Most of these guys never had a prime...this guy here is dead

GTB TWIB Notes (with all due respect to Mel Allen)

Last night was by far the best seats I have ever had, 7 rows behind home plate, with a pre-game buffet and complimentary ballpark fare throughout the game, served by the best waiters and waitresses I have ever seen (wink, wink, nod, nod). Too bad the Nationals decided not to show up. Brady Clark hit the first pitch of the night a very long way, setting the tone for the whupping. Claudio Vargas of the Nats assured himself of another stint in the minors, allowing 6 runs and getting 4 outs. When Tomo Ohka has to save your ass, pack your bags kid. Some donkey named Wes Obermueller of the Brewers sat down the first 19 Nats he faced before Jamey Carroll ruined his perfect game in the 7th, drawing the only noticeable cheer of the night from an announced crowd of 26,000 that looked more like 13,000. Who cares though – have I mentioned how money these seats were? Even Boo Radley sitting next to the Future Missus and mumbling to himself all night couldn’t ruin these seats.

I pondered naming this post “Derrek Lee is fucking awesome”, because honestly, he is. Could you imagine how bad it would be for the Cubbies if not for D Lee? Last night, Lee went 4 for 4 with two homers and drove in all of the Cubs' runs in a 4-3 win over the Pirates. Plus he’s carrying my fantasy team, which is nice.

“Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip” - The Cubs have signed 80 year old infielder Enrique Wilson to a one-year contract. Don’t the Cubs already have Neifi Perez and Jose Macias? Aren’t these all the same guy?

Best name in the minors, Tagg Bozied, a 1B in the Padres system.

Mike Lupica is mailing it in this morning, writing the Clemens to the Yankees story, the first of what I assume will be 100 more columns like it in the next 6 weeks. Mitch Albom has written a column saying Clemens is already a Yankee because the usher in Section 104 told him it will happen.

A heads up to the folks tallying the MLB All-Star ballots – Larry Bigbie (#3) is going to get one vote. You can blame the young lady sitting to my left last night. Oh yeah, Calvin Pickering will be getting one vote as well, and for that I take full responsibility.

The Yankees (and to a lesser extent the Red Sox) have lobbied the Commissioner’s office to play the A’s and Mariners the rest of the season.

This has nothing to do with baseball, but only 1 day left until Episode III debuts. In honor of this historic moment, I leave you with this Star Wars link, perhaps the funniest Conan O’Brien segment of all time.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see...

...I got a jungle fever of a hundred and three...Former Kentucky star Rex Chapman told a newspaper that school officials tried to stop him from dating black women or at least "hide it" rather than inflame fans.
"There were certain aspects of my time there that were really ugly," Chapman, who is white, said in a story published by The Courier-Journal on Monday. "I don't know how it is today, but that's how it was 20 years ago."

SG's cartoon was a bad enough idea. Now ESPN thinks it's wise to have a cartoon called "Off-Mikes" starring Golic and Greenberg? Who is piloting this ship?

The Yankees have now won 9 in a row to top .500. They're 5 games back of the Orioles, 2.5 back of the Red Sox. This is much much better than 2 weeks ago. And the Washington Nationals continue to surprise at 21-17. I don't think I'm the only guy who thought they would be in a freefall by mid-May. Last week I told Butt their anemic offense was gonna kill them. Well, they are 6th in OBP and SLG, and 5th in OPS, so that hasn't been a problem yet. Proving once again I know nothing. Go Nats.

I like what the University of Cincinnati did yesterday with Bobby Huggins, deciding not to extend his contract and making him fulfill the next two years of his deal before deciding to retain him. I've never been a big fan of Bob (though I did love his star pupil Nicky Van Poo Poo) and I like Cincy giving themselves the flexibility to move on if Huggins underperforms on the court (or to a lesser extent, if he has anymore off the court issues). After all, this is a program that just a few years ago got hit with NCAA sanctions for having a "lack of institutional control" over it's basketball program, so it's not like they're leaving Coach K hanging, just jackass Bob Huggins.

Um, yeah, I was just hitting the men's room (and the amazing waterless urinals) after 3 morning cups of java, when I realized the ole fly has possibly been down all morning. Wouldn't normally be a problem if I was hiding in my cube, Milton-style, listening to my radio at a reasonable volume. Unfortunately, I've been out and about, chatting it up like a good NewGuy, discussing my powerful Cherry Garcia tie, so it's possible boxers have been poking out all morning long. Hopefully the electric blue tie was very distracting.

Best name in the upcoming NBA Draft? That's easy. It's Martynas Andriuskevicius, a 7'3" Lithuanian who probably gives Chad Ford major wood. I mean, look at that guy's name again. It makes Pavel Podkolzine look like Joe Smith. This guy might go Top 5, and here's one scout's take: "His body is just so frail." Awesome.

What a difference a week makes...

And I'm not just talking about the Yankees righting the ship against AL donkeys Oakland and Seattle, taking 8 in a row so far. I have 50 emails to sift through, but can we discuss this Onterrio Smith thing for a second? The device is called the Original Whizzinator ? Really? And Onterrio is just carrying it for his cousin? A revelation like this simply makes me believe the Original AnalBib is a viable product in the marketplace. Now if I could only get the right spokesperson...

Afternoon update: Man I love this new gig. Thanks to some damn nice work tickets, I will be headed back to RFK tomorrow to see those powerful Brewers of Milwaukee face our hometown nine. I'm looking to push my record at Nats games to 4-1 with the appearance.

Quick question

Am I missing something, or is 1998 again in the City That Never Sleeps? Tino Martinez hitting bomb after bomb for a hot Yankees team, and John Rocker managing to insult the entire universe by opening his mouth...

Live Look-In

I've got 5 minutes, I found a computer, and I have nothing to share. Sweet. Dennis (or Whitney or Rob) - perhaps you should drop some knowledge on our readers while I wander the Marriott Wardman Park the next few days. I did see the Yankees have won 4 in a row - thank god the A's and Mariners are atrocious. Also, did I hear David Aldridge correctly last night? Some of the Wiz want Kwame The Terrible reinstated? You have gotta be kidding me. If Ernie Grunfeld even ponders this...

An Embarrassment of Bitches

I am referring of course to the results of Saturday night's Game 7s. I am willing to bet there have never been two worse performances in Game 7s than what I witnessed between 7pm and Midnight Saturday night. The Boston Celtics, who were playing AT HOME, lost the nail-biter of the night by 27. Fred Jones took them to task. Isn't this the same Fred Jones who played third fiddle to two crunchy granola white kids at Oregon, the Luke Boys, Ridnour and Jackson? Then, in an apparent effort not to be upstaged by the bloody mess that was the Celtics, the Rockets go out and lose by 40. I think that says it all. This is what these guys could muster for a Game 7? Unfuckingbelievable. The only positive development on Saturday was my 106 (and my playing partner's 79), which was just enough for us to win a dinner. Plus, I managed not to kill anyone with a tee shot. And I got a nice sunburn for the effort as well.

[Editor's note: I was pretty sure the Yankees were going to be part of the above post, but then miracle of miracles, they actually won both games this weekend, including yesterday when the anti-christ Kevin Brown took the hill.]

GTB presents "The Week of the Bama"

As sands through the hourglass, so go the Bamas of our lives. My god, there have been some donkey performances this week. Where do we begin?

Paul Pierce - What the fuck was he doing last night?? Take the foul, make the free throws, and be happy to escape Conseco Fieldhouse with a W in Game 6. Do not overreact and throw a forearm shiver because you didn't like getting smacked in the face (and yes, there was definitely some flop thrown in by Tinsley). That game was the most entertaining, frustrating, exciting, brutal...hell, I'll let Doc Rivers take a shot at describing it: "That is the craziest ... game I've ever seen in my life". I hate to admit it, because he belongs on this list most nights, but 'Toine saved them again. Of course, if the refs ever called a travel, Walker would never get a shot off in the low post, but hey, it's the NBA. Game 7, tomorrow night, 7pm. This is gonna be good.

Kellen Winslow Jr. - Man, I feel for Johnny G, blapanese superstar softball player and Browns diehard. I don't get it, was Winslow psyched after watching Biker Boyz on Showtime and wanted to impress his posse? I thought only kids trying to get their license drive around a parking lot going 35 mph? When are guys gonna learn that riding a motorcycle is detrimental to their health? (heeeeeello, Jason Williams??? Jeff Kent???) Winslow looks to be out for the entire season...his dad must be so proud.

The Runaway Bride and her fiance John Mason - She's a lunatic, finally snapped, and took a bus to Albuquerque (what is she, Bugs Bunny?). He goes on the god awful Sean Hannity show and says he's gonna take her back. Moron. May these two idiotic lovebirds fade away quickly, because I can't take anymore.
UPDATE: This is why I love the New York Post. Read the article. I will simply tell you the title is "Chaste-y Retreat."

Jeff Van Gundy - OK JVG, the Commish wants you in a body bag, and you're not a very attractive man. However, those points aside, your team has just forced a Game 7, after a stellar Game 6 from T-Mac. Even the corpse of Dikembe Mutombo produced last night (10 boards, 4 blocks, 1 bottle of lotion). Game 7, tomorrow night, 9:30pm, the back end of what should be a great playoff doubleheader.

The entire 25-man roster of the New York Yankees - Hey assholes, you're in last place, tied now with the Devil Rays, who just took 3 straight from you. Alex "Dirty" Sanchez, of all people, made you his bitch last night. 11-18, in the AL East cellar, and no sign of breaking through. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but if shit continues at this pace the next 4 weeks, the Bronx Zoo will be returning full force (Gammons says they have until Memorial Day, and Gammons is God). Bonus Bama - Kevin Brown. No explanation required.

Kwame Brown - Not to beat a dead horse, but man oh man Kwame you are a donkey. The immaturity and poor decision-making have cost him a chance to be a part of the most exciting Wizards basketball run in 20 years (yes, it was a Bullets run back then, but you get the point). I am very curious to see where he ends up next year. Portland anyone?

Barry Bonds - Barry is on this list because he simply annoys the hell out of me. There are more conspiracy theories surrounding Bonds' surgeries and rehab than the NBA playoffs and referees. Plus, I thought I got a steal in my fantasy draft taking Bonds for 10 bucks, but he's really screwing me with his repeated trips to Dr. Giggles and extended rehab. Speaking of his doctor, Arthur J. Ting, he's been reprimanded twice by the CA Medical Board and is currently on probation for unprofessional conduct. Sounds about right.

Don't forget, 8pm tonight, just blocks from GTB's homebase, the Washington Wizards attempt to make the 2nd round of the playoffs for the first time since 1982. The stars of that team: Greg Ballard, Jeff Ruland, and Spencer Haywood. Woooooooooow. Go Wiz (and put a hand in Pargo's face please).

Cinco de Mayo anyone?

As if I wasn't excited enough already (yes, that's right folks, I like the Star Wars franchise AND the Star Trek franchise), apparently some critics are describing the new Star Wars film as a "bloodbath". Fantastic. The viewing public deserves this after having to survive Jar Jar Binks. I might hate that guy more than Kevin Brown. Nah, not possible.

For all you music enthusiasts out there, have I got a CD for you. Your favorite MLB players can be heard on a new charity CD called Oh Say Can You Sing? Highlights include Jeff Conine destroying Stone Temple Pilot's Plush, Sean Casey killing Toby Keith's How Do You Like Me Now? and the Indians' Ben Broussard brutalizing the U2 classic With or Without You.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have already been dubbed "TomKat" by the media. I will now go chug a bottle of bleach.

[Insert Title Stolen From Wheelhouse]

Well, it's safe to say the Kwame Brown Era in DC is over. Kwame managed to make the front page of the Washington Post, and has not one, not two, but three columns written about him and his time here in Chocolate City. The final straw was apparently a profanity-laced tirade directed at Eddie Jordan prior to practice yesterday. Kwame Brown might blossom in another NBA locale, but as of today, he is the worst #1 pick in NBA history. Michael Jordan drafted him, then along with Doug Collins, they ruined him. The kid was 18, mentally and physically frail (despite the chiseled physique, the jump from dunking on Wes Wilson to banging with Charles Oakley is a BIG jump), and he couldn't handle 1/100th of the pressure of the NBA. Collins even made the kid break out in acne from the stress. Just a disaster. Kwame, we fare thee well (LaRue Martin's on Line 1).

Paula Abdul, pop icon, lunatic, and lover of American Idol contestants? ABC plans to air a story tonight claiming just that - if this is true, I hope Abdul has a historic meltdown on next week's Idol (The contestant, Corey Clark, claims Abdul coached him, dressed him, groomed him...and bedded him). Each time I see her, she seems to be struggling just to spit out sentences (the only person more drunk then her on a Tuesday night is Butt), and I am waiting for the week where Simon just hits her in the back of the head with a folding chair.

Whatever happened to Pop-Up Video? You telling me VH1 couldn't fit in an episode or two between Strange Love marathons? And speaking of VH1 programming, catch the Vanilla Ice Remaking show. Rob Van Winkle apparently wasn't aware of the title of the show, because he would rather have dogs rip off his nuts than change anything. Word to your mother Ice.

Speaking of disasters, how about my New York Yankees? Here's what they pulled out of their bag of tricks in the last week:
-Promoted Everybody Wang Chung Tonight from Triple AAA
-Promoted 2B prospect Robinson Cano
-Moved Tony Womack to Left Field (mind you, he's never played LF in his life)
-Moved Hideki Matsui to Center Field
-Left Bernie Williams scratching himself in the dugout
Since no athlete has killed anyone lately, or got caught with their hand in the steroids jar (Juan Rincon does not count), this Yankees team and their current struggles are smack dab in the middle of the sports media cycle. Most of it is justified, as no team paying it's players 200 million dollars should be struggling this bad, but it is a tad bit over the top. Let's give it a little more time people. Now, that being said, let me give a nominee for May's Most Hated Brother (remember, April was Peter Angelos) - Kevin Brown, step right up. I hate this guy so very very much. Honestly, he should be released. I would rather have Swint throw to big league hitters than send Brown back out to the mound (not a good day for the surname Brown).

I would pay alot of money to see Jeff Van Gundy and David Stern settle all differences dressed in those giant sumo suits you see at the County Fair.

Happy Birthday Lance Bass. I hope you get my card.

Just wanted to mention this - Jason Michaels and Pat Burrell, currently teammates on the Philadelphia Phillies, both went to the University of Miami. At the same time. And were college roommates. Again, just wanted to share this interesting nugget with you, the loyal reader.

Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma...More than 40 residents of a Cleveland County nursing home are being relocated after numerous violations prompted regulators to shut down the facility. Among the violations at the Noble Residential Care Home were rodent droppings, urine on kitchen plates and bowls and cockroaches "too numerous to count'' crawling on a resident's clothes and beds.

Let's end this baby in style. I will be tuning into this show, no doubt...Britney Spears and hubby Kevin Federline's new reality series now has a title: "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic." Featuring what UPN bills as "exclusive, never-before-seen private home videos they shot themselves during their courtship, engagement and wedding," the six-episode series will premiere with a special one-hour episode May 17 (9 p.m. ET). A video clip is available on UPN's Web site. Spears, 23, announced last month that she is pregnant with the couple's first child. Spears and Federline were married in September.

Sunday School

Begin with a 2-foot kick-in for my first birdie of the year . . . which the missus wouldn't concede and I proceeded to botch. Lesson learned: If you want to lie and tell your boys you had a good round of golf, make sure your wife isn't playing with you. Move to a nice relaxing afternoon viewing of the film, Hotel Rwanda. Lesson learned here: You are a shitty, shitty Western white man. Give all of your 2005 salary to Amnesty International and the Red Cross. Oh, and don't kill people no matter how much you hate them - it's bad. They said so in the movie.

Ah, the nightcap . . . "Family Guy" is some show. Nice to see it back in action. That talking baby kills me every time. Doesn't matter what he says or does. And the pinnochio bit, the "time I forgot how to sit down" bit . . . foof. Couldn't get better. Oh wait, turn the channel, and there's Rosie O'Donnell playing a special (like, Greg Maddux special) woman on a CBS original drama (comedy). Jesus tits, now that's good stuff. Sweet dreams, Dennis.

You guys playing cards?

Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode...And every spring, the Celtics fail to win a road playoff game, the latest example being the absolute implosion in Indiana last night (BOOM! Reggie Miller). It's been said before, but it bears repeating - the rookies can't guard Reggie. Sure, physically they can, because he's old as dirt, but Reggie is abusing them off screens, and the refs love Reggie...Tony Allen and Delonte West don't have a chance. Sidebar: When you're making Ricky Davis look sane and functional there is something seriously wrong, Antoine Walker (there is sure to be a suspension here...notch up a big L for Game 4). As I told Jerry the other day, SG got this series very wrong.

Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude...Is that what Mr. Cruise is looking for in Ms. Holmes? Or is he looking to finally convert one of his gal pals to his freaky cult religion? I'm sorry, but I can't belong to a religion that gives us Battleship Earth. Electing the religion's leader via smoke clouds? Yep, sign me up (what's that you say? I belong to that one? Oh right, silly me). But Travolta looking like a third-rate Klingon? No chance. (perhaps the Klingon reference is a bit much for my readership)

The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me...Or, in this case, that foot is President George W. Bush crushing the hopes and dreams of the future Mrs. Simspon by pre-empting the OC last night. There's only 4 episodes left people! She needs her OC! (I was gonna do some sort of "Big Toe" Sgt. Hulka joke here, but that would be crossing the streams, and as Egon has told us many times, crossing the streams would be very bad)

They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!...I don't even have something for this. It's simply the best line in the movie, and it needs to be included. Perhaps this is the right place to mention this. Oh man, if The Wilk has any Paul Shirley in him, this might be entertaining.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son...Well look at that, I didn't even have to reach for a quote to attach to John Rocker. Rocker is apparently back in baseball, pitching for the Long Island Ducks of the independent Atlantic League. And, as we all had hoped, his debut was a debacle. Rocker walked four batters in the ninth inning and lost 4-3 to the Bridgeport Bluefish. Welcome back jackass.

What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...Dead. Schilling, dead. Yankees...not dead yet, despite their first losing April in a decade. (I think, I sent my fact checker to get me coffee) This team is getting old very fast, but I am not about to write them off in April, as some actual sports writers are doing. I simply do not believe the Orioles are going to win 95 games and beat out both the Red Sox and Yankees and win the AL East. And please don't get me started on the White Sox and their crazy-ass manager. That team is a .500 team at best. Lock it up. They start Jose Contreras AND El Duque for god sakes. Those two guys are the Cuban equivalent of Statler and Waldorf. (and if you don't get that, well, I can't help you)

May I have ten thousand marbles, please?...Sounds like something Michael Jackson might say. You do all realize he's gonna get off, right? (pun very much intended)

How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein? How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?...It's still April, so I need to get one more shot in on Peter Angelos, that a-hole.

SI disrespects The Tribe

Lang Campbell
Grade: 3.13
Position: QB Class: School: William & Mary Conference: Atlantic 10 Ht., Wt.: 6-2, 199 40 Time: 4.74

Grading System
BIO: Two-year starter and recipient of the 2004 Payton Award after passing numbers of 65.5 percent/3,988/30/5. All-Conference and All-America selection as a senior.

POSITIVES: Former walk-on who blossomed into one of the better small-school quarterbacks in the nation. Patient pocket passer who buys time for receivers and displays solid arm strength. Sets up with good footwork, accurate between the numbers, and leads receivers over the middle. Zips the intermediate throws and puts air under corner routes. Looks off the safety and possesses a quick release.

NEGATIVES: Directs throws and only average pass placement outside of twenty yards. Short arms his motion. Stares down primary targets from the get-go and not averse to throwing in a crowd.

ANALYSIS: A productive passer who has an outstanding touchdown-to-interception ratio, Campbell lacks the pure size and arm strength to be anything other than a practice squad player.

PROJECTION: Undrafted Free Agent

How about a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up?

Curt Schilling needs to learn when to drone on and on about his courageous performances and when to simply keep his mouth shut. An entire Nation of sports fans have given Curt carte blanche to speak his mind, but I think these people forget what a loud mouth arrogant prick this guy is. What generated this early morning attack at Sir Curt (besides lack of coffee)? These asinine comments directed toward Devil Ray manager Lou Piniella, after yet another scrum between Piniella's hapless bunch and Schilling's Sox teammates:

"The problem is when you're playing a team with a manager who somehow forgot how the game is played, there's problems," Schilling said on a Boston radio station Tuesday. "This should have been over a little bit ago. Lou's trying to make his team be a bunch of tough guys, and the telling sign is when the players on that team are saying, 'This is why we lose 100 games a year, because this idiot makes us do stuff like this.' They [Rays players] said that on the field."

Mr. Schilling, Lou Piniella doesn't need me to defend him (mainly because he did a damn good job himself, see below), but I feel compelled to anyway because of your arrogance. Can't you keep your mouth shut? Having him on the DL only makes it worse - perhaps he has some grand plan to fix the country's Social Security problems. Don't worry, if he does, he'll let us know all about it.

Sweet Lou's response to fathead:

"Forget how the game is played? I have forgotten more baseball than this guy knows," Piniella said.
"On the idiot subject, I'm appalled he would actually say something like that. I had a meeting with my team and to a man they denied it. He's questioning my character and integrity and that is wrong. He's never played for me, never really spoken to me, so he really doesn't know what I stand for.
"If I were Curt, I would be really embarrassed at the cheap shot he took and get the story correct. I'll tell you I've always admired his pitching ability and competitiveness, but I can honestly tell you I've lost a lot of respect for him. I'm looking forward to talking to Curt myself and get this matter cleared up," he said.

And Squirrel, before you get on your high horse (ladder-aided of course) to defend your post-season hero...how was Gordon Matthew Sumner last night? Did he open with Fields of Gold?

Recipe for a great day.

Ingredients:

1. Hangover from 6-9 Miller Lites at the Nats game
2. Broken coffee machine in company break room
3. PCS phone.

Cooking instructions:

Stir first two ingredients until thoroughly mixed. Drop PCS phone into toilet while taking morning shit until fully soaked/covered. Blend two mixtures together under high heat. Add salt to taste. Enjoy.

Never Fear, My Favorite Punchline Is Here

CANTON, Ohio - The City Council is considering renaming a street for the O'Jays, and the move has been revised to avoid confusing the honor with O.J. Simpson.
Councilman Thomas West has proposed renaming a portion of Mahoning Road in tribute to the singing group that got their start in Canton. The council discussed the idea Monday night and could vote next month.
One business was concerned that people would think the street was named after Simpson, acquitted of the 1994 murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ron Goldman. West agreed to change the request to The O'Jays Boulevard instead of O'Jays Boulevard.
The O'Jays, whose songs include "Back Stabbers," "Love Train" and "For the Love of Money," were inducted last month into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I've already sent an email to the higher-ups in Latham, NY demanding Pershing Drive (otherwise knows as the home to Casa de Simspon) be renamed O.J. Simpson Lane.

- The catch by the Wichita State kid (Go Shockers!) last night was absolutely insane. The fact that college kids still use aluminum bats is also absolutely insane. How has some poor 3B not died yet?

- I know everyone is dying to know who won Nashville Star, and I'm here to tell you - 18 year old Erika Jo. She beat some Buddy Holly-looking donkey and some other guy from Oklahoma. Good for her. However, I need to discuss this Cowboy Troy guy, who performed last night in the show's opening. Who the hell is this guy? Is that Olden Polynice dressed as a cowboy?

- A-Rod, wow...Nice work. You reminded me of Mark Whiten last night. Apparently, all the Yankees need to do is score double digit runs a game, and they'll be all set. Speaking of scoring tons of runs every game, how about those Orioles? Man can they mash. I think we are going to have a very nice three team race this summer in the AL East (yes, I am dismissing Toronto and Tampa Bay, sue me)

- The odds of Dewon Brazelton ever winning a game on the road (he is 0-13 in his first 17 road starts) are about the same as Butt not being hungover today.

Sammy's No Liar

Let's be honest, everyone knows he lied about the corked bat incident. Everyone knows he lied about steroid abuse. Everyone knows he lied about sneezing so hard he needed to go on the DL. Until yesterday morning around 9:00 A.M., Dennis was part of that vast majority on all three counts. No more. He is a believer now. After rolling out of bed to get ready for the noon Golf Tournament at St. Andrews AFB (Yes, I known, these hours!! It's the King - he's repressing us all!), your humble author let out a pollen-infested blast nearly knocking him to the floor. It's still unclear how the little man with the knife got into the bedroom, but there he was, standing at attention, stabbing poor Dennis in the back the very moment the sneeze erupted.

There's no way that bat was corked on purpose. Sammy said so.

Ouch. Leaning over to type hurts very much.

Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire and I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan...together, we're WYLD STALLYNS...To Gilbert Arenas and Larry Hughes, who I am openly rooting for to lead the Wiz to a first round playoff victory over the Bulls (and by the way, can we stop calling them the Baby Bulls? Who came up with that, Wilbon?). Arenas and Hughes will need to dominate Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich on both ends if the Wiz are to win the series.

It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude"...To Christian Guzman, who not only cost the Nationals the game yesterday afternoon, but also cost John Patterson a much needed win for my fantasy team. At this point in the season, I wouldn't trade a bottle of Paul Newman's Balsamic Vinaigrette for Guzman and his .140 average (I had actually typed .160, then went to look it up, and go figure, this donkey is hitting even worse then .160)

You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!...I figured this was the right spot to take a shot at Peter Angelos. What a dickweed.

OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of? 69, dudes...Whoa...For anyone who knows me, this is the line in the movie that always gets me, no matter how many times I watch. 69 dudes...I'm cracking up right now typing this.

Uh, Ms. Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our... friends...this is Dave Beeth Oven...and, uh, Maxine of Arc, Herman the Kid, Bob "Genghis" Khan, So-crates Johnson, Dennis Frood...and uh, uh...Abraham Lincoln...To the North Carolina mass exodus, a list of names almost as distinguished as those referenced above. Sean May, Raymond Felton, Rashad McCants, and most likely Marvin Williams are all leaving Chapel Hill early for the NBA. I will be very curious to see how Roy Williams does next year without these guys.

You ditched Napoleon. Do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas...He was a dick...Hey Peter Angelos, I'm looking right at you. Well, actually, I need to look down to look at you, but you get my point.

Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?...To Pedro Martinez, who has jumped back into the conversation of best pitchers of all time after jumping back to the National League. Pedro looked absolutely dominant again last night. Plus he's quirky as all get out.

Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... San Dimas High School football rules...To tomorrow's NFL Draft, the best damn reality show on television. Here's to Mel Kiper's hair and Chris Berman's ego.

If you thought yesterday’s post was trivial...

…just wait ‘til you get a load of this:

* All right, I’ll say it, the new Mix 107.3 is fantastic. I was treated to a Murderer’s Row of Tone Loc, Fine Young Cannibals (FYC to all you hipsters out there) and Bon Jovi in one 15 minute stretch the other night. Too bad the new musical selections can’t keep Jack Diamond from being the biggest douchebag on the planet.

* Ah yes, the Michael Jackson case. Just when you thought you couldn’t be grossed out enough by that freak Jacko, this comes out…
In a bombshell motion filed in closed court, prosecutor Tom Sneddon has obtained testimony from a former Neverland security guard - a guard who claims he fetched Vaseline for an aroused King Of Pop! In 1993: "Jackson called Abdool and asked him to go to Jackson's car and get a jar of Vaseline from the center console of the vehicle and bring it to his bedroom. Chacon and Abdool opened the unlocked door of the black SUV, retrieved the Vaseline and headed for Jackson's bedroom. When Jackson opened the door to his bedroom, Jackson was wearing only his pajama bottoms, appeared sweaty, aroused and Abdool observed Jackson to have an erection under his pajama bottoms. There was a young boy, who he believed was Jordie, in the bedroom with Mr. Jackson.”

May Michael Jackson burn in hell…

* Well, at least they’ve started the season on a tear, oh wait…The New York Yankees will be hit with a record luxury tax this year - Initial projections by the commissioner's office based on opening-day rosters have the Yankees owing $30,637,531. What the Yankees are paying in luxury tax is more than the entire payroll of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The only other team projected to owe a tax (no surprise here) is the World Series champion Boston Red Sox, who would pay $969,177.

* The NBA Playoffs have arrived, and the Boston Celtics are in serious trouble against a very motivated and very talented (even without nutty Ron Artest) Indiana Pacers team. I just have this strange feeling that “Boom” Reggie Miller is gonna want to go out in style, and the Celts will be victim #1 in Round 1. The chances of me screaming obscenities at Antoine Walker Saturday night around 9pm – 100%.

* Anyone else have an inkling this might occur…Patrick Ewing Jr. is transferring from Indiana…to Georgetown, to play for JT3. So far, I can only liken the disparity in talent between father and son to Men at Work star Emilio Estevez and not-so-proud papa Martin Sheen.

* I had some frosted blueberry Pop Tarts this morning for the first time in years, and I’ll tell you what, they were god damned delicious. And nutritious.

* Wow, first Dolce & Gabbana, and now this:
NEW YORK (AP) - Paris Hilton is hot ... over something Nicole Richie did. But the hotel heiress isn't saying what's behind the feud with her co-Simple Life' star. "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends,'' Hilton said in a statement Wednesday. "Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I'm ever going to say about it.''

* I guess anyone can be an internet writer…

April 20, 2005

Hello Fans,
Last week I went to Los Angeles for the Dodgers home opener. It was a real positive week for me, especially in my rehab. I would like to thank the fans in LA for the warm welcome -- ha ha! On Wednesday, I returned to my city, San Francisco. Thursday and Friday, Harvey, Tony and I walked the hill and the beach for the first time. Afterwards, we went to the ball park where I did my normal icing, sit-ups and leg strengthening exercises on my left leg. Right now, I can't do too much on my right leg.

My spirits were really high on Saturday after I did a little work in the Swim-Ex. I was able to do some much-needed cardio, which was very encouraging. On Sunday, I did the same thing. I made another step forward in improving the strength in my leg and my knee on Monday the 18th. It's a slow process, but nothing means more to me than being out on the field with my teammates, so I have to do my best to get healthy. I would much rather be on the field entertaining the fans than doing rehab.

Some fans were asking about what I do after rehab. My day starts at 6 a.m. and I finish with rehab around 12 or 1 p.m. I then go home and take a nap. After I wake up, I eat and take care of baseball-related work. This also involves answering emails, which I have a lot of fun doing. Right now, I'm taking the time to answer fan mail because once I get back on the field, my free time will be nonexistent! In between all the business, I talk with my family -- they are the most important thing in my life. Another hobby I really enjoy is exploring my creative side in the area of digital painting. Jeremy Sutton, the author of Painter IX Creativity, is working with me. Jeremy, Tony and I are working on some design pieces which will be incorporated into the new website design, that is coming soon.

Barry Bonds

P.S. I hate all of you (OK, so I made that part up)

* I think I tore my sack…Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra was placed on the 15-day disabled list on Thursday due to a torn left groin. Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal said the muscle pulled away from the bone (OUCH!), the Chicago Tribune reports. Garciaparra and Cubs doctors are expected to make a decision in regards to surgery sometime in the next ten days - the initial report says he'll miss two-to-three months.

Enter At Your Own Risk

It appears the ASS is a regular accident waiting to happen ... watch out for deaf ree-ree's and low railings . . . I hope ol' Gheorghe has supervision at all times if he ever decides to catch a game.

WASHINGTON -- A man was critically injured when he fell from the top level of RFK Stadium after the Atlanta Braves- Washington Nationals game Wednesday night.

The 35-year-old man, whose identity was not immediately revealed, fell from a ramp on the 500 level of the stadium, hit several ramps and railings on the way down and landed on the concourse of the 100 level, said Alan Etter, District of Columbia Fire and Emergency Medical Services spokesman.

A witness said the man was looking over a railing before he fell.

I'll have what he's having

Look at these numbers:
.421 BA, .507 OBP, 6 HR, 17 RBI, 16 R, 6 SB

These are the stats through 14 games of Orioles 2B Brian Roberts (all 5'9", 178 lbs. of him). Any other year, the steroid jokes would be flying fast and furious at Mr. Roberts (as well as the obvious comparison to former juicer/flamer/Orioles lead-off hitter Brady Anderson). Howevah (said in my Scott Van Pelt imitating Stephen A. Smith voice), Roberts would have to be an absolute moron to be on the juice this year. Instead, (hopefully) Roberts is just a very pleasant spring surprise, as are his Orioles. My hated for Peter Angelos will probably limit my references to the O's throughout the season, but it's hard not to recognize Roberts for his incredible start to the season (plus it means I can ignore yet another Yankees loss to an inferior opponent). I mean, this is a guy whose career high in home runs is 5, and his career TOTAL is 18. Kudos to you, Brian Roberts. Perhaps this short read will lead Robert "Squirrel" Russell to hit a few long flies tonight in our Angry Men softball opener (and Rob, I mean long flies to the outfield, not the SS) .

By the way, if you haven't read this account of a recent entertaining trip to the ASS to see the Nats, you're really missing out.

MLB AARP Update: Frank Robinson is a spry 70 years old, while Jack McKeon is 75 years old. "Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?"

Hmmm, not what you want to hear on Day 1 of your Pope-ing:
REGENSBURG, Germany (AFP) - The brother of Pope Benedict XVI Georg Ratzinger, 81, said he was "very concerned" and "shocked" upon hearing that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger had been elected as head of the Roman Catholic Church because of his age and frail health.
"I am very concerned. I would have thought his advanced age and his health which is not very stable would have been reason enough for the cardinals to pick someone else," said a visibly moved Georg in an interview on German television after the election of his 78-year-old brother.

What kind of plane is it?

Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol....

Some odds and ends from the weekend...
I forgot to mention this when writing about the Nats game, but what is the etiquette in the dugout when a guy is vying for the cycle? Is it the hush-hush no-hitter routine of not even mentioning it? I was thinking it's the exact opposite, especially when it's Vinny Castilla. "Yo Vinny, you realize you have a double, triple and homer right? Go hit for that cycle big boy." Then Vinny promptly gets plunked by some douchebag French reliever.

The 1st place team in the NL East...the Washington Nationals. Good for them, good for DC, good for me as they play 15 minutes away. My hope is they can stay in contention for at least half a season, mainly just to stick it to Peter Angelos. Have I mentioned how much I hate that guy?

Matt Doherty is going to be the coach at Florida Atlantic? He isn't qualified to coach a better club? No offense to Florida Atlantic (10-17 last year), but I would've thought Doherty would end up at a much higher profile program. The highlight of this hiring: Doherty plans on putting former Kansas star Rex Walters on his staff as an assistant coach.

Is Orioles radio man Joe Angel related in anyway to Pirates closer Joe Table?

To all those Deadwood fans out there, this is the best fucking site you'll ever see.

Who's 4-8 and dead last in the American League? That's right, my New York Yankees (tied with the Devil Rays and Royals). Everyone from SportsGuy to the a-hole three rows back on my flight wants to know when George is going to burst. Well, I think George has finally had it:
"Enough is enough. I am bitterly disappointed, as I'm sure all Yankee fans are, by the lack of performance by our team," Steinbrenner said in a statement issued immediately after the game. "It is unbelievable to me that the highest-paid team in baseball would start the season in such a deep funk. They are not playing like true Yankees. They have the talent to win and they are not winning. I expect Joe Torre, his complete coaching staff and the team to turn this around."

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Oh, I’m sorry, I wanted to give a recap of my trek to RFK last night (wait, it’s now called Armed Services Stadium…let’s give some credit to Geoff Butt, and all agree to call it The ASS from now on), but I am contractually obligated to discuss ad nauseam the Gary Sheffield/Fenway Fan scuffle. Blah Blah Blah…this ain’t Mike and Mike…let’s get to some Chocolate City ball.

(Can we pause for a moment to talk about how great the new job is? At 3:45 or so yesterday, I was herded up to our roof for beer and hot dogs and pretzels. Really? That’s how this works? Just wait ‘til I get that Diner’s Club card and go crazy…)

Baseball in DC...what could ever go wrong (Poor preparation? Nah, never happen). Now I am not here to put a negative spin on last night's festivities, because the ballgame and the atmosphere were simply amazing. I am simply here to mock the incompetence that is inherent in anything DC seems to do (especially when it comes to baseball).

Let’s table my bitching and moaning for a second to praise the Washington Nationals for a very solid W last night (and let’s praise Chris for getting us tickets, entertaining tickets in the Uecker seats – I could touch the wall of The ASS - that allowed me to see all the empty seats jackasses chose not to fill on the most historic baseball night in DC in a generation…sorry, that was a little Boswellian). I never expected to say this, but I saw a pretty decent team on the field last night. Livan Hernandez is an absolute workhorse, the top of the Nats lineup has some very dangerous lefties (including the second coming of Mickey Mantle, “The Wilk”), and the bullpen seems to have some live arms who don’t have CHOKE written all over them (John Franco, I’m looking at you buddy…speaking of Mr. Franco, I bet there are two very giddy Mets fans this morning after win number 4). I was pleasantly surprised by the stadium and what I viewed as a B+ environment for seeing a game (lots of spontaneous cheering, nobody throwing flares at goalies). The rickety old seats could use a facelift, and the stairs are a nightmare (even Swint’s feet are too big for these stairs), but all in all the stadium held up…

… (Here comes the bitching) You would’ve thought we were in downtown Calcutta with the amount of people inside and outside of the ballpark. Nowhere to move, nowhere to go, lines that never seemed to end. I mean, I wasn’t sure if I was on the Orange Line Metro coming to the game or a refugee train speeding out of some Middle Eastern country with refugee problems and refugee trains. And don’t even get me started about the people on the Metro…seriously, I was squeezed up against two guys having the worst sports conversation ever, much worse than any crap Mike and Mike throw out there (wow, those guys get mentioned twice in this post). The only saving grace to that conversation is the two donkeys sounded exactly like Mayhugh and Cleveland. Now that made me chuckle.

Tangent #1…The funniest thing about the lame CheerStix that were handed to us as we walked in isn’t that they’re called “CheerStix”; it’s the following instructions on the bag:
“To bang: Hold the CheerStix 12-18 inches apart and then slam them together.”
This is absolutely something I could here Greg saying to a girl at 4am on a Saturday night.

Back to the lines…of course we were outside The ASS well past 7:05, so W’s first pitch was missed by half the crowd, a crowd treated to some of the worst protest chants in the history of protest chants. Ironic given these folks were teachers…you would think they would’ve done some prep work between cigarettes and Red Bulls in the Teacher’s Lounge. Fast forward to making it to the seats just in time to see Livan throw the first pitch for the Natty’s, a strike to Craig Counsell…waited through the first hit by Nick Johnson (who is better than Giambi right now, no doubt)…then thought it was time for a brew and a dog. That’s when it happened – everyone donkey in the place was in a line, for something, and there were no ways around any lines, and people were getting antsy, and (wait for it) THEY RAN OUT OF EVERYTHING. HOT DOGS, PRETZELS, BEER…OH MY. This happened to me, and two others I was with – and they had waited for 30 minutes at least in line. What a debacle. People were openly cheering strangers who survived the 2 inning wait and made it back to their seats with any sort of food or drink. The hero of the night award goes to my cahort who returned after 2 full innings with 4 hot dogs – best damn hot dog ever. I’m pretty sure there are still people waiting in line this morning.

Tangent #2…Bama of the Week Week Week…Stupid Frenchman Lance Cormier beans Vinny Castilla in the 8th when he’s a single away from the cycle. The venom that ensued was AWESOME, and I only hope that sort of passion stays with DC fans for a long time. I wish I could find that Peter Angelos clip where he said DC had no real baseball fans. What an ass that guy is. I hope the Orioles draw nobody in the next 3 years and he has to sell that team.

Anyway, terrific game, terrific atmosphere, DC wasn’t quite ready (or maybe it was because Bushie was there), but whatever, it…was…awesome. As I left to take the Metro home, I began to see a very large crowd gathered. Are they waiting for players? Is a motorcade leaving? Nope…it was 3,000 people in line for the Metro. F that, I walked (briskly) through the “transitional” neighborhood (read: ghetto) next to The ASS, making it home in 15 minutes, in time to see the Sheffield incident referenced above (which you can be sure will be beaten into the ground for the next 3 days). I’m going back as soon as possible, who’s with me?

Calling You Out: Thomas Orenthal James Simspon

TJ, I am officially asking you to step it up over here at Gheorghe. Milhouse Van Houten the Simspons (sic)character is named after Richard Nixon's middle name and the spelling is only altered slighty. Your grasp on television minutia is slipping. Meanwhile, did you really just recap all of the recent posts? Is this a clip show?

Moreover, every site evolves over time, but you are steering this ship until November with Rob and me at MLC, so let's see something, dammit. Remember the guy who wrote:

http://gheorghe77.blogspot.com/2004/08/original-thought-for-once.html

I often enjoy your Leno-esque/Chuck Shepherd news of the Weird news reporting, but it has to be a segment among many, not a poor man's Smoking Gun blog. Put your oddly thorough knowledge of pop culture, your interesting twist on anything resembling fashion, and your bizarre antipathy toward anything with more than three ingredients and meld them together in a website that is Extreme TJ. Outline your diet for the week and tell us what classy ensemble you threw together today. Give out your bull-in-the-china-shop engagement period blunders. Rehash ancient yarns about The Old TJ, the guy who drank until he bled from the ears.

Be the blog, TJ, be the blog.

And Dennis, any more anti-Oriental comments and Jack Blapanese and I are going to pay you a little visit.

[By the way, my use of "Oriental" was tongue in cheek, but if that term really is actually offensive to people (who don't have dictionaries, since their interpreation of it defies all true English usage), isn't it just a matter of time before the PC Police deem "Asian" an offensive term because it's geared at the race of people formerly classified as Mongoloid (before that term came to mean Down's syndrome victim) and wholly ignores Asians like Indians, Middle Easterners, some Russians, and the oft-maligned Nepalese??? How abhorrently cruel to those people, really.]

But I digress. This post was meant to motivate TJ to take Gheorghe to a place that doesn't insult its namesake. I know he can do it. I would, but I'm too busy running another blog into the ground.

Everything is coming up Milhouse

It's Day 4 at the new gig, and I must say, things are going splendidly, minus the annoyance of Lotus Notes. Who are the ad wizards that came up with this? It is nice though to tell your new boss, "Yeah, I've gotten alot done; in fact, in the last 2 hours I figured out how to change the background color on my email." Yesterday, I was told I will be getting a Diner's Club card, and I immediately wondered outloud if I would be the only person under the age of 65 with one. I hear Telly Savalas will present the card to me as soon as he is done burning down Ving Rhames' house. Enough about the job - I am thoroughly pumped because I'm going to see the hometown Nats tonight in their RFK opener, and if I keep consumption levels low enough, I am hoping for a nice little recap tomorrow. Got Wilk?

Best Wiz Update of the Year:
Eastern Conference
1. z-Miami
2. y-Detroit
3. x-Boston
4. x-Chicago
5. x-Indiana
6. x-Washington
7. Cleveland
8. Philadelphia
9. New Jersey
And that wonderful "x" means the Wiz have clinched a Playoff Spot. I look forward to that case of Coors Light Mr. Laster.

Some housekeeping issues from below:
- Dennis hates Ichiro. I don't know why, but he does, and frankly, I have no problem with that. Hopefully Dennis can expand his hatred to all races and religions, not just Japanese singles hitters. Reach for the stars Dennis.

- Mr. Wilson posted a clip, a Mr. T clip, below, and if you haven't watched it yet, shame on you. Mr. T at his finest.

- Mr. Earls directed my attention to a RIDICULOUS story involving a former NFL kicker, and man oh man, it sure does have a hint of the insanity that was Ray Finkle. If Cole Ford changes his name to Lois Einhorn we have a problem.

Olden Polynice strikes again...
WINDERMERE, Fla. -- Police across the state are on the lookout for a man pretending to be the Windermere police chief. He's already pulled one woman over, but she managed to get away.
The chief of police in Windermere just put the "be on the lookout" alert in effect Wednesday afternoon. It seems this impersonator has pretended to be the chief before. But, last night, the man slipped up and his intended victim knew it.

Finally, in my capacity as Governor of Cheeseland, I decree...
MADISON, Wis. (AP) - A proposal to legalize the killing of feral cats is not going to succeed, Gov. Jim D said Wednesday.
"I don't think Wisconsin should become known as a state where we shoot cats," said D, a Democrat who neither hunts nor owns a cat. "What it does is sort of hold us up as a state that everybody is kind of laughing at right now."

0 for 4, donkey!

Dear Mr. Ichiro,

We regret to inform you that you are not, in fact, Joe DiMaggio. The greater American baseball media community will be posting letters of apology to the public in the near future for misleading them and misrepresenting you.

Warmest Regards,
Dennis.

Mr. 8 Day Rental Strikes Again

July 2003 - Jerry Stackhouse of the Washington Wizards was charged with assault in a dispute over a rental contract for a home he was staying at on the North Carolina coast.

April 2005 - The on-court pushing, shoving and arguing that Dallas' Jerry Stackhouse and Utah's Kirk Snyder continued in a hallway after a recent game resulted Monday in a one-game suspension without pay for both players. The incident lasted less than a minute near the Jazz team bus following an 88-81 win by the Mavericks on Saturday night.

Jerry Stackhouse is a horrific a-hole.

Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking...Just a moment...

It's Day 1 of my new job. Anyone familiar with this Lotus Notes crap?

My lunch consisted of a sampler of Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers and Extreme Fajitas.

I still need to locate the most secluded restroom for dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool.

I need to make sure not to google "Naked Natalie Portman" for at least a week.

I need to wiggle my way into a Wiz luxury box for the playoffs.

And has anyone seen my Swingline stapler?

OK, so are they trying to make Philly fans look good?...GLASGOW, Scotland (AP) — Fans at a Scottish Cup soccer game jeered during a minute's silence for Pope John Paul II on Sunday, forcing the tribute to be cut short.

Um, is this for real?...DUBAI (Reuters) - The United Arab Emirates, under pressure to stamp out the use of children as camel jockeys, plans to introduce robot riders this year, newspapers said on Sunday.

1:07pm First Pitch?

1:07? Stupid Canadians.

Boston (2-2) at Toronto (2-2)
Preview - Box Score - Recap
Game Info: 1:07 pm EDT Sat Apr 9, 2005 TV: NESN, RSN

- By the way, Lebron is throwing the season. NoreallyPeterVecseysaidso.

- This Celine Dion is something special.

- Are these all non sequiters ? Is there a dash in non sequiter?

Got Wilk?

Yes folks, that's a joke for 3. The Chocolate City Nats got themselves in the win column last night, their first of maybe 62, and CF Brad Wilkerson hit for the cycle (for the second time in his career). The Wilk has been favorably compared to The Mick by the Nats radio guys (idiots), who are also under the impression that Wilkerson doing spoof Got Milk ads would be the funniest thing in the history of mankind. I'm serious, it's well documented.

Apparently, Hall & Oates are still touring. That's the joke.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's . .

So, I was fortunate to score some box tickets to the Wiz-Celts game last night at the ol' missy. And boy was I in for a treat. Not because the game was anything special (Wiz looked like poo poo against the "8-less" Celts) or the catored spread in the luxury suite was oh so scrumdeliumptious. No, for none of these reasons was my evening an unexpected surprise. The treat revealed itself as I pulled into the parking garage on 6th Street around tip-off. As I rounded one of those painfully tight curves leading downward into the catacombs of MCI Center, I noticed a figure walking towards me in the middle of the roadway. It was a gangly looking fellow in a really bad suit shuffling up the parking tunnel where people clearly are not supposed to be walking. Was this guy completely lost, drunk, both? Who knew? As I drove further down the ramp and the distance between the man and my car shortened, another fact fell into place. This man was really tall. He was kind of slouching as he walked, but there was still no mistaking his height. It appeared he was actully ducking to keep his head from whacking the clearance sign hanging above the tunnel. I'm somewhere between 6 and 9 feet from pummeling this wayward giant when it becomes clear who was stumbling towards me . . .

The man somehow managed to squeeze by me between the driver-side of the car and the concrete wall beside him. Still not sure how I didn't trample his size 18's as I pulled by - hmm? Anyway, I wasn't as fortunate as you might think - as he squeezed by, ASS TOWARDS THE WALL - I got an unsettling view of his crotch through the window in super slo-mo. Will probably haunt me for years to come. Quite uncomfortable at this point as you might imagine, so I couldn't get any good documentation. So, I just continued on to my parking spot and place in the unnamed corporate box.

However, fate dealt me second ace on this particular night. During a timeout, Wiz down 15 or so, I walked out into the box-level hallway to make a phone call. I yapped for a minute or two and then, without even a hint of a closing remark, snapped shut the phone, Huggy Lowdown-style. Immediately kicked the trusty PCS phone into camera-mode and snapped this picture of our story's unnamed protagonist . . . see if you recognize him . . .

Dennis set record for longest link ever

Bumming Dome

Season tickets in the nosebleed seats. Unreal. Somebody just shoot me in the face. I don't even have any crappy articles to post. No Inferno II jokes. No Wiz update. No musings on the Yankees winning Games 8 and 9.

Hey, I think I saw this movie...

...It was called Basic, had Travolta and Sam Jackson in it:

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Five American soldiers have been arrested for trying to smuggle hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of cocaine into the United States on a U.S. military aircraft, the U.S. military said.
The five unidentified Army personnel were detained on Tuesday and are being held in the United States for "allegedly trying to transport approximately 16 kilograms (35 lb) of cocaine," U.S. Southern Command said in a news release late on Thursday.

In other totally unrelated news, Pat Bu-cannot-win was assaulted with salad dressing:

KALAMAZOO, Mich. (AP) - Commentator and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan cut short an appearance after an opponent of his conservative views doused him with salad dressing.
"Stop the bigotry!'' the demonstrator shouted as he hurled the liquid Thursday night during the program at Western Michigan University. The incident came just two days after another noted conservative, William Kristol, was struck by a pie during an appearance at a college in Indiana.

"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken":

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Frank Perdue, the Maryland farmer who revolutionized the poultry industry and gave chicken a brand name, died Friday following a brief illness at the age of 84.

So this version of Death coming in threes was Johnnie Cochran, Terri Schiavo, and Frank Perdue. Too bad the Pope was late to the party.

Someone has to ask

I mean, it’s on everyone’s minds right – Who is gonna die first, the Pope or Terri Schiavo? The correct answer is apparently Choice C, Johnnie “If it doesn't fit, you must acquit” Cochran. A more cynical man than I would say Johnnie is getting his comeuppance for getting the guiltiest man in the history of the American Justice System off the hook. You know what, let’s instead give Johnnie his due – he’s probably the greatest criminal defense attorney in the world for manipulating the traveshamockery that was the OJ Trial so perfectly. I mean, when someone is guilty as sin (yes Virginia, he really was guilty) of basically beheading his ex-wife and her boyfriend and you can get him acquitted, well, Johnnie C, we applaud you. Oh yeah, F. Lee Bailey says hello.

Coffee, Tacos and Jellybeans…oh my

A Breakfast of Champions Vonnegut would be proud of (and yes, I have read Vonnegut). I fill this space this morning not with a lame headline, or a lame joke about the Inferno II, but rather with pure hatred for one Peter G. Angelos. I like to watch sports on TV, and I like the fact DC now has a baseball team. It would follow then that I would like to watch DC’s new baseball team on TV. Oh no, that would be waaaaay too easy. It’s less than a week ‘til the Nats open against the Phils, and there is no TV deal in place. The Asbestos King 40 miles North of Chocolate City has decided he is holding all the cards and pulling all the strings when it comes to the Washington Nationals TV deal. To this I say: WHAT???? Yes, MLB, I realize the steroids issue is a big deal, but could we take a brief moment to lay the smackdown on Angelos please. He already threw a tantrum and got his way when DC was given a team (he will get $365 million minimum from the deal); I think it’s time you pulled the plug on this egomaniac (and terrible owner). The Washington Post and the Washington Times (always the better choice) have two articles today detailing the Angelos/TV fiasco. The Times article says these “negotiations” have been going on for 6 months, to no avail. I hate that man so very very much (and I know I am not alone).

Conference, schmomference.

So, one question: Why do people make such a big deal out of how "good" a certain team's conference is?? Specifically when heading into the postseason. I hear so many people beating their chests about how deep the Big East is, or how strong the ACC is at the top. Who the f- cares about the conference? Call me weird, but if I were a Duke fan, I would pretty much hate all the other teams in the ACC (except maybe Virginia) with a passion. I would never want them to win a game, because that would mean they were happy and feeling good about themselves. Fans should have nothing but disdain for conference opponents. Why would I want an enemy to feel even the slightest bit of joy? Hmm, don't know. Maybe somewhere in The Art of War, there's a passage about respecting thy foe or preventing humiliation for fear of retribution, or some other nonsense. Wouldn't know, never read it. But, I do know that none of that crap has any place in the spirit of the college sports fan.
Now, there are some theories out there - like, the "stronger" the conference, the better prepared a team will be for the postseason - or something like that. Or, the infantile, "My team plays in the Big East, so My team has it tougher than your team". Or, "if we didn't play in the ACC, we'd be in the tourney . . ." PLLLLLLBBBBTTT!! All this BS is like the "woe is me" state of a scorned 50-year old woman, sroking one of her 25 cats while belting out lines to the song playing when she walked in on her husband in a rock hard 69 position with the 23 year old au pair. It's all pathetic really. People that subscribe to these philosophies are really just displacing their insecurities - you know, reaching for any possible way to make their team appear better than the actually are. How sad. Or even worse, complete denial - this loss doesn't feel bad because my team plays in the Big 12. Ho hum.
Can't we all just see a team's conference for what it is - a strange combo of luck and circumstance. Some committee of geeks put a group of teams together to try and make money for themselves, their schoools, and the business community. The teams beat each other up all year and do just that. People get rich. Then the mystical powers of athletics play tricks on them (and us) during the NCAA tourney. And we all find out which teams, not conferences, are the best. Who is the best team on that particular day is all that matters. I mean, can't we all pretty safely observe that "strength" of conference means absolute jack based on this year's tourney? Hello, 2 Big Ten teams (nearly 3) in the Final Four. Yeah, they were a great conference. Sure, and that lady's husband will come begging her back any day now . . .

Simply Awesome

What a tremendous weekend of college basketball...Dennis can thank the Dukies for costing him 20 bucks...I am amazed Dickie V survived the weekend...I hope to find some scathing rip jobs of Lute Olson and Tubby Smith this morning in their local papers...The song from that Adidas commercial is starting to freak me out...Fran Fraschilla just said that Sean May has "better hands than All State"...Paul Davis made himself a TON of money this weekend...If you haven't seen Tonya's meltdown on Inferno 2 yet, you're really missing out...Apparently, Ving Rhames is now the new Kojak. Telly Savalas is rolling over in his lollipop filled grave...Did you know Regis Philbin is 73 years old? He's the new Dick Clark...The baseball season starts in 6 days, and the Boston Red Sox are the defending World Series Champs. That one still stings...

The old college try

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. (AP) -- West Virginia University officials will study videotape and photographs to identify rowdy football fans who ignored pre-game pleas and set fires in the streets to celebrate the Mountaineers' 28-7 upset of No. 3 Virginia Tech.

Fire and police officials had spent two days before the game removing garbage and couches from residents' front porches. And this week, football coach Rich Rodriguez left recorded messages on students' answering machines, taped a video message shown on Mountaineer Field's scoreboard and made other requests through the media, imploring fans to act responsibly at Wednesday night's nationally televised game.

So you can eat great - even late!

Oh my.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/24/chili.finger.reut/index.html

Trouble on F(un) Street

Whitney, I think I liked it better when you didn't talk about the Wiz. Are you paying Larry Hughes to be such a pain in the ass?

"We're not playing our type of basketball, that got us this far. We need to get back to that. That's something that us as the players, that's something that we know," Hughes said. "We're not getting the ball to the basket. We're not shooting a high percentage. We're not getting easy looks."

Hughes blamed the team's struggles on Coach Eddie Jordan's emphasis on initiating the offense from the inside out, with center Brendan Haywood, forward Kwame Brown and reserve Etan Thomas. Haywood was part of the Wizards' up-tempo style in the first half of the season -- when Hughes, Jamison and Gilbert Arenas handled the scoring load -- but the focus has changed some with injuries to the team's top perimeter players and with Brown and Thomas back from injuries.

"We weren't a low post team a while ago. Now we've somehow become a low post team. It's not working," Hughes said, his voice raising. "We won on drives and dishes, that's how we get assists. We get teams moving. Once you throw it down there [in the post], it's not working. Our bigs have come back and we've tried to do things different, [but] I think we can get scores in the paint by driving and dishing."

Least surprising headline of the day..."Singer Whitney Houston Enters Rehab Again"

Anyone know who the backup catcher is for the Brewers? I've got a fantasy draft in 10 hours and I need to know.

Wiz Watch

I've been holding off on talking about Les Wizards, but it's time. It's time to proclaim that what I have been fearing would happen is well on its way to happening: the Wizards will make the playoffs, I'll buy TJ 24 crap beers, and then Washington will be bounced out of the playoffs in the first round, probably in straight sets.

Don't get me wrong -- I am still rooting for my Bullets here, but my faith in them has been worn down to a nub, so that the only faith left is the faith in their ultimate failure.

Don't get me wrong -- they could still miss the playoffs. They're currently in the 4-spot, just 5 games out of the outside-looking-in. I don't see Orlando (the current #9) surging to knock the Wiz out any time soon, as they seem to be somewhere between distracted and free-falling. The Nets (#10), however, have ripped off five in a row and could be a threat.

Here's what it comes down to: 17 games left, so there is still time to blow it, but they shouldn't. They are simply a better team than the chumps on the Eastern Conference bubble. Better coached, more talented, and better disciplined. (Not having a true superstar helps that last part.) The single greatest obstacle is that they are The Washington Bullets/Wizards and are forever doomed. Injuries have started to crop up, bad losses have infiltrated the pattern of losing to good teams and beating the bad, and there's a definitely puzzled look on the faces of Wizards Central where there used to be a quizzical smile.

The next week of games is huge -- five of six games against non-playoff teams. Of course, five of those games are on the road, too, but they are clearly winnable -- and what the Wizards do with them will be a very telltale sign of things to come. I'm saying now that if they win four of the six, it's a lock (though anyone who followed Terps basketball knows better than to prematurely use that term), if they lose four they're headed out of postseason contention, and any where in between -- which is likely what'll happen -- leaves them still in no man's land. Should be interesting.

Oh, and if they're going to plummet to the 8-seed, they might as well just drop out. They aren't what I'd call a good match for the Heat. (0-for-4 this season against Miami.)

Spaceballs the Flame Thrower...The kids love this one

Did Pat Summit just pass Lenny Wilkens, or Sadaharu Oh?

Forget about American Idol people (I did seasons ago). Nashville Star is where it's at. Tune in next week when LeAnn Rimes and Bret Michaels join forces for "a historic rendition" of "Every Rose Has It's Thorn." My idea of "a historic rendition" of that tune would be CC DeVille storming the stage and hitting Rimes in the face with a chair.

Was George Karl coaching his squad while wearing a jersey last night? I guess you can do whatever you want when you've gone 19-5 since taking over.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for Barry Bonds?

I haven't been to any country music concerts in my life, but if I were Kenny Chesney's merchandising people, I would certainly hope they have created "Kenny Chestey" half shirts for all his redneck, big breasted female fans. (I'm thinking this is my best idea since Anal Bibs)

Speaking of anal bibs, Kobe and the Lakers are finished. Kobe dropped 43 last night, and the Lakers still lost to the dreadful Jazz by 8.

Phil Jackson...LeBron James. LeBron James...Phil Jackson. Why don't you guys get to know each other.

A personal favorite of myself and Dennis, St. Lous Cardinal Rick Ankiel, apparently is coming back to the major leagues, this time as an outfielder. Wild Thing Jr., we wish you well. Rob Neyer called him "the new Von McDaniel". I have no idea what that means.

Hmm . . these colors are so very Vermont.

A most constructive method of casting aside demons that haunt you. Confront them head-on. I say, "well done, Thomas." The fine people at GTB applaud your efforts.

And hey, who says good coaching can't beat a team with more talent? My boy Beilein (who should be coach of the year in the Big East), made that rag-tag bunch of rednecks look like they were supposed to win that game, while Skip-to-my-Lou looked like he was doggy paddling into the teeth of a tsunami. I mean Skipper, at least pretend like you're in control of your team. It reminded me of George Bush in front of those first graders. Hello, your players can see you!

Oh and GTB nominee for biggest impact player of the tourney so far - Andrew Bogut. That guy can do it all. I want his baby. Ooh, was that out loud.

Welcome to Gheorghe the Blog...

...we hope you'll stay awhile. Finally, I cleaned up the formatting disaster that was GTB. Wheelhouse had already freshened up, and I noticed that Whit and Rob cleaned up MLC today, so I figured what the hell, it's not like I want to do real work, let's fix this big ugly blog. It's so fancy now...

Please welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa -- Council Bluffs, Iowa, police say the Easter Bunny has hopped his way to jail. Authorities say they got a call Saturday afternoon about a man dressed as the Easter Bunny who was causing a disturbance at a local mall. Police say the 36-year-old man told officers he was working at the mall's picture taking area when someone threw water at him. Police say the man left the area, changed clothes and came back to tell a fellow employee he was leaving. The employee says she became frightened when he started yelling at her. Police say the suspect also threatened another person to get out of his way. He's charged with two counts of harassment.

SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK!!!

(I mean, come on, who didn’t see that coming?) Fantastic weekend of hoops viewing (guest analyst Coach D was a huge bonus on Friday), once I got over the debacle that was Cuse/Vermont...Gerry McNamara, your very clutch 4-18 performance makes you the Bama of the Week…Week…Week (Earls, Heath, you can vote for any Wake player you choose)...Kudos to Matt Essman’s Bucknell Bison, pulling an absolute stunner over Kansas (Bill Self will be getting some serious hate mail in the coming months)... Julius Hodge, I still hate you (and not just because you’re stealing my Social Security), but I must give you credit for carrying your team on 40-year-old legs to the Sweet 16... Texas Tech and Bobby Knight in the Sweet 16? Nothing surprises me anymore, though I think if anyone other then Ronald Ross attempts a 3-pointer for TX Tech father or son Knight punches them in the face in the huddle (Oh yeah, Bobby, classy move bashing Mike Davis after the W)... Special thanks to UW-Milw. for being the only prediction I can hang my hat on...Mike Gansey, you just outdueled Chris Paul. Not too shabby. I am suffering serious withdrawal already - need more hoops…

Ohio State Sophomore LeBron James dropped 56 yesterday against Georgia Tech Senior Chris Bosh, and the Cavs still managed to lose. James outscored his team 56-42. Not good at all.
**Cavs Update - Management canned Paul Silas today. They apparently noticed that Silas is a terrible coach. Took 'em long enough.

Wow, ‘tis the season for shitty sequels:
The Ring Two - Anyone that knows me knows I hated The Ring probably more than any other movie I’ve ever see…simply the dumbest movie ever…and now they are running the same crap back at us? Give me a fucking break.

XXX: State of the Union - So, Ice Cube is replacing Vin Diesel in this action flick. What, no Barbershop 3 to film? Wasn’t Cube at one time one of the top five scariest men in America?

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - Steaming pile of poop, though it is good to see William Shatner still getting work.

"Nick Lachey or Ashley Judd?"

Nick Lachey or Ashley Judd?...Nick Lachey or Ashley Judd?...A look behind the curtain of the thought process that has the Future Mrs. Simspon 12-4 after Day One, whereas yours truly went a pedestrian 9-7. Thank god UW-Milwaukee gave me something to hang my hat on. By the way, I think she chose Ashley Judd.

That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny...I forgot to give my Final Four picks yesterday - Okie St, Ga Tech, UNC, and Syracuse. I would hope if that did happen I could win some money.

You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you...No one can tell me they watched Adam Morrison last night and didn't immediately think Dirk Nowitzki.

I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal and no pickles. God help you if I find pickles...You know what, I don't want the lime in the coconut OR the lime in my Coke - I don't want the damn lime period.

Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom...I think CSI's next case should be examining the corpse of LSU.

I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!...You put me, Dennis, the Wheelhouse guys, and even Swint, on the floor at the same time and I guarantee we run a better offense than UCLA.

Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?...Whitney, let us know your alive.

Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime...Jerry, you excited for the Plaxico Era in NY?

Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that...How the hell is Robert Blake innocent?

Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?...Coming to work at 6:30am sucks donkey balls, but I must admit it was made much easier by my co-workers' blasting of Britney's Greatest Hits on the way in.

I want my two dollars!

Tourney Time in 19 hours, let's see if I can shed some light on these brackets, with a little help from old pals Lane Myer and Charles De Mar (Dennis, Whitney, Rob, Bueller, feel free to jump in):

Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky...To poor saps Alabama, Texas Tech, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Utah and Cincy, my choices to choke in Round 1.
Suicide is never the answer little trouper...To Roy Williams, who according to all media outlets is set to hang himself if his UNC squad has to match up against his former kids from Kansas in the Elite 8. Frankly, this might be the most overblown subplot short of the Illinois travel schedule (as mentioned by Jerry yesterday).
How are we going to get real drugs in this town? We can't even get cable!...To Salim Stoudamire and the rest of the Arizona Wildcats, trapped in Boise, ID with no weed to smoke, I presume. Or maybe Boise has lots of drugs for the Stoudamire kid. Who knows.
What's a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this?...To Duke's J.J. Redick. Shame on you J.J., back to the Joyce Kilmer and Robert Frost.
She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile...To Gonzaga's Ronny Turiaf, who I believe is French. Maybe he knows Tony Parker.
Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that...To three very underrated white guys you might not know about - Nevada's Nick Fazekas (overshadowed last year by Kirk Snyder), ODU's Alex Loughton (CAA Player of the Year), and Iowa's Adam Haluska (Iowa State transfer who has been huge since Pierre Pierce went Lawrence Phillips on his girlfriend).
Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn...To the Fightin' Illini's Dee Brown, who I have leading his team to the Final against...well, you'll just have to wait for Final 4 picks until tomorrow...

Gotta run, my little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave, my mom had to take him to the hospital, my grandma dropped acid this morning, she freaked out, hijacked a busload of penguins, so it's sort of a family crisis...bye...

Were Vince Neil and Axl Rose unavailable?

Stumbled upon the country music version of American Idol last night, something called Nashville Star, and believe it or not, Bret Michaels of Poison fame was one of the judges. Say what? Bret Michaels is to country music what I am to drinking in moderation.

Heard Joe Gibbs on Big 100.3 this morning, attempting to sign Murphy and Cash to cap-destroying 5 year deals. I would've at least thought he could step down the hall and see if Teapot Tim was available.

Thanks Britney, that should help...Pop superstar Britney Spears has offered some unusual advice to the beleaguered Michael Jackson – he should get drunk and fight someone in a bar. "He needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'"
By the way, I've been laughing for 5 straight minutes at the thought of MJ with a molestache.

Kudos to Chris Paul for punching Julius Hodge in the nuts. I have hated Hodge and his game since Jerry and I saw him at the MCI Center his senior year. Why do I hate him? I have absolutely no idea. It's kinda like Corey Simspon hating Dee Brown (no, not the Dream Job contestant, the Illinois kid) for no reason.

No truth to the rumor that Tom Brennan buys Ben and Jerry's for his whole team after every victory. It is true, however, that the Vermont Catamounts have some very stoned fans.

Dennis and I hope to contribute a few bracket tips later, so that means all you readers (Hi Jerry) check back closer to quitting time.

Let the Madness begin

So, when the Washington Huskies went bananas after seeing they were a #1 seed, did anyone else catch the crazy asian guy jumping around with the rest of the team? I can only assume he was a team manager, most likely the stats guy (WHAT - they're good at math), but he was the most out of place guy in the whole selection process (that is, if you don't count the now officially senile Dickie V). Please tell Digger Phelps we don't care if his highlighter matches his tie.

I've been staring at brackets for two days now, and I don't have a clue. Seriously. I've watched a ton of college hoops this year, and I haven't completed a bracket yet. All my entry fees are definitely going straight to the chick who makes the Diane Chambers-esque picks.

Speaking of hoops overload, my non-stop TV viewing this weekend forced the lady of the house to the bedroom TV, and she informed me the Lifetime Channel had a lot to offer. Sunday's lineup (I can't make these up, this channel writes it's own material):
Silencing Mary - Sabrina the Teenage Witch AND Parker Lewis Can't Lose were in this gem
Murder at 75 Birch - Melissa Gilbert is making a run at Meredith Baxter Birney
Fatal Reunion - Erika Eleniak (the voiceover: "Will she survive with her marriage and her life intact?")

Hey Tribe alums, William and Mary has a new President. And he looks like the love child of MeatLoaf and SuperChunk from Goonies.

Whitney might have faded away to MLC, and it could be a good thing, because the Washington Wizards are fading big time (yes, Wilbon, I know they swept the Lakers last night for the first time in franchise history). The Wiz, at 34-27, are just 3 games up on the highly coveted "8th and final playoff spot". Meanwhile, in the time it has taken for Lez Boulez to almost cost me a case of beer, Employee #8 has the Celtics 8-1 since his arrival. Boston has a serious chance of making the Eastern Conference Finals because of Walker. Wow.

Spring Training nugget for Mets fans out there: Manager Willie Randolph has a strict no facial hair policy in effect, with one major exception - trimmed mustaches. Apparently Randolph was moved to allow mustaches after receiving a powerful letter from one J.F. of Alexandria, VA.

Dennis, if all holds up, we will be placing a wager on Duke/Cuse.

Greatest Day Ever?

Before we get to that day, please remember to vote early and often for the Gheorghe awards, or whatever the hell we're calling them...
6 days from now, March 17, 2005, looks like it's in the running for GDE (Greatest Day Ever). Obviously, it's March 17, so we've got the all-out wastedness of St. Patty's Day to set the tone. It also happens to be the first day of the NCAA Tourney, so that's drinking and gambling, check. To top it off, all of these roided up MLB donkeys are being called before Congress to talk about ass injections with Jose Canseco...can we get a camera in those proceedings? All I know is that I feel a really bad cold coming on, and it should hit me in, oh, about 6 days.

Culinary note: I've been at work for about 2 hours, and I've already downed a sleeve of Trefoils.

I stole this quote from SG's page, but in case you haven't seen it, it gave me a good chuckle. I don't hate Jalen Rose as much as I did 12 years ago...
"He probably was a little tired from All-Star weekend. While he was running up and down the court throwing it off the backboard, I was laying on the beach drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella. So I probably gave myself an unfair advantage on that one."
-- Jalen Rose explaining why he outplayed Vince Carter two days after the All-Star Game

Donald Trump, Super Guy...Donald Trump is negotiating to buy the Miss America pageant now that he's crushed the venerable beauty contest with his rival Miss USA spectacle. Trump has steered the ratings of Miss USA up to 16 million viewers, while Miss America has shrunk to 9.8 million. None of the networks has made a deal to televise Miss America next fall, and there is speculation the pageant will end up as a reality show on cable. But not if Trump buys it. Unburdened by any feminist folderol, he'll eliminate the talent portion and focus solely on contestants' looks. "Nobody wants to see some girl tap-dance or play the violin," said one insider. "Trump will increase the height of their heels and decrease the size of their swimsuits."

The Gheorghe Awards

To: Fans of Gheorghe: The Blog, Friends of the Gheorghe community, and Folks Who Aspire To Dig On Gheorghe (FWATDOG)

From: GTB

It's time for what we expect will be an annual tradition, the Gheorghe Awards. This batch of prestigious honors and notorious dishonors, known by many as simply The Gheorghies, is based on who most or least reflected the values of the namesake of this site.

Who's a Gheorghe?
Who's an anti-Gheorghe?
Who displayed the true tenets of Gheorgheness over the last year?
Who displayed behaviors Gheorghe would mightily swat away like a Matt Geiger lay-up attempt?
In short, who deserves a Gheorghie?

Nominations are being accepted in the Comments field and e-mails. There will be awards for persons both in the public eye and in the GTB blogosphere. The categories aren't mapped out yet, and the criteria won't be rigid -- to take it too seriously would go against our mission statement. So please, if you will, take a moment and come up with some examples of substantial Gheorghitude -- or lack thereof -- worth recognizing. Thanks.

My fighting is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle!

Makin' movies, makin' songs and fightin' 'round the world...Hollywood superstar Russell Crowe was stunned to discover he was a kidnap target for Muslim terrorist group Al-qaeda. The Federal Bureau Of Investigation warned Crowe and a number of other big screen stars prior to the 2001 Academy Awards that Osama Bin Laden wanted to kidnap them - nine months before Bin Laden spearheaded the September 11 attacks on New York and Washington DC.

Down with the zebras.

There is too much anger - comedy will bring balance. This has been on the web for a while, but it makes Dennis laugh very hard. Anyone see a resemblance to . . .

http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.swf

Is it because she has a lazy eye?

Or maybe because she chose Pacey over Dawson?...Hollywood couple Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have split, 14 months after announcing their engagement. No details of the split have been announced, but publicists for the actress insist the couple will remain the best of friends. A spokeswoman for Holmes tells America's Us Weekly magazine, "They want to stay friends and will continue that part of their relationship." The couple have been together since 2001. They were engaged in December 2003.

And here I thought nobody even read the crappy Post sports section...Little Danny Snyder has apparently yanked a block of season tickets that went to Washington Post management and employees. The Skins claim too many of the tickets were ending up in the hands of scalpers. This article seems to indicate otherwise. Looks like Sally Jenkins has Danny's undies in a bunch.

Pete, take the betting slips out of your ears...Angels minor league outfielder Rich Giannotti, signed last June out of the University of Miami, spotted Pete Rose in an airport and decided to try to talk to him about switch-hitting. "He jumped up out of his seat and started demonstrating his swing and talking hitting," Giannotti said. "He was incredible. Forty minutes later, I almost missed my flight. The funniest thing is that he thought my name was 'Giamatti' and kept telling me what a great guy Bart was and that he bears no grudges against him."

That's Hot..."SATURDAY Night Live" insiders are still snarking about Paris Hilton's recent hosting gig. "Paris was one of the most self-absorbed hosts ever," a show source tattles to TV Guide. "She was an energy vacuum on stage, and her performance was minimally acceptable." Some cast members were so bewildered by her extreme narcissism, the source says, they created a betting pool to see if anyone could get Hilton to ask them a friendly personal question. No one managed to collect. But Hilton insists she got along great with the cast: "Everyone was like, 'Wow, you could be on the show every week. You're so chill.'"

Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong

West Virginia, mountain momma...
ALDERSON, W.Va. (AP) - Wasting no time, Martha Stewart left prison in the middle of the night Friday and quickly set her sights on rebuilding her homemaking empire after serving a five-month sentence for lying about a stock sale.
Stewart was allowed to leave prison at 12:30 a.m Friday in a two-vehicle motorcade and headed to a nearby airport where she was to board a private jet for a flight to New York. She will spend the next five months on home confinement at her 153-acre estate in Katonah, N.Y.

* Worst segue ever...This is not usually the location for any substantive discourse, just nonsense, but if you do pop over here Jerry (or anyway with an opinion on this) can I get some sort of discussion/explanation of this whole "buying the NHL" thing? I mean, isn't that the MLS they're talking about? Why would any of the power teams in big cities (Rangers, Bruins, Flyers) have any desire to do this? And is E.J. Hradek frozen caveman NHL reporter or what?

* Where's the enthusiasm people...Championship Week starts tomorrow. Get fired up. I know I am. It's gonna be Super, Scintillating, AND Sensational.

* Paging Senores Padilla y Travieso...Did anyone see Marcus Camby's line from last night? It was pretty damn impressive - 17 points, 22 boards, 7 assists, 7 blocks. Marcus hasn't played this well since since the good old days when John Chaney publicly threatened to kill his coach. Don't look now, but Denver is 12-4 under George Karl, and the Nugs are now tied for the 8th spot in the West.

* Please tell me this was a school for the blind...A Braxton County (WV) middle school teacher is in police custody after allegedly confessing to sexual misconduct with five of her students. Look at her picture.

Reason #3,769 why Vegas is the Greatest Place on Earth

Parents who have children in one elementary school may be surprised to find out what the Mayor of Las Vegas said to the group of kids. To some, it sounded like he endorsed drinking alcohol.
Mayor Oscar Goodman has never made it a secret that he loves drinking gin. Bombay Sapphire even hired Goodman as their pitchman. But the outspoken mayor shocked a roomful of adults when he shared his love of gin with children.
After reading to the class, one student asked Mayor Goodman if he could take one thing with him on a deserted island, what would it be. The Mayor replied that it would be a bottle of gin. And when a student later asked Mayor Goodman what one of his hobbies was, the Mayor said "drinking."

*If Mike and Mike aren't lying, Golic ran the same time in the 40 at his combine as Maurice Clarett. And Golic weighed 275. Maurice, I'd like fries with that.

*The current residents of the MCI Center are in some trouble, especially the Georgetown Hoyas. Georgetown better win two games in the Big East Tourney or they are NIT-bound. Even Chip's boy Jeff Green can't save them. Now, on to those Wiz. Good to see Larry Hughes back last night, and very good to see a Wiz victory, because they were falling apart. And after 50 games of openly mocking Whitney for betting against the Wiz, I was beginning to get worried.

*Excuse me, but isn't the newest Washington Redskin, Casey Rabach, the cook from Under Siege? That guy kicked major ass. And he had to defeat a surely coked up Gary Busey to do it.

*The Atlanta Hawks lost their 21st straight road game last night. I haven't seen that sort of road futility since Alex Joyner took to the streets of Williamsburg in 1997. (Yes, hi, waiter, I have a reservation, Joke, Party of 3. Thanks.)

*Is it OK to end a cover letter for a job at the NRA with this sentence: "I'll be honest with you, I love his work, I do, I'm a Charlton Heston fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he screams SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!"

I'd like to first thank the Academy

My boy Napoleon Dynamite, even though overlooked at this year's Oscars, maintains his status as a pioneer in the realm of biological advancement.

"It's a Liger. It's like my favorite animal on the planet."

We all laughed (well, some of us laughed). But then . . .

http://www.nydailynews.com/02-17-2005/news/wn_report/story/281784p-241445c.html

That kid is back on the escalator again

You want insane ramblings, I've got a few before I blow my brains out at my desk:
*The dog is back at work again. Not in my office luckily, but around, and I just want to pooch punt it off the roof.
*What are the odds Jason Klotz and Brad Buckman spend their free time hunting for the Continuum Transfunctioner?
*Wow, Drew Lavender is one very short basketball player. Speaking of the height disadvantaged, Gary Coleman was apparently at Day 1 of the Michael Jackson trial. One word, WHY?
*Sorry to see the Sports Grinder go out of business. He should've linked to Gheorghe.