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Gheorghasbord, Fashion is Dumb Edition

We are truly spanning the globe to bring you...some wild-ass shit, man. We've got the intersection of sport and local culture, a truly inexplicable bit of high fashion, and the ongoing expansion of pickles into every corner of our lives.

Oktoberfest (Wiesn to locals) kicked off this week in Munich, and the local football club got into the action on and off the pitch. Bayern Munich is a commercial juggernaut, so it's only natural they'd get into the Wiesn merch game. First, a special one-off kit to celebrate the festive season:

The Bavarians smoked FC Union Berlin, 7-0, while wearing these over the weekend, so maybe it may be more than a one-kit wonder.

If you're into a more traditional getup for Wiesn and you still want to rep your favorite side, perhaps I can interest you in a pair of Bayern Munich lederhosen for a cool $800:

And if you're a completist, you'll need to add a traditional shirt to match for $115:

You'll likely want to wear something underneath that getup. Leather on bare privates seems uncomfortable. But you might not want to shop at Saks. If you do, though, $875 seems a fair price to pay for something versatile:

All of that stuff seems normal enough, I suppose. Let's see what our fashion-forward friends at KFC have been up to since we checked in on their pickle-inspired duds. Still riding the pickle, is what.

KFC Australia has swapped its famous red for pickle green in Picklecore, a fashion-inspired campaign by Special Australia that turns a limited-edition gherkin menu into an entire aesthetic.

The campaign borrows the logic of fashion micro-trends, treating pickle obsession less like a flavour preference and more like something people might wear. Teaser billboards feature imaginary pickle lipsticks, watches and trousers, while a 15-second film gives the range the full high-fashion treatment, complete with techno soundtrack and glossy styling.

It really seems like they're trying to make Picklecore happen, too. Check out this video, and think about what all of this says about the world we live in.

Hook 'Em: A Longhornucopia

University of Texas football is having a moment, or more accurately, a series of moments that might be called a mixed bag. The Longhorns staged a comeback for the ages last Saturday night in Austin, coming from behind to beat top-ranked Ohio State, a win that propelled them to No. 1 in this week’s poll. In the immediate afterglow, Coach Steve Sarkisian all but blew off ESPN sideline reporter Holly Rowe, offering a few words and a Hook ‘Em Horns hand signal to viewers before jogging off to the locker room. 

It was a mite rude and pissy, but hardly a serious transgression, given that those brief exchanges are uniformly value-less. But because nothing rude and pissy occurs that cannot be made worse, various creators fired up the AI meme machine and produced fake interviews between Sark and Rowe that made the rounds on social media. One has him flashing a middle finger at the camera while smoking a cigar and Rowe munching an oversized cupcake, while another has Sark violently slapping Rowe to the ground and running off. 

Longhorns quarterback Arch Manning, he of the House of Manning football dynasty, was asked at a Monday presser if he had seen any of the AI video interviews. With others off-camera laughing around him, Manning beamed and said that he had seen a couple and offered, “I saw an AI edit of Sark’s interview. Y’all seen that one? That’s a good one — of him slapping Holly Rowe. It’s hilarious.” 

What the actual hell? A man backhanding a woman upside the head and knocking her to the ground – even artificially created – is “a good one” and “hilarious?” Really? Maybe you chalk it up to Manning being a 21-year-old meathead and locker room bro culture. Hey Arch, remember way back in August about Good Good Golf’s bobsled run into the dumpster after their TV commercial that featured a man pushing a woman to the ground for touching his new driver? All fun and games, right? 

In any case, blowback was swift and Manning on Tuesday apologized on Instagram for his remarks. “There is nothing funny about it,” he wrote. “It’s easy to say I didn’t mean it, but I know my words and actions were hurtful to a lot of people. I do not take that lightly and am deeply sorry for that.” He apologized to Rowe specifically: “I have a ton of respect for her and appreciate her showing me grace in this moment. I need to do better and will be more thoughtful going forward.” 

Exchange “thoughtful” for “guarded” and “cautious” and we might be on to something. 

In the runup to Saturday’s game, ESPN’s GameDay was in Austin. One highlight was a UT freshman nailing a field goal for $1.2 million, followed by hugs and handshakes from Longhorn celeb-alum and regular sideline presence Matthew McConaughey and a pledge to donate half the money to charity. A less successful segment featured Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who droned on for almost ten minutes about the Protect College Sports Act and its importance in restoring order to college athletics. 

Cruz is one of the bill’s co-authors, though its language and provisions have changed repeatedly, so “sponsor” is probably a more accurate description. Regardless of the final version, which might come up for a Senate vote in the coming weeks, the upshot is a measure that will reduce the leverage that college athletes have gained through various court rulings and NCAA fecklessness. 

The PCSA has both bipartisan support and significant opposition. Some of the pushback might be due to Cruz himself. He was relentlessly booed and heckled during his segment, and it’s not a stretch to wonder if some people will reflexively oppose the bill, figuring that anything he lends his name to is worth resisting. 

Former Minnesota Senator Al Franken wrote in his autobiography: “I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.” The late Senator Lindsey Graham once said in a speech at the Washington Press Club that, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” 

Cruz’s general prickliness was more than matched by a gent named Bo French, a Republican running for a seat on the Texas Railroad Commission. He was so inspired by the Longhorns’ victory that he posted a photo of a section of celebrating students whose skin tones suggested their ancestors didn’t arrive on the Mayflower. 

“I heard UT graduation this year looked like this,” he wrote on Elon Musk’s shitscape site. “I didn’t believe it. The problem is now obviously far worse than anyone imagined.” In case dogs didn’t hear the whistle, he continued, “I weep for the families in Texas who can’t get into UT because they prioritize foreigners over Texans” and added, “Like body-cams exposed criminals, social media is exposing how many Americans have been displaced by foreigners.” 

Hard to know where to start with this. First, French offered no evidence that those kids in the pic weren’t native Texans. Second, UT Austin doesn’t prioritize foreigners over Texans; state law requires that 90 percent of first-year students must be state residents, and 75 percent of those must be automatically admitted; as recently as 2023, applicants in the top six percent of their high school class were also automatically admitted. Foreigners also happen to pay higher tuition than in-state students, which helps Texas state schools maintain lower than average in-state tuition rates. 

It’s unclear if French is a true xenophobic twatwaffle or has simply made the calculation that going full bigot is a winning strategy with his base. Contemptible either way. Some within his own party have called him out, notably outgoing Texas Senator John Cornyn, who posted on X/Twitter: “Are other Republican elected officials going to condemn the intolerance and racism, or look the other way while it becomes normalized.” 

Predictably, Cornyn caught some gas from far right corners, including a TV host who blasted him for “liberal moralizing” and for criticizing “a Patriot acknowledging that Texans didn’t ask for their state to become a playground for the third world.” I might argue that Third World residents looking for a playground can find plenty more welcoming locations than Texas. 

So, as the top-ranked Longhorns prepare for a visit from overmatched Texas-San Antonio and set themselves up for a potential playoff berth, laughing off memes about violence against women, flawed legislation stumped by unpopular figures and outright racism by candidates for statewide office in an ethnically diverse country are episodes that even a roomful of McConaugheys can’t pretty up.

Single-Sentence Stories, Part II: Sentence of Dave, and a Math Problem About Literature

Cuing off Zed's sly tip-of-the-cap post yesterday, I thought I'd take us all there more fully. You know, a ham-fisted sequel after a cleverly crafted original.

So, as of today, Dave has written 6,365 posts at Sentence of Dave. As such, presumably he has written 6,365 sentences.

6,365 sentences. Wow.

Except... do you guys remember his existential crisis where he went over to that Park the Bus site and wrote lots of sentences and said goodbye to SoD and then a year later or so came back and just picked the old site right back up New Coke Bobby Ewing style?

What was that about? We're going to call that period his "Lost Weekend" a la John Lennon and go with the 6,365 sentences. Moving right along...

So… has Dave written the equivalent of a novel?

Of course it would be a rambling, hard-to-follow novel. I contend that it would be no harder to follow than Faulkner's novels for me when I read them in high school, or Dave when he's rambling at the Fishing Trip after Tortuga's and some afternoon fun. 

How can we simply evaluate if he's written and published (in blogform) as much as a novel over these 18 years?

AI says that: 

• "Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities contains an estimated 6,400 to 7,400 sentences, based on an approximate word count of 135,000 to 140,000 and the typical long-winded Victorian sentence length of around 19 to 22 words per sentence. For instance, the famous opening line alone runs 119 words long, which is very SoDomish and perhaps Dave's original inspiration."
• "Based on the novel's total word count, To Kill a Mockingbird contains an estimated 6,800 to 7,500 sentences. Total Word Count: The novel has approximately 100,000 words. Average Sentence Length: Standard 20th-century American fiction typically averages 13 to 15 words per sentence. BTW, Dave = Boo Radley."
• "Mark Twain’s American classic The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn contains an estimated 5,300 to 5,800 sentences. While Mark Twain's prose is highly conversational and written in Huck's unique colloquial voice, his narrative sentences tend to be longer and more fluid than modern fiction, often linking multiple clauses with conjunctions like "and". However, this is balanced out by rapid-fire, localized dialogue between Huck and other characters along the Mississippi River, bringing the statistical average down to about 20 words per sentence. Also, Dave has never used racist vulgarities in SoD."
• "An analysis of John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath estimates the sentence count to be between 11,000 and 15,000 sentences. While it is a massive, sweeping novel, its total sentence count is incredibly high because Steinbeck’s sentence-level complexity is uniquely low. Like SoD, it's also super uplifting."
• “An analysis of Ernest Hemingway's modernist classic The Sun Also Rises estimates the sentence count to be between 5,600 and 6,800 sentences, similar to SoD in the way that Jake Barnes is similar to Dave in his sexual virility."

So Dave has worked harder than Twain, nearly as hard as Dickens and Harper Lee, and he’s halfway to Steinbeck. (“Halfway to Steinbeck”… a podcast episode or Random Idiots song title if there ever was one.)

Dave is pretty much Ernest Hemingway. Papa Pellicane strikes again.

Here’s the thing, though. Those authors didn’t work as hard per sentence. Not nearly!

Only the people highlighted in Zman’s recommended Totei article “The Strange Allure of the Single-Sentence Novel” have! Faulkner and his 1,288-word sentence in Absalom, Absalom!, or Joyce and his 4,391-word sentence in Ulysses. (Joyce’s has to be the Lou Gehrig record of his time… and maybe Dave can be Cal Ripken.)

So, in order to do comparative math, we need to know how long the average SoD entry is, wordwise. How do we figure that?

We’re in luck, Super Sleuths! My buddy Arch the AI Archivist gave me this to work with:

If your goal is “give me a defensible ballpark, not a dissertation,” I think we can get there without turning this into the Human Genome Project.

From the archive material I can actually inspect, my best current estimate is:

 An average Sentence of Dave post is probably about 200–250 words.

If you made me put one number on it right now, I'd use ~225 words per post.

I also think the median is appreciably lower — probably around 150–175 words. That's because Dave's distribution is extremely lopsided: there are lots of short posts, but then occasional 500-, 700-, or 1,000-word Dave extravaganzas drag the arithmetic mean upward. You can see that variation directly in the archives: 2010 has compact posts alongside very long one-sentence narratives, while 2024 likewise jumps between tiny entries and several-hundred-word stories. And contemporary Dave does appear wordier.

I'd put a fairly broad uncertainty band around it — say ±50 words — until we've done a genuine large sample. But I'm much more comfortable with 225 now than with my original 150–200 guess.

Oh, and then there's this exchange:

Anyway, I’m actually content to know how much Dave has written, guesstimate-style (like most of my college exam submissions), so let’s do this.  

Holy crap. Sentence of Dave is 5 times wordier than that relative leaflet Ulysses! 

I know, my Math about his English a bit dicey in its precision, but it’s on the right track. Dave’s collective work doesn’t qualify for Single-Sentence Novel acclaim, because, like the unluckiest gal I know, he’s had over 6,000 periods… but if we could tap a few keystrokes and make them all semi-colons… oh, boy. 

Let's face it. Dave is Cal. 

[This is not helping my case with my hometowners that W&M people aren’t nerds.]

Totei and the Art of Single-Sentence Stories

I typically don't enjoy non-fiction books.  For whatever reason, I can't focus on one real thing for that long.  But I do enjoy non-fiction magazine articles.  You're in, you're enlightened, you're out.  All in six to nine pages.

To that end, you should check out Totei, "a magazine about the art of making."  They cover art, film, food, music, design.  And writing.  One particular article about writing hooked me.

"The Strange Allure of the Single-Sentence Novel" is a must-read.  Not because the author's name is Naomi Xu Elegant (and for the record she is not related to FsOG:TB Danny and Jenny Elegance).  But because of the way she writes about people who publish entire works as a single sentence.

Of the Hungarian Nobel laureate László Krasznahorkai who wrote Herscht 07769, a frattily titled 400 page book containing one sentence, she asks:

Why does he do it?  Is it because, simply, he’s a weird man who just wants to write terribly long sentences, and he doesn’t want you to get a word in edgeways?

That's not an unreasonable way to think of authors who write lengthy stories in one sentence.

Of Ducks, Newburyport, a thousand-page sentence by Lucy Ellman, Elegant quotes a review stating "It feels dense at first, a bit like drowning, without a period or paragraph break in sight."  And when she interviewed Ellman she got this quote about long sentences: "It’s the literary equivalent of menopause." Again, all very on the nose.

In her interview with Daniel Krautz, the author of the 2026 Pulitzer Prize-winning 304 page sentence Angel Down, Elegant pulled this insight: "I didn’t know if people would take one look at it and just be like, 'I don’t want to deal with this.' I really didn’t know if I’d just ruined the book. All I knew is that I really liked it—it was really exciting for me to write.” I can see both sides of this based on my own experience reading long stories told in one sentence—not everyone wants to deal with it, but it's an exciting exercise in self-indulgence for the author.

Mike McCormack, author of the exceedingly long sentence Solar Bones, told Elegant that he "is wary of the long sentence. 'John Banville says the sentence is what sets us above and apart from the animals,' he said. 'I would share that esteem. You want to have some seriously good reasons for renouncing the sentence and for writing long outpours.'"

Go read Elegant's article and maybe some others in Totei like this one about a guy who makes guitars using antique wood salvaged from lower Manhattan, or this one about a living sculpture (which is a bit of a knock-off of my man Ben Behin), or this one about Tape Op, or this one about La Marzocco espresso machines.

And when you're done with that, go read Sentence of Dave, pound-for-pound the best single sentences you can get online.

Life Hacks, All Under $20

I recently made some cheap purchases that made my life disproportionately better.  They might improve your lives too.

Cheap, easy coffee

For over 25 years, the only way I've made coffee at home is with a Melitta pour over cone.  The process is simple and the results are delicious.  Put a #2 paper filter in the cone, put coffee grinds in the filter, put the cone on top of a coffee mug, pour hot water over the coffee grounds, put the cone in the sink, drink the coffee, throw the grinds in the garbage once they cool.  I paid $4.99 for each of my two cones in 2006 or 2007 and they still work great.  The only tricky part is you have to periodically lift the cone to see if the mug is full, else it might overflow.

Until recently!  We went on vacation and forgot to bring our cones so zwoman ordered two from Amazon for $7.84 apiece and when they arrived we were surprised by their new design.  It now has two holes along the base so you can see the level of the coffee in the cup without lifting the cone.  Brilliant!

If your K-cup machine breaks, or if you're sending a youngster out into the world and they need some housewares, get one of these.

Keep your outdated charging cords

I assume that everyone's home has a drawer like this.

Ok, maybe you don't have a cat brush or a fabric shaver (although you should) or an old AppleTV remote but you probably have a bunch of charging cables and blocks.  And if you have Apple products (not looking at you Squeaky) you probably have cables that don't work with all of your devices or all of your blocks.  In my case, my iPhone requires a USB-c charger while my iPad, keyboard and mouse need a Lightning charger.  Those Lightning devices are old so I have a lot of Lightning cables that accrued over time, including a few very long ones that weren't cheap.  For $7.19 you can get a pack of four little dongles that turn your Lightning cable into a USB-c cable.  They even come with little silicon tethers so they're always with the cable!  Similarly, for $6.98 you can get four dongles and tethers that turn your USB-c cable into a Lightning cable.  You can use all your cables to charge everything for about fourteen bucks.  And when you're traveling with your new iPhone and your old iPad you only need to bring one charger.

Keep all your old peripherals

I recently started a new job and they issued me a laptop with only three guzzintas, an HDMI port and two USB-c ports.  The power cord uses one of those USBs so when I'm working from home my peripheral connectivity is limited.  For $16.95 you can get a 7-in-1 USB hub that provides another HDMI port, two USB 3.0 ports, a USB-c port, and SD/TF slots (which you'll probably never use).  Now I can use two monitors and my old camera and speaker/mic, all at the same time.  Even if you already have a big baller hub at home, this one is nice for travel, especially if you've got one of those big baller travel monitor extenders (I bet Danimal rolls thusly given his big baller balls).  

For $38.96 you can make your life a lot easier and/or give someone a helpful gift.  Enjoy!

Next Step, Profit

Unbeknownst to us, although the Teej might've felt a disturbance in the force, researchers at the University of Zurich have been quietly working on one of our enduring challenges. That being solving the problem of how, exactly, to extract riches from underwear. 

My friends, we may have a breakthrough.

The summary of a recent Science News article tells the whole story:

More than 1,000 volunteers buried cotton underwear across Switzerland to help scientists measure how active different soils are. The faster the fabric disappeared, the more biological activity was taking place underground. Gardens showed the fastest decomposition, while lawns had the least, revealing how strongly land management can shape soil life.

Researchers enlisted the help of those 1,000 volunteers for a study entitled "Proof by Underpants". (As if Trey and Matt weren't involved.) Each volunteer buried two pairs of cotton underpants at sites around Switzerland. Two months later, the volunteers dug up the underpants, photographed them, and sent the images to the research team in Zurich.

The results were interesting scientifically. Turns out that private gardens are the most active biological sites, as measured by the decomposition of the underpants. Agricultural fields and meadows were next, with lawns the least active. 

Now comes the slightly harder part. We have findings that are a signpost towards the future. All we have to do is:

• Collect underpants
• ? (but it somehow involves soils)
• Profit

I think you all know the next step.