuredly sexy and sweaty and not at all dorky possibility. Take Me With U felt like that kid asking a more mature, experienced and cute girl for a favor. And that seemed very real at the time.

This version has a naaaasty guitar solo. 

And as a lagniappe to keep the groove rolling, get some of his 1985 live show from Syracuse. It's fucking bonkers. In the best way.